Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on October 23, 2016 at 5:19pm

Thank you my family for your kind words to help me through another tough day.  I decided to order out at the Italian place that Ken liked.  A couple of times it was his first post hospital meal......he would call in an order as we were driving home after being released.  An Italian dinner and a Patriots game on a Sunday a evening is a good a way to spend his birthday as any.  Maybe during the week I'll get a balloon and send him a message.  I think it's going to be windy here for a couple of days.

Love you all,


Comment by Deb S on October 23, 2016 at 3:48pm

Dear Steve, I am so sorry that you and Mark were treated so poorly by your biological families. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Your post made me look back at my own life. I remembered and examined my interaction with my own family.  After hard reflection, I recognize that I did exclude family on occasion over the years. Holidays often brought out intense bickering in my family. I had a firm rule that the bickering needed to stop at the door whenever family visited my house. Some chose to stay home. My parents chose to stay in a hotel which worked well for everyone. In retrospect, I wish that everyone would have chosen to spend the time together as a family. At the same time, I know that I built happy memories for my children. Everyone eventually grew out of this stage and we again spend many happy occasions together. We now go out of our way to make it a priority.

I then reflected on my interaction with extended family. I have a huge family. I don't even know how many cousins I have . . . really. I am close to one cousin who happens to be gay. She lives on the opposite coast and I am blessed if I see her once a year. Recently, she has shared on more than one occasion how appreciative she is that my family (folks and sisters) were always accepting. I was shocked and saddened to learn that some of her own sisters do not talk with her. That is heartbreaking. I'd like to say that it is "their" loss, but it is "everyone's" loss. She is such a sweetheart. She flew home for my Mom's funeral. That action speaks volumes.

Please know that this family loves you deeply. I remain thrilled that you and Chuck are an "item". My favorite portion of your post is your remark that you have someone new in your life that you "love just as much or more than Mark." Godspeed, dear friends, Godspeed.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on October 23, 2016 at 2:35pm

Deb S ...  I'd be right behind you with a magic wand of my own to swirl around Sara and take her heartache away.  I wish life was that simple. 

Thank for the compliment re handling my family.  I was brought up by my parents to resolve the difficult problems in life and then slide down to the easier ones, so I've always hit head on with the tough problems.  Sometimes I can resolve them, sometimes not, but everyone does the best they can.  If we hold too many hurt feelings inside these feelings fester until one will burst suddenly and may say some unpleasant things so it's best to hit head on, be polite, calm and try to get your feelings across to those who do not seem to get the picture of grief.  That's all one can do and these people can never say they weren't told.

I hope you are having a wonderful day.  It's raining and then the sun comes out a little just to tease us and 3 weeks of rain is getting to people here in lower mainland B.C.  I always enjoy Sundays as I get to go in to try to adopt out shelter dogs and it's a good feeling.  Giving something back to those in need.



Comment by Marsha H on October 23, 2016 at 2:30pm

Dear Sara ...  I understand only too well and others do here how difficult it is for the 'first' of all special occasions with our spouses.  It's such a shock when we realize what we did to celebrate our spouse's birthday and can't physically do so.  I do have a suggestion that you may consider; I went and bought a helium balloon, wrote love notes on it to my Ernie and took it to his favorite place by the river not far from home and kissed the balloon and let it soar to the heavens where I envisioned Ernie would be holding out his hands to catch it and fly a kiss back to me.  I still cry doing this, but it's a good feeling that I'm still letting him know how much I love and miss him.  As Chuck has said Ken is right there with you.  My prayers are coming your way and we're all here praying to give you strength to get through the day.  We can't take the place of Ken, but we're all here for you my dear friend.

Big hugs


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 23, 2016 at 10:38am

Dear Sara,

The first birthday of Ken's when you are apart is an extremely painful and difficult step on your journey, and for what it's worth I hold out my hand, and my prayers, and ask you to let us all help you through today with our love and strength being channeled your way from across the miles and from all directions. Whatever you do today as you remember the ways you and Ken always celebrated will bring tears I know - so just let them come and wish him the happy birthday you always have, for he is there with you I promise.

