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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Marsha H Feb 14. 4 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on October 24, 2016 at 5:05am

Dear Steve ...  I know saying goodbye is difficult and I am sure your lady friend is really going to miss going to the movies with you.  It's wonderful you were treated with respect by coworkers and that pretty much says most people don't care what you are as far as your sexual preference, but see through to your spirit and what a loving and kind person you are.  You deserve every hug and pat on the back given to you.

I love that special restaurant you chose that you and Mark went to and what a wonderful way to leave behind those memories. 

Thank you for sharing your youthful days and what you are today and I'd say you have done well my brother and I'm proud of you.  I like your idea that you don't connect the dots anymore and thank God for letting you wake up each morning.  I guess I'm just one impatient person waiting for something to get me excited about.  LOL 

Have a safe trip Steve and I'm praying and thinking of you.  I wish you and Chuck the very best in your life together and have no doubt it will be an awesome life which you both deserve.

Love & Hugs

Your sis Marsha

Comment by Steve on October 23, 2016 at 6:25pm

Thank you all for your kind words, I know without any doubts that my real family has shifted to this wonderful group of souls of brothers and sisters.  We all are having a difficult time with so many holidays coming, so many special occasions at every turn of the day, month and hours.

This past Friday at work was my last day, saying goodbye to people that I have worked with here in Dallas for the past 7 years was very emotional, they too were part of my family and all of them helped me through the years just by accepting me and Mark as any other couple.  No one there ever treated my loss as anything less than a horrible nightmare that it was, they just comforted me daily, never afraid to ask how I was doing and always making sure I was ok.  My emotions are impossible to hide, try as I may, everyone can read me like a book.  One in particular, Linda, lost her husband some 15 years ago, she never remarried, she raised her children and looks after her sisters and her mother and they all look out for her.  She and I have a standing date, once a month, sometime back she asked if I liked going to the movies, sure, I said.  So we started one Friday and this coming Friday I will take her out to the movies one more time.

This past weekend, I was invited by a couple from church to go out to dinner Friday night to celebrate my retirement and they asked me what type of restaurant would I like, so I said Italian, texted back Ok and asked if Maggiano's at North Park would be ok.

I said yes, they had no idea that Maggiano's was the first Italian place Mark and I went too after moving to Dallas, seemed fitting to be the last place for Italian food before moving to Jersey.  I got home afterwards and told Mark, thank you. 

Odd how things in life never quite go as we plan things, who knew that a 19 year old just in the Navy and his ship pulling into the Hudson Harbor just outside of Newark, NJ in 1966 was his first port of call before heading to the Mediterrian Sea, that this same young sailor would be retiring to Jersey as a much older, but wiser young man.  Nothing in this life is by chance, roll of the dice, it seems there really is a bigger picture that we do not see or understand.  I try not to connect the dots anymore, it seems for me a lot easier to just wake up each day and say thank you Father for waking me up. 

Comment by Harold McKinstry on October 23, 2016 at 5:55pm

Steve

Sorry you had to go through so much pain and Heartache from Family and Friends. If i'm going to dislike a person i'd rather it be because there an ass not his Religion, Color, or Gay or Straight. My parents only bought Neapolitan Ice Cream when I was younger, my Uncle Chuck when he would come into town would always go to Mooneys and get us some cool flavored Ice Cream. He was Gay which I didn't know anything about being younger. I would always say I want to be like Uncle Chuck when I grow up, I think my parents would cringe when I said it. He was a good guy always liked him, family just didn't talk about it. I hold you in high regard, you are always there along with others when I post and need some support. Thanks I appreciate all you do.     

Comment by Harold McKinstry on October 23, 2016 at 5:37pm

Sara

That sounds like a good idea to get a meal from Kens favorite place. Hope your day is tolerable, Diane's Birthday is Nov. 27 she liked to go for Perch. Maybe I'll see if her Dad and Daughters want to go too. Hugs and well wishes

Comment by Deb S on October 23, 2016 at 5:31pm

Sara, I love that you decided to order from Ken's favored Italian place tonight. I know this is bittersweet but still applaud your courage for making this choice. Hugs and prayers are continuous. Debbie

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 23, 2016 at 5:19pm

Thank you my family for your kind words to help me through another tough day.  I decided to order out at the Italian place that Ken liked.  A couple of times it was his first post hospital meal......he would call in an order as we were driving home after being released.  An Italian dinner and a Patriots game on a Sunday a evening is a good a way to spend his birthday as any.  Maybe during the week I'll get a balloon and send him a message.  I think it's going to be windy here for a couple of days.

