Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018. 5 Replies

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Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 27, 2014 at 6:15pm
Deb, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in January and I can't believe how rapidly time has passed. I still miss him every day but life is still moving forward. I put more books on the book shelves today. Some of the 17 boxes we had to move during Bruce's last few months for a hospital bed. A neighbor carried them up. I'm keeping some and donating the rest for a booksale. I'll be glad when I'm done. I keep finding markers in among the pages and think life interrupted. God I hate cancer. But, I'm doing okay. I still have rough days. I certainly haven't figured out how to budget on one salary but I will. I have to keep moving forward. Grieve, but don't get lost in it. If we cease to live, then the person we are grieving won't live either. They only live through our stories and memories and in our hearts and souls. Keep love alive.
Comment by Marsha H on June 25, 2014 at 4:09pm

Deb ... I am so sorry about the way your beloved husband passed away and can't even begin to imagine the shock it was for you.  Life just doesn't seem fair and as hard as we try we can't make sense of it most of the time. 

My husband Ernie also quit smoking and I was proud of him, but then about 2 years after that he became sick (he was never sick and this 6' 6" hero of mine was always going to be with me) but, he became very ill before being diagnosed with Celiac Disease (wheat gluten disorder) and we got him through that at his weight went from 156 lbs. to 225 in a matter of 2 months and we thought that was the end of it.  Then his throat became swollen and when he saw the doctor it was deemed as Strep Throat, but thankfully I took a look myself and could see his airways closing off so rushed him to ER.  It seemed to take forever to get a diagnosis, but when they did find a cyst the size of a walnut under his tongue is shocked us.  The surgery wasn't a pleasant one and I felt so badly for him.  Then a reprieve for a few short months and we both felt anything that happened we could beat it together, but we weren't prepared for his having pancreatic cancer and the journey throughout that was hell for him and also myself.  Even though it's difficult to sit by and have no control over the death of your spouse I do know sudden death is much more difficult.  I pray things go better for you and time is a factor of healing through our grief.  I have come to the conclusion that life isn't fair and many things don't make sense. 

Stay strong my friend.

Comment by Marsha H on June 25, 2014 at 4:00pm

Steve ... I agree with you and there is always something that can set us off without warning.

Last night something just dawned on me out of the blue that at the time of the loss of our spouse it's like a bright oil painting where all the memories are there and every emotion heightened and as time goes by that same picture turns to pastel colors of beauty because time is a factor in healing through grief and that pastel painting to me means that the brightness of the oil painting so fresh and so 'there' has now faded a little to the more gentle colors of pastels and for some of us the pastel painting is peaceful reminding us of our spouses without the horrendous pain we once endured and that as some fear we will never forget our beloved spouses.  I just don't know where that thought came from and it may seemed jumbled, but so clear to me.  Yes, something can trigger me off as well and I come home and have a good cry, but then we forge ahead because there is no looking back other than good memories.

Comment by Steve Cain on June 25, 2014 at 8:58am
Time is not a factor on our reactions, I speak from experience. On June 1 one song at church brought it all in. I teared up, as I am now recalling it, but since I was working the services I had to keep some kind of control. When I got home, it was all over. I bawled for a good 10 minutes. As long as you understand this and don't try to shut it down you will do OK.
Comment by Terry Kent on June 25, 2014 at 8:56am

Hi Deb:  I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  I too, lost my husband recently--in January to a sudden and tragic accident.  He was asphyxiated when he was buried in a mountain of rock salt in a machine when it collapsed on him at work.  My 22 year old son was there trying to dig him out and went into shock, and unfortunately none of the equipment could get to him fast enough.  I still cry every time I try to tell someone what happened.  It's awful, and I feel your pain.  I am 52, and we had been together for 30 years.  We were the couple that everyone knew would grow old together and I was so lucky to have that soul mate by my side. The loss is indescribable, as you know, and I am so lost without him.  We worked together too, so we were always talking.  It s like the world went silent--even though there are other people to talk to nothing is the same.  Somehow I wake up every day and go through the motions of what needs to be done, but I find myself very unproductive and unmotivated.  I'm not getting my work done and I spend most of my day thinking about my Gus.  Reading these posts and hearing that there are so many other people who are feeling like I do and can relate to the level of grief has been a comfort to me.  I've even been fortunate enough to meet one person for an afternoon since we are within 2 hours of each other and we were able to talk so much more.  Please keep posting and sharing your feelings--I've found it helpful and I too am trying to deal with the tragedy of sudden death to a healthy person.  It was that phone call you never want to get, and the phone still haunts me.  Take care of yourself, and keep reaching out.  Terry

