Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1315
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Marsha H Feb 14. 4 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on March 1, 2017 at 9:16am

Marsha....I'm sorry about all this stress that your new clinic doctor is giving you.  I'm a firm believer that we all have to advocate for our own health and that means asking questions when we don't understand something.   If I were in your place I would be asking why he wants to wean me off, what are the possible health risks of continuing with this medication and what he plans to replace it with and possible health risks of that medication.  I would also make it clear that I want to continue on my current meds because they're working and if there's no significant health risk, then there's no reason to change.  I became somewhat aggressive in all conversations with Ken's doctors and nurses.  I wanted to know everything they were doing.  I do hope this doctor is willing to talk to you and if not, you may very well have to find someone else.

Comment by Marsha H on February 28, 2017 at 3:40pm

Sara ...  I won't repeat myself about my clinic doctor wanting to wean me off my medication (I'm only on one medication and at my age that's a miracle!)  I explained to Deb what was going on so you can read all about it there.  That is the only thing on my mind because this clinic doctor can ruin my life by doing this.  It's very difficult to get another here so I'm really upset right now.  I'm feeling not too bad and getting on my feet and some things are turning around in my life for the good so I don't want this doctor rocking the boat.  Not a good time to be doing this.

I also understand about you selling Ken's motorhome.  It has great memories and it's super hard to let go of it.  I had to do that with our camper and truck and sell it at a loss.  It broke my heart.  The worst of all was selling Ernie's ski boat because that was his favorite and I bawled my head off when the new owner drove it down the driveway.  It was like losing so much of Ernie.  I have since realized these are material things and we have great memories to hold in our hearts of the those good times traveling and camping out.

Our weather is so weird and the sun comes out and then suddenly without warning snow begins to fall, but thankfully just a skiff of white on the grass and the roads remain clear.  Still, it makes people jumpy and ruins many a day.  I'm just getting ready to take the dogs for a walk whether it snows or not.  Wish it would remain up on the mountains. 

I hope you are having a good day Sara.  I'm just trying to keep busy like you and Deb and get my mind off things.   find it difficult also to go out even with friends only to come home and Ernie isn't here.  I just put the TV on to hear a human voice.  That and my dogs help a little.

Comment by Marsha H on February 28, 2017 at 3:28pm

Deb S ... I seem to be in the spot you and Sara are in.  Trying hard to keep busy or make some heart-breaking decisions.  Right now I'm having a bad time with my new clinic doctor.  As you know clinic doctors give you 5 minutes and 10 if lucky.  My previous doctor retired (have seen and talked to him in Costco several times and he's not looking well.)  It seems so strange as he was such a vibrant man and so kind and I really miss not having him as my family doctor (Ernie and I were with him for 38 years.)  I and many of my family members suffer from major panic attacks or anxiety attacks and it's genetic.  My retired doctor put me on a medication that works well and gives me a quality of life.  The last time I went in to see my clinic doctor (they know very little about you even though one's records are on the computer) he told me last summer at my age I should stay on this particular medication, but just as I was leaving he suddenly sprung on me to make an appointment for March 6th as he wanted to slowly wean me off this medication which I've been on for 25 years!  Even slowly weaning off one can have seizures and an array of terrible side effects not to mention panic attacks hitting again and it can take up to a year or more for this medication to leave one's system.  I am doing well on the medication and I'm just starting to get my feet under me so I'm terrified he'll take me off this medication.  Why, I have no idea.  When weaning off it calls for support and I don't have any.  As you know I live alone and my immediate family isn't all that supportive.  This has just added to other issues I'm going through right now.  If he persists on weaning me off I will no option, but to find another doctor and that's like trying find a needle in a haystack.  Meanwhile, I try hard to keep busy and keep my mind of it.  I just feel so alone and always fighting an up-hill battle right now. 

We have threatening snow here right now.  It's frustrating as the sun comes out for an hour or two giving a false sense of no snow.  It's just on and off.  Thankfully it's just a skiff of snow and on the grass, but thankfully not on the roads so I can still get around.

I hope you are having a good day my friend.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 28, 2017 at 9:17am

Debbie,  I pretty much do what you do.....occupy myself with random stuff and daydreaming about what should have been.  I have a motorhome that I have to work on selling this summer.  Ken and I had so many good times with it so it'll be hard to sell but I'll never use it without him so there's no sense continuing the monthly payments.

Knowing that I'll reunite with Ken some day is the only way I can push myself through the days.  Maybe the day will come that I'll find joy again.  That's my wish for everyone here....that you'll all find the joy in life again.


Comment by Sara Murphy on February 28, 2017 at 9:08am

Marsha......I'm glad you've been busy with friends.  I hope the snow is easing up so you can out more.  It's hard to be cooped up for long stretches.  Like Deb, I hope it's more ups than downs.   I just push myself along through the day.  Work helps keep me focused during the daytime hours but it's still so hard to go home every night knowing Ken won't be there

Comment by Deb S on February 28, 2017 at 6:35am

Marsha, It is good to hear from you too. I hope you are having more ups than downs. It is good to hear that you are seeing friends frequently.  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on February 28, 2017 at 6:33am

Sarah, It is good to hear from you. How are you?

I am about the same. I find myself occupying my time day dreaming about random stuff. Should I buy a second house near my daughter? Maybe I'd like an RV or to travel. Perhaps I should go to a movie. Bottom line? I'm not searching for any of that stuff. I just want my dear husband back by my side. It sometimes seems like a constant internal battle just to focus on the here and now. Otherwise, I'm good.

I hope and pray everyone else is doing as good as can be expected. Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on February 27, 2017 at 9:07pm

Hi Sara ...  It sure has been quiet on here.  I've been taking care of loose ends regarding business and also been busy with seeing some friends.  I've had some ups and downs, but that is generally expected for all of us.

Hope you are doing well yourself.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 27, 2017 at 8:33pm

Hi Everyone....Our group has been quiet so I wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 18, 2017 at 8:26am


Don't feel bad about being angry, I know I went from feeling Love to anger than shame for being angry. Everyone goes through it, as Deb said your emotions will jump all over the place nothing orderly about grief. My wife Diane had a clotting disorder she had multiple things go wrong after minor surgery. Her heart stopped for 20 minutes one night, I had to make the decision to turn off the ventilator. For the longest time I had a voice in my head that would pop up and say You killed your wife, maybe you should have waited longer. I also wanted someone to blame did the doctors screw up who's fault is this. After a long time I just gave up on that. I realized I made the best decision I could with the information I had and made it out of Love. It really didn't matter where the fault lies it wouldn't change anything she is still gone. When you second guess yourself try telling yourself what I did. It takes a while to accept, It's hard to think clearly about anything when you are in early grief. Give yourself a break when you can and try to realize you did the best you could.   


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