Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Marsha H Feb 14. 4 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on March 2, 2017 at 2:42pm

Sara ...  Thank you so much for caring when you are going through so much yourself and I really do appreciate it.

I've been on the computer trying to locate another doctor, but with no luck so far.  Our government is much to blame as there are lots of doctors from other countries wanting to come to Canada, but, they have to go through so much red tape and re-tested in the medical field. 

I am actually nauseated over all this and I sure didn't need it on top of missing my Ernie.  I know if he was here he would be at that doctor so fast.  We would watch each other's back always and he would come to important doctor's appointments with me and I would do the same for me.  Now I'm a walking target and alone, but not afraid to fight for my rights as a human being on a medication another doctor put me on. 

I go tomorrow and I can't say I'm not nervous because I don't think this egotistic doctor is going to bend.  What bothers me is he doesn't really know me and they are so busy at the clinic they hardly look at your file which is now on their laptops.  He ignores you as well as if you aren't even in the room.  Some clinic doctors know they have you in the cross-hairs because it's not easy to find another doctor.

Wish me luck and I'll let all of you know how it went yesterday. 

Thanks again for your concern.

Comment by Marsha H on March 2, 2017 at 2:36pm

Harold ...  Thank you so much for posting to me and understanding what doctors can do for or against a patient.  I feel so badly that Diane had to go through all that with doctors. 

I have constantly been searching on the web for another doctor to see (a family doctor) but no luck.  I am absolutely terrified and I feel like I'm falling apart.  I miss my old family doctor.  This doctor I have feel he's, God and if he doesn't have the patient agree with his methods then he's like a pouty child and get's angry and it's 'his way or the highway.'  I go on Friday to see him and I'm terrified.  I always stand up for myself and I will refuse to be weaned off a medication I've been on for 25 years that gives me a quality of life considering my health issues are genetic.  I just have a feeling he will refuse to go along with me and I'll be out on the street trying to find a doctor somewhere that will believe in me and understand that you just don't wean off this medication after 25 years and it's dangerous side effects.  I live alone as you know and not much support and I've had doctors take chunks of the quality of my life away from me on several occasions.  Sorry to say I've been crying off and on and feel this is the end of it all for me after fighting through grief (still am to a degree) and now withdrawal symptoms on top of it.  I just keep praying a miracle will happen for me.

Thank you so much for caring and sharing your story and again, so sorry Diane had to go through all that.

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 2, 2017 at 11:32am

Corey......Take your time with your husbands' clothes.  There's no rush to put them away.  I still have all of my husbands clothes although they are in drawers but his other "stuff" is still throughout the house wherever he left it......and it'll all stay put.  I do understand what you mean about the world standing still for you while moving for everyone else.  In the very beginning, and even somewhat now, I couldn't quite grasp why people would still want to do things.......Why are those people out walking, why are these people posting about going to dinner.  Who wants to do any of this stuff and how did I ever manage to do any of it myself.  It's a whole different world when you're other half is no longer here and nothing seems normal anymore. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 2, 2017 at 11:25am

Harold........It's good to hear from you.  I'm glad working with the personal trainer is working out for you.   It's a nice reality check with other people are talking about their health issues and you realize you're not in such back shape.  I hope you enjoy your visit with your son. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 2, 2017 at 11:20am

Marsha.....the next time I hear someone around here complain about our health care system and say they wish we had a system like Canada, I'll tell them your story.  The company I work for also has locations throughout Canada and I've heard similar stories from my co-workers there.  I do hope you're able to solve this.  No doctor should be able to get away with being a dictator.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on March 2, 2017 at 9:02am


Sorry to hear about your problems with Health Care, I can relate to that. Diane had a lot of Pain related problems, not too many Dr. understand the extent of it and your anxiety problems, and they don't have time to get it. She tried different Dr' even had one that insisted she go through a drug withdrawl program, after a few sessions the person said you don't need to be here.  She did get off Narcotics by using Medical Marijuana, she used a liquid and it seemed to help. I feel bad for you when you can't get someone to listen I understand how frustrating it can be, you just want to grab the Dr. and shake them. Hang in there Marsha.   

