Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane Jul 1. 13 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Harold McKinstry on October 20, 2016 at 12:56am


I can appreciate the pain, hopefulness and grief you are going through. It is especially hard when the shock wears off, I think it is cruel but necessary to go through the pain and heartache, to find some manner of peace and happiness. It will never be as good as it was but we all need to find a reason to keep moving forward and find some enjoyment out of Life. Diane's first husband passed away, I tell myself she did it I can too. Also I ask myself what would I want for Diane if I had died. There are days that nothing matters and I just want to give in to everything, I allow a short Pity party, but then just keep trying to do the right things and put one foot in front of the other. That's the only thing I have found that works for me.    

Comment by Chicago Beard on October 19, 2016 at 10:07pm


I hear you. It does get overwhelming at times when we want to turn to our loved ones for the insights they would give us. For me it felt like being torn in half and that I was kind of flailing. Putting one foot in front of the other is pretty much all we can do. As you are finding out, whereas it may start getting better, it never feels like it gets good. Hang in there. You will get through this like we all have and do.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on October 19, 2016 at 6:57pm

I'm sure most of us have said I lost my everything when my spouse died. Sometimes little things bring home how much that means. My back has been bugging me, I remembered how Diane would go for a massage and feel better. I went the other day and found I enjoyed being touched by a women as much as the pain relief. Not in a sexual way either, I have got a random hug here and there but realized it's been eight and half months since I had a kiss hug hand hold whatever from Diane kind of blew my mind. My Mom was in the hospital again, three times in the last month. Diane could always tell when I was stressed about my Mom and would come to me and hold me and tell me it was alright I didn't have to handle anything alone anymore she was there for me. That's all I have been thinking of I wish I could still have some Diane Therapy. The only person I have to help me is me, I have never been that great at taking care of me Diane yes me not so much. It's made me feel that much more lonely knowing I am back to handling everything on my own again.     

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 19, 2016 at 3:09pm

Dear Sheri,

I couldn't have said it better than Chicago Beard and Marsha - so I only add that I remember as if it was yesterday the feelings you are having. Some time ago I wrote a piece comparing the way we get through the days to walking a tightrope - I called it High Wire Act, and it may still be here somewhere if my past posts are still listed. I described the feeling of always having to concentrate on keeping my balance and ignore the distractions of comments and actions by people around me, who through no fault of their own would sometimes make things worse for me with their attempts to help.

The only place where I ever found real help, where  I soon recognized that my feelings were truly understood, was right here with this supportive family - my safety net as I referred to them in my post. All of you are still my safe place to bring my fears and feelings of loss and sadness, and I hope you Sheri feel that way too, because as you go through these struggles - and I do believe that as the shock of our loss abates it is replaced by unimaginable feelings of grief for which we are completely unprepared  - we will be here with you doing everything we can to offer our support and our understanding. 

I send my prayers your way, and wish you peace today and through all the rough days ahead that you face - days that,  with this family by your side,  you will never have face alone.



Comment by Marsha H on October 19, 2016 at 2:21pm

Dear Sheri ...  I caught your post to Chicago Beard and I just wish I had a magic wand to stop the intense pain of grief over the loss of your husband.  It takes me back when Ernie passed away so I know exactly how you feel.  I use to sleep a lot and curse when I had to wake up and face another day without him.  I would keep my blinds closed and sometimes not even answer my phone other than from my immediate family.  A lot of it was fear going through life without him and how was I going to manage alone and financially.  Through your heartache now it's difficult to believe that one day on your own time reality sets in and each day brings you closer to reinventing your own life and the tears and intenseness of grief grows further and further apart although of course you will never forget your spouse.  By my second year I got in touch with a financial advisor to help me through financial issues and the 'what's' and 'what not to does.'  I was able to ask family and a few friends over for entertainment and forced myself.  The first time I did I can honestly say I didn't enjoy it as they were all couples, but by the second time I grew to enjoy it.  I surprised myself by actually laughing.  It seemed I hadn't laughed in years.  As the years went on (now 5 1/2) I went out more, made plans with friends and since I'm retired with no children I chose to volunteer.  I have good and bad days still, but I remind myself so do a lot of other people.  I still can have a few rough times when I see couples together or couples going on holidays, but I'm stronger now and I'll get through it some how.

You were so right when you said it makes one wonder how all of us get through such a difficult time of grief and to me, we're all warriors of grief and we will win the war. 

You are in my prayers Sheri so hang on with all your might because better times are heading your way although I know it doesn't feel like it right now.  Remember, as painful as grief is what you are going through is very normal.



Comment by Chicago Beard on October 19, 2016 at 11:28am


I hear you and feel for you. The first year is the worst. I felt confused and lost. Everything felt surreal. I wanted the world to just stop and let me catch my breath. Of course that does not happen. As time passes the pain is not as acute and you find yourself actually enjoying things again. You never stop missing your loved one but you can move on. They can never be replaced but their memories and what we learned from them can carry us through.

Comment by Sheri Dettman on October 19, 2016 at 11:15am

Thank you Chicago. That was wonderful. And posted at a time where I'm feeling horrible. Seems like the grief is getting worse now that the shock of it is lessening slightly and the reality of being without Bill is setting in on a daily basis. My stomach is in a constant knot and I just want to stay in bed and sleep so as to not have to face each day without him. Of course, I can't, so I don't, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't do it if I could. With so much grief in the world and so many of us going thru this, it makes you wonder how we do it.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 19, 2016 at 10:16am

Dear Chicago Beard,

Your post sharing that incredibly moving and honest piece by Carolyn Moor did indeed bring out my tears, and her plea to everyone around her is the one I wish I had known how to express so many times.

Thank you, this was truly a mitzvah my friend.



Comment by Sara Murphy on October 19, 2016 at 9:11am

Chicago....that was absolutely perfect.  Every word is so true and could have only been written by someone who has lost her whole heart.  Thanks for sharing it.

Hugs, Sara

Comment by Marsha H on October 19, 2016 at 4:10am

Hi Chicago Beard ...

That was a wonderful read and it expressed every feeling I've ever had.  I still can have some of those feelings after 5 1/2 year without my beloved Ernie, but not as many as I once had, but they still creep in.  Thank you so much for posting that.

Hope you are your lady friend are doing well and enjoying life.




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