Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Theresa Wimann on March 27, 2014 at 7:11pm
One of my good friends, her husband is a builder and he said he would figure out what I should spend for a fence. Thank goodness. The cost for the fence is almost the same as having the floors sanded and refinished. Something just doesn't seem right.
Comment by Theresa Wimann on March 27, 2014 at 7:09pm
I have thought about a financial advisor but I don't know how to choose one. I just feel right now very suspicious of everyone and everything. I want to make good choices so Bruce will be proud of what I do. I'm just not sure where to go from here. I paid off everything. Except monthly bills and the new chair. I just feel shaky.
Comment by Marsha H on March 27, 2014 at 4:48pm

Theresa ...  I went through the same thing you did.  I had a fence put up in the backyard with 2 gates and a deck.  Then I had to have the furnace serviced, new water heater, new roof and it keeps going.  I know it's very over-whelming when you are grieving so here are some suggestions for you.

FENCE:  Talk to male friends or neighbors (you may get lucky and they'll do it for you) but, if that doesn't work look up companies that build fences and have at least a good 3 estimates given to you.  You'll know if you're being scammed if one is higher and the other may be too low.  Word of caution ... I go mid-range because if you go cheap the job isn't generally done properly or they could leave you high and dry for weeks.  Be sure and have a signed contract when you choose one and if need be have a friend or neighbor go over the contract with you and be sure a reasonable 'finish date' is put on that contract.  Also be sure the company you are choosing has insurance in case a worker gets injured.

FURNACE:  On the furnace itself there should be a phone # of the company that installed it so phone them and have them come up and clean the filters and bring the furnace up to speed (doesn't generally cost that much) and ask the serviceman to show you how to change the filter.  That's what I did. 

TOSSING STUFF OUT:  Don't fret and consider it a blessing to give you a much needed rest to make other decisions clearly.  If you are ever in doubt ask a family member, friend or come on here and get help and ideas.  YOU'RE NEVER ALONE!  The floors will get done and then you can toss things out.  I am sure there is a reason why you aren't able to toss certain things out as you want to be clear-headed.

I live just outside Vancouver, British Columbia and it's raining and cold and then the sun comes out a little just to tease everyone and back to rain.  I'm busy looking for my 2013 income tax and have been looking through files, etc., and have no idea what I've done with it.  I must be losing my mind.  LOL

You'll be surprised what you are capable of doing around the house and most widows learn from whoever comes to help out.  Don't ever be afraid to ask anyone for help to make decisions.  You should never make major decisions in the first year.

May I suggest if you don't have a Financial Advisor you get one to help you with any investments you have and any financial decisions you may have to make in the future.

Hope this helps hon.



Comment by Theresa Wimann on March 27, 2014 at 3:44pm
I am so cranky today. I do not like making house decisions by myself. It sucks! I feel like I've been left to drown in a sea of confusion. What do I know about fences or costs associated with it. Furnace? I know it heats the house and the filter goes the direction of the arrow. I want to toss stuff but everything toss able is packed for the floor guys to come. It is cold and wet and rainy outside and I can feel it all the way into my soul. Lord give me peace.
Comment by Marsha H on March 27, 2014 at 1:35pm

Cheryl ... I know it's been such a difficult time and we know we'll get through those special occasions, but the memories flood our mind and heart along with tears. I was also proud to be Ernie's wife and he taught me many things about life just as Mike did.

This journey of grief seems so unrelenting at times and we should all be proud to get through even one hour a day, then days, weeks, months and eventually years.  I still celebrate those special occasions with Ernie in hopes he knows about it and then I have to let it go and move ahead one baby step at a time.

None of us ever thought we'd be in this position and I also know even in a crowded room one feels alone.  Sometimes I feel when Ernie passed away he took part of my soul with him.  There are some good days in my life, but also grief can blind-side me and I try to handle it the best I can.  I only wish we knew how long this painful grief goes on for and we can have some peace and joy in our lives.  I guess we just have to believe in miracles and faith if we have one.

I found after the first year the fog-like state I was in did lift and the 2nd year I was back into reality and slowly began to get some sort of routine going.  It will be 3 years this April 27th when Ernie passed and I have less bad days, but can still get anxious or feel very alone at times and grow soul weary, but for some reason something keeps us going.

I hope you are having a better day of it Cheryl.



