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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1372
Latest Conversations: Sep 15

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on January 12, 2014 at 2:50pm

Hi Mac ...  Thank you for the b/d wishes and I appreciate it.  As I told Janice I normally wouldn't mention it, but find I do OK on special occasions and its the let-down after that gets to me.  We've had such miserable weather here ... lots of rain and lower mainland's national flower is 'mildew!'  LOL  It rains and rains and too miserable to go take the dogs for a walk.  I ventured out yesterday rain or no rain and got the dogs out, but today not going to bother as it's coming down like crazy.

I hope you are having better days Mac and I think of you often.  Feel free to email me any old time and vent.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 12, 2014 at 2:47pm

Janice ...  Thanks for the Happy Birthday and I appreciate it.  I have to laugh because up until I was 55 I would say I was a year older when asked my age because my b/d falls in January.  Now, I am trying to go backwards, but it's not working.  LOL  I wouldn't normally mention my b'd on the forum, but it's the emotional up and down that get's most of us.  I do pretty good on the occasion I'm celebrating, but the it's the let-down and loneliness that sets in later.  I've just got to get use to it. 

Hope you are having better days Janice and I am so very proud to see you posting and just think, if you didn't we'd never know what a wonderful person you are.  Welcome to our extended family.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Diane C on January 12, 2014 at 2:46pm

Hi Marsha,

I would like to add my Happy Belated Birthday wishes to you also. I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time right now. But, I totally understand that too. I seem to have good days and bad days too. I was having some flash backs of when Rich was in Hospice and it just brought me down so bad. I think we are all having some rough patches to get through for one reason or another. I wish you the best and hope that your birthday was as nice as it could be.

Hugs!!!

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on January 12, 2014 at 11:57am

To all the new members since I last posed, I welcome you although this is the last place you  really want to be because it means you have lost the person you love most in the World.   I wish I could give assurances that it gets easier with time and to a certain extent it does in that you learn to put a face on in public better but the pain inside never goes away.   It is nearly 4 years since my husband (Morley) died and truthfully since the holidays (which were horrendous since we had no family), I seem to have slid backwards and the tears are flowing freely again whenever I get to be alone.   I can be out with a crowd and inside I feel I am dying of loneliness and only long to join Morley wherever he is.   I wish I could give more hope to the new ones on legacy.   There are some of us who do learn to cope with it better but I have to say I am not one of that group and my love for him is deeper than ever and after nearly 4 years of total unhappiness I just wish it would all end.   Try and read some of the more positive posts but don't beat yourself up if you don't fit into one of those groups.   I did at the start - now I just try to put one foot in front of the other (just as I did at the beginning) and say a prayer of thanks at the end of each day that that is one day closer to Morley that I have managed to get through.   I have a sister and two nieces who turned their backs on me because of something I said right at the beginning ( apologized but that hasn't helped).   I see a psychic regularly (a good done not a charlatan) and she has told me to cut all ties with my family as my constantly hoping they might relent has been holding back my grieving for Morley.   But it really doesn't get easier with time unless you are one of the lucky ones.   I was out last night with a group for the whole evening, came home about 10, opened the door to the empty house and howled my head off for about an hour so once again I have these huge circles under my eyes.   Just don't expect too much and maybe you will be one of the lucky ones who learn techniques for coping better than I have.

Bless to all

Comment by janice foyt on January 12, 2014 at 9:29am

Marsha,  I am a little late too but Happy Birthday.  I am happy you had a good time. Hugs Janice

Comment by Mac on January 12, 2014 at 8:44am

Marsha, alittle late but happy birthday, You are still our rock and am very sorry for all the problems you have been having,

Hugs Mac

Comment by Marsha H on January 12, 2014 at 3:39am

Barry ... Thanks for the Happy Birthday.  I do appreciate it.  You are so right that even though you half enjoy the evening deep inside you can't help, but feel something is missing and of course it was Ernie.  He always loved to celebrate my birthday and other special occasions with me.  Still, I smiles, joked, had good food and two good girlfriends that made an effort to make my evening special and they managed to do that to some degree.  I can't say I didn't feel exhausted at the end of the evening because I did.  I also find that I'm getting better at entertaining, going out when I can, but it's after that I feel the let-down of being truly alone and that's when I burst into tears sometimes.

Comment by Marsha H on January 12, 2014 at 3:32am

Kathy ...  I wish I could give you a big hug and wave a magic wand to take you out of the pain of grief, but even though we don't want to believe such pain is normal in life grief is part of living. 

You are in fresh grief hon and you will ease into different phases of grief and the quote 'time heals' does to a point where you can get on with your life and have a future even though you will never forget the love of your life.  Grief just takes time.  If you aren't getting grief counseling and you can also go to Mental Health in your area to direct you to a free group or even a one-on-one.  Don't be afraid to interview the therapist and try to find one that has had a spouse pass away because they are the ones that understand the pain we all have or are now suffering from. 

I remember so well being where you are in grief and I didn't think I was going to make it, but the members of this forum kept me glued together and little by little I began to see small improvements in my grief patterns and I am still improving, but every so often I too have a cry or wonder if I will ever have a future, but you know, we do.  Please keep posting on here and we'll be here for you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on January 11, 2014 at 11:47pm

Kathy, it has been 9 months since I lost my Chris -- I don't have any answers, either.  I have been told that there is no time-table for grief.  I still have days when life seems unbearable.  There are days when I find myself crying, desperately -- and, days when I cry gently.  There are days when I keep busy and occupied -- and days when nothing matters and I have no motivation at all.  I think grief is circular -- we keep coming back to the starting point, again and again.  

I have learned this much -- take the good days and be as happy in them as you can.  

We are all groping toward a future that we didn't plan -- we won't have a vision of that future until we figure out who we are.  We are different, now.  Through our loss we are made different.  I think we get to choose how our grief changes us -- but I am not sure.

Hang on.  You are among friends.

Hugs and prayers,

Barbara

Comment by MikeF on January 11, 2014 at 11:35pm

Kathy:

I just passed the one year mark from Molly's death.  The last two weeks in December were quite difficult for the reasons that you pointed out.  Friends and family helped me a lot by spending time with me or calling me to let me know I was in their thoughts and to share stories about Molly.  In a way I feel a little stronger having gotten through those weeks.

I hope that you can find a way of breaking your cycle.  Finding someone you can talk to that has experienced a loss of someone close could help.  I have found that getting some of the stuff that is floating in my mind out in the open helps bring in some reality.  At times it is almost like our minds play tricks on us by distorting situations and making us fixate on the negative and ignoring the positive.

Getting enough sleep is really key.  For me, lack of sleep tends to breakdown the coping skills that I need to fight the negative tendencies.  This leads to a vicious cycle.

 

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