Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 3:09am

Dear Sara ...  Thank you for the kind post and just being there for me.  Actually it's my sister-in-law who is introverted and throughout the years my brother has become that way.  He once use to be like myself; extroverted, loved to laugh and had a good wit about him, but not so much anymore.  Oh yes, I have had a family conference and without tears (hard to do) I let them know how I felt and that they should have learned something from my beloved Ernie's death due to a misunderstanding with my one nephew and on Ernie's death bed my nephews asked him for his forgiveness which Ernie gave most willingly.  My nephews were heart-broken they had missed 4 years of not seeing their loving uncle who they once were close to.  Now they are starting that with me.  I also told them, 'Treat me well while I'm alive and don't cry tears by my bedside.'  I guess some people just don't get it.  My middle name has always been 'communication' so people know exactly where I stand and I'm open minded and thus, learned much from others as they have learned from me.  Not everyone I suppose can be that open. 

I wish I had a magic wand too and take the heartache away from all of you.  Thank you Sara for being there for me when you have your own heartache to contend with.



Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 3:00am

Dearest Chuck ...  Thank you as always my dear friend for the encouraging words.  I sure wish all of us lived closer and what a time we would have.  You always make me laugh.  Wish my neighbor could be there for you.  He just put weather-stripping around some doors in my house on Friday.  I was blessed this time and sometimes I have to try to do things myself. 

I wish you the best future ever and it's an honor to have a second brother to be there for me. 

Much love & hugs


Comment by Marsha H on October 22, 2016 at 2:57am

My big brother Steve ...

My heart went out to you that your family couldn't accept you as you are and your sister passed from pancreatic cancer as Ernie did.  There is nothing that would stop me from loving my family or the family on Legacy.  It's cruel and unkind and the family and friends that turned their backs on you will feel the pain later on when they realize what a wonderful and loving person you are.  Thankfully the days of a person being gay is fading away and they are more accepted in our society.  As I told you throughout my life I had a couple of male gay friends who were more loving and always there for me than straight people.  I was blessed to have known them and unfortunately, now they are gone. Oh, what your family and some friends have missed; a loving, gentle and kind person.  Their loss!  I am most honored that you adopted me as your sister. 

Oh, but yes people care and even some people in your family or friends do care, but unfortunately they follow the crowd and are weak not coming forward and accepting you and Mark as you were.  It's what's inside a person that counts! 

I am so thrilled you have met someone and once again happiness will shine on both of you.  That is all I ask out of life.  I find the members on this site very special because of all the websites regarding grief posting we all chose this one and miracles have happened since we've all met.  It's honesty, posting our feelings, getting to know each other, knowing how grief feels squeezing your heart and thus, we've all become one big family.  That 2000 mile trip will be the beginning of the rest of your life full of love and caring.  I again am so happy for the both of you.

Thank you once again for your loving concern and encouragement.

Your Loving Sis


Comment by Deb S on October 21, 2016 at 7:05pm

Marsha, It hurts my heart to read your recent posts. Like Sara, I wish I had a magic wand to change things. Like Harold, I appreciate your friendship and support. You have made my path easier and for this I will be forever grateful. Like Chuck, I would meet you often and enjoy your company if I happened to be geographically closer to you. Instead, I meet you here. I enjoy your company. I treasure our friendship.

You have been in my thoughts all day. I'm with my daughter and granddaughter for 4 days. I just took a smoking break (a habit I took up again the day before my husband passed away) and looked at the stars. I prayed that you find "this". I'm not sure if you can find "this" with your brother and nephews. Sara suggested that you have a heart to heart conversation with them. After giving this a lot of thought, I wonder if there is a downside to this suggestion. Perhaps it would open an avenue of communication. It might cause further heartbreak or it might open a more honest relationship.  Either way, you would know where you stand.

