Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Corey on February 6, 2017 at 10:50am
Thank you Marsha, you give me some hope for the future. And I think the card and balloon idea is beautiful, not crazy.
Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 6, 2017 at 8:44am

Time for the onslaught of Valentines Day adds with Happy Couples enjoying themselves. Oh Boy Lucky Them 

Comment by Marsha H on February 6, 2017 at 3:27am

Corey ...  When raw grief ends (everyone is different as far as the time it takes to get over raw grief) and time goes by, although we miss our spouses with all fiber of our being the sting isn't as intense and every so often you may even find yourself smiling at the wonderful memories you had together.  Oh yes, there could be a tear or two shed when we think of our spouses, but again, not as intense and we find out we had strength we never even imagined. 

Your two different personalities with the kindergarten kids is what some of us call 'two masks', one for being out in society whether it's doing a job, being around friends and then the real mask of how we feel deep inside kept in the secrecy behind the locked doors of our home.  It's very normal and most of us do that.  We may smile, laugh, joke, but somewhere deep inside of us there is still that hole and fleeting memories while keeping busy in our daily lives. 

You are still in very raw grief and everything you are feeling is very normal.  I promise the intense pain will be replaced when you realize the reality of starting your life over again and that your spouse would want you to be happy.  I do believe they are close to us giving us strength.  We always have that hope of one day when it's our time we'll be reunited again and until that time I try my best to make my beloved husband proud of me and now after 6 years after his death I am amazed at the strength I have and I'm retired, no children, but I keep plugging away.  I have surprised myself by laughing out loud, but I won't kid you and there are times such as Valentine's Day coming up that I miss Ernie a great deal.  It may sound crazy, but I still buy him a card and also buy a helium balloon with love notes on it and release it at his favorite place down by the river.  It brings me peace.

You are going to make it Corey and each day you get out of bed and pass on your loving ways with your kindergarten kids be proud of yourself for carrying that on so well and then, if you want to cry then cry and if you want to rest then rest all you can.  Eventually you'll begin to feel more into a routine, but your spouse will always have a place in your heart.

Comment by Corey on February 5, 2017 at 10:25pm
I can relate to the double life feeling as well. (I'll be honest, it makes me so sad to know that even years down the road I'll still be feeling this). I am a kindergarten teacher and have 2 young kids soI have two different personalities...when I'm at work and with my kids and another for when I'm alone. None of the little people in my life need to see the empty shell that I feel Ive turned into, they don't need to see the constant pain on my face that I feel on the inside. It's only been three months so I don't expect to be happy, I just can't imagine walking through life with this much pain in my heart.
Comment by Marsha H on February 5, 2017 at 3:31pm

Harold ...  I suppose that's the way our brain works to keep us going, but often I don't care for that feeling.  Sometimes I really want to go back as things were, yet it's impossible and I think we all feel that way.  We just want a second chance.  I know you'll never forget your sweet Diane and I sure won't forget Ernie, but by now we know we just have to move on and I know our spouses would want us to do that.  You are lucky you don't have a lot of snow and so many things I look forward to such as Bible Study and volunteering to adopt dogs from a shelter are cancelled and I sure feel it.  Oh, I keep busy around the house and try to get the dogs out for a bit of a walk, but limited with all the snow.  I am very lucky to have a good neighbor and also that young man who I call, 'My angel' because he's always here for me if I need him and he's only in his mid-20's and how many young people today make themselves available for seniors.  Not many!  Today is Super Bowl so the streets are extremely quiet and I have the TV on just to hear some human voices.  I never thought I would end up this way.  It makes me sad once again because for special sports games I would often make up food and Ernie would invite some of his friends over and I'd go out while they all watched the game.  I don't even cook meals the same without him here. 

Diane's plaque is absolutely beautiful from the photo you left some time ago.  I can understand how you would feel strange looking at it as if you were in the Twilight Zone.  We are stuck between 2 realities and I am like you and don't know which one to choose depending on my frame of mind.

I sure understand about loneliness and that's the biggest problem I have.  I meet a lot of people and I'm very extroverted and people like me, but that's as far as it goes.  I don't find my personal life going in a good direction at this time no matter how hard I try.  People move on and are absorbed in their own lives be it good or bad.  In fact, I felt so lonely Saturday night because on the Friday my girlfriend comes over to visit, but we cancelled because of the heavy snow.  She really wanted to come over and I really needed to have some company before I went stark raving mad and so desperate I headed out in the snow and picked her up and brought her back to my house (white knuckled all the way.  LOL)  We had a nice evening, but of course our weather is all over the place and it started to snow again.  That's when I learned a long time ago whatever problem there is it can be resolved in some way and I figured that if the roads were bad I'd send her home in a cab.   I did get her home on my own steam and yes, the roads were a bit dicey, but I made it and it seems I'm challenging myself all the time and amazed at what I can conquer in my life alone.

I hope you are having a good day my friend and it's so great talking to you.  Remember, Diane is there for you and I know Ernie is here for me.  Take comfort in that Harold. 

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 5, 2017 at 8:57am


That's exactly the way I feel was I really Married 13 years or have I been single the whole time and dreamed about being Married to Diane. Not that i'm forgetting her I think it's just the way the mind handles it. We haven't gotten a lot of snow, temperature jumping around a lot. Glad you got someone to help you out with snow removal. Like you have said I find the loneliness is the hardest thing to deal with. I have Diane's plaque that was in Garden sitting were I can see it. Sometimes it feels so strange looking at it like I'm in a Twilight Zone Episode, stuck between 2 realities don't know which one is real. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 4, 2017 at 6:26pm

Harold ...  It does seem such a short time our spouse's passed away and then suddenly it does seem like a distant memory.  It's been almost 6 years since Ernie passed and every so often I wonder if our marriage was all a dream and I woke up to reality. 

I am so happy to hear you are doing better and have a personal trainer and exercise is one of the top things to help with a griever's mental attitude.  I go for dog walks.  Also great you've met some nice people. 

It's normal to have ups and downs, but as our future changes and hopefully for the better things will even out.

We are really getting a blast of snow and it's constant shoveling and thank God, I have my neighbor helping me, but he's not a youngster either so I hired a young man to take over and give my neighbor a well deserved rest.  I'm able to drive in the snow thank heavens, but these are some of the times I took for granted when Ernie was here and drove me around.

I hope you are having a good day.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 4, 2017 at 2:45pm


I love that poem says every thing think that we all feel and wish everybody understood'. Thanks for posting it.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 4, 2017 at 2:43pm

Thanks to all the people that offered support on the 1 year anniversary of Diane's death. It still amazes me how sometimes it seems a short time since I have seen her, and other times seems like forever like a distant memory.  When you are talking months since her passing it sounds like such a short time, when it  is over a year it seems so final so done so finished. I joined a gym the first of the year, work out 3 times a week with a personal trainer. It's going well, I can feel the difference. I have meant a few people and feel good about myself for doing it. I still have my bad days, not much you can do but grin and bear it. 

Comment by Marsha H on February 4, 2017 at 12:08am

Steve ...  What a truthful and well written poem and I hope you don't mind I copied and printed it out?  I feel just like you do and detest the quips of what I should do or feel and I simply ignore it realizing these people don't understand, but most of all forgive them because they just don't like to see us so sad. 

Big hug



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