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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Marsha H Feb 14. 4 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on March 7, 2017 at 2:43pm

Steve ...  I really appreciate your words of wisdom and of course I would meet separately and after I would never go straight home.  I won't give out any personal information with the exception of my first name and I'll take it slow and easy.  It's wonderful you met your now wife on Match.  We have that one here so I may try that one.  I am very nervous about it all and I know I will probably go through a lot of gentleman to find the one that makes me feel comfortable. 

The expectations are difficult for sure.  I am at 'that age' where many my age have illness' and nothing against them I really don't want to go through grief too quickly once again.  I did date once, but the gentleman (and he sure was) took me for dinner, but he was much older than myself and his wife passed around the same time Ernie did.  I could sense he was very much in his love with his wife and looking for someone to fill the loss of her and he just wasn't ready to move on so I had to handle that one with kid gloves and not hurt this nice person.  I have my niece helping me with my profile so wish me luck everyone.  Of course they must love dogs!  LOL   

Comment by Marsha H on March 7, 2017 at 2:35pm

Sara ...  Thank you so much for your encouraging words.  I honestly would prefer to meet someone the good old fashion way, but that's not the reality of it in today's world as I'm sure you know with your 2 sisters finding good partners on a dating site.  I really don't feel comfortable being on a dating site, but have no choice.  I have tried hard in hopes of meeting someone and it would have been even better if a friend knew a single person, but no luck there.  I will be careful and choose a good dating site and not a fly-by-night one.  I may just bail out if I do get to meet someone.  LOL  I am not trying to replace Ernie at all and I know he would like me to be happy.  Without a partner be it a friendship or otherwise your world becomes very small and lonely.  I just want to live a bit with what years are left.

Comment by Steve Cain on March 7, 2017 at 9:55am

Marsha,

As long as you are careful and use common sense (first meeting arrive separately, meet in a public place, especially where the staff know you and can help you out of a bad situation, etc,) I think it's a great thing. Not trying to promote anything but I met my now wife on Match. If you temper your expectations and don't do what you don't feel comfortable about you should be fine and could be very successful. Keep us in the loop about what's happening.

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 7, 2017 at 9:08am

Marsha........Good luck with the dating site.  I hope you're able to find someone looking for the same thing you are, companionship.  I think Ernie would be okay with you wanting someone to go to dinner with and pass the time with until you're reunited.  Although you do have to be careful with these sites, there are also many good people who use them.  I know several people who met there spouses using a dating site, 2 of which are my sisters.  I hope you find what you're looking for.

Comment by Marsha H on March 6, 2017 at 3:35pm

Diane C ...  Thank you so much for your lovely post.  Yes, it was a great relief for me when my doctor actually admitted he read my history and continued on with the medication.  He did another 90 degree turn really gets my anxiety going. 

It was wonderful of you and Rich to do so many things together because I see lots of husbands here that don't.  I will admit I even miss Ernie going grocery shopping and I know I'll never get use to it.  It will be 6 years for me on April 27th. 

I'm going to need all the luck I can get on the dating site and I'm not holding my breath mainly because I'm 75 although people say I don't look or act it.  I have a feeling I'll be alone the rest of my life too.  I really don't like being alone with all my friends having spouses (not that I would ever marry again or live with someone) but, it's the reality of it all.  It's tough making friends with women and I often wonder why that should be.  I try my best, but best doesn't always cut it.  I don't like traveling alone and miss going over to the Island or just a quick trip somewhere.  You made me laugh when you said you would have to train a man.  You just never know Diane, miracles happen and here is hoping.

Comment by Diane C on March 6, 2017 at 11:40am

sorry for the duplicate message, I didn't think it took the first one....

