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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi yesterday. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 19, 2016 at 3:09pm

Dear Sheri,

I couldn't have said it better than Chicago Beard and Marsha - so I only add that I remember as if it was yesterday the feelings you are having. Some time ago I wrote a piece comparing the way we get through the days to walking a tightrope - I called it High Wire Act, and it may still be here somewhere if my past posts are still listed. I described the feeling of always having to concentrate on keeping my balance and ignore the distractions of comments and actions by people around me, who through no fault of their own would sometimes make things worse for me with their attempts to help.

The only place where I ever found real help, where  I soon recognized that my feelings were truly understood, was right here with this supportive family - my safety net as I referred to them in my post. All of you are still my safe place to bring my fears and feelings of loss and sadness, and I hope you Sheri feel that way too, because as you go through these struggles - and I do believe that as the shock of our loss abates it is replaced by unimaginable feelings of grief for which we are completely unprepared  - we will be here with you doing everything we can to offer our support and our understanding. 

I send my prayers your way, and wish you peace today and through all the rough days ahead that you face - days that,  with this family by your side,  you will never have face alone.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on October 19, 2016 at 2:21pm

Dear Sheri ...  I caught your post to Chicago Beard and I just wish I had a magic wand to stop the intense pain of grief over the loss of your husband.  It takes me back when Ernie passed away so I know exactly how you feel.  I use to sleep a lot and curse when I had to wake up and face another day without him.  I would keep my blinds closed and sometimes not even answer my phone other than from my immediate family.  A lot of it was fear going through life without him and how was I going to manage alone and financially.  Through your heartache now it's difficult to believe that one day on your own time reality sets in and each day brings you closer to reinventing your own life and the tears and intenseness of grief grows further and further apart although of course you will never forget your spouse.  By my second year I got in touch with a financial advisor to help me through financial issues and the 'what's' and 'what not to does.'  I was able to ask family and a few friends over for entertainment and forced myself.  The first time I did I can honestly say I didn't enjoy it as they were all couples, but by the second time I grew to enjoy it.  I surprised myself by actually laughing.  It seemed I hadn't laughed in years.  As the years went on (now 5 1/2) I went out more, made plans with friends and since I'm retired with no children I chose to volunteer.  I have good and bad days still, but I remind myself so do a lot of other people.  I still can have a few rough times when I see couples together or couples going on holidays, but I'm stronger now and I'll get through it some how.

You were so right when you said it makes one wonder how all of us get through such a difficult time of grief and to me, we're all warriors of grief and we will win the war. 

You are in my prayers Sheri so hang on with all your might because better times are heading your way although I know it doesn't feel like it right now.  Remember, as painful as grief is what you are going through is very normal.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Chicago Beard on October 19, 2016 at 11:28am

Sheri

I hear you and feel for you. The first year is the worst. I felt confused and lost. Everything felt surreal. I wanted the world to just stop and let me catch my breath. Of course that does not happen. As time passes the pain is not as acute and you find yourself actually enjoying things again. You never stop missing your loved one but you can move on. They can never be replaced but their memories and what we learned from them can carry us through.

Comment by Sheri Dettman on October 19, 2016 at 11:15am

Thank you Chicago. That was wonderful. And posted at a time where I'm feeling horrible. Seems like the grief is getting worse now that the shock of it is lessening slightly and the reality of being without Bill is setting in on a daily basis. My stomach is in a constant knot and I just want to stay in bed and sleep so as to not have to face each day without him. Of course, I can't, so I don't, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't do it if I could. With so much grief in the world and so many of us going thru this, it makes you wonder how we do it.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 19, 2016 at 10:16am

Dear Chicago Beard,

Your post sharing that incredibly moving and honest piece by Carolyn Moor did indeed bring out my tears, and her plea to everyone around her is the one I wish I had known how to express so many times.

