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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Diane C on March 6, 2017 at 11:40am

sorry for the duplicate message, I didn't think it took the first one....

Comment by Diane C on March 6, 2017 at 11:39am

YAY Marsha.... I am so glad to hear that you had such a good appointment with your doctor!! I know how much you dreaded that appointment and can only imagine how much better you felt coming home after... I completely understand the going to appts alone. Rich and I did everything together, so even going for groceries is a challenge to me. I've been doing it alone for almost 5 years, but it still doesn't feel right after 25+ years. Guess some things will never change for us. Good luck on the dating site. Sounds like it will be fun for you. I for one am thinking I am starting to get used to the single side of things. Not sure I have enough strength or time to train another man.. haha. I would like the companionship, but after 4-1/2 years that hasn't happened either. So at 60 years old, I will probably stay single, unless an absolute miracle happens... Just not going to hold my breath. Take care and I am so happy for you!!

Hugs!!

Diane

Comment by Diane C on March 6, 2017 at 11:39am

YAY Marsha.... I am so glad to hear that you had such a good appointment with your doctor!! I know how much you dreaded that appointment and can only imagine how much better you felt coming home after... I completely understand the going to appts alone. Rich and I did everything together, so even going for groceries is a challenge to me. I've been doing it alone for almost 5 years, but it still doesn't feel right after 25+ years. Guess some things will never change for us. Good luck on the dating site. Sounds like it will be fun for you. I for one am thinking I am starting to get used to the single side of things. Not sure I have enough strength or time to train another man.. haha. I would like the companionship, but after 4-1/2 years that hasn't happened either. So at 60 years old, I will probably stay single, unless an absolute miracle happens... Just not going to hold my breath. Take care and I am so happy for you!!

Hugs!!

Diane

Comment by Marsha H on March 4, 2017 at 7:54pm

Sara ....  Thank you for your encouraging post and being there for me as I know your grief is difficult for you, yet you are so kind to offer encouragement. 

It's true I have a little more faith in my doctor and after he told me he was leaving well enough alone.  He even put his hand on my shoulder and said I was doing very well.  Although a blessing, like Harold, I still feel very much alone and it's exhausting to see a doctor alone or do any business alone or for that matter the simplest of things as I'm sure you know.

I forgot to tell all of you that my niece is going to help me with my profile for a good dating site, but I'm leery and I've never had to go this route before.  I don't belong to any site, but they come in on my emails and I have to say some of them are not all that good and I feel like I'm looking at a line-up at Sing-Sing!  LOL  Because my niece wants me to be happy and not so lonely I'll give it a try and be ever so careful and keep all of you informed of my adventures.  Please don't get me wrong that I'm replacing my dear heart Ernie because he'll always be my true love, but even male friendship to go out and do things is just fine with me.

Thanks again Sara.  I hope today is a kinder to you.  You and the others are always in my prayers.

Comment by Marsha H on March 4, 2017 at 7:33pm

Harold ...  Thanks so much for your post and I'm elated that I know my doctor does do his homework and everything worked out.  We do what we have to do to keep moving forward.  I have no choice, but to be on this medication and I'm very lucky at my age it's the only one I have to take one medication. 

I really appreciate all of you being here for me and it means so much to me.  We all understand each other while those who have not lost a spouse don't understand and feel if we smile we're doing just OK. 

I too find the loneliness the worst part of grief.  We long so much to have our spouses with us even if the gift of them was just for a couple of minutes.  Like you, I looked at my 6' 6" husband who had never been sick before and kept in good shape and asked myself how the heck this happened.  One will never know and it's a cruel part of life for sure coupled with growing older and trying to make up time to live some sort of a normal life.  Weekends for me are the hardest even though I too keep busy.  My problem is I feel on a Saturday night especially so many couples are doing something fun and I'm stuck in the house missing life.  I found out that's not necessarily true because I see houselights on and cars parked on the street so I don't feel quite so bad.  I generally have a girlfriend over on the weekends and can't complain, but the odd time they have other plans with their spouses. 