Comment by Marsha H on March 27, 2014 at 1:25pm

Dear Greg ...  Thank you so much for your post.  Unfortunately, I didn't lose 40 lbs., by choice and it was pure stress while my husband was in hospital dying and then after he passed I just seemed to go down-hill from there.  I know grieving does upsets brain chemistry and hormones in the body and often a person grieving can put on more weight, lose it and sometimes feel ill themselves because they've been so pumped with adrenaline getting done what has to be done for their spouse.  It eventually catches up to you.

I don't walk 3 miles, but do walk my dogs weather permitting for the same reason you do.  It also gets the endorphins moving and makes us feel a little better.  You'd love walking around here as we have so many beautiful nature trails near rivers.  Also like you I cried and I can still cry because the one dyke by Allowette River is particularly sentimental because my husband Ernie and I along with friends use to go water-skiing there and we had such fun.  Now I look out at the river and so much of my life has changed.  How I wish I'd known how important youth was at the time, but no one does get it do they.

I am so sorry your friends are doing the same thing to you that they are doing to me, but it's not uncommon at all and the grief counselor warned us about that.  I give no excuses for any of these so-called friends as Ernie and I were always there for them when they had major problems or losses in their families.  It's so sad and another shock so shortly after losing our spouses.

I guess we have the opportunity to make new friends Greg, but that's easier said than done.  I'm retired, small immediate family and no children.  I've been trying to make new friends, but most are couples and busy or have grandkids and busy or they work.  I am still looking to see where I fit in.

Thanks so much for sharing Greg and I do appreciate it.  I hope you are having a much better day.

You take care too (big hug because you deserve it!)


Comment by Theresa Wimann on March 26, 2014 at 9:14pm
Greg, call your friends. Invite them to walk with you. People don't know what to do with you. I am lucky that my friends understand. If yours don't, then you will find new friends. I'd bet though that although some relationships may change or end because you aren't a couple, some people will be there in a new way for you. Hugs to you!
Comment by Theresa Wimann on March 26, 2014 at 9:09pm
Cheryl, thank you for your inspiring words.
Comment by cheryl holbrook on March 26, 2014 at 8:56pm

Well today is my 1st year anniversary of loosing Mike.

I spent the night reliving Mikes last night with us, and I am so glad I was encouraged to climb into bed next to my love for the last time. I just held him, soaked up all of him that i could.I even had fallen asleep for a spell. When I was awoken,I still was able to hold on to him as he passed. Bitter/Sweet is as true as the meaning. My heart will mend but with lots of scaring, my thoughts will change but with him safely tucked away, (ready to bring out or up at any time). The tears will still flow but in a different way, We all can relate to losing something that has deeply affected us be it a happy memory or a sad. Sometimes the memories of the sad or bad tend to stick with us that we just cannot seem to forget. But I do know where Mike is and he did fight that fight, and he finished, into the arms of Jesus he was greeted.

It is still a nighmare of not having my much better half with me to share in all the things we could have. I would have never in a lifetime imagined id be in this spot in my life. I can be in a crowed room and still feel all alone. I do so miss him, he was a wonderful,handsome, caring,loving, man, that i was honored to be his wife. 

Its been a really rough day, and I would never have though a yr ago id make it this far. 

Thanks for your posts and sry i have not been posting to others, I just dont really know what to say except, even though at times it feels like we (I) may not be able to take it, there are times now where I think the fog is lifting and shock is passing. 

I think of you all continuously especially when im having a bad day because I know im not alone in this journey. ((All))

One day at at time .. Cheryl 

Comment by Greg Janik on March 26, 2014 at 8:03pm
Marsha, I've lost 90 pounds in the last year. Part of it was by choice, and I know I don't eat right either,just don't feel like cooking.I started walking three miles every night thought that would help clear my head, just couldn't stop thinking about everything that has happened. When winter came I bought a treadmill so I could continue walking, numerous times I've cried the entire three miles, I even tried cranking the stereo up quite loud to drown out my thoughts, doesn't work. I can't stop the thoughts, just keep going through my head over and over again.I can really relate when you talked about being deserted, by your friends who are couples. A lot of our friends are couples, after my wife passed I would hear we'll get together and do this and that. We'll call and have you over for dinner, never hear from them, nobody wants a third wheel. God Bless and Take Care... Greg

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