Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 2 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10.
Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25.
Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by Deb S Sep 24.
Sorry you have to go through the Anniversary no one wants. It's almost a year, at times it seems like yesterday other times, long time ago. Me and Diane were set up by friend at work, we always messed with each other. Finally his wife called and said I don't blame you for not trusting Ted you can trust me she is nice I think you would like her. We set up a double date but wanted to meet first. We met at an Antique Place when she got out of the car, and I saw her she said I had the biggest smile that made her feel good. Half way through the date I told myself don't screw this up I think we could have something special. She told me she felt the same way too. Hope you have a tolerable day Sara.
Good Morning, today is one year since I lost the love of my life. I can't believe it's been that long, it seems like just yesterday. On the positive side, I'm now one year closer to being with him again.
At some point before we got married (in May 89), Ken wrote a song for me and although I didn't realize it at the time because I was so young, he knew instantly that we were soul mates. In fact, he told me on our second date that he would marry me. This is a verse from his song that indicates I was his soul mate:
"Now I need you for a lifetime, the other half that makes me whole. You've become such a part of me, to lose you now would mean the end. Our spirits begin to intertwine, your thoughts have become mine. Two souls joined in one, a bond between cannot be undone"
I don't know how he knew, he was only 22 when he wrote that. Truer words could not have been spoken.
Brenda ... Having problems with the link where you sent your message and will keep trying.
Sherri ... What you are going through is very normal and you just cry when you want to, sleep when you want to and don't let anyone tell you that your grief should be over at a certain time frame. We each grieve differently. Your post really hit the nail on the head. I have to admit that coming up in April it will be 6 years since my beloved Ernie passed and I talk to him all the time, but, as you said, the loneliness is the worst part of it.
I have a double whammy. I'm retired and just turned 75 although people say I don't look it (good genes) but still, I'm treated like I've got one foot on a banana peel and one in the grave and it hurts. I get treated often like a China doll mainly because I'm petite, but have loads of energy and ready to be helpful in any aspect of my life. I am still in my home and do all the work and also have a lot of gardens which I maintain so how old can I be! It's not easy trying to meld in with people my age because often they are having health issues and so far (thank God) I don't have any serious health issues, but I'm aware this isn't going to last forever so I want to live each day to the fullest. It's not as easy as it seems and I've joined many things hoping to make new friends and I have, but they don't socialize much. I have decided this year I'm going for the younger crowd and have been invited out to a club by an woman acquaintance and her husband and they are in their mid 50's. I just can't get my older friends to move a muscle and it makes me feel all the lonelier so hope my 90 degree turn for a bit younger crowd helps me get out more socially.
Sometimes I get so lonely that I can cry at the drop of a hat. Legacy helps a great deal, but it's where we live and who we are around that can make you lonely.
Coming onto Legacy brings us back to reality that we truly aren't alone and this is our 2nd family who truly understands what each of us is going through. It has saved my life.
So my dear friend, just go at your own pace and know all the feelings you are experiencing are very normal. You have the right attitude of keeping busy and I would be walking my dogs more, but we've had a lot of snow and now ice on top of that so walking isn't in the cards right now and oh, how I miss it (so do my dogs. LOL)
The last part of your post, struck home with me. I had to read it a couple of times, sums everything up in a couple of sentences.
I know that we are all in the same boat. So although it doesn't make me feel any better, it does make me feel less alone. Because really, the "aloneness" of it all is really the worst part, I think
Well done Sheri
Sara, Marsha, Harold and all...will check out that movie as it sounds helpful. And happy belated birthday, Marsha. I think of all of you pretty much every morning when I do my walk and talk to Bill on my way to the gym. It's only about 5 minutes each way but it helps me set up the rest of my day. When I think of all of you (and myself), it's to wonder how all of us get thru each day with the grief of what we have in our hearts? It's less than 5 months for me since Bill passed and I cry multiple times per day with the sorrow of it all. I know that we are all in the same boat. So although it doesn't make me feel any better, it does make me feel less alone. Because really, the "aloneness" of it all is really the worst part, I think. That and all the questions that we'll never have answers for. I continue to keep all of you in my heart and pray for peace for all of us.