Without a crystal ball, I have no clue as to the outcome. Please know that you have my total support,  HUGS!!!!  Debbie

Comment by Harold McKinstry on October 21, 2016 at 6:36pm


I'm so sorry you have been treated so badly by your family, there is no excuse for it. Diane worked on me to listen and not try to fix her problems. Even so I would like to slap a few in your family alongside the head, and ask what is wrong with you. I know it doesn't take away the sting of the way your family treats you. I do hope you realize how much high regard you are held at on here. You have been a huge help to me whenever I posted something I knew you would respond with comfort, support and telling me your experience so I would know I wasn't going crazy. I would be in a much worse place if not for you, I'm sure most people on this site would say the same thing. Just because your Family doesn't see it doesn't mean it's not there. We all see the warm,caring, loving person that shines through all your post. You do so much good for so many people here I wish there was more we could do for you.   

Comment by Marsha H on October 21, 2016 at 5:35pm

Dear Todd ...  I'm upset and you pop up.  You can't get better than that.  Thank you for the lovely post and I appreciate it.  Love all of you too.


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on October 20, 2016 at 10:14pm

Dear Marsha,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this with your family - as Todd said, you are greatly appreciated by us all here, for your generosity of spirit, your kind support, and your wonderful wit. Indeed if we were able to all be closer in location you would be the busiest woman in Canada! Peace to you dear friend - PS: does your neighbor travel? My gutters are greatly in need of attention!



Comment by Sara Murphy on October 20, 2016 at 9:36pm

Steve......I feel for you that your family chose to walk away because they couldn't accept who you are.  It was them who missed out on knowing someone as kind hearted as you seem to be.  Although none of us have met (well, other than you 2), you can get a sense of who everyone is through their writing.  You must be special to have two great loves in your lifetime.   

Comment by Sara Murphy on October 20, 2016 at 9:26pm

Marsha......I so wish we all lived close enough that we could meet somewhere for a beverage, conversation and a real hug.  It's obvious your brother thinks you're "over it" by now but that's no excuse.  He knows you're living alone and have no children to help you out.  Shame on him and your nephews.  I think I may have asked this before but I'm not sure, have you had a conversation with your brother and sister in-law to tell them exactly how you feel?  How it hurts you to be forgotten about?  The hard part about this is if you do tell them how you feel, you'll likely see even less of them so it sounds like a no-win situation.   Your nephews seem to be taking after your brother.  I wish I had that magic wand to wave around for you but all I can do is remind you that your family here appreciates you.

Love, Sara

Comment by Steve on October 20, 2016 at 5:44pm

Dearest Marsha,  oh how I wish family knew how much suffering we all tend to each and every day of our lives.  Things were different when we were all children, what happened?  I think that as a society of civilized people we have forgotten how to live like children, everything we did as children had no attachments to them, we simply accepted each other as we were.  Speaking for myself as a gay man, it was so painful to discover that I was different and to see how others treated those that could not blend in as it were.  I had no one to discuss my feelings with and if my family had any concerns about me they never ever approached the subject.  We slowly grew apart, the only times we were drawn together were at funerals and weddings, social events for me with family was during the Holidays, and even then the question was "oh are you bringing your friend".  I spent my whole life as a question mark in everyone's day to day life.  No one ever called to check up on me until my sister was dying with pancreatic cancer.  After she died, my heart was torn apart, Mark was there for me and no one else was.  When Mark died, I was alone in our apartment, no friends, no family on my side or Mark's.  His family was upfront with him the day he told them he was gay, they cut him out of their lives forever.  I still get angry and it still hurts so bad to think that he died with only one person that cared for him.  I called my Aunt and Uncle in Jacksonville, they made me feel not so alone and it was comforting, but that too wore off very quickly, when I visited them a year after his passing, everyone was expecting me to be over with it, well I am not.  I have someone new in my life that I love just as much if not more than Mark.  Does anyone care?  My friends that I have made here in Dallas since his death and of course my only family that I give a damn about is everyone on this site.  I am packing up my belongings each one with a memory attached and moving some 2000 miles to someone who cares for me just as much as I care and love him.  We both share several things, our family here and our beloved husbands that are not in the present world.  We both know that had it not been for this site and for Larry and Mark pushing us along who knows what or where we would be today.  I know one thing the heartbreak of loosing family that are still alive is not as bad as loosing the one love of your life.  We cannot see anyone on this site or converse face to face; does not change the fact that I know where my true family is and I know that our Father is watching and helping us, each and everyone of us.  God bless you Marsha, you deserve so much more than your are getting.  I love you dear Marsha as much as my sister.


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