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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on December 25, 2015 at 5:45am

Dear Nat ... 

It is so nice to see you post again and as usual a beautiful poem.  You are so talented and thank you for sharing.

Have a Merry Christmas Nat no matter how sad inside you feel and try to smile for your loved one.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 25, 2015 at 5:42am

Dear Chuck ...

What you are going through is very normal and fresh grief causing the tears to flow so much so we often don't want to accept invitations for fear we will cry and can't stop.  It's OK to cry as it releases the tension built up and also in time mends a broken heart.

Everyone is different as to how they handle their grief. My Ernie passed on April 27th, 2011 and 3 weeks after my nephews thought they would cheer me up by renting a limo and taking me to a comedy club.  I can't remember any of it frankly and felt like I'd been in dream-like state not knowing what was going on and didn't.  This is only the minds way of dealing with the heavy grief as our dreams also release our tension.

Your family or friends are just trying to make things easier for you and they have no idea what up and down emotions you are going through and, in time you will have the opportunity to express how you feel without falling apart.  Please don't blame yourself for not being able to attend to that invitation as it's normal.

I would like to remind you (you got side-tracked because of the shock of being invited out) that your way of celebrating Christmas was a quiet one with just you and Larry and I do believe he is there with you.  Stick to your plan and don't fear you will offend others.  In the New Year I will leave you a link that explains to family and friends what you are going through regarding the loss of your dear Larry.  I printed mine out or emailed it and it helped both family and friends to get enough of a glimpse into the way I was handling my emotions shortly after Ernie's passing and was fortunate they all tried.  They don't have to understand completely

Of course you are in a whirl this Christmas because Larry gone, but again I remind you, he is near by in spirit so toast him, put out those fancy cookies, cry a little, then manage a smile.  Remember each day we survive is a day closer to the one we love.

I wish you a Merry Christmas my friend and to Larry and you are in my heart and prayers.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by nate eustis on December 23, 2015 at 11:52am
Haven't been on for awhile but still following. December is 37 months for me. I offer my latest to all asitisnothow long, it just is. The loss at 1 day is the same loss @ whatever month we're in. For us...

Another Christmas season
Physically are we apart,
Still together by this major reason
You live nestled deep in my heart.

You, I know are everywhere
I feel you with me still,
Conjoined we're such a special pair
Our's and our Savior's Will.

We celebrate His earthly birth
Me from this worldly view,
And you from your heavenly perch
But we do it as one not as two.

Together we are
Never will untie our knot,
No matter how near or far
Always are you in my thought.
Comment by Steve G. on December 23, 2015 at 10:17am
Chuck,
You and everyone on this site wish we could somehow someway reach out and comfort each other by actually being there.
Know this I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts, may the Lord our God surround you with His love and give you peace and rest...Amen
Take care my friend
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 23, 2015 at 10:00am
Thank you, Marsha, and Jane P. - I suppose everyone here finds music brings back so many memories, as do scents, sounds, times of day - they are all part of the lives we had and now hold so precious and guarded in the most sacred places of our hearts.

Last night Larry's son Colin called to ask why I wasn't going to be with the family at his brother Kevin's home on Christmas Day. I was stirring a pot of pasta for dinner, and suddenly froze - I couldn't move, or speak, and had to turn off the stove and sit down before I fell down, all the while Colin saying " Are you there? Chuck? You OK?" I broke down, and somehow managed to tell him I was sorry, but I just can't do it - not this year, so please forgive me and try to understand. I know they're all hurting as I am, just in a different way.

This morning I opened my eyes and started crying and haven't had a dry moment since - why didn't I get more tissues while shopping? The radio is playing beautiful hymns and carols and I have every radio in the house turned high - it sounds and feels like I'm in a cathedral, and I suppose in a way I am.

It's going to be a rough one, my dear friends... and I know I wouldn't get through it without you, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you, and bless you, and may we all find peace wherever we can this Christmas.
Love and a warm embrace to each of you....

Chuck
Comment by Marsha H on December 23, 2015 at 5:07am

Chuck ...  once again you write the words of magic bringing memories back to many of us ...  music.

Like Janet was saying about her spouse loving all sorts of music and playing it too loud that's exactly what Ernie did and the pictures on the wall would go off kilter and my wine glasses would be clinking to and fro.  We'd argue about it, I'd put it down and the next thing I knew he cranked it up again.  He was a Beatles fan and I did like 'Jude', but one song he played they finished it off with 'number 9, number 9, etc.' which drove me batty and he'd just laugh.  We loved a lot of the 60's and 70's songs as well.  The Righteous Brothers, Mama's and the Papa's, etc.  I loved Janice Joplin (he couldn't stand her) so I'd bug him by singing 'all I want is a Mercedes Benz and he'd smirk and say, 'wishful thinking.'  Tina Turner was also one of my favorites and she always amazed me with her energetic performances.  I loved music from my early teens and pretty much stick to contemporary music and a little jazz (depending what it is.)  Also soul music and of course one of my favorites Annie Lennox.  Too many favorites to name.

Your Larry isn't a dream, he's right there and like the tease he was to you (laughed at Larry's 'snowball in hell') he got what he wanted from you by playing Mariah and you just didn't know it.

