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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on February 20, 2015 at 3:46am

Elizabeth C ...  it's very common to have feelings that we could have done more for our spouse; wonder if we made the right decisions or did we make mistakes, but we did the best we could with the knowledge we had and the rest was up to either God or the doctors looking after our spouses.  It is difficult to understand there comes a time when we have no control and have to trust in faith or doctors.  The 'should haves' and 'could I have done more' is part of the grieving process for some, but it doesn't last long and eventually we realize we did everything humanly possible.  You did nothing wrong and you are not being punished for mistakes because there were none.  We need to put things into perspective and realize that's why there are professionals to help us because we can't possibly know everything.

Even though grief is heart-breaking it makes us reach out to others and miracles happen such as you meeting that lady with all her problems.  It makes us reach out and realize others suffer as well whether it's through an illness or death of a loved one.  Grief is necessary and although in fresh grief it's difficult to believe, but we do learn some good lessons from the grief we go through such as empathy, listening more intensely to what others say, help those that are hurting and humbling us.  We are always gaining knowledge.  Faith is a big one for some of us and we draw strength from our belief system.

Thank you for thinking of us and we certainly think of you.  I find Legacy my extended family and a place to go where people really understand how I feel. I couldn't have made it this far without the support of members on Legacy.

God bless

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 20, 2015 at 3:35am

Elizabeth C ...what I do to edit is left click on my mouse and drag from bottom to top to highlight then right click on the mouse and 'cut.' Then go to the 'x' on you post which will delete your post.  Then left click where you want to leave your message again and right click on 'paste.'  This way you can read your errors, correct them and then repost.  Hope this helps.  If you have problems let me know.

Comment by Rolland Wood on February 20, 2015 at 2:12am
Elizabeth C. Self recrimination is very common, don't accept it, you're the victim of fate, as was your husband, know that you did all that you could with terrible circumstances.Rolland
Comment by Elizabeth C on February 20, 2015 at 1:47am
Associate is supposed to be also, and knocked is supposed to be knicked. Sorry anyone know how to edit once you've posted? I will read through before I post from now on.
Comment by Elizabeth C on February 20, 2015 at 1:37am
Yes thank you Marsha, Rolland and Cheryl, this is just strange it's like ok I can do this and I'm ok, then it's like this sucks how can I get out of it, ok I have a three year old must take care of her. It's a minute to minute thing. I find myself enjoying something and then I remmember what happened then I feel bad and guilty over decisions I helped make in the hospital and he trusted me. Maybe the other decision would've been better, maybe he could've been here longer. That is hard to live with. I just have to trust God and ask forgiveness for the things I don't know. My faith is my biggest comfort, my daughter, knowing I will associate die someday, family, friends and support like you guys. Thank you for your responses, I will keep you posted and I think of you guys during the day especially as I drive from here to there I think that maybe Rolland is driving around too, he is out here in the world maybe feeling the same as I do and so many others, maybe the person next to me, you never know. I just met a 48 year old woman who had a minor surgery, the doctor knocked her spine and she went into a coma for 9 days, she is a single mom of three boys, she just got out of the hospital, we are now friends. She said I'm glad we shared you just don't know your neighbor might be hurting. I've been reaching out to total strangers a lot more. I can at least encourage them and they do the same for me. Life is short, we must be thankful for the moments and days we have, none of us know when we will go and join our loved ones. It is pretty much the worst thing we can go through but take hope in God and be grateful for what we still have. I am thinking of you too, and will pray God gives you hope and peace.
Comment by cheryl holbrook on February 19, 2015 at 12:58pm
greeting to all. I have not posted in some time but I do still read some of your messages. I just feel, for me, it's so hard to see new ones going through such a devastating time of their life and not being able to help. I do know that when I first lost my Mike coming up on 2 yrs, I was so relieved to find this site and the support. Knowing we are not alone in our thoughts of loosing our better half.
Everyone is different in their grief, some can move on fast and others never move on. I have days I think I'll go crazy, and days I think maybe I can do this. Not like we have much of a choice.
It's tough when things don't go well and you miss having that one who seems to make things all better if only just being there.
I've not have the greatest nor easiest time since I lost my love. But as I say one day at a time.
Hugs to all of you, and you can do this. Keep coming here till you feel your gaining strength. There are some wonderful woman/men here that truly understand.
Comment by Rolland Wood on February 18, 2015 at 11:45pm
Elizabeth C. You're still in the systemic shock phase, sometimes you'll feel like you're strapped into a roller coaster, and you can't get off because it's moving too fast. A vacation might be a good distraction for you, it'll give you time to take inventory of yourself,and you won't have the constant reminders around you. After Janice died, I went on small excursions, and it seemed to allow me to center myself. Wishing you peace. Rolland
Comment by Marsha H on February 18, 2015 at 2:26pm

