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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Thomas L. Trolia yesterday. 8 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mac on September 28, 2013 at 10:22am

Barbara I am so sorry to read about your sister and so soon after you lost your beloved, its a blessing that she will have you to care for her and her son.

There are so many I would like to comment on but just not up to it today my husbands birthday was yesterday and I did not get one call from my girls can't tell which is worse not having family at all or having family that is just to busy to really care . Everyone take care and hope this will be a better day for all.

Hugs

Mac

Comment by Carol Kayser on September 28, 2013 at 10:10am
Dear Barbara. I am sending prayers to you and your sister and family after reading this. While you may think you are weak I think God knows you are strong and this is your purpose at this time, to love and cherish your sister as much as you can and to take care of her and her son. You are and will be a blessing to her.
Again, so very sorry Barbara.
Hugs and prayers,
Carol
Comment by Barbara Sullivan on September 28, 2013 at 9:16am

Dear Friends -- Losing Chris, five months ago to cancer was the worst thing ever -- now, I just learned yesterday that my younger sister has inoperable, incurable cancer.  She is a single mom with a teenage boy still at home, a married daughter, and a brand-new baby grandson.   She had surgery and chemo a year ago for lung cancer and now its back, stage 3, in the lining of her lungs.  

Oh, God!  Are you not finished with this family, yet?   

I am her chief support -- I just don't know if I can go through this, again -- but, of course, I will.  I just don't know where I will find the strength.

The doctors say chemo will give her more time.  I think of Chris and how we prayed for more time together -- how he decided to fight for more time -- and, how, in the end he had to give up his fight.  The heartbreak of knowing there was nothing else to be done.  

Oh, Lord, give me strength to help my sister and her family go through this.  

She will probably need to come and live with me -- she is alone with no one to care for her, except her teen-age son, who is absolutely devastated with this news -- he thought his Mom was getting well.  

She called me, sobbing and crying, from the doctor's office.  I had offered to go with her but she (and I) thought she just had an infection.  We thought the PET test was just a precaution on the part of the doctor, because she was having upper respiratory problems.  We believed her prior surgery and chemo had "got it all".  

Though I am trying to think, not about myself, but about my sister -- a little voice in the back of my mind keeps saying, "Why couldn't it be me, Lord -- I am ready to go -- missing and wanting to be with Chris -- why not me?  Are You so determined to leave me here alone, without any of those I love?"

Comment by Marsha H on September 27, 2013 at 4:09pm

Oh Barbara ...  I certainly can relate to you.  My husband and I were well liked in the community (small town) and so many people knew us.  I dealt with the Credit Union here and they all liked us and after he passed away I can to go in to get some accounts changed (another difficult thing to do taking my sweetie's name off things) and as I walked in about 8 people came up to me surrounding me and asking how I was doing.  I looked terrible, lost a lot a weight and felt terrible.  Like you, I tried to cover it up, but of course tears rolled down my face.  They all surrounded me trying to console me.  Believe it or not there are kind people out there that can relate somewhat to our grief and pain.  Some still come over when I go there and I often wish they'd just treat me on a normal basis, but I think they are worried about me.  I just let the tears fall.  When grocery shopping (my husband had Celiac Disease .wheat-gluten disorder) and I'd spot foods I would normally buy him and I'd start to cry. He always put the gas in the car and now I was doing it and I'd get frustrated and break-down crying.  I take the dogs for a walk on the same paths my husband and I took and tears can come and go.  I miss holding his hand and just talking.  It's normal Barbara and it doesn't last forever.  Eventually you will be able to control it.  I often wear my sunglasses weather permitting and that helps hide the tears.

Most of us on here felt so confident when we had our spouses and now that they have passed away we miss them, feel vulnerable, lonely and deserted.  It's called dignity and pride Barbara that we had so it's difficult to let ourselves go and just cry and it took me about 9 months to realize I had a right to show my emotions and to heck with what other people thought.  It is NOT self pity at all, but missing the love of our lives.  Now I'm more stern if someone should react to my grief or if they should say, 'I would think you should be over it.'  I bite!  LOL  I don't let them get away with it.  They don't walk in our shoes.  So my dear friend cry when you want to and don't think this makes you weak because it's grief and the crying helps to take the stress away and cope with grief.

Barbara, GO OUT anytime!  Don't stop!  I look at family, friends and even strangers as adults and death is part of the cycle of life and to bad if it may make them uncomfortable.  I found many people were kind about it.  Just let go when you have to.  If you at someone's house or in a mixed group excuse yourself by saying you need to go out for fresh air or to the washroom and have your cry there.  My suppressing grief it will just last longer.