Thank you once again for sharing your wonderful memories Chuck and making me think of the music Ernie loved.  They say music is the language of the universe.  Enjoy!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Jane P. on December 22, 2015 at 4:31pm

Chuck, your story about music brought back some good/bad memories!  My husband loved music too, all kinds from classical to jazz to the most modern.  He studied base in New York City so for a while on Friday he would take that base into New Jersey hop a tube and into the city!  The funny part is he was not a tall person so the base was almost as tall as he was.  

He would work 12 hour days and had Fridays off and on some occasions he use to blast his music to an ear piercing explosion.  Not a nice scene in our house when that happened! Now I long for that loud music just one more time! 

When we first met I impressed him with my knowledge of big band music.  He later found out my dad loved the big band music and I was introduced to it at an early age. Actually I had no choice!

Like you Chuck, I find myself playing some of that music just waiting for him to crank it up a notch.  The conversation is one sided now and the music plays at a normal tone but every once in a while I will turn it up and say this is just for you! 

Comment by Marsha H on December 22, 2015 at 3:45pm

Dear Cheryl  ...  it's wonderful to hear from you and you are doing fairly well.  I know the grieving is not easy to deal with.  It can be cunning and when we think we have it altogether it can read it's head every so often, but grieving is part of healing so I think we get stronger as time goes by.

I am so sorry your father passed so soon after Mike and that's a double whammy for you, but I'm proud of you for hitting things head on and you are doing a wonderful job.

You are thought of as well and often we wonder how certain members are doing when they don't post that much and when a member such as yourself comes on it's a real treat to find out how everything is going.

Everyone on here is in my prayers always too.  You gave some very wise advice to the new members.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and wish for all that 2016 will be a much more peaceful time for all of us.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by cheryl holbrook on December 22, 2015 at 3:34pm

I have not posted in some time but think of this "second" family as a real blessing.

This is my 2nd Christmas without my Mike and I just lost my daddy the end of Aug. It has been a hard 2 and a half yrs but I think Im finally in a place where I know things will work out for the best.

I think of everyone here so very often and wonder how all are getting along. Yes, I do say a prayer here and there for everyone.

I want to let all the new ppl that have ventured here to this site, that my heart breaks with you as you learn to live a new life. One day at a time is the best thing I can advise. Come here where you can vent if that is all you need to do to get you through.

Merry Christmas ....... always, Cheryl

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 22, 2015 at 12:00pm
For Larry, A Christmas Elegy, From Your Chuck

It was just like a movie...it was just like a song...
So who amongst you bought Adele's "25" - c'mon, admit it - you know you did. I did, and Larry would have been there at Target the day it was released. With Christmas approaching, I imagine myself suggesting to him that he shouldn't be buying things for himself that Santa might bring, or may have pre-ordered on Amazon. I envision him looking at me, pausing a second, then letting loose with a big laugh - "Right -and have I ever told you about the snowball and hell? See you later hon - I'm off to Target!"

Larry loved so many things - books, movies, restaurants, sunsets, flowers, Christmas - but more than anything else, music. I think he loved music more than he loved me, and why not - music was a part of his life long before I was. How could I be jealous of anything that made him so incredibly happy?

Christmas music fell into its' own magical category with Larry. Oh sure, he loved the old traditional carols - Silent Night was his favorite - and the traditional pop songs he grew up with. Put on a Nat King Cole or Johnny Mathis Christmas CD and he was in heaven - we concurred on them, as well as many others : Amy Grant, Barry Manilow, The Carpenters, Manhattan Transfer - the list is long. We both especially love Ertha Kitt's "Santa Baby", although Larry, being a huge fan of Madonna, considered her rendition just as good. Larry didn't always care for some of my favorites, nor I for his, but out of mutual respect (and a fervent desire to avoid Holiday stress) we listened to them during the season with a minimum of grumbling. We adamantly agreed on one song - after all, just how many times must you hear "Feliz Navidad" in one day before you want to drive a holly branch into the heart of any DJ who thinks 50 times a day is appropriate!

We finally butted heads (and were nearly driven to violence) over Mariah Carey. I can't say why, but her CD just drove me BATTY, and I finally told Larry she was officially banned from the house while I was home - he could listen to it in his car until his ears bled for all I cared, BUT NOT HERE!!! He gave me the most evil Grinch smile I'd ever seen on his face, and quietly said "Oh really? Did I ever tell you the story about the snowball and hell? Didn't end well, that one, so JUST WATCH IT, because you're on thin ice Kid." Well I quickly backed down - besides, he did, I had to admit, endure countless hours of the Vienna Boy's Choir jus to humor me.

So, my Love - my sweet Larry - I've been playing Mariah for you, and I cry every time she sings "All I want for Christmas is you." Because that's the one Christmas gift nobody - not even Santa (and he's Magic) - can give me, and it's all I want. Larry, from me to you, with all the love in my heart, in the beautiful words of Karen Carpenter, "Merry Christmas Darling - we're apart, that's true - but I can dream, and in my dreams, I'm Christmassing with you."
 

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