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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on March 23, 2014 at 6:36pm

Greg ...  Part of grieving is guilt as 'I should haves' or, 'I missed something I should have seen.'  We all go through that.  Death of a spouse is horrific and of course we begin to look back on things we feel we should have done.  Death often gives no warning; couples simply get busy in their routine and that's normal so when they pass away all the things we think we should have done and didn't come rushing towards us.  You loved each other, shared many things together and that's all that counts.

I find grief deals us something different every so often and right now I'm going through the 'lonely state' where my immediate family is small and isn't all that close to me; old friends have gone on in their lives with their spouses and I find loneliness is really tearing me apart right now and I haven't quite figured out how to fill that void. 

As time passes you'll find that you won't carry the heavy burden of grief and know that your wife loved you as much as you loved her.  I feel blessed for all of us that we had such wonderful spouses in our lives because so many aren't that fortunate.  I know these words mean little when we are grieving so badly, but it's true and one day we will be at peace and realize it.

I hope your days are more peaceful Greg and if you need to just vent then do as you are doing and you'll find you're not alone.

God Bless you my friend

Marsha

Comment by Greg Janik on March 23, 2014 at 6:28pm
Jane P, I truly know how you feel and I am very sorry for your loss. I have been looking for another companion, leaning towards a dog. I walk three miles every night so it would be nice to have company and jump in the truck and go everywhere with me. The cat lays right next to me and sleeps every night. Might seem weird but it is comforting and I would really miss that so I am looking. I was thinking the sane thing today, I'm never going to get over this but I need to try my best to get through it. I know people who have lost their spouse and got remarried within a year and I think wow, here I am almost two years and I'm still just trying to go through the motions of living every day. I guess that's why everyone is different. It's going to be a long hard road and you are right we have to find a new normal. God Bless and take care... Greg
Comment by Kristen on March 23, 2014 at 6:03pm

Greg, my biggest challenge right now with my grief is getting through the guilt. Rob and I were both sick with pneumonia the night he woke me at 11:30 and said he was going to ER. I didn't want him driving himself so I called his nephew. I wish now that I would have taken him myself and stayed with him all night. I will never forgive myself. I got better on antibiotics from the doctor, he did not and ended up the hospital on life support for 6 weeks. I'm not sure if I will ever get over the guilt because this is just something that I will never understand. Why and how it happened this way.

Comment by Greg Janik on March 23, 2014 at 5:49pm
Marsha, I am trying to work through the guilt, it is so hard to though. I know I will always have the memories and the love we shared, and nobody will ever take that away from me. Material things mean nothing to me anymore, I would give everything I have plus some to have her back. Thank you for all the kind words. I just wish it was under better circumstances, but it is really comforting coming from someone who truly understands... God Bless and take care.. Greg
Comment by cheryl holbrook on March 23, 2014 at 4:01pm

hello all, sry its been sometime since i have posted. First to all the new ones, my heart is with you and i sincerely feel your pain. There are alot here with different stages of grief and been so helpful to me as well. Even though i dont post to much i still find comfort in knowing im not alone.

I have been really depressed , on meds now, chronic depression, ptsd. This wed will be my 1 yr anniversary of losing my Mike. So im really re-living the whole last 5 days of his life in ICU. I miss that man so much and somedays i dont even want to get out of bed.  I can only pray and hope that this next year and the one after, will not be as this one has been. I feel guilty myself too as many have said, is there something i could have dont different, i had power of attorney over him and he could not even respond after day 3 so i had to make the decisions of hospice. I know hes no longer with me and i cannot do a thing about that. But the memories of 33 yrs i cant get around it. Its a constant memory everyday m all day of something he said, something he did, a smell, a a song, a commercial, a sport .... and on and on.

Thx for listening, sometimes its just good to vent. ((All of ya))

Still taking one day at a time .. Cheryl

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on March 23, 2014 at 2:12pm

Theresa  I see a very good psychic and she told me my husband actually reached out his hand and tried to take me with him but tit was not to be but it is comforting to know he tried.   I would guess all our soul mates tried because they want us to be there with them even if the powers who take these decisions have decided otherwise.    Hold on to the belief that your beloved wanted you but it wasn't possible.    I am sorry for your loss.   I do not post on legacy much now as there are lots of young people coming on and I am sure they will do a better job of comforting one an other that listening to an old woman but old or not they love my husband and I shared could not be any more than any one else's love   I just hope you find the peace from some of the younger ones who may have ideas I have not.   I wish you peace.    That is all I hope for until I join him - peace of mind.   Come on legacy and let it all out - it sure helped me at the beginning.

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on March 23, 2014 at 2:01pm

Terry    Don't feel any more guilt about your husband's passing.   I lost my health  (I thought) husband nearly four years ago when he dropped dead at my feet whilst we were on holiday.   I went through all the things you are talking about and felt for years that if only I had noticed that perhaps he looked a little different and had got him to a hospital perhaps they could have saved him but it was a catastrophic rupture of an aortic aneurism and they told me that even if he had been in intensive care, when it happened, they could not have saved him.    We had no children so I am totally alone in the World now and like you feel I  am living in a house but not a home.   The pain is no less now than then and I just wish to could go to sleep tonight and waken with him beside me but whoever decides these things isn't llistening as I have been asking for that every since I witnessed my husbands death throes.   I wish you peace and am sorry for your loss

Comment by Terry Kent on March 23, 2014 at 12:19pm

Dear Greg:
Your comment about feeling guilty about living a life your wife was deprived of really hit me hard. I just lost my perfectly healthy, happy husband at age 51 in a horrible work accident 2 months ago and I feel so guilty that I'm here and he isn't that its driving me crazy. I feel like it's so unfair--he was so cheated, and my kids and I are lost without him and our house doesn't feel like that "home" anymore because our family unit is broken. I don't know how to smile and I don't want to be happy because I feel like I have no right to since my husband isn't here. He was cheated and I question why and why am I the one that's still here and not him and all these things and I don't know how I can go on functioning being so sad and guilty all the time. I just don't feel like I can let go of that guilt because it's so unfair that my soul mate doesn't get to live the rest of his full life and why should I? I want to make things right for my kids but at the same time I don't know how to do that the way I feel and it probably isn't helping them any to feel the same way about our broken home. I feel your pain, and I appreciate what you wrote since I understand exactly how you are feeling.

Comment by Terry Kent on March 23, 2014 at 11:30am

Comment by Carol Kayser on March 23, 2014 at 10:33am

Dear Barbara, that was a beautiful post.  In the world of palliative care it is to celebrate the life of the loved one and not mourn their passing, by that I mean as you say, to focus on the love they brought into our lives, to remember the times spent together, and as Marsha says, to appreciate each moment spent, it didn't have to be in Europe or on a cruise because if that is how we attached our love and importance to each other there would only be brief moments of special memories, but each day, hour and minute was special with our loved ones.  I have a favorite store I always go to and my husband said to me ``honey, I`d go anywhere  with you, even Value Village`` as long as we are together`!

So dont think you didn`t give your loved one the love, the life you thought they wanted, they were with you and that`s where they wanted to be.

 

Hugs,

Carol

 

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