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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Maxine Hall on February 8, 2014 at 6:03am
Hello everyone. I'm sorry for all of your losses.
Death is never going to be something we will ever accept or get use to. it is the most painful thing a person can go through. While the memories can comfort they can also bring renewed pain particularly on special occasions. I find that when I take time to read passages from the bible it helps a great deal.
One passage is in Jesus' own words at John5:25 " most truly I say to you the hour is coming and it is now, when the dead will hear the voice of the son of God, and those who have paid attention will. Verse 28 speaks of one coming out from memorial tombs. Our loved one are not only in our memory by in God's as well, and he loves us so much that he's willing and able to give us the opportunity to see them again.
Their is an excellent web site with lots of encouragement personal experiences articles on death and grief and scriptural support as well. JW.ORG
I hope this helps and my best to you all
Maxine
Comment by Marsha H on February 8, 2014 at 5:39am

Dearest Barbara ...  You grief is so raw yet and it's not uncommon not to like loud noises or crowded places because it exhausts us while grieving.  It's time you educated your family so they don't expect you to rescue those in a family upset.  Please read the link I'm leaving, print it out and SLAP IT AT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR FAMILY!!!!  I did this and it helped a great deal.  You have to educate them on your grief because you lost your best  friend and partner in life and they still have their lives.

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/emotionals...

The above link will educate them on the fact that grief is not numbered in months at all (a myth.)  If they start at you again then say, 'I gave you a print out of exactly how I can be feeling and you haven't even bothered to read it!  Deal with your own problems.'   You don't have to feel guilty about putting yourself first, but think in a new way ...they are adults, they can't possibly not know some of the feelings you are going through and to bother you with their problems is disrespectful and they should find time to support you in the best way they can. They are adults and should be able to communicate and figure out their own problems.

You are coming out of your fog, but you will still feel exhausted through different steps of grief.  It's been almost 3 years since Ernie passed, but I still have crying jags, can get angry, depressed, want to hit something or someone at times and feel exhausted.  You are so right that in order for you to start your life alone you need the energy centered on you and that's not being selfish.

Your sister comes first right now so direct your attention to her and if anymore nonsense comes up with family surprise yourself and get angry and tell them to shut their gobs!  I mean it!  I've had to do that myself.

The fact you are seeing the same oncologist you did with your dear one is a shock and exhausting and reminding you of past memories and I am so very proud of you for sticking it out with your sister as I know exactly how difficult that is. 

Get tough my dear friend and don't take the nonsense going on and after you say your piece and give them the print-out from the link I gave you don't worry, they will still love you no matter what.

I'm always here for you my friend.

Love & Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on February 7, 2014 at 11:40pm

I too have been in that deep dark hole.  

Right now, there are a lot of family things going on -- and I am having a difficult time communicating that I am not up for all the drama.  Today, my daughter and I went shopping together -- but actually sat in the car for about an hour while I cried and tried to explain why I don't have the resources to "rescue" members of the family who are not getting along in their lives.  I am sorry for their troubles, of course, but, compared to losing my soul mate and dearest love, their problems just don't loom large on my radar.  I know how selfish that sounds -- but I am struggling, here.

It's been 10 months and I know they all want me to "get normal, again", but I don't even know what "normal" is supposed to be, for me.  I feel as though I am just coming out of the fog -- just beginning to function on a daily basis.  

I feel I must pick and choose where I put my energy, right now, because I have so little to spare.  My sister needs me, and I am trying to be here for her -- that's about all I can manage, and that's hard enough.  We will go back to the oncologist for her latest test results next Friday -- the same oncologist that treated my husband -- the emotional strain of going through all of that, again, is just about the limit of what I have to give.  I think other family members just don't understand that -- 

Sorry to vent like this, but it beats sitting in a car for an hour and going through a whole box of tissues --

Thanks for being here.

Barbara

Comment by cheryl holbrook on February 7, 2014 at 8:04pm

hello everyone, i to have not posted for sometime. I have been struggling as well as some of you have stated. Next month will be 1 year since i lost Mike. Im not sure what Im feeling anymore. I have celebrated bdays, anniversary, holidays and now valentines coming up. I did not want to post as i know others are going through so much more than myself and it breaks my heart for them too.

I do hope things get a bit better for ALL of us. To anyone new that I have not said anything to, im sorry for your loss as well. One day at a time. ... Cheryl

Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2014 at 7:42pm

I concur with Barbara ...  miss seeing many of you posting here and hope it's because you have found some peace and are enjoying each day.

Much love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2014 at 7:40pm

Dearest Jan ...  I know how you feel and from the death of my husband April 27, 2011 on I celebrated Valentine's Day and each year buy him a card and put it on top of the box of ashes I have.  It gives me peace and because we know so little about what they can see or hear regarding those of us left behind I still want to give something to the best thing that every happened in my life ... my husband. 

As hard as it is for you here is a suggestion.  Buy a Valentine's Day helium balloon and write a message on it; take it to a favorite place you and your husband enjoyed (use an open space) and talk to him and then let the balloon go.  I did that last year on our Anniversary and balloon flew off into the skies above and I could almost envision my sweetheart anxiously waiting with hands held forward to catch that balloon.  I stood there until I couldn't see the balloon any longer.  Although I cried I felt at peace in one way as well.  There is also nothing crazy about buying your husband a Valentine's card.  I still do that. 

I know it's difficult to see other couples doing something for Valentine's Day, but what I try to think about is how lucky I was to have met, married and been with my husband for almost 40 years and I consider myself one lucky lady. 

I can promise you in time life will get better for you and although your husband will always be the love of your life you will heal and find peace and love wherever you want it to be.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 7, 2014 at 7:33pm

Mark ...  Seems some of us have been in that deep, dark hole like you have been.  I am so happy to hear you came to the light at the end of the tunnel.  It will be 3 years this April 27th that my husband has been gone and I have dips off and on of being in a dark hole and blindly trying to climb out.  I think I finally figured it out ... Like it or not there are different levels in our grieving (some different than others, but nonetheless we go through them) and each time we hit one more step up in our grieving process we feel we are being slammed back to the beginning, but not true!  It's just another step forward to healing in grief and each new step brings ups and down, but we continue to grow stronger.  I have been keeping a journal of how I feel and I see the pattern clearly.  The trick is to find what gives us peace of mind and to move forward in our grief because I do believe time does heal although we will never forget our spouses.

Prayers to you and all

Marsha

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on February 7, 2014 at 1:41pm

Mark  Join the club.    I have not been posting for a month now because (like you) I have been down in that deep dark hole where I don't believe in anything and certainly not that we will be reunited.   I met up with my psychic today and though am not surer, lets say I have some hope now.    I think we will all continue to go through there ups and down until we do meet up with our loved ones again (I hope).

Helen

Comment by Jan on February 7, 2014 at 11:47am
This is going to be my first valentines day without my husband. How do I find the strength to go through this day. Any advice? The commercials on tv are bringing me to tears.
Comment by Mark Jackson on February 7, 2014 at 9:55am

Hello everybody

  I haven't been here in a while, as I was in a very deep and dark place. A place were I just didn't care what happened to me or anything else. A place I don't ever want to go back to. It took a while for me to start to come back, but now I'm doing better. I will say that I did continue to read all of your posts and they gave me the hope, and courage to get up every morning and try to move forward. I am doing much better and for everybody new here you my not want to hear this but it does get better. The pain is always there but you will learn to deal with it and control it, but it never go's away. OK I've rambled enough for now. I my not post as much but I still read your posts and they do help. Remember one step at a time, and we'll make it.

Your all in my prayers. 

Mark

 

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