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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 23, 2013 at 11:32am

Frank, thank yo for your warm words of understanding and for continuing to share your own heart and sorrow.

I have one reply to “maybe one day I will smile again” etc.

As you know: I dont want to smile again! not without my Barry!!! another day in “what the heck am I doing?”
thank you Frank. v

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 23, 2013 at 11:28am

Marsha, I hope you feel all better soon!

I know how it feels to feel awful and it sure helps when people show some tender care. Also, try some herb tea for relaxing and hydration. OJ too.
Blessings and healing hugs, V

Comment by Frank Andrews on September 23, 2013 at 8:50am

Vee,

 Your description of being angry, sad, secluded, forgetful, etc. is everything that I also feel at one time or another and I'm sure that we all have the same feelings. Mine is especially guilt over the way she was medically treated and things not done and unsaid words.

 You are right in that we lived and loved as though there would ALWAYS be a tomorrow and facing the problems of everyday life kept us from ever imagining being without our spouse. Even in the last week as she gave up on fighting to live, I could never be angry with her as none of what happened to her was her fault and she was in so much pain. One of her good and religious friends said that she had become "soul weary". The endless tears we all shed now is a tribute to the love we shared and every minute of our lives together (good and bad) was well worth it and a blessing to have. 

  I can hope that someday you will smile again with children, grandchildren, or maybe even grandchildren sitting on your lap.  We all think of our mortality now and it should help us to lead a better and more caring life. As individuals, we all wonder just how long we will go through this almost unbearable journey in life after such a loss. Maybe some who have gotten better can return to post some encouragement to those of us who see not much of a future ahead.

  Depression is the cause of our not caring about the house, yard, shopping, even just cooking meals, and so on. I know I am depressed and who among us is not at one time or another. We just have to take it day by day and hope for the best to happen.

  I also think and am concerned about the many friends on the forum who have helped so much here and about the ones who have left and how they are doing. All I can do is wish everyone  some days of peace and without pain.  Hugs.

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 22, 2013 at 8:18pm

Frank,

It is still really recent since your darling passed on. I hate it too! I am angry, sad, secluded, forgetful, disinterested, anxious, depressed, hopeless, NUMB, selfish, guilty feeling, empty, PO’d even at my B.

I hurt reading your post. It freaking sucks! You talked about the past, etc. I am morbid now about past and passing time. After we lose a lovedone, we become so cynical and confused, as to as if were worth the tears we feel now? Do you think it’s worth it anyone here?

I admit even as a christian, I know that even with faith, I am still in a lot of grief. And we all manifest it differently. And no matter where we believe and hope our faith will lead us to, we still have to walk through this now. I am so cynical and feel like “what was the point of Barry n me?” Suppose I were to think logical: we all know we are all going to die, yet we live and love as if it will last forever. We dont seem to appreciate our lovedones FULLY or as purely until they are forever gone from our physical world. So! we love eachother as hard as we can for the short breif moment we have on this eart. IT’s so dam short!

Frank, Im sad too. I worry about you now and hope and pray that you find some peace if even for one day. I also resent that we “Might one day feel healed” that ticks me off! that I can even imagine ever smiling again. I miss someone desperately. He was my rock!! I am so freaking spacey and uncaring in doing anything in my house, yard, shopping, making dinner. etc. 

Frank, may the love you two shall share always comfort you and hold you. Sad.

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 22, 2013 at 12:33am

Marsha, tomorrow will be a littlle better...you can come here anytime and bawl your eyes out. And also let it all out. I had a bad last few days but mine was due to my health and a an apex of pain. I miss my beloved who would take care of me when I was in a pain flare...now when I go to the pharmacy on my own, etc I fele the void even more.

DID YOU get the groceries back? I am very absent minded myself. And stress can do this, and loss brings sooooooo much stress. I learned in psychology that the loss of a spouse/loved one is the top number one stressor in a life. So please, try to find a way to still commemorate the special dates and the times you had. I wish you a better day tomorrow. Treat yourself to a cup of tea, or an ice cream or even a new blouse...I know it sounds silly! but my Bee used to take my shopping and I went on my own tonight and went into the same dressing room when Id go with him and then model the new clothes---its’ awful! BUt for me, going to the same places helps sometimes. too....xoxo blessings, take care Marsah

Comment by Marsha H on September 21, 2013 at 7:53pm

Sorry everyone, but having a pity party all of my own.  I swear that I have the devil on horseback riding on my rear end.

Today my girlfriend and I took the dogs for a walk and it was a beautiful Fall day and it's the first time I've been out for a walk in days and did fairly well so thought I was on the mend.  THEN ...

Stopped off at our local grocery store and after getting 2 bags of groceries put them down to get Lotto tickets and came home with only one bag!  Where or where have my brain cells gone????

I also had taken 2 VHS's in to have put on disc (one of Ernie's 50th b/d party on board a yacht) and also our 25th Wedding Anniversary where we said our vows over again.  Today I thought I should play them and when I put the disc in the first one was of his 50th b/d where he's talking a lot, BUT NO SOUND!!!!  I couldn't believe it!!!!!  I know there was sound on the VHS and I just sat there and bawled my head off.  The Silver Anniversary was cut short and I couldn't hear him because of the music.  To top things off that friend of ours who introduced us is coming over to visit me tomorrow and he gave me his new cell phone # and it's not the right one!!!!  It's as if nothing is going right for me and even my girlfriend can't believe the rotten luck I'm having.  Why?

