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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on December 27, 2013 at 3:15pm

Susan .. What a wonderful post you left Nicole and it encouraged myself as well.  I too have found that by reaching out to others such as strangers we bump into have had to deal with a loss and are most understanding.  It encourages us to move ahead and realize that there are kind and wonderful people in the world that understand how we feel.  Although the road of grief is a rough road to travel I have found as months go by just how much I have to offer others and it does strengthen our spirit to help where we can as we've been helped.  I take the wisdom from my husband and 'pay it forward.'  Even through grief we are learning and, although we will always miss our loved one the heartache does soften as time goes on. 

Bless you for your wise words.

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 27, 2013 at 3:08pm

Dear Nicole ... I am so very sorry with the loss of your fiancé at such a young age where death is a word that isn't in the younger generations vocabulary, but the future appears bright. My husband passed away of pancreatic cancer at age 65 in April 2011 and we had planned our future for retirement.  All of us ask 'why?'  There will never be an answer to that question. I know your heart is broken and you are in shock at the present time which many of us go through, but sudden death is the most difficult for our minds to accept.

For now hon, lean on family (Timmy's family as well as they have lost a son) and friends.  Choose one or two loyal friends you can count on to 'cry when you want to' or talk about Timmy and the memories you had together or simply to vent and get angry if you feel like it.  Decide on either grief group counseling or a one-on-one psychologist who deals with grief.  It does help, but, unfortunately no book of instructions came with grieving over the love of our lives .. our mates.  The journey of grief unfortunately, is a part of life and it does feel we are on a long, rough road wondering how we will deal with all our emotions and will we ever have a future.  We do!  Grief is different for every individual and each one goes through it at the beat of their own drummer.  This forum is a wonderful place to be and we are like family just venting off and on and also able to see how others progress forward to a new lifestyle without their mate.  No one judges the other here and when one person is hurting the angels on this forum come forward to offer comfort.  We all show the heartache we feel at times and always we get much support from others and great encouragement.  I hope you continue to come back Nicole so we can be here for you.  There are many young members (unfortunately) who have had their spouse pass away and although sad, we are all in the same boat no matter what age we are. 

Cry when you want to, talk to Timmy every chance you get because I do believe he is there with you giving you strength.  Try to sleep as often as you can, eat small meals during the day and drink lots of water (crying is good for us, but can dehydrate us.) I know all this seems pointless at this time in your life, but it is important.  Timmy would want you to hang in there as best you can and believe that he's there and pushing you forward.  Reach out to us, family and friends and you will get through this Nicole.

Big hugs (because you need one)

Marsha   

Comment by Marsha H on December 27, 2013 at 2:48pm

Dear Barbara ... I honestly think that family and friends feel because we grieve we've lost all our brain cells.  I've been angry at times over well-meaning family and friends suggesting I move or volunteer, etc. and basically said the same thing you have 'I reserve the right .....' but, quickly added I loved them and that if I need help I would ask and appreciate any help I could get.  I have a new Financial Advisor that is going to help me get into better shape financially even though most of the heavy duty things such as a new roof, house painted, garden cleaned up are done. Like you I'm capable of doing things on my own.

Yes, clear as a bell Barbara; I get the same thing from family and friends to do things I normally wouldn't do if Ernie was here.  I think they are trying to find ways for us to get back out into society and make new friends. I may just take on a house-bound senior like my girlfriend where you visit them, do their grocery shopping, etc., because helping others often helps ourselves and can brighten our spirits.  Other than that I'm simply mulling things over to see where my talents lay and go from there.  I have no idea why suddenly everyone feels we need to be helped down stairs, etc, or 'ooops, watch you don't fall.'  It makes me feel old and I use to do those things when Ernie was still here and much more.  I am half expecting to get a new wheel chair with helmet and a flag attached to it so you'll see the orange flag bobbing along before I even get where I'm going.  LOL I have made it abundantly clear I'm still intelligent and although I have my bad days I'm still very active.  Where I once was angry with them for any suggestions I just smile and say 'thank you, but no thank you.'  I guess they may see that as a sign of stubbornness, but so be it.

Glad you busted out and vented Barbara.  Sometimes we have to do that just to remain strong and assertive.  However, now I know that the people who surround me and love me are grasping at straws so they can once again see my smile (always smiled a lot) and get involved, but like you and Chris, Ernie and I had our own lifestyle and I don't want to change my lifestyle too much because part of me enjoys my own company, while I am also extroverted and when I feel like it I can almost be myself .. witty, making people laugh and almost feel human again.  Then there are days I just 'vant to be alone!'  I suppose to family and friends they worry about us and want the 'old us' back, but I remind them that I will be on my feet more and more, but won't be the same 'old Marcy' as when Ernie was here.

