Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi yesterday. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Harold McKinstry on March 2, 2017 at 9:02am


Sorry to hear about your problems with Health Care, I can relate to that. Diane had a lot of Pain related problems, not too many Dr. understand the extent of it and your anxiety problems, and they don't have time to get it. She tried different Dr' even had one that insisted she go through a drug withdrawl program, after a few sessions the person said you don't need to be here.  She did get off Narcotics by using Medical Marijuana, she used a liquid and it seemed to help. I feel bad for you when you can't get someone to listen I understand how frustrating it can be, you just want to grab the Dr. and shake them. Hang in there Marsha.   

Comment by Harold McKinstry on March 2, 2017 at 8:48am

Hi Sara

I can imagine it is hard to sell Ken's stuff, memories and connection to our Loved ones. I sold Diane's 3 sewing machines, felt funny she spent a lot of time in that room with her machines. Haven't done much with her other stuff, in no hurry. I made a New Years resolution, that I actually stuck with. I joined a Gym worked with a personal trainer for 2 months, feel good. Used to wake up with back pain, no more, loss some weight. Being retired I knew I needed to get out and do something and meet people. I also was having Breakfast asked where one guy was, he was having open heart surgery, everyone said there heath problems got to me and said I take a few pills a day. When I got home I thought I'm lucky to be in the shape I am at 64 I should do something to keep it. I enjoy doing it and will stick with it. Going to visit my son in California in 3 weeks for 6 days, looking forward to that never been there.       

Comment by Marsha H on March 2, 2017 at 4:01am

Corey  ...  You are so kind and I appreciate the luck.  I go Friday so please keep your fingers crossed for me.

I understand how you feel seeing your husband's truck after selling it.  Thankfully, the persons who bought the truck and camper and Ernie's ski boat don't live near me or I'm sure I would feel the same as you.  I bawled when I saw both the truck, camper and boat leave the house.  It was like giving part of Ernie away.

As far as your husband's clothing put away just take your time and it's very normal to go through this.  I ended up keeping some big bathrobe, T-shirts, a couple of sweaters and even Ernie's slippers and by the hall door his work jacket a baseball cap are still hanging here and it gives me some peace of mind.

Comment by Corey on March 1, 2017 at 7:57pm
Marsha I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with your doctor. I'm sure it makes it worse not having much support from your family. I have lots or family around and everything is still a daily struggle. Good luck. Sara, I get how hard that must be, thinking about selling your motor home. I sold my husbands truck to my dad so he could continue to help me with getting my kids to school so I see his car a few times a week and it stings like hell seeing it however it brings a tiny bit of comfort too. My husbands clothes are still out and folded in random piles in our bedroom but I can't seem to get them put away. It's crazy how the whole world can keep turning when it seems ours is just standing still. That's how I feel anyway.
Comment by Marsha H on March 1, 2017 at 1:55pm

Sara ...  You are so sweet to pick up on my post.  I use to work in the medical profession for quite sometime before I changed to another line of work.  We use to have the good old family doctors who would take the time to sit with you and listen, but now, there is a huge family doctor shortage and clinics are popping up everywhere.  Each doctor in a clinic can only have 35 patients per day and I find because of this the clinic doctor I have at least is on the run, rushes in to see you and hardly lets you get a word in edge-wise.  They give you 5 minutes and if lucky 10 minutes of their time.  It was my clinic doctor who put me into the same family of medication I was taking and he even said then that after 25 years on this medication it wasn't a good idea to wean off it.  Now, he's done a 90 degree turn and caught me off guard just as we were going out the door and before I could say much he was gone!  I find he is often confused over what medication I am on.  I use to take one for acid reflux, but I took myself of it after short-term and I am fine, but this medication is nothing to fool around with and very serious side effects when you go through withdrawal.  This doctor can be arrogant and over-ride his patients and I have already tried to search around for a family doctor and not a clinic doctor, but no luck.  I am really upset and depressed that this clinic doctor is messing around with what works for me and I sure don't need this with what I've had to go through like everyone else regarding grief.  I am starting to stand on my own two feet.  I am not afraid to stand up to this doctor at all, but he just 'dismisses' you when you do.  Also outside in the waiting room there is a sign that if you get argumentative or cause any commotion you will be escorted out of clinic.  Now I can see why they had to put that sign up.  As I said I'm 75, energetic, keep busy and have a quality of life so leave it alone!  I am really terrified Sara as I don't have any support and as you know I live alone.  I'm trying to form a Plan B should this clinic doctor not listen to me, but it's difficult and I need to find another doctor and have been trying without any luck; all so far are not taking anymore patients.

Thanks for the pep talk my dear friend and I do appreciate it.  I'll let you know what happens.  Right now trying to get through to the clinic to see if I can get in before Monday to see him.