Comment by Diane C on March 6, 2017 at 11:39am

YAY Marsha.... I am so glad to hear that you had such a good appointment with your doctor!! I know how much you dreaded that appointment and can only imagine how much better you felt coming home after... I completely understand the going to appts alone. Rich and I did everything together, so even going for groceries is a challenge to me. I've been doing it alone for almost 5 years, but it still doesn't feel right after 25+ years. Guess some things will never change for us. Good luck on the dating site. Sounds like it will be fun for you. I for one am thinking I am starting to get used to the single side of things. Not sure I have enough strength or time to train another man.. haha. I would like the companionship, but after 4-1/2 years that hasn't happened either. So at 60 years old, I will probably stay single, unless an absolute miracle happens... Just not going to hold my breath. Take care and I am so happy for you!!

Hugs!!

Diane

Comment by Diane C on March 6, 2017 at 11:39am

YAY Marsha.... I am so glad to hear that you had such a good appointment with your doctor!! I know how much you dreaded that appointment and can only imagine how much better you felt coming home after... I completely understand the going to appts alone. Rich and I did everything together, so even going for groceries is a challenge to me. I've been doing it alone for almost 5 years, but it still doesn't feel right after 25+ years. Guess some things will never change for us. Good luck on the dating site. Sounds like it will be fun for you. I for one am thinking I am starting to get used to the single side of things. Not sure I have enough strength or time to train another man.. haha. I would like the companionship, but after 4-1/2 years that hasn't happened either. So at 60 years old, I will probably stay single, unless an absolute miracle happens... Just not going to hold my breath. Take care and I am so happy for you!!

Hugs!!

Diane

Comment by Marsha H on March 4, 2017 at 7:54pm

Sara ....  Thank you for your encouraging post and being there for me as I know your grief is difficult for you, yet you are so kind to offer encouragement. 

It's true I have a little more faith in my doctor and after he told me he was leaving well enough alone.  He even put his hand on my shoulder and said I was doing very well.  Although a blessing, like Harold, I still feel very much alone and it's exhausting to see a doctor alone or do any business alone or for that matter the simplest of things as I'm sure you know.

I forgot to tell all of you that my niece is going to help me with my profile for a good dating site, but I'm leery and I've never had to go this route before.  I don't belong to any site, but they come in on my emails and I have to say some of them are not all that good and I feel like I'm looking at a line-up at Sing-Sing!  LOL  Because my niece wants me to be happy and not so lonely I'll give it a try and be ever so careful and keep all of you informed of my adventures.  Please don't get me wrong that I'm replacing my dear heart Ernie because he'll always be my true love, but even male friendship to go out and do things is just fine with me.

Thanks again Sara.  I hope today is a kinder to you.  You and the others are always in my prayers.

Comment by Marsha H on March 4, 2017 at 7:33pm

Harold ...  Thanks so much for your post and I'm elated that I know my doctor does do his homework and everything worked out.  We do what we have to do to keep moving forward.  I have no choice, but to be on this medication and I'm very lucky at my age it's the only one I have to take one medication. 

I really appreciate all of you being here for me and it means so much to me.  We all understand each other while those who have not lost a spouse don't understand and feel if we smile we're doing just OK. 

I too find the loneliness the worst part of grief.  We long so much to have our spouses with us even if the gift of them was just for a couple of minutes.  Like you, I looked at my 6' 6" husband who had never been sick before and kept in good shape and asked myself how the heck this happened.  One will never know and it's a cruel part of life for sure coupled with growing older and trying to make up time to live some sort of a normal life.  Weekends for me are the hardest even though I too keep busy.  My problem is I feel on a Saturday night especially so many couples are doing something fun and I'm stuck in the house missing life.  I found out that's not necessarily true because I see houselights on and cars parked on the street so I don't feel quite so bad.  I generally have a girlfriend over on the weekends and can't complain, but the odd time they have other plans with their spouses. 

I know just how much you miss your lovely Diane, but Harold, I honestly believe she is there beside you and watching over you.  Just before I went to the doctors I said a prayer and also asked Ernie to be there with me because when he was still here if either of us had a serious health issue the other one came along.  I swear, he was there.  So my friend believe Diane is right there for you and hope is such a powerful word.  Almost 6 years since Ernie passed away and I still can't believe it either and the odd time I really feel he's going to walk up that driveway as if he's been away on an extensive business trip. 

 

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