Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Terry Kent on June 25, 2014 at 8:56am

Hi Deb:  I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  I too, lost my husband recently--in January to a sudden and tragic accident.  He was asphyxiated when he was buried in a mountain of rock salt in a machine when it collapsed on him at work.  My 22 year old son was there trying to dig him out and went into shock, and unfortunately none of the equipment could get to him fast enough.  I still cry every time I try to tell someone what happened.  It's awful, and I feel your pain.  I am 52, and we had been together for 30 years.  We were the couple that everyone knew would grow old together and I was so lucky to have that soul mate by my side. The loss is indescribable, as you know, and I am so lost without him.  We worked together too, so we were always talking.  It s like the world went silent--even though there are other people to talk to nothing is the same.  Somehow I wake up every day and go through the motions of what needs to be done, but I find myself very unproductive and unmotivated.  I'm not getting my work done and I spend most of my day thinking about my Gus.  Reading these posts and hearing that there are so many other people who are feeling like I do and can relate to the level of grief has been a comfort to me.  I've even been fortunate enough to meet one person for an afternoon since we are within 2 hours of each other and we were able to talk so much more.  Please keep posting and sharing your feelings--I've found it helpful and I too am trying to deal with the tragedy of sudden death to a healthy person.  It was that phone call you never want to get, and the phone still haunts me.  Take care of yourself, and keep reaching out.  Terry

Comment by janeo on June 25, 2014 at 8:42am
Sorry for your loss. keep posting what your feeling good or bad everyone will listen and understand. Under our circumstances and grief we need friends and on here you will find them. Their all loving and such a great help.
Comment by Marsha H on June 25, 2014 at 5:20am

Dear Elvira ...  We all know the horrendous pain and grief you are going through, but, even though you feel you can't make it another hour or a day you will always surprise yourself at how strong you are.  It has only been 4 months since your sweetheart passed away and for several months to even a year or so we can be in a fog-like state (brains way of coping with the trauma and stress.)  Eventually we realize the reality of it all and that our lives are changed forever and then it's another stage of grief we go through and it's like walking along a cliff blind-folded not knowing where the terrible journey of grief with take us.  Let me tell you that after 3 years of the passing of my love Ernie, you do get stronger as time goes on, but, I still have my cries, miss him like crazy, get angry every so often because I miss him so much and can feel down right depressed (considering on talking to my doctor re antidepressants.)  I have gone to grief counseling and it helped to an extent, but I've come to realize that this new thing called 'grief of a spouse' is new to all of us and of course came as a blow because it wasn't expected so it's Post Traumatic Stress.  Yes, the right antidepressant will help take the edge off your anxiety and at least let you concentrate better to improve your new way of life and for all of us we just want to go into the future as peacefully as we can and that doesn't mean ever forgetting our spouses.  Life goes on and as one person said on here ... there is no where to go, but forward.  You will be OK Elvira and I know I go through the odd bout of 'I'm going crazy and I'm going to lose it', but I don't and neither will you.  Lean on us!

May I suggest along with your medication please see a psychologist that deals in grief counseling.  You may not think it will help, but it does.  Psychiatrists study 3/4 of their term studying medications and Psychologist study human reactions and do not prescribe medication, but they can still contact your family physician and suggest you may need another type of antidepressant or another type of medication.

You are going to make it Elvira and be kind to yourself. If you need to sleep then do so and if you don't feel like doing something then don't.  If you can go for walks with a friend as this does help the brain chemistry and also makes you feel more relaxed.  I walk 2 miles every day with my girlfriend and my 2 dogs and I feel so much better.

My prayers come your way dear one.



Comment by Deb on June 25, 2014 at 12:48am

Yes, it's tragic--He was healthy, had quit smoking and had had his knee replaced just over a year before and was in such a good mood as he was pain free. It's hurts to even write it but he chocked to death on bacon...It rips my heart out that something like that could happen to him! We'd been together 33 years and I'm finding it so hard to live without my rock as he was always there for me. Sudden death is so overwhelming and I can only hope he didn't suffer terribly.   I am so sorry your Don seemed to be safe after going through so many surgeries only to die so unexpectedly. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow.

I'm planning to go to our lake cottage tomorrow for the first time since he passed--He'd been going there since he was 8 yrs. old  so will feel his vibes strongly. Comforting and painful at the same time--no internet so, but peaceful.  