Comment by Harold McKinstry on March 2, 2017 at 8:48am

Hi Sara

I can imagine it is hard to sell Ken's stuff, memories and connection to our Loved ones. I sold Diane's 3 sewing machines, felt funny she spent a lot of time in that room with her machines. Haven't done much with her other stuff, in no hurry. I made a New Years resolution, that I actually stuck with. I joined a Gym worked with a personal trainer for 2 months, feel good. Used to wake up with back pain, no more, loss some weight. Being retired I knew I needed to get out and do something and meet people. I also was having Breakfast asked where one guy was, he was having open heart surgery, everyone said there heath problems got to me and said I take a few pills a day. When I got home I thought I'm lucky to be in the shape I am at 64 I should do something to keep it. I enjoy doing it and will stick with it. Going to visit my son in California in 3 weeks for 6 days, looking forward to that never been there.       

Comment by Marsha H on March 2, 2017 at 4:01am

Corey  ...  You are so kind and I appreciate the luck.  I go Friday so please keep your fingers crossed for me.

I understand how you feel seeing your husband's truck after selling it.  Thankfully, the persons who bought the truck and camper and Ernie's ski boat don't live near me or I'm sure I would feel the same as you.  I bawled when I saw both the truck, camper and boat leave the house.  It was like giving part of Ernie away.

As far as your husband's clothing put away just take your time and it's very normal to go through this.  I ended up keeping some big bathrobe, T-shirts, a couple of sweaters and even Ernie's slippers and by the hall door his work jacket a baseball cap are still hanging here and it gives me some peace of mind.

Comment by Corey on March 1, 2017 at 7:57pm
Marsha I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with your doctor. I'm sure it makes it worse not having much support from your family. I have lots or family around and everything is still a daily struggle. Good luck. Sara, I get how hard that must be, thinking about selling your motor home. I sold my husbands truck to my dad so he could continue to help me with getting my kids to school so I see his car a few times a week and it stings like hell seeing it however it brings a tiny bit of comfort too. My husbands clothes are still out and folded in random piles in our bedroom but I can't seem to get them put away. It's crazy how the whole world can keep turning when it seems ours is just standing still. That's how I feel anyway.
Comment by Marsha H on March 1, 2017 at 1:55pm

Sara ...  You are so sweet to pick up on my post.  I use to work in the medical profession for quite sometime before I changed to another line of work.  We use to have the good old family doctors who would take the time to sit with you and listen, but now, there is a huge family doctor shortage and clinics are popping up everywhere.  Each doctor in a clinic can only have 35 patients per day and I find because of this the clinic doctor I have at least is on the run, rushes in to see you and hardly lets you get a word in edge-wise.  They give you 5 minutes and if lucky 10 minutes of their time.  It was my clinic doctor who put me into the same family of medication I was taking and he even said then that after 25 years on this medication it wasn't a good idea to wean off it.  Now, he's done a 90 degree turn and caught me off guard just as we were going out the door and before I could say much he was gone!  I find he is often confused over what medication I am on.  I use to take one for acid reflux, but I took myself of it after short-term and I am fine, but this medication is nothing to fool around with and very serious side effects when you go through withdrawal.  This doctor can be arrogant and over-ride his patients and I have already tried to search around for a family doctor and not a clinic doctor, but no luck.  I am really upset and depressed that this clinic doctor is messing around with what works for me and I sure don't need this with what I've had to go through like everyone else regarding grief.  I am starting to stand on my own two feet.  I am not afraid to stand up to this doctor at all, but he just 'dismisses' you when you do.  Also outside in the waiting room there is a sign that if you get argumentative or cause any commotion you will be escorted out of clinic.  Now I can see why they had to put that sign up.  As I said I'm 75, energetic, keep busy and have a quality of life so leave it alone!  I am really terrified Sara as I don't have any support and as you know I live alone.  I'm trying to form a Plan B should this clinic doctor not listen to me, but it's difficult and I need to find another doctor and have been trying without any luck; all so far are not taking anymore patients.

Thanks for the pep talk my dear friend and I do appreciate it.  I'll let you know what happens.  Right now trying to get through to the clinic to see if I can get in before Monday to see him.


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