Love you all,

Sara

Comment by Deb S on October 23, 2016 at 3:48pm

Dear Steve, I am so sorry that you and Mark were treated so poorly by your biological families. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Your post made me look back at my own life. I remembered and examined my interaction with my own family.  After hard reflection, I recognize that I did exclude family on occasion over the years. Holidays often brought out intense bickering in my family. I had a firm rule that the bickering needed to stop at the door whenever family visited my house. Some chose to stay home. My parents chose to stay in a hotel which worked well for everyone. In retrospect, I wish that everyone would have chosen to spend the time together as a family. At the same time, I know that I built happy memories for my children. Everyone eventually grew out of this stage and we again spend many happy occasions together. We now go out of our way to make it a priority.

I then reflected on my interaction with extended family. I have a huge family. I don't even know how many cousins I have . . . really. I am close to one cousin who happens to be gay. She lives on the opposite coast and I am blessed if I see her once a year. Recently, she has shared on more than one occasion how appreciative she is that my family (folks and sisters) were always accepting. I was shocked and saddened to learn that some of her own sisters do not talk with her. That is heartbreaking. I'd like to say that it is "their" loss, but it is "everyone's" loss. She is such a sweetheart. She flew home for my Mom's funeral. That action speaks volumes.

Please know that this family loves you deeply. I remain thrilled that you and Chuck are an "item". My favorite portion of your post is your remark that you have someone new in your life that you "love just as much or more than Mark." Godspeed, dear friends, Godspeed.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on October 23, 2016 at 2:35pm

Deb S ...  I'd be right behind you with a magic wand of my own to swirl around Sara and take her heartache away.  I wish life was that simple. 

Thank for the compliment re handling my family.  I was brought up by my parents to resolve the difficult problems in life and then slide down to the easier ones, so I've always hit head on with the tough problems.  Sometimes I can resolve them, sometimes not, but everyone does the best they can.  If we hold too many hurt feelings inside these feelings fester until one will burst suddenly and may say some unpleasant things so it's best to hit head on, be polite, calm and try to get your feelings across to those who do not seem to get the picture of grief.  That's all one can do and these people can never say they weren't told.

I hope you are having a wonderful day.  It's raining and then the sun comes out a little just to tease us and 3 weeks of rain is getting to people here in lower mainland B.C.  I always enjoy Sundays as I get to go in to try to adopt out shelter dogs and it's a good feeling.  Giving something back to those in need.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on October 23, 2016 at 2:30pm

Dear Sara ...  I understand only too well and others do here how difficult it is for the 'first' of all special occasions with our spouses.  It's such a shock when we realize what we did to celebrate our spouse's birthday and can't physically do so.  I do have a suggestion that you may consider; I went and bought a helium balloon, wrote love notes on it to my Ernie and took it to his favorite place by the river not far from home and kissed the balloon and let it soar to the heavens where I envisioned Ernie would be holding out his hands to catch it and fly a kiss back to me.  I still cry doing this, but it's a good feeling that I'm still letting him know how much I love and miss him.  As Chuck has said Ken is right there with you.  My prayers are coming your way and we're all here praying to give you strength to get through the day.  We can't take the place of Ken, but we're all here for you my dear friend.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 23, 2016 at 10:38am

Dear Sara,

The first birthday of Ken's when you are apart is an extremely painful and difficult step on your journey, and for what it's worth I hold out my hand, and my prayers, and ask you to let us all help you through today with our love and strength being channeled your way from across the miles and from all directions. Whatever you do today as you remember the ways you and Ken always celebrated will bring tears I know - so just let them come and wish him the happy birthday you always have, for he is there with you I promise.

Peace to you today my very dear friend -

Love,

Chuck

Love

 

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