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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1372
Latest Conversations: Sep 15

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by MikeF on March 15, 2014 at 6:55pm

Kristen

I'll second Barbara's comments.  It has been almost 15 months since Molly dies and I still toss around interactions we had while I was trying to care for her as she was sick and fading away.  One of the longer term goals of the grief process is to help us better focus on the big picture.  The life of love that we shared is not diminished by things that happened during short term periods of stress...even if they occurred at the end of life.  We take actions in life based upon best available information.  Sure if I had known that Molly was going to die that night, I would not have let the hospice people move her from the comfort of her own bed to the hospital bed.  Moving her into that bed still haunts me, but I have grown to understand that nothing I could have done would have changed what happened and I know that she was well cared for and loved through that day and night.

My take on the statement "letting go" as it applies to the grief process is not letting go of our loved ones, but letting go of these anxieties (the would have/should have/could haves) so that the love that we shared can give us the strength to live and experience joy.

Two weeks is so soon.  The pain of your loss of Rob is so raw.  At this point the best thing you can do for yourself is get as much sleep as possible and share as much time with family and close friends as possible. 

I highly recommend finding a bereavement group. Being able to talk through the day to day feelings with others that are experiencing similar losses has helped me feel less alone and more connected with the world.

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on March 15, 2014 at 10:05am

Oh Kristen --  we all have those kinds of regrets -- something we did or didn't do -- something that probably would have not made a difference or was even thought about by our loved one, at the time.  But it haunts us.  Rob knew you were sick too -- he knew about your pet -- he never blamed you for anything, I am sure of that -- and you should try not to blame yourself.

I remember a night, after a particularly exhausting day, when I was trying to help my Chris get settled into bed.  My back was hurting, my legs were aching, I had a pounding headache and he was being very particular about how his pillows and covers were arranged before he would get into his bed.  I said, rather sharply, "It would be nice if you would just let me get you settled!".  He looked at me, and said, "You're exhausted.  Why don't you just go relax.  I've got this!"  That little exchange haunts me to this day.  Why was I so impatient with him?  Why couldn't I just take a few more minutes to be kind?  I felt guilty then, and I feel guilty, now!  But, I know, he didn't give it a second thought -- it is just the ultimate outcome of their illness that brings us so much regret.  Had he lived, I would never have thought of it again, and neither would he.  

But, you didn't cause Rob's illness and you could not have cured it, no matter what you did,or how much you wanted things to have ended differently.  

In the big picture, Kristen, it isn't what we do or don't do at the end --it is what we have been to each other through the years together.  Hold tight to the good memories -- they will help you heal.

Love and prayers,

Barbara

Comment by Kristen on March 15, 2014 at 9:32am

Having a hard time dealing with guilt. It's been 2 weeks since Rob passed. I keep going back to the week that we were both sick and the night he woke me at 11:30 pm and said he was going to ER. I feel guilty for not taking him and staying with him. I didn't want him to drive himself so I had his nephew take him. I went to the hospital the next afternoon and sat with him for a few hours. This was when he was just on an oxygen mask and was still awake. I came home and had to rush my cat to the vet to be put to sleep (she was diagnosed with kidney failure in Dec.). I text him that night and told him she had passed and that I wouldn't be in but would be in to be with him in the morning. Well, at 2:30 am that morning he was put into an induced coma and put on a ventilator. I so wish I would have taken him to ER myself and been with him more than I was. I guess I just thought since he was in the hospital, they would make him better. I hope he can forgive me.

Comment by Carol Kayser on March 14, 2014 at 4:01pm

Hi DesertDove, hope you are having a better day today! 

Comment by DesertDove on March 13, 2014 at 8:49pm
Dear Carol sorry to hear u were feeling so bad, but @ least u did get support fm yr daughter that's good
I think that's the scariest thing for us. when we get sick & hv no one to comfort/care for us. no one to run to grocery store etc it's all on our shoulders. Wow so nice of your landlord to bring soup! his mamma raised him right! Those r the little things we need. I'm glad u. r feeling better. I've had a abcessed tooth. I went to hospital. my cheek was swollen too. But nothing like yrs.. Take care!
Comment by DesertDove on March 13, 2014 at 8:37pm
Marsha. thank you. doing better, as u know everyday is different. Our body chemistry seems to go up & down. It was really windy today I was driving to check on a friends. house changed lanes & almost hit the car in next lane. He was in my blind spot.. I didn't see him but he layed on the Horn & then drove next to me honking the horn off & on. Geezzzz doesn't he know it was a mistake? He acted like I did it on purpose! What a jerk! That's how my afternoon was.... :(
Comment by Carol Kayser on March 13, 2014 at 3:35pm

Dear Marsha, hope you are feeling better today.  Here is a cute little thing.  I had asked my landlord to come by and install light bulbs for me, and he just wrote back after I said I was sick and he said "need a chicken soup delivery or anything"...I thought that was sweet, he's a young guy so he surprised me with his thoughtfulness.

On my 3rd day of IV and Dr. today so will see what he has to say.  Still have pain though, but not as bad. 

Barbara & Marsha, thank you for your caring replies, and I do want to feel better and hope you are getting there Marsha.

Healing thoughts,

Carol

Comment by Barbara Sullivan on March 13, 2014 at 6:18am

Carol and Marsha -- So sorry for both.  I know how you must be feeling.  I hope for healing of both body and spirit for you.  Lonely, scared and not well -- it's a terrible feeling!!!  

Take good care of yourselves and feel better soon.

Hugs

Barbara 

Comment by Marsha H on March 13, 2014 at 5:29am

Dear Carol ... so sorry to hear you aren't feeling good and have had that bad tooth.  I'm not feeling well tonight (all day actually) can't get warm and feel bone-chilled and nauseated and feel like you so scared and lonely.  Yes, it's a feeling of helplessness and I miss Ernie's big hugs and helping me.  You are so lucky to at least have your daughter.  I know that feeling of curling up in a ball (I did today and had a nap) and be rescued only we know different.  One is a lonely number and I find that the hardest part of the grieving process. 

Hang in there girlie as it will get better for you.  I'm just taking it easy as well.  Rest and feel better soon.  I'm thinking of you.

Love & Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Carol Kayser on March 12, 2014 at 5:28pm

I have just had the experience of feeling so alone when being sick again, missing my sweetheart.  Thankfully I got talked through it by my daughter (other one is sick herself) and my sister and texts from my friends so in the end I didn't feel so isolated, but truly I felt scared.   You feel  helpless and there is no one to put their arms around you and tell you it will be ok.  So, 3rd day in and now (even though I have a large lump on my cheek from a severe dental abcess and on IV Therapy) I feel better in control and the sun helps too.  The pain was so bad and my daughter was talking me through it, mentioning that I would do that for her when it happened she needed it.   I just wanted to curl up in a ball and shut out the world, and be rescued.  Of course there was no rescue on the horizon, only myself!

Once this tomato on my cheek goes away I will be back to normal, whatever that is these days!

Carol

 

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