Hi Elizabeth ...  I am so sorry about the recent loss of your husband.  You are in raw grief where you are trying to cope the best you can.  Even though you know your husband has passed away and without you realizing it denial is there and you may feel you are coping. In the first year of grief professionals say one should never make major decisions.  Often the surviving spouse feels they should go on a trip and in some cases this may be fine for some, but not for others.  If you feel you really want to go away with your 3 year old daughter then either have a family member go along or a friend and if this isn't possible then take a trip to see family if they live out of town, but it's highly advisable you don't go alone because you are in shock.  You are surviving because of your daughter, but yet haven't gone through the proper process of dealing with grief.  Most have dealt with grief before; loss of parents, perhaps a sibling, but there is no grief as deep as losing a spouse.  This is a time when it's very important you and your little 3 year old are surrounded by family and friends and not traveling the country alone.  The process of grief and all it's balled up emotions can side-swipe you so easily. 

A 3 year old child has the capacity of 'missing' the parent who has passed away although they can't comprehend death as an adult does.  Your daughter will miss her daddy and she may even comprehend you may be the next 'to go away.'  It's very important than even though we know death can come at any age that you hug your daughter and let her know you will be there for her.  She may end up 'acting out', perhaps tantrums, tummy aches, dreams so it's important she knows she can sleep with you for awhile.

Here is a link to help you cope with dealing with your little one and death:

  https://www.hospicenet.org/html/parent.html

May I suggest you sit with her cuddled up and tell her (don't know what religion you are) that God needed daddy and that the angels came to get him.  That daddy is happy and safe and watching over both of you.  At your daughter's age it isn't sugar coating death, but reaching into the mind of a 3 year old to alleviate any fears she has.

I hope hon, this has helped you and if you need us we are all here for you.

Big hugs to both of you

Marsha

Comment by Elizabeth C on February 18, 2015 at 7:08am
Thank you all for sharing it does help to know I am not alone in my grief... Or in my case weird emptyness.
Comment by Elizabeth C on February 18, 2015 at 6:48am
I just wrote a long post and then accidentally deleted it...modern technology. I'm going to bite the bullet and try to recall it. It went something like this. Before I read the latest posts I want to write down what I am going through. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on jan 2, 2015. Part of me is still in some kind of denial. I am doing well under the circumstances so far but also feel at the end of the day I am ready to get off this exhausting ride and get back to where I was before only to realize that this ride is permanent and there is no getting back to the ride before. I think I am doing well under the circumstances, at least the part of me that gets is. I think I have dealt with so much grief in my life that I am getting used to living with the short end of the stick if you will. I have a three year old who keeps me so busy, there is no time for me as I write at 4 am. I am thinking of taking her on a spontaneous road trip, something we were planning on doing this summer but am not sure how I will feel once I am on it. The trip is a distraction from my situation and I am just not sure if it will be a good thing or if I will just feel lost and alone. At the prompting of my sister I did tell my three year old tonight about her dad. After she said I wish dad was here I said your dad is not coming back he died, his body stopped working and he is in heaven now. She gave a disappointed and sad reply and said I don't understand. I repeated myself and told her that we would not see dad again and he won't be coming home again that it's just her and me now. I said we will all die someday. Then she saw the cat and said the cat is going to die. Then she said I use to wrestle with dad and then she said maybe you can take me to heaven. I said heaven is not like going on a vacation you go to heaven alone when you are old which is a long time from now. Then we talked about being old. Then we talked about brushing your teeth and how you need to spit the toothpaste out into something and she said "like the lamp shade?" Well the long conversation was something like that. I will see what future questions come up, but she doesent get much of what this all means. I just don't want her going through life heartbroken.
 

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