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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Corey on February 5, 2017 at 10:25pm
I can relate to the double life feeling as well. (I'll be honest, it makes me so sad to know that even years down the road I'll still be feeling this). I am a kindergarten teacher and have 2 young kids soI have two different personalities...when I'm at work and with my kids and another for when I'm alone. None of the little people in my life need to see the empty shell that I feel Ive turned into, they don't need to see the constant pain on my face that I feel on the inside. It's only been three months so I don't expect to be happy, I just can't imagine walking through life with this much pain in my heart.
Comment by Marsha H on February 5, 2017 at 3:31pm

Harold ...  I suppose that's the way our brain works to keep us going, but often I don't care for that feeling.  Sometimes I really want to go back as things were, yet it's impossible and I think we all feel that way.  We just want a second chance.  I know you'll never forget your sweet Diane and I sure won't forget Ernie, but by now we know we just have to move on and I know our spouses would want us to do that.  You are lucky you don't have a lot of snow and so many things I look forward to such as Bible Study and volunteering to adopt dogs from a shelter are cancelled and I sure feel it.  Oh, I keep busy around the house and try to get the dogs out for a bit of a walk, but limited with all the snow.  I am very lucky to have a good neighbor and also that young man who I call, 'My angel' because he's always here for me if I need him and he's only in his mid-20's and how many young people today make themselves available for seniors.  Not many!  Today is Super Bowl so the streets are extremely quiet and I have the TV on just to hear some human voices.  I never thought I would end up this way.  It makes me sad once again because for special sports games I would often make up food and Ernie would invite some of his friends over and I'd go out while they all watched the game.  I don't even cook meals the same without him here. 

Diane's plaque is absolutely beautiful from the photo you left some time ago.  I can understand how you would feel strange looking at it as if you were in the Twilight Zone.  We are stuck between 2 realities and I am like you and don't know which one to choose depending on my frame of mind.

I sure understand about loneliness and that's the biggest problem I have.  I meet a lot of people and I'm very extroverted and people like me, but that's as far as it goes.  I don't find my personal life going in a good direction at this time no matter how hard I try.  People move on and are absorbed in their own lives be it good or bad.  In fact, I felt so lonely Saturday night because on the Friday my girlfriend comes over to visit, but we cancelled because of the heavy snow.  She really wanted to come over and I really needed to have some company before I went stark raving mad and so desperate I headed out in the snow and picked her up and brought her back to my house (white knuckled all the way.  LOL)  We had a nice evening, but of course our weather is all over the place and it started to snow again.  That's when I learned a long time ago whatever problem there is it can be resolved in some way and I figured that if the roads were bad I'd send her home in a cab.   I did get her home on my own steam and yes, the roads were a bit dicey, but I made it and it seems I'm challenging myself all the time and amazed at what I can conquer in my life alone.

I hope you are having a good day my friend and it's so great talking to you.  Remember, Diane is there for you and I know Ernie is here for me.  Take comfort in that Harold. 

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 5, 2017 at 8:57am

Marsha

That's exactly the way I feel was I really Married 13 years or have I been single the whole time and dreamed about being Married to Diane. Not that i'm forgetting her I think it's just the way the mind handles it. We haven't gotten a lot of snow, temperature jumping around a lot. Glad you got someone to help you out with snow removal. Like you have said I find the loneliness is the hardest thing to deal with. I have Diane's plaque that was in Garden sitting were I can see it. Sometimes it feels so strange looking at it like I'm in a Twilight Zone Episode, stuck between 2 realities don't know which one is real. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 4, 2017 at 6:26pm

Harold ...  It does seem such a short time our spouse's passed away and then suddenly it does seem like a distant memory.  It's been almost 6 years since Ernie passed and every so often I wonder if our marriage was all a dream and I woke up to reality. 

I am so happy to hear you are doing better and have a personal trainer and exercise is one of the top things to help with a griever's mental attitude.  I go for dog walks.  Also great you've met some nice people. 

It's normal to have ups and downs, but as our future changes and hopefully for the better things will even out.

We are really getting a blast of snow and it's constant shoveling and thank God, I have my neighbor helping me, but he's not a youngster either so I hired a young man to take over and give my neighbor a well deserved rest.  I'm able to drive in the snow thank heavens, but these are some of the times I took for granted when Ernie was here and drove me around.

I hope you are having a good day.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 4, 2017 at 2:45pm

Steve

I love that poem says every thing think that we all feel and wish everybody understood'. Thanks for posting it.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 4, 2017 at 2:43pm

Thanks to all the people that offered support on the 1 year anniversary of Diane's death. It still amazes me how sometimes it seems a short time since I have seen her, and other times seems like forever like a distant memory.  When you are talking months since her passing it sounds like such a short time, when it  is over a year it seems so final so done so finished. I joined a gym the first of the year, work out 3 times a week with a personal trainer. It's going well, I can feel the difference. I have meant a few people and feel good about myself for doing it. I still have my bad days, not much you can do but grin and bear it. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 4, 2017 at 12:08am

Steve ...  What a truthful and well written poem and I hope you don't mind I copied and printed it out?  I feel just like you do and detest the quips of what I should do or feel and I simply ignore it realizing these people don't understand, but most of all forgive them because they just don't like to see us so sad. 

Big hug

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 3, 2017 at 8:01pm

Steve.......I love that.  It says so perfectly how we all think and feel but will not say to those who try but fail to comfort us.

Comment by Steve on February 3, 2017 at 3:05pm

Dear Family,

Thought I would re post a poem I found soon after my loss, it says a lot and I found it today while going thru my computer documents :

“Friends and Family … Don’t tell me how to grieve”

Don’t tell me that you understand

Don’t tell me that you know

Don’t tell me that I will survive

How I will surely grow.

Don’t tell me this is just a test

That I am truly blessed

That I am chosen for this task

Apart from all the rest.

Don’t come with me with answers

That can only come from me

Don’t tell me how my grief will pass

That I will soon be free

Don’t stand in pious judgment

Of the bonds I must untie

Don’t tell me how to suffer

And don’t tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness

My pain is all I see

But I need you, I need your love

Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs

I need someone to share

Just hold my hand and let my cry

And say, ‘My friend I care’

Comment by georgia on January 31, 2017 at 7:58pm
Hi everyone, it has been a long time since I posted.
I am sorry for all the new members for your loss.
It has been 3 1/2 yrs. plus two weeks since I lost my husband .
It all happened in seven weeks pancriatic Cancer.
I just want to say to all the new members that people will and do make stupid comments, I found that just shaking my head and walking away from people they get the message.
And as far as the clothes and personal items I still have them.
I have decided to make three quilts one for each child and one for myself. ( someone had suggested the quilts on this forum.)

With understanding and shared hope for all.
Georgia.
 

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