Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Deb on June 25, 2014 at 12:48am

Yes, it's tragic--He was healthy, had quit smoking and had had his knee replaced just over a year before and was in such a good mood as he was pain free. It's hurts to even write it but he chocked to death on bacon...It rips my heart out that something like that could happen to him! We'd been together 33 years and I'm finding it so hard to live without my rock as he was always there for me. Sudden death is so overwhelming and I can only hope he didn't suffer terribly.   I am so sorry your Don seemed to be safe after going through so many surgeries only to die so unexpectedly. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow.

I'm planning to go to our lake cottage tomorrow for the first time since he passed--He'd been going there since he was 8 yrs. old  so will feel his vibes strongly. Comforting and painful at the same time--no internet so, but peaceful.  

Take care...Deb xxxx

Comment by Janice F. on June 25, 2014 at 12:10am

Hi Deb, I am so sorry, accidents are such tragedies,  I feel for you. Don had heart problems, but was doing well, all the doctors said, after several surgeries, so it was unexpected,  he just didnt wake up.  We were married 40 years and he was truly the other half of me. My family will be understanding, but nobody really understands but those of us who are going through it. This is a good place to come to, because everyone knows what you are going through.  So welcome to the group that nobody wants to be in. God Bless.

Comment by Deb on June 24, 2014 at 11:35pm

Hi Janice, I am sorry for your loss! This is my first post on here... I lost my Dean just over 5 months ago to a freek seems the longer it is it goes it gets harder and I feel more alone by the day. I feel your pain. It's like no one else can fill the hole in our lives. We lived outside the US and had become very dependent on each other and I have a small family and for the most part they don't understand what grief feels like. I hope your family will help you through tomorrow and that you will find peace. Big hugs. Deb

Comment by Janice F. on June 24, 2014 at 10:59pm

Tomorrow morning will be 2 years since the morning Don didnt wake up, and I have never felt so alone in my life. I just dont know whst to do with myself.

Its been at least 6 months since I've posted on here, I have been busy with my large family and 2 great-grandbabies, and thought I have been doing ok, but I woke up this morning feeling like I had been punched in the stomach and its been horrible all day. I thought I'd come back here and tell the only people who really truly understand.

I see new people here, so welcome and please know I feel your pain.

Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 24, 2014 at 4:18pm
Elvira, the medicine should be working by now. Go back to the doctor and insist they work with you. If they will not, go to a psychiatrist. They can prescribe medication and may be better versed in what you need to make you feel capable of going on. You probably need to see a psychologist too. I did that and it helped tremendously. I just went and chatted about anything that came into my head. I brought the scrapbook i had made to celebrate Bruce's life and frustrations i had with people thinking i should be "over it". I will never be over it. I would lose a huge portion of my life. I just have to find a different way to fit him into my new life. New life. It is. I can't go back. I can only move forward so I have to rearrange the furniture in my head to keep him in the room but make it work for me. I still go on occasion. Remember that although we cannot see them or touch them, those that we love, those that have passed are always with us. They live in our heart and soul. You must keep it a welcoming and loving place. What are you wearing to the wedding? Go buy a pair of fabulous shoes and a dress that would have made your husband say hot-cha!! The other thing that might help is to volunteer to do something. That takes me out of myself. Although it isn't a lot, I helped with the historic house tour last weekend. It was good for me to do and it required me to think of others.
Comment by Theresa Wimann on June 24, 2014 at 3:59pm
The days of summer just seem to fly by and when I stop for a moment, grief rears it's ugly head. I stop and hear Bruce's voice, his laugh, remember how tan his skin got in the summer--surfer boy honey brown, remember the heat of his hands and how good it felt when he rubbed my shoulders. Then I picture him at the end and the pain...I can't bear the image. I want to forget that and remember the good. The library is almost finished and he would have loved it. Interns and volunteers and programs and planning for programs keeps me busy so there is no time to grieve. I know it is healthy to grieve but right now I'm so busy living that I go until I drop. This incidentally is not abnormal. My job is not a 9-5 commitment. It is a way of life that consumes me from morning to night. And when that doesn't, there is visiting mom in Janesville, there ares the dogs, the house, the yard, the garbages, the bills, and so it goes. I drop into bath and bed and make a mental list of what still needs to be done. The door knob came out of the handle on the back door. The dog tore the carpet out from under the door jam in the bedroom. The library still needs to be finished and the carpenter has his own timetable. When do I grieve? There is too darn much to do!
Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on June 24, 2014 at 1:18pm

Hi Frank  Nice to see you post.   I have not been posting at all recently as I cannot face telling the story of my husbands will be 4 years on the 4th aUGUST AND I seem to  be going backward.   The pain never lets up for a minute unless I am asleep.. and he is centre front of my mind at all other times.   I sometimes feel I will go mad with grief and the though I might have years to suffer this until, we meet again (if we do, sometimes I doubt that also).   i hope the new members on legacy find it sas much a help as I did though if you saw me now you would doubt that but I seriously think I would have ended in the rifer at the end of my garden without it at the beginning.   Sorry you seem to be much in the same state as me still Frank.   I have around 5 friends left now only two of which I feel I can still cry with.   All the other offers have disappeared like smoke.   I wish everyone the best.


Comment by janeo on June 23, 2014 at 10:27pm
I find life changes are s lwsys happening no matter what we do. There is one that will never change my Richie will never come back .The rest I learn something new everyday. I'm so glad you have Abby in your life. That must be a great joy and a blessing. Congratulation s on your retirement. I wish I could cause I just don't have the energy. Always so tired.
Comment by Elvira Castellanos on June 23, 2014 at 9:56pm

Thanks Steve, my sister happens to work in a hospital in the area & one of her co-workers works for hospice but they only offer joining a group which totally interferes with my work schedule because it is during the afternoon hours, so I tried to look for bereavement groups in my area only to be disappointed again because they are very far or in areas that are not safe to go to during evening hours, so needless to say, this site has been my life saver, can't thank you enough for starting it, have met so many caring people that are going thru the same thing & completely understand my feelings & if I need to vent all the time or once in awhile, thanks for your response, will continue to look for groups that may start in my area.


Comment by Terry Kent on June 23, 2014 at 2:01pm

Hi Elvira.  I feel your pain.  Gus has now been gone 5 months and I feel just as lost today as I did when it happened.  I too am having terrible problems with focus and concentration, to the point where I just can't seem to get any work done and it's really affecting my business and productivity.  I keep trying to motivate myself but it's just not there.  We did celebrate my daughter's 16th birthday this weekend with family and her friends and that was a nice distraction.  Of course I can't stop thinking that her daddy wasn't here to be part of it, but it was important to make it a good day for her and we managed to do that and put the tears aside for the day.   Please try to look forward to your son's wedding coming up and know that as heartbroken as you are to be part of it without your husband that somehow as moms we need to muster up the strength to celebrate for our kids and make the day special for them.  I let myself laugh last night at the restaurant and probably enjoyed myself with family for the first time in a long time without tears.  Of course the tears came back today, but we showed my daughter a happy birthday last night with the help of my husband's brother and his family and it was okay.   I hope you can try to do that too for the wedding.  Take care.


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