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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane Jul 1. 13 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on January 10, 2017 at 6:03pm

Corey...One of the best things about finding this site was finally being in touch with people who were thinking and feeling the things that I was.  I would come here and someone would have written something almost exactly as was in my head and I finally felt normal for thinking and feelings these things.  Before that, I thought something was wrong with people.   Unless you've lost a spouse you have no idea what it feels like.  I had people trying to compare it to losing other relatives but it's not the same and therefore the things they were saying to try to help were meaningless and not helpful.  I hope you'll find this site as helpful as I do. 

I wish I could say something to take the pain away but that's not possible.  Just know we're all here to support you so please come and vent any time you need to.   Right now it is terrifying to be alone.  I think about that everyday myself but I don't have young children to raise.   I'll pray that when the time is right, God will see to it that a father figure for your children will come into your life. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 10, 2017 at 5:51pm

Chuck......I thank you for your kind words.  I hope you and Steve continue coming to this site so we can keep up with you.

I'm so sorry the one friend you chose to call on your one year anniversary wanted to get off the phone so quickly.  Yes, it was certainly difficult for her on "that" day and she may not have wanted the feelings to re-surface but I wish she had thought about how you were feeling.  Obviously Larry was watching out for you which showed itself in his son calling you.  What a pretty and thoughtful flower arrangement he left.  Thanks for sharing the photo.

I had been planning to take the day off from work but because of some projects, I won't be able to.   Ken was cremated so I don't have to fit in a visit to a cemetery.  I have him here at home.  One of my sister's asked me if I wanted to get together for lunch and another couple of friends asked me to get together for dinner so that's what I'll do.  Ken's passing was also very difficult for our friends Glenn and Deanne.   Ken and Glenn were so close they called each other brothers from different mothers.   It's always nice to get together with friends who want to talk about Ken instead of being afraid to mention his name.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

Love, Sara

Comment by Corey on January 9, 2017 at 9:56pm

Sara it's those little things like you mentioned that are killing me now...looking over to see the empty couch where he'd sit.  It's still unthinkable to know I'm never going to touch him or kiss him goodnight again.   I'd do anything to be mad at him for leaving his shoes around.  I can't even imagine being with someone else but it also terrifies me to think I have to go through the rest of my life alone, with no father figure for my kids.  I wish you some peace over the next few days as I can't imagine how difficult it will be. You'll be in my thoughts 

Comment by Sheri Dettman on January 9, 2017 at 7:26pm

Corey, I'm keeping this short as I'm at work and am so far behind it's not even funny. I lost my husband in August after a less than 10 week battle with brain cancer so I'm pretty new as well. I still feel that I'm in a nightmare that I never can wake up from and it really doesn't seem real although we all know, unfortunately, know how real it is. I just want to say that everyone here is so incredibly supportive and helpful and everything that they are sharing with you will be helpful in some small way. I would suggest reading Widow to Widow as about a month after Bill died, a friend suggested it and it was helpful. There are things you'd never even think about unless someone who has been down this road warns you about. We all feel for you and ourselves. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 9, 2017 at 7:20pm

Dear Marsha,

Just a simple wish from a very grateful friend to my special Arch Angel - I hope your birthday tomorrow finds you well, at peace, and that no matter how much or little is planned, that you pause and think of myself and Steve sending you very big hugs and all our love - Happy Birthday dear Marsha, and many more.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 9, 2017 at 7:14pm

Hello Sara,

Thank you for your kind words. You must believe me when I say that I felt absolutely 100% about Larry the way you do about Ken. I actually got very upset when some friends even vaguely suggested that I might not spend the rest of my life alone, at least relationship-wise. I guess that's why I keep coming here trying to share the fact that as lonely and beaten as I was, I somehow made it through the early part of this awful journey of grieving. This week will be something you would never have envisioned having to endure, and my heart goes out to you knowing all too well what the 1 year anniversary of Larry's passing did to me.