Marsha....I've not heard of that movie but I'll have to try to watch it sometime. One thing I'm not sure is possible in my situation is finding ME. I met Ken when I was 20 yrs old. He was a daily part of my life since the day we met. Nobody is the same person now as they were at 20 whether or not you've lost a spouse. The only ME I know is the one that has Ken intertwined with me. I'm not sure where I go from here.
Steve ... What a beautiful post and thank you for sharing; it truly brought tears to my eyes, but I know one thing; you're going to make it! You're half way there my big brother!
I know exactly what you mean when you reflect back on your own youth. I've done the same thing and once I was shy and introverted and hid out just like you because I didn't seem to fit in with the 'in kids.' It wasn't until one day a girl at school who was extremely poor and couldn't afford good clothing and was being bullied by a group of the 'elite girls' in school out in the baseball field. So clearly I remember saying to myself, 'Enough is enough!' I saw this poor girl with dust being thrown in her face by these girls and the tears she shed leaving muddy streaks down her face. I felt as if I had shed heavy armor and raced into the middle of that ring of girls with my little fists held high ready to poke the first one to make a move. To my surprise they were afraid of me and of course from then on I was ostracized even more by these so-called 'elite girls' and for the first time in my young life I didn't give a damn and I realized I was my own person! I was ME! That poor girl and I became friends for years and what a great friend she was. Out of this I realized I was not a follower either and didn't need to be a part of any popular group. I was wise even then beyond my years and that was a gift from God as well as a strict upbringing by my parents.
I also go by this quote throughout my life, 'Each person that comes into your life leaves an imprint on you.' Sometimes it's bad and you simply move on, but thankfully most of the time it's a good experience. We were never meant to be perfect, but from experiences in life we learned from our mistakes and when we met the love of our life finally this only enriched who we were to become. How lucky all of us were to have had the chance to love someone so deeply and to have that love returned many times over. As cruel as grief can be, I still feel we were such lucky people to be blessed with our spouses.
You have wondered what you would change to bring you where you are today. You may have changed some traits in your life when you were with Mark, but I believe every single experience from the time we are young to when we become adults is a path that we are so fortunate to travel to bring us to the true love of our life we should be with no matter how short the time is with them. Would I change my past and a lot of pain I went through, no! If I did that I would never had met my beloved Ernie and have other blessed things in my life. Legacy has even enriched my life and I have found a second family that totally understands me without question. We are still learning and we will learn until the day we pass away. From our spouses we have learned so much and it adds to our own wisdom and we pay it forward to help others and to keep their memory alive. I have read that when we die we will see how simple everything really was with our time on earth and it all makes sense, but until that time we will always wonder 'why this or that.'
Thanks you as always for the lovely compliment and I feel so honored to be part of this family. Also, thank you for your kind birthday wishes.
Much love big brother
Harold ... Without our spouses much of what we do is 'just another day', but I'm hoping that will change.
I had to giggle when you said you were born on Mother's Day. Reminds me of Rodney Dangerfield jokes ...
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
Many of the reviews from people were way off the mark regarding 'Crossing Guard.' One in particular said that the slow motion camera was too much when Nicholson was walking down the street, but I got it ... he was in deep grief and the world around him was moving slow and he wasn't paying any attention to what was around him. I could sure relate to that and I thought the slow motion was a perfect way to portray that. I hope you do see it as it's well played.
Just like you and Diane, Ernie and I were very entwined as well and we could even fill in the ending of our sentences. I am still looking for me and it's coming back slowly. Actually after 1 1/2 years I laughed out loud for the first time since Ernie's death and scared myself. Finding 'me' is a puzzle, but little by little the pieces will come back to us.
Harold,I know what you're saying about your spouse making you feel worthy and loved so very much,My Dale had a way of making me feel like the most beautiful lady in the world.I had never thought of my outer self as beautiful.I was also raised in a very negative home.Then I was married too a person for 27 years who tottally depended on me for every thing.As long as things went his way and he was happy everything was good with the world.It took me so long to except the new found feelings of hugs.holding hands,having car doors opened for me and being told over and over how beautiful I was,My Dale was a true gentleman and I was so proud of that fact.He showed respect and kindness to everyone.He also had a great sense of humor even though he also carried so much pain from his past.what I wouldn't give to hold his hand one more time,but I know I wouldn't be able to except just one.
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