You have helped so many on here as well Barbara and we all keep each other glued together as far as what is normal grieving or the difference between being sad or depressed.  I talk to Ernie like you talk to Chris and it's a comfort as I'm sure they are watching over us.  It is healthy to go off into another room, cry or just talk to our loved one.  I do the same.  I feel by doing so our spouses are there to urge us on and give us strength even though we may not know it at the time.

I found this 3rd Christmas a little more sentimental and I had my cries off and on.  I had my private Christmas with my dogs at midnight Christmas Eve and hoped Ernie would be there in spirit and just talked to him.  I cried buckets, but suddenly peace came over me and I was OK.  I'm not leaving this world without a fight and want to keep the flame of Ernie's memory going and believe me I do.  My next battle is with my family doctor who always insisted my weight loss (have leveled off to a certain weight) was due to grief.  At first I bought it, but I saw him a month before Christmas and made it very clear I would always miss Ernie, but was only depressed a little over my weight loss.  He finally got the message. You hang in there Barbara and I'm proud of you for standing your ground!

Hugs

Marsha

          

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 27, 2013 at 1:56pm

I Hesitate to welcome Nicole and Lisa because it means you have joined the elite group of those who have lost the person they love most in the World.   You are both so young it is doubly cruel you have lost out on happiness.   I had 31 gloriously happy years with Morley (my husband) but because of the way he died I have been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress and hence relive his death daily and my part in trying to save him so I cry daily for him.   I only wish to be with him and pray nightly to waken in his arms but I am 74 and you are both so young.   Please do not let anyone tell you how long or how deeply you will grieve.   Everyone is different.   I have been told by so many to volunteer, join a group etc (on Christmas day one of my closest friends whom I thought understood my feeling on "joining" wants me to join a choir,  I never felt less like singing in my life).   Many people also tell me about all these wonderful widows they know that are doing so much better than me but they forget, they all have children, grandchildren etc who come around nearly every day.   We had no children and my sister and two nieces decided very soon after Morley's death that they could not cope with my grief so I have not seen them for more than 2 years (they send me Christmas and birthday card, how hypocritical is that).   Mind you I am just as bad as I also send them cards because one of friends told me I should be the bigger woman (whatever that means) but I rather think my New Years resolution is to stop doing that. Do you know on Christmas Day when I came home I rushed straight for the answer machine.   It was blinking with a lovely message from a close friend who is now my next of kin but nothing from my family.   How pathetic am I to still hope after all this time.   My true friends tell me I was coming to terms with Morley's death until the family thing threw me right back to the beginning of the grieving and there I have stayed.    I should be trying to give you hope and not go on about my problems and I can honestly say you have come to right place for help.   No one will ever criticise anything you say and there will always be a willing ear.   I have this theory that only those people who had met their soul mate ever find legacy so you are in the right place,   I am so sorry that you have to go through this at such a young age.

Comment by cheryl holbrook on December 27, 2013 at 1:51pm

I do hope everyone survived the Christmas blahs.

Diane C - Im so glad you made it through alright, and the time you got to spend with Rich. So sorry your having a rough go of it , understandable, but you still took time out to post for us. Its always nice to know when you have not seen one for a bit and then do, that they are at least ok. Hoping that this upcoming year is better for you and the rest of us.

Mike F - sorry to hear the week was so rough for you.  I can relate just a bit with the years and bdays . I would have just had 34 myself and my bday is tom, never been one without my Mike. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Barbara - i hear you there. Sometimes I feel the same way, like really we have not been decapitated just because we lost a mate. We can make some pretty good decisions(at times lol). I agree with Marsha too they just care for us so they want to try doing something even if its not for us. Makes them feel like they are helping us I suppose. Love the poor feeble mom, too cute. Reminds me of my oldest son mom  your back is bad,and your 50 !!! like thats ancient, you should not do that or this, yet same here its fine to do all the rest though alone. Have to love em for trying, right? hehe

Nicole - hate to welcome you to this forum but Im so sorry for your loss. There are alot of wonderful people here with lots of help along the way. There are many at different stages here that really understand. ((hugs dear))

Helen - sorry your struggling so hard. I dont think it is a matter of others getting over their mates, so much as everyone is different in how they react to something, just with grief. Some will move right on, others will take more time and some just never get past it. My grandmother was that way, she never did remarry but she did not move on. For me, Mike was my live since 16. together all the time, everywhere we went it was together, I love that man more than the air I breathe, but When I take the time just to think of Mike, I come to the realization that he is gone, its been 9 months, I layed by his side, held him and watched him pass away. So  there is nothing in this world I can do to bring him back. I can never replace him either. I dont know what the future holds but Id like a friend to be able to do things with too. I wish for you Helen all the happiness  I can, I pray you have some peace and happiness this coming year, somehow, someway. (((Marsh)))

Susan- I agree one foor in front of the other :)

Marsha- your just amazing!

To the others i didnt mention, Frank,Janice, Carol, Charlie, Mark, Mac and others hang in there.

