Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on January 11, 2017 at 2:32pm

Deb ...  Thanks for the Happy Birthday.  It was a quiet one and I'd love to have been more joyful over it, but since Ernie passed nothing seems the same. 

I think most of us all struggle as to where we go from here.  It's difficult of course, but takes time.  At my age there isn't as many distractions such as work which I do miss and try to volunteer to pass the time and keep myself out in society.  Glad you keep busy. 


Comment by Deb S on January 11, 2017 at 7:43am

Marsha, Happy Belated Birthday to you. I am glad that you celebrated your birthday with friends.

I am also glad that you found the movie "Crossing Guard" to be helpful. I think that all of us struggle with this question. I also frequently ask myself "What do I do from here?". I haven't a clue.

I continue to do busy work to keep myself occupied. I hope it will allow my mind to continue to heal and come up with an answer to where I go from here. Time will tell.


Comment by Marsha H on January 11, 2017 at 3:53am

TO ALL:  I was watching a movie called, 'Crossing Guard' with Jack Nicholson and David Morse.  Jack in the movie was in great pain over the loss of his 8 year old daughter killed by a drunk driver (David Morse.)  The movie was riveting (although mixed reviews) but most of those reviews you can bet were from people who never had such a great loss.

I was stunned when I watched a scene at grief counseling and the actor John Savage said it so perfectly and it answered a problem I've been having ...  he said, 'I can't find ME, I look in the mirror and don't recognize that person and where is ME?  Who is heading this mess?'  It was simple all of a sudden that losing a spouse is the same.  We are so connected and become one that when they pass away we can't find 'ME.'  Then the questions becomes, 'Why my spouse?'  That's what John Savage meant by his last sentence ...  who decides who lives or dies.  I found this movie profound and right on the mark.  Just thought I would share because I am having a difficult time finding 'ME.'

Hugs to all


Comment by Marsha H on January 11, 2017 at 3:47am

My dear friend Chuck ...  Thank you so much for the birthday wishes.  I celebrated with girlfriends at a restaurant on the Saturday as Tuesday when my birthday actually was is a working day.  This way we could relax and have fun.

Again thanks from the bottom of my heart and I do think of my big brothers you and Steve.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Sara Murphy on January 10, 2017 at 6:03pm

Corey...One of the best things about finding this site was finally being in touch with people who were thinking and feeling the things that I was.  I would come here and someone would have written something almost exactly as was in my head and I finally felt normal for thinking and feelings these things.  Before that, I thought something was wrong with people.   Unless you've lost a spouse you have no idea what it feels like.  I had people trying to compare it to losing other relatives but it's not the same and therefore the things they were saying to try to help were meaningless and not helpful.  I hope you'll find this site as helpful as I do. 

I wish I could say something to take the pain away but that's not possible.  Just know we're all here to support you so please come and vent any time you need to.   Right now it is terrifying to be alone.  I think about that everyday myself but I don't have young children to raise.   I'll pray that when the time is right, God will see to it that a father figure for your children will come into your life. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 10, 2017 at 5:51pm

Chuck......I thank you for your kind words.  I hope you and Steve continue coming to this site so we can keep up with you.

I'm so sorry the one friend you chose to call on your one year anniversary wanted to get off the phone so quickly.  Yes, it was certainly difficult for her on "that" day and she may not have wanted the feelings to re-surface but I wish she had thought about how you were feeling.  Obviously Larry was watching out for you which showed itself in his son calling you.  What a pretty and thoughtful flower arrangement he left.  Thanks for sharing the photo.

I had been planning to take the day off from work but because of some projects, I won't be able to.   Ken was cremated so I don't have to fit in a visit to a cemetery.  I have him here at home.  One of my sister's asked me if I wanted to get together for lunch and another couple of friends asked me to get together for dinner so that's what I'll do.  Ken's passing was also very difficult for our friends Glenn and Deanne.   Ken and Glenn were so close they called each other brothers from different mothers.   It's always nice to get together with friends who want to talk about Ken instead of being afraid to mention his name.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

Love, Sara

Comment by Corey on January 9, 2017 at 9:56pm

Sara it's those little things like you mentioned that are killing me now...looking over to see the empty couch where he'd sit.  It's still unthinkable to know I'm never going to touch him or kiss him goodnight again.   I'd do anything to be mad at him for leaving his shoes around.  I can't even imagine being with someone else but it also terrifies me to think I have to go through the rest of my life alone, with no father figure for my kids.  I wish you some peace over the next few days as I can't imagine how difficult it will be. You'll be in my thoughts 

Comment by Sheri Dettman on January 9, 2017 at 7:26pm

Corey, I'm keeping this short as I'm at work and am so far behind it's not even funny. I lost my husband in August after a less than 10 week battle with brain cancer so I'm pretty new as well. I still feel that I'm in a nightmare that I never can wake up from and it really doesn't seem real although we all know, unfortunately, know how real it is. I just want to say that everyone here is so incredibly supportive and helpful and everything that they are sharing with you will be helpful in some small way. I would suggest reading Widow to Widow as about a month after Bill died, a friend suggested it and it was helpful. There are things you'd never even think about unless someone who has been down this road warns you about. We all feel for you and ourselves. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 9, 2017 at 7:20pm

Dear Marsha,

Just a simple wish from a very grateful friend to my special Arch Angel - I hope your birthday tomorrow finds you well, at peace, and that no matter how much or little is planned, that you pause and think of myself and Steve sending you very big hugs and all our love - Happy Birthday dear Marsha, and many more.



Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 9, 2017 at 7:14pm

Hello Sara,

Thank you for your kind words. You must believe me when I say that I felt absolutely 100% about Larry the way you do about Ken. I actually got very upset when some friends even vaguely suggested that I might not spend the rest of my life alone, at least relationship-wise. I guess that's why I keep coming here trying to share the fact that as lonely and beaten as I was, I somehow made it through the early part of this awful journey of grieving. This week will be something you would never have envisioned having to endure, and my heart goes out to you knowing all too well what the 1 year anniversary of Larry's passing did to me.

That morning I only made one phone call, to someone who I thought of as Larry's and my closest friend for many years. The strain in her voice was either from the emotions summoned by memories of that day, because she was the person shuttling between floors in the hospital trying to find me and tell me what was happening in ICU with Larry.  She also was the face in the hospital room doorway I saw and knew Larry was gone. She was anxious to terminate the call, and I was left sitting staring out the window and crying harder than I had ever done. Suddenly the phone rang, and it was Larry's youngest son asking how I was managing and if I could meet him at the cemetery where he was going to place a flower arrangement from the 5 children - no one else was going. I regretfully told him I couldn't drive there due to my illness, and doubted I could see the road through my tears anyway, but wished I could be there for him so he wouldn't be alone. He said he understood, and that I could call him if I needed to any time that day. A few hours he called and described the arrangement...5 yellow mums and 1 red rose in the center, which was to represent me. He remembered that I had requested that 1 perfect red rose be the only flower from me at his memorial, placed on the box containing his ashes. Later I looked at a photo he had sent by email, and again cried, but felt some warm connection form permanently with him that day - as remains the case still.

I pray for you, dear friend, that in your sadness and tears, someone will do or say something to you that gives you the same sense of connection and peace, and that it will relieve some of your loneliness for a time. You remain always in my thoughts and prayers Sara, and I will be holding out my hand for you to grasp as I did many months ago when we first crossed paths here.

God Bless you -



PS - the photo attached sideways...sorry, I can't figure out how to fix it


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