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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mark Jackson on December 4, 2013 at 11:33am

First I want to say that I am truly sorry to welcome the new people here. It is sad that you have to be here, but this is a place where no one will judge you. You can shall we say "let it all out", there are only words of encouragement here. Even if you don't post it's nice to know your not going crazy. That someone else has gone through the same thing thatyour going though. I lost my wife Cathy about 2 months ago.

Barbara                                                                                                                                                                      

 This is one crazy roller-coaster ride we're on. I know exactly how you feel. I congratulate you on just getting out and  going Christmas shopping. When I set at home I feel so alone and wish someone would call to invite me out or just come by. I don't call because to me it feels like I imposing on them. Then when I do get that invitation to go out, while I'm out I get upset on the inside at everybody for having a good time. It's like how dare they, don't they know I've lost part of my life, my soul mate. How can they even think of smiling and laughing. Then I realize they've lost just a friend. They still have there wife or husband with them, by there side. Now I don't want to be there any more, as my grandpa would say "I've become a real stick in the mud" bring everybody down with me.

When I do leave I start to feel bad about the way I felt about my friends. The still have a life to in joy. Then I think  if Cathy was here we would be laughing and smiling with them, and then I feel worse. How many times have Cathy and I been the ones have a good time while someone else is in pain.

As you know there's no easy answer. I've read here that the pain never go's away, but it gets easier to deal with. I truly hope that's true. I don't know if any of use will ever feel whole again, I think there well always be a part of use that longs for our mates.

Just know that one day we will be with them again. In a place were there no more pain, no more tears, no sickness. They will be whole, and we'll be with them for ever and ever, never to be parted again. Until that time, hang onto that thought and  remember one step at a time.

 

{{HUG}} Here's a big hug because you need it.

Mark

 

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on December 4, 2013 at 8:03am

Why am I so offended that people, close to me, don't seem to want to spend time with me, when, in fact, I really prefer my solitude?  Why do I feel that I need my family and friends, more than ever before, but keep pushing people away?  

Yesterday, while Christmas shopping with my daughter, sister and niece -- they found some crazy hats from Cat in the Hat at a bookstore, and wanted us all to try them on and take a photo -- they were just laughing and having fun -- but, I didn't want to try on funny hats, and certainly didn't want to have my picture taken.  I was thinking of Christmas shopping with my Chris in other years.  I took their picture with the camera-phone, but refused to don the hats and pose with them.

I ruined their fun.  Then, I felt hurt when they "ditched" me, as soon as they could.  

Standing in line at the check-out in a home store, the lady in front of me started a conversation -- just pleasantries -- then she asked, "Whose wedding ring is that you're wearing as a pendant?"  (I wear my husband's wedding ring on a gold chain that I gave him for his birthday, and that he wore every day for 20 years.)  The chain isn't very long and sometimes it falls outside my shirt or sweater.  I almost lost it, right there, in the check-out line.  I'm sure that lady is pretty much cured of starting casual conversations in the check-out line.

Why am I such a mess?  And, when will I regain control of my emotions?  And, when will I stop being so needy?  And, when will I learn to forgive those who just want me to be "normal", again?  

Will I ever learn to laugh again?  Will I ever feel "whole", as a person, again?  

Comment by Marsha H on December 4, 2013 at 3:19am

Hi Susan ...  You mentioned in a post you didn't know how to respond to someone in an individual post to them so was just letting you know.  You're doing fine.

I hope you are having a little better of a day and I know it's very difficult for you.  Even after 1 1/2 years of my husband passing away I still can be very sensitive and have my good/bad days.

Comment by cheryl holbrook on December 3, 2013 at 7:39pm

To the new one who have found a way here, sorry to have to welcome you, but glad because the support is wonderful here.

I dont post alot but do try and scan through the posts and appreciate the sharing of each one and what they are going through. Its not always easy to share with others but it is a healing in itself.

My Mike passed 8 months ago and the holidays for me I would rather sleep through. In 8 months Ive been denied disability, recieved food stamps, denied medical, got a job - for 6 weeks and let go because I was not ready for the job, youngest left home, oldest son returned home from Air Force with family, had 3 funnerals to attend, youngest came back home,got medical today, ........(and on and on) lol. Its a true rollercoaster were on. There are always going to be ups and downs in life, Im trying to count this as one of my greatest feats to overcome. I tryuly believe that the Lord will see me through whatever he has in store.