Peace to you today my very dear friend -




Comment by Deb S on October 23, 2016 at 8:24am

Marsha, I agree with you. It would be wonderful if the magic wand swirled around all of us and appeared when we most needed it. If I only had the necessary power, I would gladly send it Sarah's way today.

I applaud you for having what was likely not an easy conversation with your family. Good for you for facing the situation straight on. I hope that it helped you feel better to express your feelings.  I'm glad you got everything out in the open. You rock!  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on October 23, 2016 at 8:19am

Dear Sarah, My heart and prayers are with you today. This is one of those days that is most difficult. If you are like me, your mind stays on a roller coaster ride for much of the days leading up to and following today and today's emotions are often overwhelming. I pray that you do as well as you can and take care of you today. Hugs!  Debbie

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 23, 2016 at 7:54am

Today is Ken's birthday.  We should be at his favorite breakfast place right now and should be going to his favorite Italian place for dinner....unless of course he wanted me to make chicken stuffed with ricotta and spinach (another favorite of his) but instead it's another long day of us living in different dimensions. 

Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 4:00am

Dear Deb S ...  As always when there is a problem you seem to have radar and fly down like an angel with your pearls of wisdom.  I do appreciate your post and your thoughts on what has been happening to me with my family. 

I think that magic wand should swirl around all of us.  You as well as many on here bring me peace and contend and some encouraging words.  It's wonderful to leave a cold uncaring world and post on Legacy because all the angels are right on here with words of wisdom and concern.  It gets me through another day.

Thank you for thinking of me and I consider you a dear friend as well as others on here.  What would I do without all of you.  Sara was right because I'm the type of person instead of keeping serious feelings inside I communicate (my middle name as Ernie use to tell me and he said he loved me all the more for it as it lessened stress levels.)  Say it like it is!  I got my family together a few weeks back and quietly, calmly told them how I felt.  They tried to squirm out of it with excuses and I never budged an inch.  Although I wanted the tears to fall I held fast and ended with, 'Treat me well while I'm alive and don't shed tears at my bedside when I'm dying.'  They did look ashamed of themselves and now the ball is in their court.  For some strange reason I just feel calm about it as if I have resolved something in this family whether it's good or bad.  Time will tell.  I just pray that God will hit them upside the head and I hear 'I can see, I can see!'  LOL  Other than that I will either be happy to get half of what my family should be or I'm free to move forward.  We didn't get to chose our families.

Thank you my dear friend and I appreciate you posting for all of us when you are going through your own heartbreaking grief. 

Big hugs back!


Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 3:51am

Dear Harold ...  Thank you so much for your encouraging words and you made me laugh about a good slap for them and I could envision that.  LOL  Thank you for the lovely encouraging words Harold and when I'm down and out I don't talk to anyone I know in my personal life, but come to my real family ...  ALL OF YOU!  You all understand how others can hurt us or other issues that may come up. 

It does make me feel good that I have helped some people through my own experiences of grieving and just because some things such as my family for instance hurting me it doesn't mean it will happen to others on here.  Oh, but all of you have done so much for me by just posting and encouraging me and letting me know you all appreciate me and it reminds me that I haven't lost the humility, warmth and love I've always possessed, but thought I lost after Ernie passed away.  It reassures me it 'isn't me' and I'm not the one who isn't getting it, but just mindless and inconsiderate people who don't want to take the time to bring a little kindness to others and just not me. 

I am so sorry I missed our chat, but I hadn't signed out and don't on a general basis, but wasn't on my computer (guess the time difference.)  I would have loved to have chatted with you.

Thank you once again Harold for your kind words and you did make me feel better as others did.  Talk about crazy, I find myself talking out loud to myself while out in public or driving so I'd better be careful.  LOL




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