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 1, 2017 at 9:16am

Marsha....I'm sorry about all this stress that your new clinic doctor is giving you.  I'm a firm believer that we all have to advocate for our own health and that means asking questions when we don't understand something.   If I were in your place I would be asking why he wants to wean me off, what are the possible health risks of continuing with this medication and what he plans to replace it with and possible health risks of that medication.  I would also make it clear that I want to continue on my current meds because they're working and if there's no significant health risk, then there's no reason to change.  I became somewhat aggressive in all conversations with Ken's doctors and nurses.  I wanted to know everything they were doing.  I do hope this doctor is willing to talk to you and if not, you may very well have to find someone else.

Comment by Marsha H on February 28, 2017 at 3:40pm

Sara ...  I won't repeat myself about my clinic doctor wanting to wean me off my medication (I'm only on one medication and at my age that's a miracle!)  I explained to Deb what was going on so you can read all about it there.  That is the only thing on my mind because this clinic doctor can ruin my life by doing this.  It's very difficult to get another here so I'm really upset right now.  I'm feeling not too bad and getting on my feet and some things are turning around in my life for the good so I don't want this doctor rocking the boat.  Not a good time to be doing this.

I also understand about you selling Ken's motorhome.  It has great memories and it's super hard to let go of it.  I had to do that with our camper and truck and sell it at a loss.  It broke my heart.  The worst of all was selling Ernie's ski boat because that was his favorite and I bawled my head off when the new owner drove it down the driveway.  It was like losing so much of Ernie.  I have since realized these are material things and we have great memories to hold in our hearts of the those good times traveling and camping out.

Our weather is so weird and the sun comes out and then suddenly without warning snow begins to fall, but thankfully just a skiff of white on the grass and the roads remain clear.  Still, it makes people jumpy and ruins many a day.  I'm just getting ready to take the dogs for a walk whether it snows or not.  Wish it would remain up on the mountains. 

I hope you are having a good day Sara.  I'm just trying to keep busy like you and Deb and get my mind off things.   find it difficult also to go out even with friends only to come home and Ernie isn't here.  I just put the TV on to hear a human voice.  That and my dogs help a little.

Comment by Marsha H on February 28, 2017 at 3:28pm

Deb S ... I seem to be in the spot you and Sara are in.  Trying hard to keep busy or make some heart-breaking decisions.  Right now I'm having a bad time with my new clinic doctor.  As you know clinic doctors give you 5 minutes and 10 if lucky.  My previous doctor retired (have seen and talked to him in Costco several times and he's not looking well.)  It seems so strange as he was such a vibrant man and so kind and I really miss not having him as my family doctor (Ernie and I were with him for 38 years.)  I and many of my family members suffer from major panic attacks or anxiety attacks and it's genetic.  My retired doctor put me on a medication that works well and gives me a quality of life.  The last time I went in to see my clinic doctor (they know very little about you even though one's records are on the computer) he told me last summer at my age I should stay on this particular medication, but just as I was leaving he suddenly sprung on me to make an appointment for March 6th as he wanted to slowly wean me off this medication which I've been on for 25 years!  Even slowly weaning off one can have seizures and an array of terrible side effects not to mention panic attacks hitting again and it can take up to a year or more for this medication to leave one's system.  I am doing well on the medication and I'm just starting to get my feet under me so I'm terrified he'll take me off this medication.  Why, I have no idea.  When weaning off it calls for support and I don't have any.  As you know I live alone and my immediate family isn't all that supportive.  This has just added to other issues I'm going through right now.  If he persists on weaning me off I will no option, but to find another doctor and that's like trying find a needle in a haystack.  Meanwhile, I try hard to keep busy and keep my mind of it.  I just feel so alone and always fighting an up-hill battle right now. 

We have threatening snow here right now.  It's frustrating as the sun comes out for an hour or two giving a false sense of no snow.  It's just on and off.  Thankfully it's just a skiff of snow and on the grass, but thankfully not on the roads so I can still get around.

I hope you are having a good day my friend.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 28, 2017 at 9:17am

Debbie,  I pretty much do what you do.....occupy myself with random stuff and daydreaming about what should have been.  I have a motorhome that I have to work on selling this summer.  Ken and I had so many good times with it so it'll be hard to sell but I'll never use it without him so there's no sense continuing the monthly payments.

Knowing that I'll reunite with Ken some day is the only way I can push myself through the days.  Maybe the day will come that I'll find joy again.  That's my wish for everyone here....that you'll all find the joy in life again.


Comment by Sara Murphy on February 28, 2017 at 9:08am

Marsha......I'm glad you've been busy with friends.  I hope the snow is easing up so you can out more.  It's hard to be cooped up for long stretches.  Like Deb, I hope it's more ups than downs.   I just push myself along through the day.  Work helps keep me focused during the daytime hours but it's still so hard to go home every night knowing Ken won't be there


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