Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10. 3 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 28, 2017 at 6:40pm

Hello Harold,

I know this weekend is very hard on you, and just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers especially as you face the 1 year anniversary of your losing your beautiful Diane.

Take care of yourself my friend - you might not believe me when I say this, but you have strength in you greater than you imagine. Please let us know how you are doing when you feel like it - we all love you.

Peace to you Harold,



Comment by Sara Murphy on January 26, 2017 at 5:46pm

Tiffany,  I'm sorry your husband's mother doesn't seem to recognize that you're grieving.  It's easy to do while she's so immersed in her own grief over the loss of a child, she's not thinking beyond that.  Chuck offers good advice about calmly bringing it to her attention.  You may not have been married but were living with him so the items in "his" home are yours to do with whatever you'd like.  Corey had a good idea of putting items of your choosing in a box to give to his mother.  This way you ensure you'll keep the more precious items to you. 

I pretty much have everything of my husbands', all his clothes, shoes and other items.  You don't need to spend any time thinking about what to do with his stuff right now.  It's too soon to put that pressure on yourself. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 26, 2017 at 11:21am

Hello Tiffany,

I'm so sorry for your sudden loss that has brought you here. I lost my husband Larry almost two years ago after 32 years together, the last 7 being married. He has grown children, grandchildren, a sister and an ex-wife, all of whom were devastated. I was in the hospital when he passed, and was unable to do much of anything from my bed, so all arrangements were handled by his "real" family. My name wasn't mentioned once at the memorial they planned.

Within a few months comments began to surface about what I was going to do with his things (Including the furnishings of our home together). Finally someone walked through the kitchen carrying something we had bought on vacation as a special memento saying that it was going into a garage sale, since I probably wouldn't want to keep everything when I moved - this was less than three months after losing him. I calmly said to put it back and to kindly stop making decisions about my life and plans for me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know your husband's mother is going through terrible grief, and my heart and prayers go out to her. I just hope you can find a time and place where you feel you can say gently that there are things of his that you want to keep, and that right now going back to the home again and again is taking a toll on you emotionally, so would she try to understand that you want to help both of you get through this awful place you find yourselves in but need to experience your own grieving in order to be there for her.

I believe this family here is a good place for you to sound your feelings and concerns, finding compassionate people and no judgement. I hope you find some peace today, and as your 3rd anniversary approached know that you are in my thoughts and prayers -



Comment by Corey on January 26, 2017 at 11:02am
Tiffany that just sucks, I'm sorry she's giving you a hard time. My father in law was very shut off from me and my kids for a while bc it was just too painful for him to deal with. It is a different kind of pain then what they're dealing with and I don't think they can even fathom the pain we feel. We lost our "person" The one who we called first, cried and laughed with, laid with every night and now all of that is just gone, ripped away. No one can take away those memories, no matter what. If it were me, I would try to go back home when you're ready and put aside what you want to keep and give her a small box of some things that weren't as special. Tell her the rest is yours, don't let her pressure you into anything. I still can't be in my bedroom for longer than to get my clothes and get out bc it's just too painful. I have my kids to drown out the horrible quiet void that is left from my husband, I imagine it's harder when you're alone. Good luck dealing with her, grief makes people do crazy things,
Comment by Tiffany Phillips on January 26, 2017 at 10:36am

I wish I was in a better situation with his belongings.  We've lived together for 3 years, but because we weren't married, yet, his mom was in charge of everything.  I cannot imagine losing a child and I cannot image her pain either.  My pain is completely different, losing my other half.  I'm not saying mine is worse than hers at all, but it hurts just the same.  I'm not ready to go back to the house, I'm not ready to stay there while it's so empty and quiet.  She insists that I keep going back for the most random things to give her because she just has to have them; beard trimmer, shoes, phone charger, etc.  At some point I need to put my foot down or I will have nothing left of him in our home.  She wants his coat, shoes, and other stuff now.  It hurts, and I know it's not intentional but I almost feel like she is trying to erase him from my life.  I don't want to give up his shirts.  Most of them, I bought him anyhow, but those are something he wore and touched, and I'm no where near ready to part with.

Comment by Sheri Dettman on January 26, 2017 at 9:51am

Marsha, it's not a comedy. You can probably pull up the past episodes online. It's a new show so there's not that many. Has a great message and is the number one show which is nice.

You are not interfering. I know that clothes are one of the hardest things and I can see why. Bill also has a home office and a home video studio. We each worked about 10 hours a day on our business so everything that I do has Bill's touch on it. He was a marketing and business genius and my whole team always asks "What would Bill do" and then we have the right answer. 

If anyone from this group is ever in the Palm Springs area, please let me know. I'd love to meet you in person.

Comment by Marsha H on January 26, 2017 at 5:13am

Sherri ...  Thanks for the tip on 'This Is Us.'  I'm going to start watching it.  I just thought it was another comedy and by-passed it.  Hope I can see that one re death of a spouse.

Hope I'm not interfering, but as far as going through your spouse's clothing there is no set time and you will know when the time is right.  It took me a few months, but I kept his bathrobe, a couple of sweaters and T-Shirt and to this day his work jacket and baseball cap are still hanging on a peg in the hall and I doubt I'll ever take it down and give it away as it just brings peace to me.  It's very normal to want to hang onto your spouse's possessions and a good idea not to rush it as sometimes one can give things away they wished they hadn't.

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 25, 2017 at 4:05pm

Sheri,  Yes, I do watch that show.  I agree, there are certain things we never would have thought of before going through this.  It's nice to see it depicted as close to reality as possible.

Comment by Sheri Dettman on January 25, 2017 at 10:23am

Are any of you watching This Is Us? If you are, you'll know why I asked. I believe they really nailed the death of a spouse. The talking to them as if they are there, the items around the house that you don't move. I never would have thought about it before or known the difference. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 15, 2017 at 6:30pm

Sheri.......I still have the bags I brought home from the hospital untouched.  I'll also never go through his closet and discard his clothing.  I know many people prefer to donate the clothing since our spouse won't be needing them but I prefer to keep it.   You just have to go at your own pace and it's not easy.  I often don't know how I'm going to make it through. 

I'm glad you got out to the concert.  Music is such an emotional thing.  I'm sure it was difficult to get through your special song.  But you know, whenever you hear those special songs it means your loved one is with you at that moment so Bill was with you at the concert as I'm sure he is everyday.


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