Comment by janeo on June 25, 2014 at 8:42am
Sorry for your loss. keep posting what your feeling good or bad everyone will listen and understand. Under our circumstances and grief we need friends and on here you will find them. Their all loving and such a great help.
Comment by Marsha H on June 25, 2014 at 5:20am

Dear Elvira ...  We all know the horrendous pain and grief you are going through, but, even though you feel you can't make it another hour or a day you will always surprise yourself at how strong you are.  It has only been 4 months since your sweetheart passed away and for several months to even a year or so we can be in a fog-like state (brains way of coping with the trauma and stress.)  Eventually we realize the reality of it all and that our lives are changed forever and then it's another stage of grief we go through and it's like walking along a cliff blind-folded not knowing where the terrible journey of grief with take us.  Let me tell you that after 3 years of the passing of my love Ernie, you do get stronger as time goes on, but, I still have my cries, miss him like crazy, get angry every so often because I miss him so much and can feel down right depressed (considering on talking to my doctor re antidepressants.)  I have gone to grief counseling and it helped to an extent, but I've come to realize that this new thing called 'grief of a spouse' is new to all of us and of course came as a blow because it wasn't expected so it's Post Traumatic Stress.  Yes, the right antidepressant will help take the edge off your anxiety and at least let you concentrate better to improve your new way of life and for all of us we just want to go into the future as peacefully as we can and that doesn't mean ever forgetting our spouses.  Life goes on and as one person said on here ... there is no where to go, but forward.  You will be OK Elvira and I know I go through the odd bout of 'I'm going crazy and I'm going to lose it', but I don't and neither will you.  Lean on us!

May I suggest along with your medication please see a psychologist that deals in grief counseling.  You may not think it will help, but it does.  Psychiatrists study 3/4 of their term studying medications and Psychologist study human reactions and do not prescribe medication, but they can still contact your family physician and suggest you may need another type of antidepressant or another type of medication.

You are going to make it Elvira and be kind to yourself. If you need to sleep then do so and if you don't feel like doing something then don't.  If you can go for walks with a friend as this does help the brain chemistry and also makes you feel more relaxed.  I walk 2 miles every day with my girlfriend and my 2 dogs and I feel so much better.

My prayers come your way dear one.



Comment by Deb on June 25, 2014 at 12:48am

Yes, it's tragic--He was healthy, had quit smoking and had had his knee replaced just over a year before and was in such a good mood as he was pain free. It's hurts to even write it but he chocked to death on bacon...It rips my heart out that something like that could happen to him! We'd been together 33 years and I'm finding it so hard to live without my rock as he was always there for me. Sudden death is so overwhelming and I can only hope he didn't suffer terribly.   I am so sorry your Don seemed to be safe after going through so many surgeries only to die so unexpectedly. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow.

I'm planning to go to our lake cottage tomorrow for the first time since he passed--He'd been going there since he was 8 yrs. old  so will feel his vibes strongly. Comforting and painful at the same time--no internet so, but peaceful.  

Take care...Deb xxxx

Comment by Janice F. on June 25, 2014 at 12:10am

Hi Deb, I am so sorry, accidents are such tragedies,  I feel for you. Don had heart problems, but was doing well, all the doctors said, after several surgeries, so it was unexpected,  he just didnt wake up.  We were married 40 years and he was truly the other half of me. My family will be understanding, but nobody really understands but those of us who are going through it. This is a good place to come to, because everyone knows what you are going through.  So welcome to the group that nobody wants to be in. God Bless.

Comment by Deb on June 24, 2014 at 11:35pm

Hi Janice, I am sorry for your loss! This is my first post on here... I lost my Dean just over 5 months ago to a freek seems the longer it is it goes it gets harder and I feel more alone by the day. I feel your pain. It's like no one else can fill the hole in our lives. We lived outside the US and had become very dependent on each other and I have a small family and for the most part they don't understand what grief feels like. I hope your family will help you through tomorrow and that you will find peace. Big hugs. Deb


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