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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on September 26, 2013 at 3:44am

Vee ...  I am so sorry you are feeling down and out and I'd hug you personally if I could.  You are always encouraging and upbeat for us so now it's your turn to lean on us!!

It is normal that we get angry, cry, frustrated, not enjoy life as we knew it when our spouses were here, can't concentrate and can't eat correctly and that's OK because it will all level out so we can reinvent ourselves and have some peace and joy in our lives.

I also have felt jaded off and on regarding life.  It comes and it goes.  I will even admit that hearing some of friends who still have their spouse talk about holidays or a nice evening out with friends makes me envy them and somewhat angry that through no fault of his own my sweetheart had to die.  My question of course is 'why' but I'm a realist and know there will never be an answer to that question.

On the brighter side of things if you and others can hold on a little more miracles do happen, life does open up for us, new friends emerge, old friends from the past you may have not heard of for some time come into your life again.  Time of course is the factor and we each march to a different drummer.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 26, 2013 at 3:34am

Dear Carol ...  As always your post is profound and a good way of looking at things.  It's OK if some of us can't come on the forum all the time because life is constantly spinning around us coupled with our grief.  You bet your booty we are all members of society no matter what age and at 71 I remind people often of that!  I can still run circles around some of the 40 year olds.  LOL  Sometimes for some people 'the mouth runneth over' and I always say without hesitation ' .... and you eat with that mouth?' I put these people behind me and give them no excuse for their ignorance because wise people stop and think before they speak.  Who needs their negativity as if we should have to apologize for our grieving.  I believe in being the teacher to the ignorant.  LOL

I grieve as I wish and I hope all of you stand your ground and do so.  If your family or friends don't understand then this forum is wonderful and the members do understand.  If you are lucky enough to have one or two friends that can understand as best they can then lean on them because you can always pay them back for their understanding, kindness and loyalty at a later date.  I refuse to play games when it comes to my grief.

I too wish for peaceful moments and lots of love to everyone on here as we all deserve and let me remind you again ... we are warriors surviving a battle of grief that I know we have the strength to get through. 

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Carol Kayser on September 26, 2013 at 12:44am

Diane C. and Frank - you are in my thoughts too:)  keep well.

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on September 26, 2013 at 12:42am

Hi everyone, forgive me, it is late and so while I have read all the posts cannot reply individually but thinking of each of you with your struggles, as with mine.  We are all valued members of society no matter what people may say to us and think it is fine to do so....and we just have to say "really"? that's what you just said or did or said in your head for that matter!  I am really  starting to think "do I need that in my life" as I would rather be alone with myself, if it came to that!

Today a counsellor said to me "you aren't being allowed to just grieve the way you want to" Amen...all we are really seeking is understanding and compassion and love and some patience.

I hope for some peaceful moments for everyone, Helen, Vee, Barbara. Jane and Marsha...we deserve that:)

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 25, 2013 at 2:35pm

Vee    Thanks for the kind words.   I phoned my husbands cousin tonight.   They were more like brother and sister and I loved her also as she was always so kind to me.   She had got on very well with my niece when she came down to help me transport Morley's body home and I suddenly found myself sobbing (again) and pleading with her not to blame me for the rift with my family but because of it she was the only family I now have.   She of course pacified me and said that however well she had got on with my niece for three day|I was her family and she would never blame me for anything as she knew how happy I had made her cousin and how grateful she was I took such good care of him and that set me off again.   Today has just been the pits and the slightest thing is setting me off on these really hard crying jags that continue after the phone call.   Thanks for reassuring me it is my broken heart that is really calling out and won't mend without my Morley.

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 25, 2013 at 12:43pm

dearest beloved Helen. Your tears are a faucett connected to your heart. Even when some of us dont cry wet tears, our heart still is broken and damp, weighe down and is manifested ---all of us--differently, as unique as our lovedone and our love we shared.

I hope you find some sunny patches to warm your face

v

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 25, 2013 at 12:05pm

Hi All   Today has been a day of many tears.   Why more today than yesterday - don't know.   Maybe the session with the students upset me more that I had realised.   Think I might try a different tack next week as someone suggested and ask them what they feel about grief and how long it should last (forever in my case it seems as I am no better now than I was at the beginning).    The tears just come unbidden with no particular trigger and I suddenly find myself sobbing my heart out and begging Morley to come for me that I cannot stand this life without him any longer.   Of course that does not happen and I have to face yet another day of loneliness and unhappiness.   Yet there are some widows I have befriended (some widowed longer than me and some shorter) who seem to have been able to cope with the extremes of grief so much better than me.   I wish I knew their secret.    I am going out tomorrow night and Friday night both to things that will bore me rigid but somehow I feel I ought to be doing to try and catch up with the more "successful" widows.   I personally believe I will always grieve Morley just as I do now and it will never get any better until I do get to him and I can only hope that is sooner rather than later (my dread is another 15 years or so of feeling this unhappy and dreading every morning).

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 25, 2013 at 6:43am

Barbara-im pleased to hear you find some sense of comfort here. I do too. Regarding your sweetie and “The Voice” : )
Bee n i watched “American Idol” and last season I kept rooting for the singer I knew he’d love. I love to do things we did together, even if its harder on some days, its a sense of “old familiar places”. A little golden stream of hope..and peace. 
Hugs and blessings, Vee

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 25, 2013 at 6:40am

Grief is one of the top stressors, on the  psychology list. I forget everything! I always keep post it notes on my kitchen counter and send myself text messages as soon as I remember to do something. 

I find that missin my Bee has caused me to feel numb, disinterested in life and not eating as well as I should. I do try to force myself to reach out to others as my pain counselor ask us to do. It does help.

Grief has left me jaded about life. Negative. I know my faith is in there somewhere, but is competing with a world of loss. Not just my own acute loss.pain, but knowing what so so so many are hurting. I dont resent those who are doing well, it just makes me feel left ouf of life ’s stream of sunny days..

sorry I am not very good at this post. I just cannot keep up with e mail and other stuff due to chronic pain.

I apprec every single of ONE OF YOU here at this station of lost hearts...

Comment by Marsha H on September 25, 2013 at 5:52am

Barbara ...  sorry, but you made me giggle about losing things or forgetting because I have done the same thing.  I have taken off the wrapping off wieners and put them in the boiling water and put the wieners in the garbage!  So far I have lost my cell booster,  I go into a room knowing full well what I need and find when I get there I forget what it was.  Don't worry, it's normal and won't last forever.  Sometimes I have a laugh at myself and sometimes I just get frustrated and start to wonder if I'm losing it.  It's part of grief.

Hugs

Marsha

 

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