That morning I only made one phone call, to someone who I thought of as Larry's and my closest friend for many years. The strain in her voice was either from the emotions summoned by memories of that day, because she was the person shuttling between floors in the hospital trying to find me and tell me what was happening in ICU with Larry.  She also was the face in the hospital room doorway I saw and knew Larry was gone. She was anxious to terminate the call, and I was left sitting staring out the window and crying harder than I had ever done. Suddenly the phone rang, and it was Larry's youngest son asking how I was managing and if I could meet him at the cemetery where he was going to place a flower arrangement from the 5 children - no one else was going. I regretfully told him I couldn't drive there due to my illness, and doubted I could see the road through my tears anyway, but wished I could be there for him so he wouldn't be alone. He said he understood, and that I could call him if I needed to any time that day. A few hours he called and described the arrangement...5 yellow mums and 1 red rose in the center, which was to represent me. He remembered that I had requested that 1 perfect red rose be the only flower from me at his memorial, placed on the box containing his ashes. Later I looked at a photo he had sent by email, and again cried, but felt some warm connection form permanently with him that day - as remains the case still.

I pray for you, dear friend, that in your sadness and tears, someone will do or say something to you that gives you the same sense of connection and peace, and that it will relieve some of your loneliness for a time. You remain always in my thoughts and prayers Sara, and I will be holding out my hand for you to grasp as I did many months ago when we first crossed paths here.

God Bless you -

Love,

Chuck

PS - the photo attached sideways...sorry, I can't figure out how to fix it

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 9, 2017 at 9:19am

Harold,  It be a year on Friday if I go by the date (the 13th) or Wednesday if I go by day of week he passed.  I can't believe it's been that long since I've heard his voice, touched him or just looked at him as he watched TV.    I still cry for him every day.  And yes, I do have anger as well.   My anger tends to not only just be why me and why us, but why are the good people taken so young and terrible people get to live into old age.  The only thing saving me from falling into complete despair is that I have to get up and go to work every day.  It gives me something to focus on but even still, I think about him all day anyway.  I know I have to get used to being alone but I'll never be okay with it.   I really hope it's true that we get all our answers once we make it to Heaven. 

Comment by Harold McKinstry on January 8, 2017 at 10:31pm

Sara

I know your 2 weeks before me as far as the death of Ken. I don't know how you are handling it. As for me I find myself getting angrier and more emotional the closer it gets to Diane's death the 29th. I haven't felt anger like this in a long  while, not sure why it is surfacing now. Time for a Xanax I guess

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 8, 2017 at 7:26pm

Chuck.....You have such a way with words.  It can be inspiring when you talk about how your life has moved on once you connected with Steve.  At the same time, I don't understand it.  I can't see the day when the sun breaks through the clouds.  I can't imagine ever doing anything I did with Ken with another human being.  My brain won't go there.  Ken is still my future.....just in a different way now. 

I'm glad for the happiness you and Steve have now.  Maybe if you keep inspiring me, things will look differently someday.

Love,

Sara

Comment by Harold McKinstry on January 7, 2017 at 9:46am

Corey

I know the feeling of the Pain and Loneliness and thinking it will not get better. I found that when I was early on in my Grief Journey, the hardest thing to do but the most important was not to look too far ahead. To go from having the Love of Your Life, someone to share your Life good and bad, to being alone would send me into depression. At first I could only look at today, then later on a few days ahead, now what I want to do this summer. I have a nine year old Grandson I want to go Camping with, Diane loved camping and it will be bittersweet going without her. We always enjoyed spending time with him and his father isn't in the picture much. It will be a year the 29th, I still Hate the idea of being alone, planing my Life without her in it, but it is what it is, I can't change it no matter what, or how unfair it is. Diane's dying has brought me unimaginable pain but it has also shown me how short and unexpected life can be. My Parents are getting up there in age, along with my Father in Law, my Dogs and even me. I want to enjoy the time I have with them, the best I can. I'm far from okay, Crying while typing this but doing the best I can. When my life is over I want to be proud of what I did with it and want Diane to be proud of me too. Hang in there Corey we have all felt what you are feeling. 

 

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