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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 3, 2017 at 9:52am

Dear Marsha,

It's been awhile I've been off, but have seen the surgeon for a one month follow up and all is well, so now I can relax a bit and turn my attention to my family here, and especially to you. I wish so much I could be there physically for support as you go through this frightening time - I feel fortunate in my dealings with the medical community here during the time of my collapse, losing Larry, and my gradual stabilization and improvement. It is terrible that your new assigned doctor is so dismissive of your feelings and circumstances. How often we have heard on here examples of the callous and condescending ways we are treated by those who ignore our grieving, mostly because they themselves have not experienced it...yet. To have someone you need to confide in and depend on for your very health treat you this way is inexcusable in my book, and I would relish the chance to say so to his face.

Just as I you have given so generously of your strength, your advice, and your love to us all here, our family now gather around you wrapping you in our love and support.

So my dear sister, while we both know from where this distressing disregard of your situation comes, that knowledge does not negate the stress and anxiety it engenders. No one in any position of medical authority, no matter the country or health care system, should be oblivious to the way our grieving is inexorably intertwined with our physical health matters. In my opinion, anyone not insightful or experienced enough to recognize this should not be practicing medicine.

Please let us know how you fare today, and feel our arms around you as our love and prayers flow your way.

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Steve on March 3, 2017 at 9:28am

Dearest Marsha,

I have struggled with depression my entire life, somewhere along the way a Doctor put me on Prozac when I was 37.  At the time I had been thru an ugly separation, it wasn't the separation, it was all of the things in my life up to that point.  Loss of my Mother at 5 months, loss of my sweet grandmother, grandfather, the separation and indifference I felt from my father and close family members because I was gay, and dealing with a partner of some 18 years together only to find myself trying to cope with his alcoholism which really blindsided me.  I also sought therapy at that time to help deal with all of the above.  Although I stopped the therapy sometime later I stayed on my medication, I look back now and realize I stopped therapy to soon and the medication became something that kept me even along with my job and meeting Mark.  In 1992 I fell and shattered my ankle and broke my leg, this required extensive surgery and a year of physical therapy to learn how to walk again.  I was also now taking pain pills on a pain management routine.  One of the side effects was depression, Mark never let me forget to take my meds.  After a while the Doctors weaned me off the pain pills, however, they did state that as I grew older I would probably have to go back on them.  They were right, as I grew older I found that walking and moving was good, sitting afterwards the ankle joint offered up unbearable pain just to get going again.  I put it off as long as I could, then in 2009 after my cancer surgery I was put back on mild pain pills and at the same time my lower back started hurting.  I had 2 places on my spine with degenerating Discs from a form of arthritis.  Getting up to walk was painful and usually caused me to limp until the ankle loosened up, this in turn put stress on my lower back and the whole cycle became unbearable.  In 2012 I was placed on a pain regiment by my doctor.  During the time between 2012 and 2014 I depended more and more on the pain medicine.  As Mark's health declined, I started taking less and less of everything, Mark would notice and fuss at me and I would start taking my meds again.  After Mark passed, I depended more and more on them and I didn't like it.  So I started weaning myself off of the pain med and I noticed that yes the same pain cycle was there but I could cope with it, Mark's loss hurt more than a physical disability.  I also became friends with this site and I also found a Church where I found new friends and purpose.  I was still taking the depression medicine, however, I found that as I began to deal with all the grief I pilled up around me and began to heal I thought that just perhaps I could stop taking my depressing meds.  So I started cutting back and in about 3 months I was no longer taking them and to my surprise I didn't feel any different.  I had discussed this my doctor before I started and she kept track of my progress and I kept her in the loop.  I am not sure where or how I was able to do this on my own, then I stop and remember that I was not alone, there are so many around me that were supporting me in ways that they had no idea or clue to what I needed.  I still have to take a pain pill on the rarest occasions and I struggle each day with the thought, go ahead, take one, you will feel better.  Marsha, none of us are prepared for what we all have had thrown at us and all of us are so different and yet we all share one thing, we need each other just to get by.  Please know that we all love you dearly and support you with hugs, prayers and a willing ear to listen.

With all my love, your brother Steve.

Comment by Marsha H on March 2, 2017 at 2:42pm

Sara ...  Thank you so much for caring when you are going through so much yourself and I really do appreciate it.

I've been on the computer trying to locate another doctor, but with no luck so far.  Our government is much to blame as there are lots of doctors from other countries wanting to come to Canada, but, they have to go through so much red tape and re-tested in the medical field. 

I am actually nauseated over all this and I sure didn't need it on top of missing my Ernie.  I know if he was here he would be at that doctor so fast.  We would watch each other's back always and he would come to important doctor's appointments with me and I would do the same for me.  Now I'm a walking target and alone, but not afraid to fight for my rights as a human being on a medication another doctor put me on. 