Feel free to post anything you may feel a concern about, Im sure someone will say oh yes I too feel that way! *whew* :)

One day at a time ... Cheryl

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 3, 2013 at 4:23pm
Hi Susan. Yes, comments are coming through fine:)
Comment by Marsha H on December 3, 2013 at 2:54pm

Susan ...  You are so right that the hardest thing to do is navigate this world alone without our spouses and it's an uncertain path at times.  We have to take time to even realize what happened, then we try to figure out why (that will never happen) we go through the tears, some go through guilt, pure sadness, not wanting to be here at all, but joining our loved ones and a variable of other emotions.  The second year seems to be the one where we face reality.  We each grieve differently.  I talk to my husband and I also feel he is close so that gives me a sense of peace sometimes.  I know he was worried about leaving me, but, the greatest gift I could give him was to tell him to 'let go.' 

Your post was encouraging and thank for that.  Hope is what we all need here that one day our minds will clear enough to be at peace and enjoy life again.  Thank you for that.  Your friend is a wise and courageous lady and give us hope as well.

You are so lucky to have dreams that make you feel good.  I had nightmares and would wake up so unsettled and not feeling well and it would take me a 1/2 hour to get myself together mind-wise.  Sometimes when under pressure I can still have these unsettling dreams and sometimes I am thankful for having dreams I don't remember.

Comment by Marsha H on December 3, 2013 at 2:46pm

Hi Susan ...  When you want to post to an member on here you sign in, then at the top you will see 'COMMENT' and you put your curser in the empty box and put the persons name the post is for.  Example:  Marsha .... (then write your message.)  After you have finished what you're saying look just below the box you typed in and on the left it says 'stop following' and click on that and it will change to 'follow' and then go to the bottom right (in orange) where it says 'Add Comment.'

Hope this helps.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 3, 2013 at 1:30pm

Susan  I found your description of out of body experience very comforting.   I have had nothing at all to convince me that my husband still exists somewhere waiting for me except a very good psychic I seen regularly and who had become a friend.   I saw her yesterday and actually asked he point blank if she really sees my husband or is it all imagination because I would rather know the truth.   She said she wished she could take her third eye off and put it in the middle of my forehead, then I would believe and she was adament he is there.   She has told me many things from him that she could not have known an d I really don't tell her anything so I have to accept that she does see Morley (my husband).     She told me yesterday that she thought the time had come that I might see him myself.   I took that to mean that my time is near and he will come for me.   I really hope that is true as I cannot find anything to fill my days and spend them out for coffee with friends or similar.   My GP asked if I would speak to a group of medical students on how to handle the person left behind in a bereavement as he had never seen anyone as anguished as me.   I agreed as that was my job though I found 10 students sitting round a table staring at me more daunting than the 40 students I used to have in the lab.    Getting them to ask questiions was like pulllng teeth but I did feel I| had accomplished something and he assured me that though they were Quiet whilst I was there, they were still talking about it an hour later.   That was assuring but I cannot build a life on 2 twenty minute sessions once a year with students.   |I felt Morley would have been pleased about it as that was what he did for a living also though I was a lowly scientific offificer and he was. a senior lecturer in the University,.   That is part of the problem because although we worked for different departments it was in the same buillding so were just a staircase away and obviously drove together night and morning.   I just miss him so much.   It is nearly 4 years and I would give anything to have the experience you have had.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 3, 2013 at 8:18am

I am  so sorry.   I realise |I have already welcomed you Susan.   Please pout it down to 74 year old brain cells.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 3, 2013 at 8:16am

Welcome Susan - it is an odd choice of words because no one really wants to be here because it means they have lost their soul mate.    This forum saved me and you can vent anything you want and not be judged and always find a willing ear.   I am so sorry fort your loss - at the moment you will still be in the fog which lasted about a year in my case but eventually you have to face the future without them and come on here and vent all you need to.   This is a loving group and we have all walked in your shoes so we know that your heart is broken and unless someone loses a spouse they can never understand.   We do,   Bless you.   I am not particularly religious but it still seems the right thing to say.

 

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