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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1315
Latest Conversations: 23 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Marsha H Feb 14. 4 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 4, 2017 at 2:45pm

Steve

I love that poem says every thing think that we all feel and wish everybody understood'. Thanks for posting it.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 4, 2017 at 2:43pm

Thanks to all the people that offered support on the 1 year anniversary of Diane's death. It still amazes me how sometimes it seems a short time since I have seen her, and other times seems like forever like a distant memory.  When you are talking months since her passing it sounds like such a short time, when it  is over a year it seems so final so done so finished. I joined a gym the first of the year, work out 3 times a week with a personal trainer. It's going well, I can feel the difference. I have meant a few people and feel good about myself for doing it. I still have my bad days, not much you can do but grin and bear it. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 4, 2017 at 12:08am

Steve ...  What a truthful and well written poem and I hope you don't mind I copied and printed it out?  I feel just like you do and detest the quips of what I should do or feel and I simply ignore it realizing these people don't understand, but most of all forgive them because they just don't like to see us so sad. 

Big hug

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 3, 2017 at 8:01pm

Steve.......I love that.  It says so perfectly how we all think and feel but will not say to those who try but fail to comfort us.

Comment by Steve on February 3, 2017 at 3:05pm

Dear Family,

Thought I would re post a poem I found soon after my loss, it says a lot and I found it today while going thru my computer documents :

“Friends and Family … Don’t tell me how to grieve”

Don’t tell me that you understand

Don’t tell me that you know

Don’t tell me that I will survive

How I will surely grow.

Don’t tell me this is just a test

That I am truly blessed

That I am chosen for this task

Apart from all the rest.

Don’t come with me with answers

That can only come from me

Don’t tell me how my grief will pass

That I will soon be free

Don’t stand in pious judgment

Of the bonds I must untie

Don’t tell me how to suffer

And don’t tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness

My pain is all I see

But I need you, I need your love

Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs

I need someone to share

Just hold my hand and let my cry

And say, ‘My friend I care’

Comment by georgia on January 31, 2017 at 7:58pm
Hi everyone, it has been a long time since I posted.
I am sorry for all the new members for your loss.
It has been 3 1/2 yrs. plus two weeks since I lost my husband .
It all happened in seven weeks pancriatic Cancer.
I just want to say to all the new members that people will and do make stupid comments, I found that just shaking my head and walking away from people they get the message.
And as far as the clothes and personal items I still have them.
I have decided to make three quilts one for each child and one for myself. ( someone had suggested the quilts on this forum.)

With understanding and shared hope for all.
Georgia.
Comment by Marsha H on January 30, 2017 at 3:19pm

Sheri ...  forgot to tell you I live just outside of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.  It frustrates me that most on Legacy live in the U.S. and I do believe there is one or two of us that are Canadians.  It would be so wonderful to meet as a group and put a face to our posts.

Comment by Marsha H on January 30, 2017 at 3:18pm

Gretchen ... It's wonderful to hear from you and that you are trying the best you can through this difficult time. You are encouraging to all of us and thank you for that.

Comment by Marsha H on January 30, 2017 at 3:14pm

Tiffany ...  I certainly feel your pain with going through your 3rd anniversary without your beloved by your side.  It's sad that you didn't have more than 3 years together and we can ask ourselves 'why us?'  I have never gotten an answer to that question.  When Ernie passed away we just missed our 40th anniversary and also my 70th birthday and like you, I felt cheated.  I also felt angry and my faith faltered and I'm trying to gain that back.  Grief is so complicated and we never really get the answers as to why our spouses had to pass on.  Hearing, 'We were lucky to have had that time together' doesn't always cut it.  To this day after 6 years of Ernie's passing I still tear-up on Valentine's Day (that's a bummer and coming up soon) and also our wedding anniversary.  I buy a helium balloon and write love notes on it and take it to his favorite place by the river and let it fly off to the heavens.  It gives me some modicum of peace, but it never really fills in that hole in your heart.  I've learned to cry, get it out of my system and move forward as best I can.  It does get a little easier as time goes by, but whatever is in our future they will always hold a special place in our hearts.

As far as people saying you are young and will find someone else these people mean well, but just don't get it and it's the last thing anyone should say when someone is in raw grief.  No matter if you were together a short time or a long time grief is a process we all have to go through. 

I am so happy to hear you are going to grief counseling.  I went for 3 years.  The first time I felt OK with others in my position, but I didn't feel I was feeling much better so I went for another year and it did help.  Just knowing others are going through this horrific grief gives us some peace. You go at your own pace and try not to listen to comments made by well-meaning family or friends.  They mean no harm.  The only consolation is that one day they too will be facing grief of their someone they love dearly and then they'll understand how our hearts break and how lonely we can feel as well as trying to find ourselves in this mess of grief and make something of it.  In time when you have been through the grief process you will go on with your future and realize we will always carrying our beloved in our hearts forever and it was a wonderful experience to have them in our lives for a short or long while.  Until then just take baby steps and do what you think it right in your own time-frame.

Comment by Tiffany Phillips on January 30, 2017 at 2:48pm

The thing that seems to bother me most, is people saying, "You're young still, you won't be alone forever, you'll meet someone."  But when you are convinced that you found the love of your life, only to have him ripped away.. how can you even listen or have hope that you won't be alone forever.  I know people are well meaning, but right now I'm struggling to process basic decisions.

 

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