You are still very strong and intelligent as well to know it's important we need to embrace the pain of grief in order to get over the worst of it and then start to live in the future. There is a future for us if we work through the grief and reach out for it.  Take comfort in knowing that you will see your Chris again. He is in a peaceful place without pain and you are left behind for just a little while to carry on in his memory.  You are stronger than you think and remember, we are all going through what you are.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 27, 2013 at 3:55pm

Cheryl ... My heart goes out to you as many of us have all been where you are.  In ways in our fog-like minds we were in a twilight zone, but it's the brains way of coping with horrific stress.

I found myself just existing the first year and in shock.  It was like watching a movie or having a nightmare one couldn't wake up from.  No one can describe the heart-wrenching feeling when we lose our spouse and I still feel when my husband passed away he took part of my spirit with him. The second year for me was enlightenment and facing reality and I won't lie, it's not easy to realize your spouse is not coming back, your family goes on with their own lives and some friends simply disappear while others remain, but it also means we make new friends.  Reinventing ones life being alone is not an easy task and difficult to know where we now fit into society.

I am so sorry you lost your job, but from many years of life there is always a good reason and I think you lost this job (through no fault of your own) because there is a better job out there for you.

We will never forget our spouses for as long as we live, but the pain doesn't seem so intense for most of us as time goes on.  The first year of course is always the hardest, but we're here for you hon and you are not alone in this.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on September 27, 2013 at 3:46pm

Chicago Beard ... I do know how you feel and if I am lucky enough to have a companion I know I'll feel the same as you.  It seems so unfair that we have had to lose our spouses, but, please, enjoy what you have because you are at least not alone like many on the forum.  One day you will meet your Rose again!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on September 26, 2013 at 11:25pm

Cherly, dear. I am so so sorry wow! ONLY 6 months, that is a fresh wound, a very fresh wond of the heart. I lost my swetie, last April 16, 2012 N mine is still fresh too (to me anway)
I just started walking daily to help me cleanse some of the pain from my broken oozing heart. 

Im learning that we all grieve differenlty as our love and person was unique. Take your time. Breathe in the pain because to me, the pain weighs the same as the love...

Im sorry : ( its so horrendous of a pain. Mixed with some cold hard denial and cold hard lonilness and longing for that one beautiful soul. 


It’s all we can do is grieve: WALK through the fire.

God bles you, Vee 

Comment by cheryl holbrook on September 26, 2013 at 7:05pm

Hello all, I know I have not been on for some time but I like others do catch some posts here and there. 

Its 6 months to the day that I lost my Mike and my heart still is broken beyond repair and my mind still is in dis-belief, yet somehow life goes on.

I feel so sad for ones that have still been grieving like it was yesterday, and its been over the year, 2 year, 3 year or more mark. I cannot even imagine, and its still so fresh for me.

I did get a job, and worked for 5 weeks and then on top of everything else, last Saturday I was called in the office and told I was not added to the schedule, and I was let go because as they said to me " Im not ready for this job". I have been just tore up since it was looking like I was going to be able to at least function and pay my bills all at the same time. Seems like one step forward 2 back. i miss my darling so much. I feel like Im just existing now and living in the twillight zone (where no man has gone before).

To all who have had anniversary,birthday or any other memorable dates, I pray that you find some type of peace through the grieving.

One day at a time .. hugs .. Cheryl

 

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 26, 2013 at 9:29am

Chicago Bears   It is over three years since I lost Morley (my husband) and the pain is no less than at the beginning (I had no family perhaps you have and that helps) and the crying never stops either.   I cry a lot in the car as no one notices or hears but sometimes I have to pull in because I am crying so hard I cannot see the road.   Don'e be ashamed of the tears even after three years.   It just means you loved her very much.   I've said it before but I am going to say it again to you.    I honestly thinks that only those of us who were sole mates with our loved ones find legacy and thank God for it

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 26, 2013 at 9:25am

Barbara   I am still crying for my husband every day of my life and it is over 3 years.   Some people can control it better than others.   I cannot.    When I am in public now I can control it most of the time but it just needs one trigger and the tears are flowing and when I get home - well just lets say I have found as place in my house where none of my neighbours can hear me and most nights you will find me there bawling my eyes out.   I have no family which doesn't help as I feel so very alone now.   I actually don't think I will ever stop crying for Morley (my husband) and actually why should we if it helps and crying is cathartic, it releases tension.   If others cannot cope then I am sorry but after 3 years I now have the opinion that it is their problem not ours.   I am so sorry for your loss.

 

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