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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018. 5 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on October 2, 2013 at 12:13am

Vee ...  I wish I was there to give you a big bear hug, sit, talk and lean on each other.  The grieving of a spouse is so difficult for all of us and although I do not like the term 'time heals all' it is the truth.  I am almost into my 3rd year of grief and the first year was fog-like, crying all the time, terrified without my dear-heart being here with me, missing his hugs, kisses and talks we would have as well as joking around.  My second year was a reality check and things began to appear mixed in emotion; sometimes crying, sometimes I felt I was actually making head-way and I was to a degree and now it seems I go on a good roll and then 30 steps back, but something within us or, as I believe our loved one is looking out for us keeps us stronger and eventually we'll find some sort of peace in our lives and find out where we fit into life so please, hang on hon and don't give up!

Big bear hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 2, 2013 at 12:09am

Stacey ... I am so sorry to hear of the unsettling news regarding the breast biopsy your mom is having.  Often the cysts are just that and I will pray that is true.  I know that until you get the results all of you will worry and it's only natural.  Please keep us informed.

I can relate to you not looking forward to the first year anniversary of your husband's passing.  Our wedding anniversary was August 12th and his birthday August 30th and I got a huge helium balloon and wrote a message on it and took it to his favorite place near the river and let it sail into the skies and watch it disappear as if he was there waiting to catch it.  I hope you will consider doing this Stacey.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 2, 2013 at 12:04am

Dearest Barbara ... I am so very sorry to hear of your beloved sister and yes, it does seem so cruel that God seems to be taking those you love so close together.  It's a mystery and many of us have gone through losing yet another loved one so soon after our husbands have passed away.  I also feel at times I would give up my life for another I loved,  I had two friends pass away shortly after my husband passed and now my brother is having medical issues and we are waiting for the results as to whether it's cancer and if so will he survive.  On and on it seems to go and I too wonder if I'll have the strength to help where I can.  I know now that from somewhere deep within ourselves that strength is there and you will get through helping your sister.  It's the ultimate gift of life we can give our loved ones ... to be there.  I will pray for you, your sister and her son to get you through these rough times and please, keep coming back to the forum and lean on us.

Hugs & Prayers

Marsha

Comment by Vee Herrera Michrina on October 1, 2013 at 5:43pm

Barbara- I ask for God to please give you n your sister strength and peace during this special and most difficult time. I say special because this is LOVE!!! I wish I had a sister like you! when I was ill my own sister wanted nothing to do with me or my condition...so you are so strong and yes, your nursing your own hubby has given you special insight and caring that you wouldnt have if not had been there with him. He,Im sure would want you to use this experience. You also have a special empathy n compassion for the ill. I have a family member now fighting multi myloma and it’s not easy for anyone--especially the one who is ill. BUT I SAY: LOVE LOVE LOVE and a caring ear is the most needed. I ask the Lord to please be with you all. V

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on September 30, 2013 at 6:21am

Dear Helen, Frank and Jane -- Thank you for your prayers for my sister.  I spent the day with her yesterday.  She looks, and says she feels, so well that it is hard to accept her prognosis.  We talked and hugged and cried together and I made a promise to be with her every step of the way.

She is still unsure about whether she wants to go through chemo again, knowing that it will make her so ill and that the only benefit will be to possibly give her more time.

I was surprised that my experience as Chris's care-giver during his last months was of some comfort to her.   Though my children and all our family believe that I am still too fragile to  bear this new tragedy, I personally think that God has given me a special insight, through Chris, to understand what she is facing, the medical choices she must make, and the spiritual journey she is facing.. 

Is it horrible of me to think that, in some way, Chris' death will have some purpose and meaning, if I can use that experience to help my sister through her own passage to the other side?

I don't know.

I just know that she is my sister -- i can't abandon her, no matter how much I am suffering the loss of my husband -- each life is special and precious, in its own way.

Today, my childhood friend is coming to visit me.  She will be with me for 3-4 weeks.  We have been friends since 7th grade (more than 50 years of friendship) and she is the only friend I have specifically asked for, in my grief, to be with me. She doesn't know about my sister, yet.  It's going to be difficult to tell her.  We have been together through teenage years, marriages, children, divorces, the deaths of all our parents, she came when Chris died -- and, now this.  I thank God for her, my friend, Michele.

Comment by Carol Kayser on September 29, 2013 at 11:44pm

Dear Mac.  I cried on my husband's birthday too, Sept. 15th.  I cried and sobbed pretty much all day.  It came 2 weeks after the 3rd year.  It was just too much I guess, all too close.  You make perfect sense Mac, things will never be the same for us and things just lose their lustre now. They become meaningless.  For a laugh I watch Duck Dynasty only because I am pretty sure my sweetheart is laughing right along with me.  I made a post on Facebook today a beautiful story about a little girl who lost her daddy.  I wish I could copy it here because it is all about how her daddy is there with her all the time and that she isn't alone.  She talks about roses and at the end of the story there is a rose on the desk beside her.  It gave me pause to believe that the things that happen to us now, a lot of them are being directed from up above, still with love and still in our lives.  Not far away at all.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on September 29, 2013 at 11:30pm

Dear Helen.  I know what you mean, those male comforts can bring on tears so easily.  Hugs are one of the things I miss the most about my husband.  It was those hugs that made me feel safe and loved.  I understand and I miss that too. 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 29, 2013 at 3:45pm

Mac   Everything you said is exactly how I feel.   I went to a home exhibition yesterday and watched all these people ordering new kitchens etc and thought to myself why are they wasting time and money on material things when we are all going to die shortly and the most important person in our llives has already died so why are all these people buying cushions and things.    I have just had my shed completely emptied so my executors don't have to do it so I am really preparing to go but how long will I have to wait to see my love again.   Just everything you said resonated with me, even down to food not tasting the same.   Mind you I now bung a ready meal in the oven whereas I would have lovingly cooked a casserole for Morley but don't see the point for just me and in any case, I don'' enjoy anything so what is the point.   I wish we all lived closer and could meet up because none of my friends understand any of the above feelings and are very impatient that I am not "over it" by now, as if I'd had flu or something.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 29, 2013 at 11:37am

A friends husband met me with a friend in a supermarket yesterday and gave me a hug, cue tears.   He was afraid he had upset me but it was the manly hug that is what I so miss with Morley gone, just knowing he was here.   We had over 30 glorious years together and I know I am so very lucky to have had that but  it makes his absence all the harder to bear.   The loneliness is a killer and this house is just that a house, no longer a home with love in it.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on September 29, 2013 at 11:34am

Barbara.   I am so very sorry to hear about your sister but am totally with you on the wishing it were you instead.   I feel I am existing not lliving and have nothing more to give to this world so why oh why can.t I just go and join Morley.   I dread each dawn with yet another day to face without him.

Vee   I am with you re the empty shell.    As I say above I feel I have nothing more to contribute on this earth.   I worked for 40 years and was care giver to both parents and now all I want is to be allowed to go and join Morley.   We were a formidable team and would be so wherever we are sent.    This pain seems to get worse with every passing day not better and the tears get shed every day often in the car so no one can criticise me.   What lessons are we meant to be learning going through this horrendous and never ending grief.   I just want it all to be over please.

 

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