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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1320
Latest Conversations: 6 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

A family of one

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Sara Murphy 6 hours ago. 5 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Marsha H 10 hours ago. 11 Replies

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Brad Block Apr 30. 6 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on February 28, 2017 at 9:08am

Marsha......I'm glad you've been busy with friends.  I hope the snow is easing up so you can out more.  It's hard to be cooped up for long stretches.  Like Deb, I hope it's more ups than downs.   I just push myself along through the day.  Work helps keep me focused during the daytime hours but it's still so hard to go home every night knowing Ken won't be there

Comment by Deb S on February 28, 2017 at 6:35am

Marsha, It is good to hear from you too. I hope you are having more ups than downs. It is good to hear that you are seeing friends frequently.  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on February 28, 2017 at 6:33am

Sarah, It is good to hear from you. How are you?

I am about the same. I find myself occupying my time day dreaming about random stuff. Should I buy a second house near my daughter? Maybe I'd like an RV or to travel. Perhaps I should go to a movie. Bottom line? I'm not searching for any of that stuff. I just want my dear husband back by my side. It sometimes seems like a constant internal battle just to focus on the here and now. Otherwise, I'm good.

I hope and pray everyone else is doing as good as can be expected. Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on February 27, 2017 at 9:07pm

Hi Sara ...  It sure has been quiet on here.  I've been taking care of loose ends regarding business and also been busy with seeing some friends.  I've had some ups and downs, but that is generally expected for all of us.

Hope you are doing well yourself.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 27, 2017 at 8:33pm

Hi Everyone....Our group has been quiet so I wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 18, 2017 at 8:26am

Tiffany,  

Don't feel bad about being angry, I know I went from feeling Love to anger than shame for being angry. Everyone goes through it, as Deb said your emotions will jump all over the place nothing orderly about grief. My wife Diane had a clotting disorder she had multiple things go wrong after minor surgery. Her heart stopped for 20 minutes one night, I had to make the decision to turn off the ventilator. For the longest time I had a voice in my head that would pop up and say You killed your wife, maybe you should have waited longer. I also wanted someone to blame did the doctors screw up who's fault is this. After a long time I just gave up on that. I realized I made the best decision I could with the information I had and made it out of Love. It really didn't matter where the fault lies it wouldn't change anything she is still gone. When you second guess yourself try telling yourself what I did. It takes a while to accept, It's hard to think clearly about anything when you are in early grief. Give yourself a break when you can and try to realize you did the best you could.   

Comment by Deb S on February 18, 2017 at 5:31am

Tiffany, Thanks for your post. I don't know if it is better to know or not know the cause of death. Like Corey said, I hope it offers you a bit of closure. I chose not to have a post death medical examination. Then, I second guessed that decision for a long time. I came to the conclusion that it is what it is and the cause didn't offer me any more answers.

Please continue to post here. It helps to be able to share with a non-judgmental family your feelings and your deepest thoughts. Being angry is one of the stages of grief. The "what ifs" plagued me for months. "What if" he had gone to the doctor and taken care of the bronchitis? Would this have changed the outcome? After a LOT of time, I no longer ask the "what ifs". These questions tormented me and did not offer a different result.

I think that I am still working out my new reality in my dreams. Last night's dream was another example. I worked with my husband in his firm and quit to stay home a few years before he retired. I dreamed that I was working at the firm and wanted to refine my role. I was looking for the office manager as I felt I needed to stay home to care for DH. The reality hit that he is no longer with me. As always, the shock woke me right away. Anyway, that is my long winded way of saying that grief is a process. Someone along the way pointed out that the process does not proceed in a logical line. You don't go from Denial to Anger to Bargaining to Depression to Acceptance. You bounce around them like a ball in a pinball machine.

Please continue to take care of you now in the best way possible. Take those 15 minute breaks just for you. Post often. We care and want only the best for you.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on February 18, 2017 at 5:06am

I wanted to share this truly amazing young singer singing 'The Prayer.'  What amazing talent.

http://www.faithpot.com/marcelito-pomoy-sings-the-prayer/?utm_sourc...

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 17, 2017 at 5:58pm

Tiffany.....We're here for you to vent so no need to apologize.  I can understand why you would be mad.  I hope in time you feel that knowing is better than not.

Hugs to you,

Sara

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2017 at 3:30pm

Tiffany ...  It's OK to be mad at your husband and it's normal for grief.  I still can get mad at Ernie for leaving me as he was stubborn as well when going to a doctor and before he went into hospital which was to be Whipple Surgery for his pancreas he became very secretive and he didn't want me to go to doctor's visits and later after his death I found out some of our neighbors knew more of what was going on with him than I did.  It hurt my heart as I'd always been there for him, but sometimes men just never think they'll get anything seriously wrong with them and still get up and go to work.  It leaves us feeling if they shared with us there would have been something we could have done for them like strap them over the roof of the car and drive them to the doctors.  You get as mad as you want and get it out of your system and know it's perfectly normal to feel this way.

 

 

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