Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Steve Cain on February 6, 2017 at 8:52pm

Especially in the first year, especially if they were big days for you and your spouse or with family, holidays are difficult. What may surprise you is that days you might not have regarded as something special will suddenly hit you. My first holiday after I lost Kris was the 4th of July. Now most people might not think that would be notable but where we lived it was a big day. We had live entertainment and the fireworks were themed every year and set to music based on the theme. I spent most of the afternoon walking around our neighborhood crying. Always remember, and I have said this many times on here, what you are doing, what you choose to do on certain days, is right for you.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 6, 2017 at 2:36pm

Corey...As Marsha says, it's very normal to present two masks.  I have to fake my way through each day in order to get through a work day.  Also, if I don't fake it, then well meaning people say inappropriate things in an effort to help and I have less and less patience for it.  

Someone posted a reply to another person's Facebook post yesterday that I personally found upsetting although what she says is true.  About 8 months before Ken died, his cousin took her own life.  She's been gone for 18 or 19 months now and yesterday her husband posted that it would have been their 15th wedding anniversary.  Another one of Ken's cousins' lost her husband about 3 months before Ken died and she said "as the one we love becomes a memory, the memories become treasures".  It's a nice saying but it struck me because I've never considered Ken being a memory.  That just doesn't sound right to me.  As far as I'm concerned, his soul is alive and living in another dimension waiting for me to join him.  I can't explain why saying he's a memory doesn't feel right but it doesn't.  All of our shared memories are treasures...30 years worth of life, but to say he himself is a memory doesn't sit right with me. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2017 at 2:17pm

Tiffany - I know Valentine's Day is going to be very hard for you just after a month of your husband's passing.  Buy that card for him and buy a helium balloon writing love notes on it with a permanent pen and find his favorite place and let that balloon fly to the heavens.  It does bring a little peace.

Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2017 at 2:15pm

Harold ... You said it in a nut shell ... 'lucky them!'  Valentine's Day cuts to core for sure.  I was looking for a Valentine's card for my great-niece and of course right next to it is 'husband or wife' cards and I found myself in tears.  As I said I still buy Ernie a card, that helium balloon with love notes releasing it to the heavens on Valentine's Day along with tears.  I found on days such as this keeping busy helps and keeping away from crowded places where you see couples together either holding hands or eating dinner staring into each other's eyes.  I envy them and wonder if they know just how lucky they are.

Comment by Gretchen G on February 6, 2017 at 1:18pm
I know the feeling! And I'll be celebrating my birthday (the third one without Paul) the day after. I always use to make my own party plans (Paul never really was the party planning type) but it's just not the same anymore. A couple friends have asked what I was doing, and all I can say is, probably nothing. Just not thrilled to celebrate it anymore.
Hugs to you!
Comment by Gretchen G on February 6, 2017 at 1:12pm
The first holidays are definitely hard. Come here as often as you need - we're all here for you.
Comment by Tiffany Phillips on February 6, 2017 at 11:48am

Valentine's Day... 1 day short of a month from my other half's passing.  This holiday is going to be tough, beyond tough.

Comment by Corey on February 6, 2017 at 10:50am
Thank you Marsha, you give me some hope for the future. And I think the card and balloon idea is beautiful, not crazy.
Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 6, 2017 at 8:44am

Time for the onslaught of Valentines Day adds with Happy Couples enjoying themselves. Oh Boy Lucky Them 

Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2017 at 3:27am

Corey ...  When raw grief ends (everyone is different as far as the time it takes to get over raw grief) and time goes by, although we miss our spouses with all fiber of our being the sting isn't as intense and every so often you may even find yourself smiling at the wonderful memories you had together.  Oh yes, there could be a tear or two shed when we think of our spouses, but again, not as intense and we find out we had strength we never even imagined. 

Your two different personalities with the kindergarten kids is what some of us call 'two masks', one for being out in society whether it's doing a job, being around friends and then the real mask of how we feel deep inside kept in the secrecy behind the locked doors of our home.  It's very normal and most of us do that.  We may smile, laugh, joke, but somewhere deep inside of us there is still that hole and fleeting memories while keeping busy in our daily lives. 

You are still in very raw grief and everything you are feeling is very normal.  I promise the intense pain will be replaced when you realize the reality of starting your life over again and that your spouse would want you to be happy.  I do believe they are close to us giving us strength.  We always have that hope of one day when it's our time we'll be reunited again and until that time I try my best to make my beloved husband proud of me and now after 6 years after his death I am amazed at the strength I have and I'm retired, no children, but I keep plugging away.  I have surprised myself by laughing out loud, but I won't kid you and there are times such as Valentine's Day coming up that I miss Ernie a great deal.  It may sound crazy, but I still buy him a card and also buy a helium balloon with love notes on it and release it at his favorite place down by the river.  It brings me peace.

You are going to make it Corey and each day you get out of bed and pass on your loving ways with your kindergarten kids be proud of yourself for carrying that on so well and then, if you want to cry then cry and if you want to rest then rest all you can.  Eventually you'll begin to feel more into a routine, but your spouse will always have a place in your heart.


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