Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Sheri Dettman on October 19, 2016 at 11:15am

Thank you Chicago. That was wonderful. And posted at a time where I'm feeling horrible. Seems like the grief is getting worse now that the shock of it is lessening slightly and the reality of being without Bill is setting in on a daily basis. My stomach is in a constant knot and I just want to stay in bed and sleep so as to not have to face each day without him. Of course, I can't, so I don't, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't do it if I could. With so much grief in the world and so many of us going thru this, it makes you wonder how we do it.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 19, 2016 at 10:16am

Dear Chicago Beard,

Your post sharing that incredibly moving and honest piece by Carolyn Moor did indeed bring out my tears, and her plea to everyone around her is the one I wish I had known how to express so many times.

Thank you, this was truly a mitzvah my friend.



Comment by Sara Murphy on October 19, 2016 at 9:11am

Chicago....that was absolutely perfect.  Every word is so true and could have only been written by someone who has lost her whole heart.  Thanks for sharing it.

Hugs, Sara

Comment by Marsha H on October 19, 2016 at 4:10am

Hi Chicago Beard ...

That was a wonderful read and it expressed every feeling I've ever had.  I still can have some of those feelings after 5 1/2 year without my beloved Ernie, but not as many as I once had, but they still creep in.  Thank you so much for posting that.

Hope you are your lady friend are doing well and enjoying life.



Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 19, 2016 at 1:47am

Hello Chicago Beard,

Thanks so much for sharing this post. It's authentic, heartfelt, and expressed with honesty and courage. I could hear my own voice in these deeply felt emotions. Those who have not lost a beloved spouse do not know the extent of the devastation and despair and the pain we go through on a daily basis, those of who have lost our soulmate. The post brought tears to my eyes.

Hope you're doing well and taking those courageous steps ahead.

Sending you good wishes and hugs,


Comment by Chicago Beard on October 19, 2016 at 1:11am

This was shared on facebook and I thought I would copy and paste it here.

A Widow’s Cry
- Despite what you might think, the tears that come to me are necessary. 
- My tears are because I loved someone with all my heart and I can’t be with them, touch them, kiss them or hug them again. Not even once. Do you know how that feels? 
- I cry because I loved. I cry because I lost. I cry because I can still feel….everything. 
- I cry because this is so unfair and there’s nothing...nothing I can do to change it. 
- These tears come in the shower, on my long run, in the car at the stoplight and parking lots, in public bathrooms, under my covers in bed, while cooking dinner and taking out the trash, when nothing goes right, in darkness and in daylight. 
- They come for a reason and a season.
- Sometimes I cry because of the past memories, sometimes because I’m moving forward courageously, sometimes because I’m confused and lost, sometimes because I’m exhausted and over it and sometimes when I’m profoundly, positively happy. 
- They are healing, inconvenient, embarrassing, breathtaking, uncontrollable, unyeilding and as mysteriously beautiful and sacred as love is to me. 
- In fact, without love, these tears would have no meaning whatsoever. 
- These brave tears wouldn’t percolate at all if I had not found the courage to give my whole-hearted self to another. To fully commit myself heart-to-heart infinitely.
- So, if you see me tear up or break down, find me a tissue, give me a hug, hold my hand, find a private place we can go and sit together until it passes. Hold that space with me. Your kindness genuinely helps this feel less awkward.
- Thank you ahead of time. Having a golden friend like you in a moment like this is the silver lining of every tear I shed. 
- Some of my tears will come alone and in silence, but all of my tears come calling out for compassion, friendship and connection.
Let’s be willing and grateful for this authentic way to emotionally connect with each other and better understand the deeper meaning in all our tears. Let it rain until it releases our pain as we regain the hope and strength to face another moment in this storm after loss.

*Dedicated to every #widow who has cried from the core of her precious broken open heart <3

Written by:
Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder + Advocate

Comment by Marsha H on October 15, 2016 at 2:31pm

Harold ...  I am relieved and happy you have come to terms with your decision regarding Diane.  It seems we are caught between the lesser of two horrific problems; let them stay with us or let them go.  Although letting them go and having to make that decision is so heart-breaking we should be feeling better we had that control, but of course it's hardest decision we've had to make in our lives.  Like Diane, Ernie was soul weary and they had been through so much.  I know we all miss our spouses so much and I still do.  I look back and wish I had said many more things to Ernie than I did and that haunted me, but I came to terms with that as well as I was fighting doctors and basically the medical system to get him the best care possible and as you know watching over our spouses while in hospital takes a lot out of us so now I've come to the conclusion and comfortable with it that I did all I could.

I hope you have a good weekend Harold and good things happen for you to brighten your days ahead.


Comment by Harold McKinstry on October 15, 2016 at 8:34am


Thanks for the comments and support. I have pretty much come to terms with my decision, and don't feel guilt over turning off the ventilator like I used too. Diane's body had been through too much and just gave up. She wasn't going to get better, she had six weeks and her lungs weren't improving much. The hardest thing and and the best thing I have ever done was to let her go when it was time. It feels strange to know that the best thing I could do for her can hurt so bad, not the decision but letting her go.   

Comment by Marsha H on October 14, 2016 at 3:18pm

Dear Sara ...  Your post of your life ending as it once was and nothing feels the same is very normal.  I went through that as well.  I had to drag myself out of bed and wondered why I wasn't taken instead of Ernie for I would have given up my life for him.  The first year I was in shock and felt I'd been picked up and left on a completely different planet.  My faith went out the door (I still struggle with that one even though I go to Bible Study) and in the 2nd year I had a bit of a routine going and began to surround myself with family and friends which was difficult at first, but that too became routine.  Oh yes, I still have rough days and can be very lonely at times, but then out of the blue when I least expect it I have a good day.  Grief is a necessity whether we like or not unfortunately and I suppose it humbles us and for me, I hold those I love and are living closer to me.  Sometimes they don't get it and doubt they ever will until they lose a spouse. 

I believe our spouses never really leave us.  Part of them stays with us.  As all of us say just take small steps and we grow stronger with each step. 



Comment by Marsha H on October 14, 2016 at 3:12pm

Harold ...  I know just how you feel about terminating your Diane's life (so you think) but not true.  I hope this helps when I tell you that Ernie begged me not to let him linger on life support and I kept that promise.  We still feel some guilt and 'what ifs' to 'why', but I try to put myself in their place and wouldn't want to be on life support for possibly months and we owe our loved ones dignity and final peace.  They all went through so much.  You were a fantastic husband and were there for Diane and each of you knew how much you loved the other.  The biggest gift we could ever give someone we love is to not let them suffer if there is no hope.

Everything you have said and are now doing is normal and every time I read a post such as yours or someone else's it takes me back to the decisions I had to make for my beloved Ernie.  I no longer have the guilt and feel I gave him the greatest gift of all; saying goodbye and letting him go so he'd be at peace.

Believe it or not no matter how much grief gives us pain and how many tears we shed if we get up every day whether it's good or bad is a big step forward and I'm sure our spouses would be happy we are getting on with our lives the best we can.




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