One day at a time .... Cheryl

Comment by Lisa on December 27, 2013 at 12:48pm
Susan,
I was writing Nicole and I read what you wrote to Nicole and it was amazing and I appreciate it so much. Today is the first time Ive written on here-Ive been to scared. Your words resonated with me and are what I needed to hear today. Thank you, this site is truly helping me cope with the loss of my husband. God Bless.
Lisa
Comment by Lisa on December 27, 2013 at 12:40pm
Nicole,
My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband on 11/12/13, he would have been 34 on 12/23. I feel your pain and I too am trying to learn how to come to terms with this. I like you feel so robbed. He truly was the love of my life. I know its not the same but We had been married 4 years and he left behind our 4 year old son and 1 year old daughter. I just joined this site and it has helped. No one around me understands what this loss at my young age is like and I already feel like this site has helped so much just listening to what other people have gone through and that they truly understand. I am still taking it moment to moment just to get thru each day. Im so sorry that you have to go through this and my heart breaks for you knowing your pain.
Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on December 27, 2013 at 12:38pm

Christmas has been even worse this year  nearly 4 years in.   I went to a friend on Christmas day and yes I was able to put a  face on for the duration I was there but have cried off and on the whole holiday.   Morley loved Christmas so (even had to have a stocking which I would fill).   What I want to know is why all these other widows are doing so much better than me.   I go out to concerts when asked ,   I meet friends for coffee yet I keep getting told about all these other widows (widowed way after me) and they are all doling so much better apparently.   It is coincidence that they also all have family of one sort of another and I have no one.   I really am doing my best but on Christmas day one of the friends who has really supported me joined in with the suggestion she thinks I should join a choir  (the last thing I feel like doing at the moment though of course it night be a blessing.   I guess these other  widows don't talk about their grief as much as me., so everyone thinks they are doing better and maybe they are.   I doubt any of them have the post traumatic stress diagnosis I have because of the way Morley died.   I feel I have definately moved way back in my grieving this Christmas and cannot get his death out of my mind and just pray for the day I will join him.   I think it was Mark who said he counts off the days until he can be with his love - same here.   What worries me greatly is how many more days..    I wish I could be like all these other widows who much me so much stronger than me when they can do all they do and they have been widowed after me.   God help me. because I don't know how to stop this crying for my Morley.   I miss him and love more if possible since he died.   He was quite simply my whole life and really I don't want to do anything without him (we did everything together for the last 10 years of his retirement). I just wish someone would tell me the secret of getting on with life without him.   I feel there is no place for me.   I am so sad (i don't mean sad in grief but sad  as in pathetic) because my family sent me cards first contact in a year) and when I came home in Christmas my first port of call was the answering machine and sure enough it was blinking with a message from my best friend and next of kin now but I still was hoping one of the family would leave me a message - how pathetic is that.   I now have the big decision as to whether or not to send my sister a birthday card (it is on 17th Jan).   My instinct is to accept the inevitable,, that they don't want to know me any more  and not send a card but what do all my friend on Legacy think?   I am so uncertain of anything now (and used to be so self confident when Morley was here).   I just am  a lost soul at the moment and my only friend is the bitter tears I cry all the time.

Comment by Bar S on December 27, 2013 at 10:02am

Nicole,

I'm so sorry for your loss. No understanding the senseless nature of the universe. It just isn't fair. I feel your  pain. Yes you were robbed- just remarkable how all the plans driven by love and mutual hopes for the future disappear in a moment. How do you cope with the loss of Tim - one moment at a time. It's a slow  emotional struggle. It's torturous for many of us. Seek support where ever you can.  It's awful to hear  how you lost Tim. I'm so saddened for you. Barry

Comment by Nicole Amato on December 27, 2013 at 9:49am
I lost my soon-to-be fiancé (but truly, the man I view as my spouse as we wanted to marry two years ago and we were merely saving to "do it right") in an unexpected, fatal hit-and-run (investigation ongoing). Timmy was the great love of my life, my best friend, my confidante, my goofball. I am still very much in shock and am expecting to see him or see a missed phone call from him. Other than starting grief counseling, I do not know how to do this nor do most people my age. I feel robbed and cheated that Tim and I only had three, precious years together. We did not even get to share in the joy of official marriage, a family, growing old together - all of the things we so wanted and worked extremely hard to have together. Tim was far too good of a man to have died in such a senseless manner.

As I am not sure how to "do this," I am enlisting the help of others who have also sadly been here. My condolences to your loved one and please pray for Tim & I's family to gain closure in the worst tragedy of our lives.

Christmas Eve would've been Timmy's 32nd birthday as well as the day he officially got down on one knee. It was miserable but I survived the days I've been dreading the most since my everything was stolen from me on November 16th. Now I just have this hopeless feeling of "now what?" How do I do this?
 

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