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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1326
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane Jul 1. 13 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on January 25, 2017 at 4:05pm

Sheri,  Yes, I do watch that show.  I agree, there are certain things we never would have thought of before going through this.  It's nice to see it depicted as close to reality as possible.

Comment by Sheri Dettman on January 25, 2017 at 10:23am

Are any of you watching This Is Us? If you are, you'll know why I asked. I believe they really nailed the death of a spouse. The talking to them as if they are there, the items around the house that you don't move. I never would have thought about it before or known the difference. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 15, 2017 at 6:30pm

Sheri.......I still have the bags I brought home from the hospital untouched.  I'll also never go through his closet and discard his clothing.  I know many people prefer to donate the clothing since our spouse won't be needing them but I prefer to keep it.   You just have to go at your own pace and it's not easy.  I often don't know how I'm going to make it through. 

I'm glad you got out to the concert.  Music is such an emotional thing.  I'm sure it was difficult to get through your special song.  But you know, whenever you hear those special songs it means your loved one is with you at that moment so Bill was with you at the concert as I'm sure he is everyday.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on January 15, 2017 at 5:32pm

Brenda

 I still miss and think of Diane everyday probably always will. Don't worry about moving on so soon, Dale was your Life you don't put that aside so easy. I would suggest you allow yourself to grieve, it hurts like hell but there aren't any shortcuts. If you try to deny your grief it will come out in a worse way at a latter date. Everybody is different, it's been almost a year for me. I joined a Gym and working with a personnel trainer, after Christmas. Two reasons I joined, was having breakfast with some friends they all started in on there problems, Heart Attacks, joint replacements, got to me Didn't have much to say. I realize I'm pretty fortunate should do something to keep my good health. Second reason like it or not I have to build a life for my self without Diane, it gets me out of the house meet new people and exercise is good for the mind. I am retired and 64, don't know for sure what a life without Diane means but know I won't find it sitting on the couch. I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. I'm not one who feels her presence with me all the time, but the confidence and the feeling better about myself are a gift from here because of the Love she showed me that time will never take away.  

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 15, 2017 at 4:38pm

Brenda........You're only 2 weeks into your grief journey.  It's way too soon for you to put pressure on yourself to move on.  I just had my one year anniversary without Ken and still have no intentions of ever moving on.  I'll do the best that I can while I'm here but my end game is to be with him again.  I too talk to Ken all day long.  Sometimes I apologize to him for talking so much.

I applaud you for going to your church service.  That may seem small to outsiders but we know how huge that is. 

Comment by Sheri Dettman on January 15, 2017 at 12:57pm

Brenda, I talk to my Bill all day, every day. I just spent half an hour with unstoppable tears as I was folding laundry that had been piling up for 2 weeks. I had washed some of Bill's shirts that had been in his suitcase from the hospital that I just finally got around to opening after 5 months. Seeing his clothes just sent me over the edge. I still haven't done anything about the closet. I just can't seem to do it quite yet. I went to see Vanessa Williams last night and towards the end of the concert, she sang a song from Show Boat (I think) and it was all about "Bill". I tell you that I kept it together, but just barely. I too, remember holding hands and I still reach out at night, in bed and hope to feel his hand in mine. It's unbelievable the heartbreak that we go thru and somehow keep breathing thru. Most days I just think to myself that I just don't know how I'm going to do it and then I do. I keep telling myself that Bill's death has had such an impact on so many people and that that must be God's plan. To make the people that knew him more aware of how they treat their loved ones and to appreciate them more. I only wish that he was still here so that I could do the same.

Comment by brenda may on January 14, 2017 at 7:05am

Marsha,Thank you so much for your kind words.I hope today finds you happy and healthy.Yesterday was a small milestone in my journey here on earth without my sweet Dale.I continue to talk too him daily.Good morning honey,are you ready to have lunch with me honey,goodnight sweetheart,sweet dreams.I love you sweetheart.I can here his voice so clear at times.I LOVE YOU PRECIOUS...I will never forget any of the words of the love we shared.I know I need to move on as he said but have no idea how too do this yet.I can only see today.I will attend church tomorrow and my only thought is..how to sit through the service without him holding my hand as he always did..It 's amazing how we take those moments for granted sometimes.Sometimes my fingers would be numb where he would hold my hand so long..GOD how I miss that...I'm sure you understand these emotions all too well.It's only been two weeks now and I know in time this emptiness will get easier to cope with.I also have a little dog that Dale had gotten for my birthday 2 years ago.At the time she had a different name that we didn't think was right for her.I had decided to rename her Angle.At that time Dale had said that's a good name for her precious,you will watch over mommy he would say.When Dale was sick,she was so protective of him.when he passed she would search every corner of the house for him.When i cried she would get so upset and try to make me stop,I would have to put her in her crate at times and still she would cry until I stopped crying.Now I understand her purpose for me.Thank you sweet Marsha again for your kind and understanding words.

