Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1337
Latest Conversations: 22 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle yesterday. 27 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by Deb S yesterday. 34 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on February 28, 2017 at 3:28pm

Deb S ... I seem to be in the spot you and Sara are in.  Trying hard to keep busy or make some heart-breaking decisions.  Right now I'm having a bad time with my new clinic doctor.  As you know clinic doctors give you 5 minutes and 10 if lucky.  My previous doctor retired (have seen and talked to him in Costco several times and he's not looking well.)  It seems so strange as he was such a vibrant man and so kind and I really miss not having him as my family doctor (Ernie and I were with him for 38 years.)  I and many of my family members suffer from major panic attacks or anxiety attacks and it's genetic.  My retired doctor put me on a medication that works well and gives me a quality of life.  The last time I went in to see my clinic doctor (they know very little about you even though one's records are on the computer) he told me last summer at my age I should stay on this particular medication, but just as I was leaving he suddenly sprung on me to make an appointment for March 6th as he wanted to slowly wean me off this medication which I've been on for 25 years!  Even slowly weaning off one can have seizures and an array of terrible side effects not to mention panic attacks hitting again and it can take up to a year or more for this medication to leave one's system.  I am doing well on the medication and I'm just starting to get my feet under me so I'm terrified he'll take me off this medication.  Why, I have no idea.  When weaning off it calls for support and I don't have any.  As you know I live alone and my immediate family isn't all that supportive.  This has just added to other issues I'm going through right now.  If he persists on weaning me off I will no option, but to find another doctor and that's like trying find a needle in a haystack.  Meanwhile, I try hard to keep busy and keep my mind of it.  I just feel so alone and always fighting an up-hill battle right now. 

We have threatening snow here right now.  It's frustrating as the sun comes out for an hour or two giving a false sense of no snow.  It's just on and off.  Thankfully it's just a skiff of snow and on the grass, but thankfully not on the roads so I can still get around.

I hope you are having a good day my friend.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 28, 2017 at 9:17am

Debbie,  I pretty much do what you do.....occupy myself with random stuff and daydreaming about what should have been.  I have a motorhome that I have to work on selling this summer.  Ken and I had so many good times with it so it'll be hard to sell but I'll never use it without him so there's no sense continuing the monthly payments.

Knowing that I'll reunite with Ken some day is the only way I can push myself through the days.  Maybe the day will come that I'll find joy again.  That's my wish for everyone here....that you'll all find the joy in life again.


Comment by Sara Murphy on February 28, 2017 at 9:08am

Marsha......I'm glad you've been busy with friends.  I hope the snow is easing up so you can out more.  It's hard to be cooped up for long stretches.  Like Deb, I hope it's more ups than downs.   I just push myself along through the day.  Work helps keep me focused during the daytime hours but it's still so hard to go home every night knowing Ken won't be there

Comment by Deb S on February 28, 2017 at 6:35am

Marsha, It is good to hear from you too. I hope you are having more ups than downs. It is good to hear that you are seeing friends frequently.  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on February 28, 2017 at 6:33am

Sarah, It is good to hear from you. How are you?

I am about the same. I find myself occupying my time day dreaming about random stuff. Should I buy a second house near my daughter? Maybe I'd like an RV or to travel. Perhaps I should go to a movie. Bottom line? I'm not searching for any of that stuff. I just want my dear husband back by my side. It sometimes seems like a constant internal battle just to focus on the here and now. Otherwise, I'm good.

I hope and pray everyone else is doing as good as can be expected. Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on February 27, 2017 at 9:07pm

Hi Sara ...  It sure has been quiet on here.  I've been taking care of loose ends regarding business and also been busy with seeing some friends.  I've had some ups and downs, but that is generally expected for all of us.

Hope you are doing well yourself.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 27, 2017 at 8:33pm

Hi Everyone....Our group has been quiet so I wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 18, 2017 at 8:26am


Don't feel bad about being angry, I know I went from feeling Love to anger than shame for being angry. Everyone goes through it, as Deb said your emotions will jump all over the place nothing orderly about grief. My wife Diane had a clotting disorder she had multiple things go wrong after minor surgery. Her heart stopped for 20 minutes one night, I had to make the decision to turn off the ventilator. For the longest time I had a voice in my head that would pop up and say You killed your wife, maybe you should have waited longer. I also wanted someone to blame did the doctors screw up who's fault is this. After a long time I just gave up on that. I realized I made the best decision I could with the information I had and made it out of Love. It really didn't matter where the fault lies it wouldn't change anything she is still gone. When you second guess yourself try telling yourself what I did. It takes a while to accept, It's hard to think clearly about anything when you are in early grief. Give yourself a break when you can and try to realize you did the best you could.   

Comment by Deb S on February 18, 2017 at 5:31am

Tiffany, Thanks for your post. I don't know if it is better to know or not know the cause of death. Like Corey said, I hope it offers you a bit of closure. I chose not to have a post death medical examination. Then, I second guessed that decision for a long time. I came to the conclusion that it is what it is and the cause didn't offer me any more answers.

Please continue to post here. It helps to be able to share with a non-judgmental family your feelings and your deepest thoughts. Being angry is one of the stages of grief. The "what ifs" plagued me for months. "What if" he had gone to the doctor and taken care of the bronchitis? Would this have changed the outcome? After a LOT of time, I no longer ask the "what ifs". These questions tormented me and did not offer a different result.

I think that I am still working out my new reality in my dreams. Last night's dream was another example. I worked with my husband in his firm and quit to stay home a few years before he retired. I dreamed that I was working at the firm and wanted to refine my role. I was looking for the office manager as I felt I needed to stay home to care for DH. The reality hit that he is no longer with me. As always, the shock woke me right away. Anyway, that is my long winded way of saying that grief is a process. Someone along the way pointed out that the process does not proceed in a logical line. You don't go from Denial to Anger to Bargaining to Depression to Acceptance. You bounce around them like a ball in a pinball machine.

Please continue to take care of you now in the best way possible. Take those 15 minute breaks just for you. Post often. We care and want only the best for you.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on February 18, 2017 at 5:06am

I wanted to share this truly amazing young singer singing 'The Prayer.'  What amazing talent.


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