Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi yesterday. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on October 23, 2016 at 7:54am

Today is Ken's birthday.  We should be at his favorite breakfast place right now and should be going to his favorite Italian place for dinner....unless of course he wanted me to make chicken stuffed with ricotta and spinach (another favorite of his) but instead it's another long day of us living in different dimensions. 

Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 4:00am

Dear Deb S ...  As always when there is a problem you seem to have radar and fly down like an angel with your pearls of wisdom.  I do appreciate your post and your thoughts on what has been happening to me with my family. 

I think that magic wand should swirl around all of us.  You as well as many on here bring me peace and contend and some encouraging words.  It's wonderful to leave a cold uncaring world and post on Legacy because all the angels are right on here with words of wisdom and concern.  It gets me through another day.

Thank you for thinking of me and I consider you a dear friend as well as others on here.  What would I do without all of you.  Sara was right because I'm the type of person instead of keeping serious feelings inside I communicate (my middle name as Ernie use to tell me and he said he loved me all the more for it as it lessened stress levels.)  Say it like it is!  I got my family together a few weeks back and quietly, calmly told them how I felt.  They tried to squirm out of it with excuses and I never budged an inch.  Although I wanted the tears to fall I held fast and ended with, 'Treat me well while I'm alive and don't shed tears at my bedside when I'm dying.'  They did look ashamed of themselves and now the ball is in their court.  For some strange reason I just feel calm about it as if I have resolved something in this family whether it's good or bad.  Time will tell.  I just pray that God will hit them upside the head and I hear 'I can see, I can see!'  LOL  Other than that I will either be happy to get half of what my family should be or I'm free to move forward.  We didn't get to chose our families.

Thank you my dear friend and I appreciate you posting for all of us when you are going through your own heartbreaking grief. 

Big hugs back!


Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 3:51am

Dear Harold ...  Thank you so much for your encouraging words and you made me laugh about a good slap for them and I could envision that.  LOL  Thank you for the lovely encouraging words Harold and when I'm down and out I don't talk to anyone I know in my personal life, but come to my real family ...  ALL OF YOU!  You all understand how others can hurt us or other issues that may come up. 

It does make me feel good that I have helped some people through my own experiences of grieving and just because some things such as my family for instance hurting me it doesn't mean it will happen to others on here.  Oh, but all of you have done so much for me by just posting and encouraging me and letting me know you all appreciate me and it reminds me that I haven't lost the humility, warmth and love I've always possessed, but thought I lost after Ernie passed away.  It reassures me it 'isn't me' and I'm not the one who isn't getting it, but just mindless and inconsiderate people who don't want to take the time to bring a little kindness to others and just not me. 

I am so sorry I missed our chat, but I hadn't signed out and don't on a general basis, but wasn't on my computer (guess the time difference.)  I would have loved to have chatted with you.

Thank you once again Harold for your kind words and you did make me feel better as others did.  Talk about crazy, I find myself talking out loud to myself while out in public or driving so I'd better be careful.  LOL



Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 3:09am

Dear Sara ...  Thank you for the kind post and just being there for me.  Actually it's my sister-in-law who is introverted and throughout the years my brother has become that way.  He once use to be like myself; extroverted, loved to laugh and had a good wit about him, but not so much anymore.  Oh yes, I have had a family conference and without tears (hard to do) I let them know how I felt and that they should have learned something from my beloved Ernie's death due to a misunderstanding with my one nephew and on Ernie's death bed my nephews asked him for his forgiveness which Ernie gave most willingly.  My nephews were heart-broken they had missed 4 years of not seeing their loving uncle who they once were close to.  Now they are starting that with me.  I also told them, 'Treat me well while I'm alive and don't cry tears by my bedside.'  I guess some people just don't get it.  My middle name has always been 'communication' so people know exactly where I stand and I'm open minded and thus, learned much from others as they have learned from me.  Not everyone I suppose can be that open. 

I wish I had a magic wand too and take the heartache away from all of you.  Thank you Sara for being there for me when you have your own heartache to contend with.



Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 3:00am

Dearest Chuck ...  Thank you as always my dear friend for the encouraging words.  I sure wish all of us lived closer and what a time we would have.  You always make me laugh.  Wish my neighbor could be there for you.  He just put weather-stripping around some doors in my house on Friday.  I was blessed this time and sometimes I have to try to do things myself. 

I wish you the best future ever and it's an honor to have a second brother to be there for me. 

Much love & hugs


Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 2:57am

My big brother Steve ...

My heart went out to you that your family couldn't accept you as you are and your sister passed from pancreatic cancer as Ernie did.  There is nothing that would stop me from loving my family or the family on Legacy.  It's cruel and unkind and the family and friends that turned their backs on you will feel the pain later on when they realize what a wonderful and loving person you are.  Thankfully the days of a person being gay is fading away and they are more accepted in our society.  As I told you throughout my life I had a couple of male gay friends who were more loving and always there for me than straight people.  I was blessed to have known them and unfortunately, now they are gone. Oh, what your family and some friends have missed; a loving, gentle and kind person.  Their loss!  I am most honored that you adopted me as your sister. 

Oh, but yes people care and even some people in your family or friends do care, but unfortunately they follow the crowd and are weak not coming forward and accepting you and Mark as you were.  It's what's inside a person that counts! 

I am so thrilled you have met someone and once again happiness will shine on both of you.  That is all I ask out of life.  I find the members on this site very special because of all the websites regarding grief posting we all chose this one and miracles have happened since we've all met.  It's honesty, posting our feelings, getting to know each other, knowing how grief feels squeezing your heart and thus, we've all become one big family.  That 2000 mile trip will be the beginning of the rest of your life full of love and caring.  I again am so happy for the both of you.

Thank you once again for your loving concern and encouragement.

Your Loving Sis


Comment by Deb S on October 21, 2016 at 7:05pm

Marsha, It hurts my heart to read your recent posts. Like Sara, I wish I had a magic wand to change things. Like Harold, I appreciate your friendship and support. You have made my path easier and for this I will be forever grateful. Like Chuck, I would meet you often and enjoy your company if I happened to be geographically closer to you. Instead, I meet you here. I enjoy your company. I treasure our friendship.

You have been in my thoughts all day. I'm with my daughter and granddaughter for 4 days. I just took a smoking break (a habit I took up again the day before my husband passed away) and looked at the stars. I prayed that you find "this". I'm not sure if you can find "this" with your brother and nephews. Sara suggested that you have a heart to heart conversation with them. After giving this a lot of thought, I wonder if there is a downside to this suggestion. Perhaps it would open an avenue of communication. It might cause further heartbreak or it might open a more honest relationship.  Either way, you would know where you stand.

Without a crystal ball, I have no clue as to the outcome. Please know that you have my total support,  HUGS!!!!  Debbie

Comment by Harold McKinstry on October 21, 2016 at 6:36pm


I'm so sorry you have been treated so badly by your family, there is no excuse for it. Diane worked on me to listen and not try to fix her problems. Even so I would like to slap a few in your family alongside the head, and ask what is wrong with you. I know it doesn't take away the sting of the way your family treats you. I do hope you realize how much high regard you are held at on here. You have been a huge help to me whenever I posted something I knew you would respond with comfort, support and telling me your experience so I would know I wasn't going crazy. I would be in a much worse place if not for you, I'm sure most people on this site would say the same thing. Just because your Family doesn't see it doesn't mean it's not there. We all see the warm,caring, loving person that shines through all your post. You do so much good for so many people here I wish there was more we could do for you.   

Comment by Marsha H on October 21, 2016 at 5:35pm

Dear Todd ...  I'm upset and you pop up.  You can't get better than that.  Thank you for the lovely post and I appreciate it.  Love all of you too.


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 20, 2016 at 10:14pm

Dear Marsha,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this with your family - as Todd said, you are greatly appreciated by us all here, for your generosity of spirit, your kind support, and your wonderful wit. Indeed if we were able to all be closer in location you would be the busiest woman in Canada! Peace to you dear friend - PS: does your neighbor travel? My gutters are greatly in need of attention!




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