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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Deb S on March 10, 2017 at 3:40pm

Marsha, Thanks so much for your reply. I find myself laughing now. I can be a bit sneaky although it is well intentioned and not meant to be secretive. I just tend to be a pretty private person.

I did not particularly engage with my profile. I didn't post any photos and posted minimal "all about me" information. One gentlemen reached out and we chatted on line. He asked me to meet him for dinner the next night. I went back and forth all day as to whether or not to cancel until it was too late to cancel politely. I arrived and ran into one of my favorite waitresses ever. She previously worked at a spot that Bob and I frequented weekly. I returned there several months after Bob passed away. I could see her looking behind me for Bob. I explained that he had passed away and she lost it, excused herself, and asked for a replacement until she could recompose. She offered hugs and incredible support. She also encouraged me that evening and it was a Godsend that she was there. I ended up meeting him one more time as I acquiesced to talk with him about some legal issues. That felt strictly like a business meeting.

I feel like I need to spend time concentrating on me now. This is a new world and one that I have minimal clue how to navigate. I continue to remind myself to be as kind to me as I am to everyone else and to give myself a break.

Thanks for keeping us updated. Again, I wish you only the BEST. Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on March 10, 2017 at 3:12pm

Deb S ...  You also made me smile with your post.  My girlfriend and I went out for dinner about a month ago and right beside us in the next booth was a man and woman and when you looked at them it screamed 'first meeting and date!'  The man wasn't bad looking at all and he was so nervous I felt sorry for him.  The woman was quiet.  I would have loved to have found out how It all worked out.  I know I'm probably in for a very bumpy ride with online dating.  It's foreign to me.  I don't like hurting people's feelings either if it shouldn't work out.  I'm not looking for marriage at this time anyway, but just a nice relationship for two lonely people.

 I know your neighbor meant well, but I do understand what you're saying and I feel the same way.  I so wished we lived closer and could go on a weeks holiday together.  I have no one to go with and the lure of going by myself isn't great.  I can't afford to go away a lot, but I'll take anything at this point even going up country, but again, going alone without my significant other isn't the same and I doubt I would enjoy myself. 

Oh, you sneaky girl going on a few dating sites and you sure have courage.  I get them coming into my 'in box' and I browse, but haven't done much about it thus far.  I don't have a profile yet and my niece is helping me out on that one.  I think if I got lucky for a date I'd probably collapse before I got there.  LOL  You made me laugh as to the way your explained your first meeting with a man.  I know it seems so impersonal the way people date today.  Then we wonder what that person thinks of us.  If they don't call me after a first date then I'll know to put a paper bag over my head the next time.  LOL 

I'm not really that much further along than you.  I'm just so lonely and try so hard to get out in public and be part of life, but it's not easy on us widows.  I always try hard and we'll see.  I just hope I have some luck for a change. 

Wishing you luck and better days ahead my friend.  Will let you know how it goes when I have my first date and for some reason I'm already laughing because I just have a feeling it will pan out like the one you had, but we keep trying.

Marsha

Comment by Deb S on March 10, 2017 at 2:51pm

Marsha, Thank you for making me smile as I read your sweet post. You ARE an amazing woman. I do hope you find a companion to hang out with or spend your life with depending upon your preference. The loss of our other half is an incredibly lonely experience. I battle loneliness often. I spent time with my neighbor today. She casually mentioned that I should travel more. I didn't have the energy to explain that travel begins to loose its allure when you do not have the love of your life by your side. I am also not dismissing her loving suggestion. This is a new life after all. I enjoy traveling and venturing out again is a great idea.

I've checked into dating sites to satisfy my curiosity. I chatted with a few people and took a leap of faith and met someone for dinner. I came away feeling that it was similar to meeting someone on a plane. We chatted, time passed, the evening finished, and we moved on. I am lonely but still not ready for someone else.