Take care...Deb xxxx

Comment by Janice F. on June 25, 2014 at 12:10am

Hi Deb, I am so sorry, accidents are such tragedies,  I feel for you. Don had heart problems, but was doing well, all the doctors said, after several surgeries, so it was unexpected,  he just didnt wake up.  We were married 40 years and he was truly the other half of me. My family will be understanding, but nobody really understands but those of us who are going through it. This is a good place to come to, because everyone knows what you are going through.  So welcome to the group that nobody wants to be in. God Bless.

Comment by Deb on June 24, 2014 at 11:35pm

Hi Janice, I am sorry for your loss! This is my first post on here... I lost my Dean just over 5 months ago to a freek seems the longer it is it goes it gets harder and I feel more alone by the day. I feel your pain. It's like no one else can fill the hole in our lives. We lived outside the US and had become very dependent on each other and I have a small family and for the most part they don't understand what grief feels like. I hope your family will help you through tomorrow and that you will find peace. Big hugs. Deb

Comment by Janice F. on June 24, 2014 at 10:59pm

Tomorrow morning will be 2 years since the morning Don didnt wake up, and I have never felt so alone in my life. I just dont know whst to do with myself.

Its been at least 6 months since I've posted on here, I have been busy with my large family and 2 great-grandbabies, and thought I have been doing ok, but I woke up this morning feeling like I had been punched in the stomach and its been horrible all day. I thought I'd come back here and tell the only people who really truly understand.

I see new people here, so welcome and please know I feel your pain.

Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 24, 2014 at 4:18pm
Elvira, the medicine should be working by now. Go back to the doctor and insist they work with you. If they will not, go to a psychiatrist. They can prescribe medication and may be better versed in what you need to make you feel capable of going on. You probably need to see a psychologist too. I did that and it helped tremendously. I just went and chatted about anything that came into my head. I brought the scrapbook i had made to celebrate Bruce's life and frustrations i had with people thinking i should be "over it". I will never be over it. I would lose a huge portion of my life. I just have to find a different way to fit him into my new life. New life. It is. I can't go back. I can only move forward so I have to rearrange the furniture in my head to keep him in the room but make it work for me. I still go on occasion. Remember that although we cannot see them or touch them, those that we love, those that have passed are always with us. They live in our heart and soul. You must keep it a welcoming and loving place. What are you wearing to the wedding? Go buy a pair of fabulous shoes and a dress that would have made your husband say hot-cha!! The other thing that might help is to volunteer to do something. That takes me out of myself. Although it isn't a lot, I helped with the historic house tour last weekend. It was good for me to do and it required me to think of others.
Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 24, 2014 at 3:59pm
The days of summer just seem to fly by and when I stop for a moment, grief rears it's ugly head. I stop and hear Bruce's voice, his laugh, remember how tan his skin got in the summer--surfer boy honey brown, remember the heat of his hands and how good it felt when he rubbed my shoulders. Then I picture him at the end and the pain...I can't bear the image. I want to forget that and remember the good. The library is almost finished and he would have loved it. Interns and volunteers and programs and planning for programs keeps me busy so there is no time to grieve. I know it is healthy to grieve but right now I'm so busy living that I go until I drop. This incidentally is not abnormal. My job is not a 9-5 commitment. It is a way of life that consumes me from morning to night. And when that doesn't, there is visiting mom in Janesville, there ares the dogs, the house, the yard, the garbages, the bills, and so it goes. I drop into bath and bed and make a mental list of what still needs to be done. The door knob came out of the handle on the back door. The dog tore the carpet out from under the door jam in the bedroom. The library still needs to be finished and the carpenter has his own timetable. When do I grieve? There is too darn much to do!
Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on June 24, 2014 at 1:18pm

Hi Frank  Nice to see you post.   I have not been posting at all recently as I cannot face telling the story of my husbands will be 4 years on the 4th aUGUST AND I seem to  be going backward.   The pain never lets up for a minute unless I am asleep.. and he is centre front of my mind at all other times.   I sometimes feel I will go mad with grief and the though I might have years to suffer this until, we meet again (if we do, sometimes I doubt that also).   i hope the new members on legacy find it sas much a help as I did though if you saw me now you would doubt that but I seriously think I would have ended in the rifer at the end of my garden without it at the beginning.   Sorry you seem to be much in the same state as me still Frank.   I have around 5 friends left now only two of which I feel I can still cry with.   All the other offers have disappeared like smoke.   I wish everyone the best.



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