Comment by Marsha H on January 14, 2017 at 3:57am

Dear Brenda ...  Answered your other message (glitch on the forum made me late replying.)

I am so proud of you for going to the church and doing what you and Dale did together and I know it was no easy feat.  I also believe he was there!  Many of us have felt our loved ones close by,  These people will be a great support system for you.  I understand having to leave off and on and having a cry, but that's very normal and it will get easier for you.  You may find you tire out much quicker than usual, but just keep taking those baby steps forward and in time you'll become much stronger yet once again.

I still feel at times when I get home that Ernie will be there to greet me with that big grin on his face and a bear hug.  I miss that most of all.  I still have his work jacket and baseball cap hanging on the hook in the hall as if I expect him to walk through that door at anytime although now after 6 years I know it will never be, but it gives me some peace of mind.  It is so difficult to come home to an empty house and I have a little trick where I leave the radio or TV on just to hear a human voice.  I also have two small dogs that have been a God-send to me and keep me getting them out for walks. 

I totally understand the fact you know you left Dale somewhere, but don't know where.  I still feel like I can go to the hospital as I use to do before Ernie got very ill and just pick him up and bring him home where I could look after him, but know he's not there any longer.  I once almost drove to the hospital just to go up and see him and then remembered he was in Hospice and I almost drove there to see if he was still there, but deep in the recess of my mind I knew the truth ...  he was gone and no longer in pain and at peace.  I still can find my mind wandering remember my dear Ernie when I'm out with family or friends, but I'm learning to enjoy life a little more now (take time and grief is different for everyone and there is no set time to stop grieving.)  I often ache for Ernie as you do Dale.  I will wrap myself up in his bathrobe just to try and feel close to him again.

You are a sweetheart to give us your blessings in your post when you are hurting so badly yourself.  You are in my prayers Brenda.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by brenda may on January 13, 2017 at 8:52pm

Hello hoping to find everyone as healthy and happy as you can be today,I was able to leave my home for the first day since my sweat heart Dales funeral.I felt compelled to do what Dale loved doing on Fridays which was volunteering at our community church.I must say it was almost unbearable when I first arrived.We started putting the food boxes together and I would have to excuse myself to go too the restroom and cry.But each time I returned got a little easier.He loved this small group of people so much,he considered them to be his brothers and sisters trying to feed the hungry.Every corner every face every sound reminded me of Dale and his presence there.I would at times exspect him to walk through the door and say precious...Are we ready to give out now? although the hardest part was coming home to an empty house that used to feel so full.I honestly felt like he was still not feeling well and was waiting on me to come home.I dont have any idea where to from here.I'ts like I just need to be where I left him last but dont quite know where that is if that makes any sense to anyone.Even though I know he is know longer in pain and at peace.For me I only feel empty.

Comment by Marsha H on January 13, 2017 at 4:12pm

Corey ...  Just wanted to let you know that it's been almost 6 years since my beloved Ernie passed.  I was in shock for the first year and sometimes even today can't believe he is gone.  The anger you are going through is very normal and I went through it myself.  The 'why us' to 'what did I do to deserve losing my spouse.'  All this is normal and because there are no direct answers to any of these questions it angers us.  The anger will pass.  It is difficult enough for widows to raise children, but doubly hard for a widower to raise his children.  When you feel angry look into your children's eyes and know they miss their mother too and try to make the best of it that you can with your children.  Even through tears and heartache a smile to children worth a thousand words.  Children also worry because they have lost a mother that their father will leave them as well so it's so important you reassure them as best you can that you will be there for them.  I am so happy you open to seeking help from a therapist.  The anger will pass Corey and I know you can't understand this, but one day you will have a future and meet someone.  No, they will never replace your first love, but we can all love again. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs

Marsha

 

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