I go tomorrow and I can't say I'm not nervous because I don't think this egotistic doctor is going to bend.  What bothers me is he doesn't really know me and they are so busy at the clinic they hardly look at your file which is now on their laptops.  He ignores you as well as if you aren't even in the room.  Some clinic doctors know they have you in the cross-hairs because it's not easy to find another doctor.

Wish me luck and I'll let all of you know how it went yesterday. 

Thanks again for your concern.

Comment by Marsha H on March 2, 2017 at 2:36pm

Harold ...  Thank you so much for posting to me and understanding what doctors can do for or against a patient.  I feel so badly that Diane had to go through all that with doctors. 

I have constantly been searching on the web for another doctor to see (a family doctor) but no luck.  I am absolutely terrified and I feel like I'm falling apart.  I miss my old family doctor.  This doctor I have feel he's, God and if he doesn't have the patient agree with his methods then he's like a pouty child and get's angry and it's 'his way or the highway.'  I go on Friday to see him and I'm terrified.  I always stand up for myself and I will refuse to be weaned off a medication I've been on for 25 years that gives me a quality of life considering my health issues are genetic.  I just have a feeling he will refuse to go along with me and I'll be out on the street trying to find a doctor somewhere that will believe in me and understand that you just don't wean off this medication after 25 years and it's dangerous side effects.  I live alone as you know and not much support and I've had doctors take chunks of the quality of my life away from me on several occasions.  Sorry to say I've been crying off and on and feel this is the end of it all for me after fighting through grief (still am to a degree) and now withdrawal symptoms on top of it.  I just keep praying a miracle will happen for me.

Thank you so much for caring and sharing your story and again, so sorry Diane had to go through all that.

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 2, 2017 at 11:32am

Corey......Take your time with your husbands' clothes.  There's no rush to put them away.  I still have all of my husbands clothes although they are in drawers but his other "stuff" is still throughout the house wherever he left it......and it'll all stay put.  I do understand what you mean about the world standing still for you while moving for everyone else.  In the very beginning, and even somewhat now, I couldn't quite grasp why people would still want to do things.......Why are those people out walking, why are these people posting about going to dinner.  Who wants to do any of this stuff and how did I ever manage to do any of it myself.  It's a whole different world when you're other half is no longer here and nothing seems normal anymore. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 2, 2017 at 11:25am

Harold........It's good to hear from you.  I'm glad working with the personal trainer is working out for you.   It's a nice reality check with other people are talking about their health issues and you realize you're not in such back shape.  I hope you enjoy your visit with your son. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 2, 2017 at 11:20am

Marsha.....the next time I hear someone around here complain about our health care system and say they wish we had a system like Canada, I'll tell them your story.  The company I work for also has locations throughout Canada and I've heard similar stories from my co-workers there.  I do hope you're able to solve this.  No doctor should be able to get away with being a dictator.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on March 2, 2017 at 9:02am

Marsha

Sorry to hear about your problems with Health Care, I can relate to that. Diane had a lot of Pain related problems, not too many Dr. understand the extent of it and your anxiety problems, and they don't have time to get it. She tried different Dr' even had one that insisted she go through a drug withdrawl program, after a few sessions the person said you don't need to be here.  She did get off Narcotics by using Medical Marijuana, she used a liquid and it seemed to help. I feel bad for you when you can't get someone to listen I understand how frustrating it can be, you just want to grab the Dr. and shake them. Hang in there Marsha.   

Comment by Harold McKinstry on March 2, 2017 at 8:48am

Hi Sara

I can imagine it is hard to sell Ken's stuff, memories and connection to our Loved ones. I sold Diane's 3 sewing machines, felt funny she spent a lot of time in that room with her machines. Haven't done much with her other stuff, in no hurry. I made a New Years resolution, that I actually stuck with. I joined a Gym worked with a personal trainer for 2 months, feel good. Used to wake up with back pain, no more, loss some weight. Being retired I knew I needed to get out and do something and meet people. I also was having Breakfast asked where one guy was, he was having open heart surgery, everyone said there heath problems got to me and said I take a few pills a day. When I got home I thought I'm lucky to be in the shape I am at 64 I should do something to keep it. I enjoy doing it and will stick with it. Going to visit my son in California in 3 weeks for 6 days, looking forward to that never been there.       

Comment by Marsha H on March 2, 2017 at 4:01am

Corey  ...  You are so kind and I appreciate the luck.  I go Friday so please keep your fingers crossed for me.

I understand how you feel seeing your husband's truck after selling it.  Thankfully, the persons who bought the truck and camper and Ernie's ski boat don't live near me or I'm sure I would feel the same as you.  I bawled when I saw both the truck, camper and boat leave the house.  It was like giving part of Ernie away.

As far as your husband's clothing put away just take your time and it's very normal to go through this.  I ended up keeping some big bathrobe, T-shirts, a couple of sweaters and even Ernie's slippers and by the hall door his work jacket a baseball cap are still hanging here and it gives me some peace of mind.

 

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