Sorry to be so down, but just plain soul weary and nothing seems to be working out.

Thanks for listening.

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 21, 2013 at 6:54pm

Dear Barbara ....  I can't believe how much we are alike.  I have also been called a strong person and I was divorced before meeting my beloved Ernie (no children with either marriage) and I can't believe anyone would think that divorce is the same as losing a beloved spouse!  Losing Ernie has knocked me to my knees as well and I don't feel all that strong or self confident any longer.  I am starting to realize in this second year of grief that we were meant to find our beloved spouses (soul mates if you would like to call it) and that they gave us so many good memories and so much wisdom) and now realize it's time to 'pay it forward' to bundle up all the love they have given us, their encouragement when we were low, love and affection and give it to others in need.  I believe everyone we meet leaves 'imprints' on our life either bad where we learn from it or good where we learn much. 

Oh, I miss Ernie with every breath I take and sometimes have my melt-downs, but they do get further apart as time goes on.  Grief is now under the heading of 'Post Traumatic Stress' and many doctors realize this. 

Comment by Marsha H on September 21, 2013 at 4:23pm

CAROL ....  Please check out your emails as I have important information to give to you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 21, 2013 at 4:23pm

Dear Wilela ...  I just wanted to answer your question about whether your dear one was in pain by grimacing.  Scientifically when the person is going through the process of dying it is a fact that they have pain medication so no, your spouse was not experiencing pain whether leaving his body or not.  My Ernie passed from painful pancreatic cancer, but he was heavily drugged and the only sign he had was facial expressions of agitation NOT PAIN (which is part of the process of dying) and his breathing becoming shallow.

You can prove to yourself (would have to be done by someone who knows what they are doing) seeing your aura.  The aura is light around your body and everyone has a different aura and everything living has an aura.  Example:  soldiers would complain after they had a leg amputated that they felt some pain or an itch.  When put under a certain light with a black background one can see the aura of the full leg!  This is true as I've seen my own aura.  If you like I can email you some links on this.

From Near Death Experiences such as what you described in your post it is not painful to leave the body, but painful TO BE SENT BACK INTO THE BODY.  When a person's aura leaves the body it is because the physical body has no energy and this is when people experience looking down on their body and describe what is going on.  Doctors and scientists are studying Near Death Experiences and taking them very seriously.  They are studying the human aura to be able to tell where a patient has a physical illness. 

When a person has a NDE they feel free of pain, etc., and if it is not their time to pass away and they come back into their body this is when they feel the pain of whatever they are going through at the time such as healing from painful surgery, etc.

Grimacing of the face of your loved one is also part of the dying process.  Muscles will twitch and become slack because of the lack of oxygen so please Wilela don't think your dear spouse was having pain.  Dying for the patient is said to be more peaceful and accepting, but the loved ones left behind experience the facial expressions, moaning, etc., and are fearful their loved one is suffering terrible pain, when in fact, this is not the case.

Hospitals especially in ICU, etc., are studying death and taking notes so this is not a fairy tale of 'what we would like to dream up to comfort ourselves over our spouse dying.'  I have studied auras for 30 years and also have accumulated information on the process of dying.  Each individual has a different experience.

If you are interested Wilela I will be happy to email you the links, but will not do so without your permission.

I know when you understand the dying process you can put your fears to rest regarding your dear husband. 

I pray for you and keep you in  my thoughts always.  I wanted to answer your post today because I know it's important to you and I know how you feel.

Love & Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on September 21, 2013 at 2:18pm

Hi my dear extended family ...  Carol thank you for posting about why I haven't been on Legacy.  My brain is foggy from sleeping so much with this flu bug.  It's a sneaky thing and I'm feeling weak, but managing to eat a little.  Thanks my friends for thinking of me.  I'm having a rough time with this flu bug (going around everywhere) and I haven't had a cold or flu in years.  Being thin doesn't help and I've been very tired and sleeping a lot and of course depressed. I managed to put on 4 lbs not long ago and I bet that's disappeared now.  I had a full weekend coming up that I've been looking forward to and one of those days was seeing Ernie's and my friend who introduced us.  He understands and is going to come for a short visit on Sunday. 

As you know being ill and alone is frightening and our health care system isn't the best if one needs immediate care.  When my Ernie was here I felt safe and secure and now I feel old, neglected and forgotten.   

I have become disillusioned that many of my friends that I tended to throughout the years when they were ill by preparing meals for them, running to the pharmacy, etc., are not here for me.  I sure could use even a bowl of soup, but nope, have to stagger around trying to get some nourishment.  It's very disappointing to realize one has put themselves out for their friends only to end up struggling on your own.  I have one close girlfriend, but she has not thought to bring me anything although she makes herself available if I need to get to a clinic.  I often wonder why I am even here and feel so abandoned and lonely.  Don't mind my rattling as being ill doesn't make a person look at life in the same way.

I appreciate your care and concern and of course I think of all of you and hope you are all making steps forward. 

I have no idea how long this flu bug will last or If it comes back. I tried to get out and around yesterday and felt terrible and had to come home so I'm laying like a skinny beached whale on the sofa with my little dog Booker curled up (call him my male nurse.)

Loads of love

Marsha   

 

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