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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by MikeF on January 11, 2014 at 11:17pm

Cynthia:

What you are expressing are normal manifestations of grief.  Your loss is so recent and the pain is so close at hand.  Yes, it does get easier.  It helps to talk about it with people, such as the teacher at work, who have experienced  a loss of someone close to them. 

I highly recommend finding a bereavement group.  The one that I have been meeting with for the last year has helped me stop many of those "should have, would have, could have" thoughts that tied me up for the first three months.  I lucked into a good group from the start.  Others on here have reported trying different groups until they found one that clicked.

One topic that is stressed a lot in the group is taking care of "mind, body and spirit".  This means different things to the different people in the group. I have found that getting enough sleep (taking care of the body) is critical for maintaining my grief coping skills.  I have been taking deliberate actions to keep in contact with friends and family to rebuild my social network (taking care of the mind).  And, I have been scouring the web and local library looking for insights into the grief process as part of taking care of the spirit.

As you are figuring out, you not only lost husband, but you lost the life and expectations for the future that you two had created.  Molly was 58 when she died late last year.  She was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer in July and gone in December.  Like you, there was little in the way of signs that she was sick a year before she died.  For me, part of the grief process includes figuring out how to rebuild my life and create new expectations for the future.

The good people on this web site can relate real well to what you are feeling.  I do not post here frequently, but read the comments daily. 

Comment by Chicago Beard on January 11, 2014 at 9:43pm

Kathy

Please go to the 

Found this article on Link In section and read the article on Post Traumatic growth. I think it will help.

Comment by Chicago Beard on January 11, 2014 at 9:03pm

Kathy

It does get easier and you will actually be able to go and enjoy yourself. It has been a little over three years for me and I actually found love again. The pain will never totally go away and things that you used to enjoy together will now be painful. My Rose and I used to love to cruise. I tried going once since and spent much of the time crying. I have not been on one for two years now. Time will lesson the pain and life will become worth living again. Keep coming back here for support. 

Comment by Cynthia Murphy on January 11, 2014 at 6:40pm

Kathy, my husband died Thanksgiving morning which was his favorite day of the year. I am having a terrible time trying to adjust to this new life at home and work. A teacher at work lost her husband 3 years ago and she said it does get easier but she still has bad days too. I still question everything I did and the doctors did. I go back to this time last year and while I have some happy memories I find it painful to know at that time I did not know he had such a short time left. My husband was only 56. I hate the weekends when I have too much time to think. My mind races all day on nothing in particular and that wears me out. I have things to do but no incentive to do them. Life is really the pits right now.

Comment by kathy jennin on January 11, 2014 at 5:08pm

Please someone tell me that it gets easier with time. That the grief u learn to live with and the grief pain lessens with time That u have more smiles than tears. It's been 9 months Thanks Kathy

Comment by kathy jennin on January 11, 2014 at 5:04pm

Hi All,

I have ben having a rough couple of days. I got up at 5am yesterday  I work and couldn't fall asleep until 4 am. it' s been a little over 9 months since Scott died at 55 suddenly. I keep thinking of what we did last Jan .  And then I think after I go thru the full yr and look back for instance Jan 15 I will not have been with Scott in Jan 2014. I thought when I got thru the first yr of firsts it might get a tad easier, but now I think it may be worse. And then my mind goes in all directions with all the un answerable thoughts will I see him again when I die, is there n afterlife, where is my sweethearts soul? And then I pray thanks for reading Kathy

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on January 11, 2014 at 7:53am

Thanks Marsha -- there were a couple of items on this website that were helpful to me.  

Comment by Marsha H on January 11, 2014 at 5:30am

This is American help for Seniors, but it also applies to Canadians and to young widows/widowers.

http://www.care2.com/causes/5-ways-for-seniors-to-save-money-in-the...

Hope this helps to get finances in order.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 10, 2014 at 5:53pm

My dear friend Barbara ..  As always you seem to be there for me with wise words and I do listen and you  have encouraged me.  I think it's a mix of getting over the holidays to a very dreary January and bad weather that affects many of us.  I know age is a factor in grieving and those of us who are seniors, not working and perhaps don't have children or grandchildren often find it difficult to deal with things in their life.  Finding single women is so difficult and I've tried so hard, but no luck.  When older I feel the days into weeks and then a year slipping by that I can't afford and I suppose I expect too much for myself and just want to get on with life.  As you know it's very frustrating because as Barry said it's trying to find the tools to do so.

As time goes by grieving does dull a little at a time and we realize what we are capable of, but also what we aren't capable of.  It's difficult to take on a man's job around the house or trying to find a male friend to help out.  I find you are doing so well Barbara although I know you don't always feel that way.  You have great words of wisdom to give throughout your own pain.

I think you list of ideas of great Barbara and thank you for that.  However, I feel great peace in talking to you all no matter what phase of grief any of you are in.  As I have mentioned before I'm writing a book on grief in hopes to educate society more and even perhaps the medical profession because they are so off track.  I'm covering many areas that not even therapists know a griever goes through and this certainly includes seniors as well as the young.  I found out already that widows who are further ahead than I am are not willing to talk.  It's like a muzzle has been put on them and I can understand that they don't want to be reminded of that gut-wrenching grief they went through.  The new and older members here are very precious to me and I promised to be there to help and that there is hope in the future.  Here is a song I left everyone and I don't go back on my word:    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZcdNuJwfrs   It is so important to me to be there for all of you, yet let you know I do have my moments as well and it's called 'being human.'  You just don't learn from me, but I learn from you and I want others on here to know there is someone who understands, who has been there, who is still going through the pain of grief, yet, steadily climbing that mountain to stay on top.  I don't think I could say 'moving on from grief' as I'm not quite there yet.  If it doesn't feel right to me I back off until it does.

I do go doggie walking with a friend a lot.  I go out for dinners, a movie on occasion, have friends over, 2 Christmas buffets and try, but sometimes I fall back like many others and I do pick myself up, brush myself off and try again, but I'm growing impatient.  The problem is Barbara none of my friends have single friends and that is part of the problem, not finding single women at my age.  If they are widowed they have grandchildren or large families leaving which, of course, they are into and well they should be.  I appreciate all your ideas and believe me I'm trying, but it's a bumpy road.  I should feel blessed, but sometimes just feel like a ghost walking on a different plain of life and I think you know what I mean.  I know eventually things will come together for me.

I also know 'love' is a word that is often said out of habit, but I believe you do love me and I can honestly say I love everyone on here and consider all of you my extended family and for the new comers to me they are a sister or a adopted daughter and this also includes the men on here.  I fills me with peace and a safe place to come.  As the song says 'I will never desert you.' 

Love you too Barbara and the heart knows no distance.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Bar S on January 10, 2014 at 5:18pm

Marsha H,

Happy Birthday! I've written three responses to your comment. Somehow all three got deleted. Not writing a fourth because I'm to frustrated. But everything you said is so on. It's amazing how so many of us have almost identical ways of experiencing the different life events following our loss. It's uncanny-sort of like all the people who report the same experience for near death experience. Enjoy your day. I understand your feeling about it's just another day. I felt that way about the holidays. Barry

 

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