Thank you, this was truly a mitzvah my friend.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 19, 2016 at 9:11am

Chicago....that was absolutely perfect.  Every word is so true and could have only been written by someone who has lost her whole heart.  Thanks for sharing it.

Hugs, Sara

Comment by Marsha H on October 19, 2016 at 4:10am

Hi Chicago Beard ...

That was a wonderful read and it expressed every feeling I've ever had.  I still can have some of those feelings after 5 1/2 year without my beloved Ernie, but not as many as I once had, but they still creep in.  Thank you so much for posting that.

Hope you are your lady friend are doing well and enjoying life.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 19, 2016 at 1:47am

Hello Chicago Beard,

Thanks so much for sharing this post. It's authentic, heartfelt, and expressed with honesty and courage. I could hear my own voice in these deeply felt emotions. Those who have not lost a beloved spouse do not know the extent of the devastation and despair and the pain we go through on a daily basis, those of who have lost our soulmate. The post brought tears to my eyes.

Hope you're doing well and taking those courageous steps ahead.

Sending you good wishes and hugs,

Trina

Comment by Chicago Beard on October 19, 2016 at 1:11am

This was shared on facebook and I thought I would copy and paste it here.

A Widow’s Cry
- Despite what you might think, the tears that come to me are necessary. 
- My tears are because I loved someone with all my heart and I can’t be with them, touch them, kiss them or hug them again. Not even once. Do you know how that feels? 
- I cry because I loved. I cry because I lost. I cry because I can still feel….everything. 
- I cry because this is so unfair and there’s nothing...nothing I can do to change it. 
- These tears come in the shower, on my long run, in the car at the stoplight and parking lots, in public bathrooms, under my covers in bed, while cooking dinner and taking out the trash, when nothing goes right, in darkness and in daylight. 
- They come for a reason and a season.
- Sometimes I cry because of the past memories, sometimes because I’m moving forward courageously, sometimes because I’m confused and lost, sometimes because I’m exhausted and over it and sometimes when I’m profoundly, positively happy. 
- They are healing, inconvenient, embarrassing, breathtaking, uncontrollable, unyeilding and as mysteriously beautiful and sacred as love is to me. 
- In fact, without love, these tears would have no meaning whatsoever. 
- These brave tears wouldn’t percolate at all if I had not found the courage to give my whole-hearted self to another. To fully commit myself heart-to-heart infinitely.
- So, if you see me tear up or break down, find me a tissue, give me a hug, hold my hand, find a private place we can go and sit together until it passes. Hold that space with me. Your kindness genuinely helps this feel less awkward.
- Thank you ahead of time. Having a golden friend like you in a moment like this is the silver lining of every tear I shed. 
- Some of my tears will come alone and in silence, but all of my tears come calling out for compassion, friendship and connection.
Let’s be willing and grateful for this authentic way to emotionally connect with each other and better understand the deeper meaning in all our tears. Let it rain until it releases our pain as we regain the hope and strength to face another moment in this storm after loss.

*Dedicated to every #widow who has cried from the core of her precious broken open heart <3

Written by:
Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder + Advocate
https://modernwidowsclub.com/

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2016 at 2:31pm

Harold ...  I am relieved and happy you have come to terms with your decision regarding Diane.  It seems we are caught between the lesser of two horrific problems; let them stay with us or let them go.  Although letting them go and having to make that decision is so heart-breaking we should be feeling better we had that control, but of course it's hardest decision we've had to make in our lives.  Like Diane, Ernie was soul weary and they had been through so much.  I know we all miss our spouses so much and I still do.  I look back and wish I had said many more things to Ernie than I did and that haunted me, but I came to terms with that as well as I was fighting doctors and basically the medical system to get him the best care possible and as you know watching over our spouses while in hospital takes a lot out of us so now I've come to the conclusion and comfortable with it that I did all I could.

I hope you have a good weekend Harold and good things happen for you to brighten your days ahead.

Marsha

 

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