I know just how much you miss your lovely Diane, but Harold, I honestly believe she is there beside you and watching over you.  Just before I went to the doctors I said a prayer and also asked Ernie to be there with me because when he was still here if either of us had a serious health issue the other one came along.  I swear, he was there.  So my friend believe Diane is right there for you and hope is such a powerful word.  Almost 6 years since Ernie passed away and I still can't believe it either and the odd time I really feel he's going to walk up that driveway as if he's been away on an extensive business trip. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 4, 2017 at 3:16pm

Marsha.......I'm so happy this doctor took the time to read your history and make a decision based on you specifically.  I have to imagine it's just as stressful for the doctors in your area to have to abide by such strict rules that they forget about the human side of doctoring.  This was the first step of your building a hopefully trusting relationship with this doc.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on March 4, 2017 at 9:05am

Marsha

So glad your Dr. took the time to read your history and keep you on the medication that has worked so well for you. Were always here for you, I along with everyone on here know how our world has been turned upside down by the loss of our loved ones. Even though the rest of the world figures we are ok and over it. All of us are looking for a way to keep moving forward, we all need a shoulder to lean on every once in a while. Like you the loneliness has been setting in, I keep busy do a lot but it still is my constant companion. Even though it's been over a year I still find it hard to believe that she is gone from me. I remember at her Funeral talking to her and  saying how the hell did we get into this mess, I am still saying it to this day. 

Comment by Marsha H on March 3, 2017 at 7:10pm

Dear Steven ...  Thank you for sharing so much of your private life and you have been through so much.  In fairness I'll tell you what I've been through, but firstly depression and panic attacks is genetic in my family.  Thankfully I am not depressed as much as fearing panic attacks which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

My anxiety started as a child as my father was an alcoholic and often the household was chaotic.  I loved my parents dearly and felt torn.  Little did I know how this would affect me while still being at home.  Because of this I married someone who I shouldn't have married and had fair warning from family and friends, but in those days you didn't live with your boyfriend and marriage was the only solution so to get out of the house (really believing I loved this man) I married.  I soon found out he cheated on me before the wedding and then continued doing so while married and after 3 years of this I filed for divorce.  In ways that's a type of grieving process too.  I couldn't believe what a stupid young woman I was.  However, what came out of it was my new-found independence and learning to live alone and stand on my own two feet.  I was blessed with a good job and even more blessed when a friend of Ernie's a mine introduced us and we knew immediately that we were meant to be together.  We were married in 1972 and we were so happy, but life had other plans for us and my father suffered a stroke in that year and we put aside our own lives to a great degree to help my mother out with my father.  Working long hours, just being married and then coming home I burned the candle at both ends and when my beloved father passed away Dec. 14, 1973 my world crash down around me and then the panic spells hit.  On top of all this Ernie's 25 year old brother took his own life even though we were there for him whenever we needed him and from then on the family was never the same.  I battled panic attacks for years and finally found a doctor that helped.  Later, my mother would succumb to Dementia and even though I knew she couldn't help it as her caregiver I was the 'bad person' in her life which is very common for Dementia patients.  My mother would pass away in 2004 never knowing I was her daughter and it did haunt me for a long while.  I was also caregiver for Ernie's parents and of course had to quit work to do so, but was glad to do it.  Little did I know as the millennium flew in and we were so happy together that not too long ahead I would be losing my beloved Ernie.  So, here I am trying to reinvent my life.  Behind each of us is a story; some with sadness, but also some wonderful memories and it's those times that made us what we are today.

I am so very proud of you for conquering all that you have gone through and I know your future is looking bright and happy once again.

Thank you for always being there for me big brother.

Your loving sister

Marsha  

Comment by Marsha H on March 3, 2017 at 6:20pm

Dear Chuck ...  I am so happy you are finally healing and getting better with each day passing.  Thank you for your kind thoughts and I know if you were able you'd help me all you could.

I find many doctors with a 'God-like' attitude and also not much compassion.  I know there are so many people who are ill, but here, each doctor (other than specialists) can only have 35 patients per day.  Still, my attitude is, if you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen; compassion and listening to the patient makes a whole lot of difference.  I use to work in the medical field and I always calmed some patients down who were anxious and it makes a big difference especially when getting their BP done. 

The U.S. has far better doctors and more of them and here we don't have enough GP's to go around. 

Thank you so much for letting me know you and others encircle me and wish me the best of luck.  It seems to have worked my big brother.

Doctors seem to forget these mighty words, 'Do No Harm!'  I keep reminding mine!  LOL

You are a pip my big brother and always come through for me and I appreciate it.

Hope you are feeling much better and know that I think of you often.

Love your sis,

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on March 3, 2017 at 6:09pm

Dear friends ...  Just wanted to let you know that I saw the doctor today and he was a completely different man; said he had gone over my medical history and no problem staying on the medication I've been on as I'm doing well on it and he's pleased I'm active, feels I'm sharp as a tack (guess all my brain cells haven't disappeared) and doing all the right things.  I was so relieved that my legs felt like jelly and very exhausted now.  He gave me a prescription for 2 refills.  I feel as if a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders.

I want to thank you all for your loving care, prayers and understanding and I appreciate it so much.  You guys are my rock!

Love

Marsha

 

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