You are further along on this journey of grief and I love that you are taking this forward step. You Go girl!  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on March 9, 2017 at 7:04pm

Deb S ...  It is you that seems to always pop up when I post and I'm so grateful for that.  You always make me feel better and I know you truly wish me good luck.  Thank you for thinking I'm an amazing woman and here is hoping some nice gentleman will see some good traits in me.  Sometimes people go for looks and not what is inside the person.  I know dating online isn't going to be easy and I sure will keep all of you up-dated and I ALWAYS feel comfortable.  LOL  We're family and I have no problem sharing the good with the bad.

I truly hope this day is a good one for you Deb and that things are going a big easier for you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Deb S on March 9, 2017 at 2:04pm

Marsha, I wish you tons of luck! You are an amazing woman. You have helped me so much through this difficult and continuing journey. Please update when you are comfortable. You have my support and good wishes.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on March 7, 2017 at 2:43pm

Steve ...  I really appreciate your words of wisdom and of course I would meet separately and after I would never go straight home.  I won't give out any personal information with the exception of my first name and I'll take it slow and easy.  It's wonderful you met your now wife on Match.  We have that one here so I may try that one.  I am very nervous about it all and I know I will probably go through a lot of gentleman to find the one that makes me feel comfortable. 

The expectations are difficult for sure.  I am at 'that age' where many my age have illness' and nothing against them I really don't want to go through grief too quickly once again.  I did date once, but the gentleman (and he sure was) took me for dinner, but he was much older than myself and his wife passed around the same time Ernie did.  I could sense he was very much in his love with his wife and looking for someone to fill the loss of her and he just wasn't ready to move on so I had to handle that one with kid gloves and not hurt this nice person.  I have my niece helping me with my profile so wish me luck everyone.  Of course they must love dogs!  LOL   

Comment by Marsha H on March 7, 2017 at 2:35pm

Sara ...  Thank you so much for your encouraging words.  I honestly would prefer to meet someone the good old fashion way, but that's not the reality of it in today's world as I'm sure you know with your 2 sisters finding good partners on a dating site.  I really don't feel comfortable being on a dating site, but have no choice.  I have tried hard in hopes of meeting someone and it would have been even better if a friend knew a single person, but no luck there.  I will be careful and choose a good dating site and not a fly-by-night one.  I may just bail out if I do get to meet someone.  LOL  I am not trying to replace Ernie at all and I know he would like me to be happy.  Without a partner be it a friendship or otherwise your world becomes very small and lonely.  I just want to live a bit with what years are left.

Comment by Steve Cain on March 7, 2017 at 9:55am

Marsha,

As long as you are careful and use common sense (first meeting arrive separately, meet in a public place, especially where the staff know you and can help you out of a bad situation, etc,) I think it's a great thing. Not trying to promote anything but I met my now wife on Match. If you temper your expectations and don't do what you don't feel comfortable about you should be fine and could be very successful. Keep us in the loop about what's happening.

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 7, 2017 at 9:08am

Marsha........Good luck with the dating site.  I hope you're able to find someone looking for the same thing you are, companionship.  I think Ernie would be okay with you wanting someone to go to dinner with and pass the time with until you're reunited.  Although you do have to be careful with these sites, there are also many good people who use them.  I know several people who met there spouses using a dating site, 2 of which are my sisters.  I hope you find what you're looking for.

Comment by Marsha H on March 6, 2017 at 3:35pm

Diane C ...  Thank you so much for your lovely post.  Yes, it was a great relief for me when my doctor actually admitted he read my history and continued on with the medication.  He did another 90 degree turn really gets my anxiety going. 

It was wonderful of you and Rich to do so many things together because I see lots of husbands here that don't.  I will admit I even miss Ernie going grocery shopping and I know I'll never get use to it.  It will be 6 years for me on April 27th. 

I'm going to need all the luck I can get on the dating site and I'm not holding my breath mainly because I'm 75 although people say I don't look or act it.  I have a feeling I'll be alone the rest of my life too.  I really don't like being alone with all my friends having spouses (not that I would ever marry again or live with someone) but, it's the reality of it all.  It's tough making friends with women and I often wonder why that should be.  I try my best, but best doesn't always cut it.  I don't like traveling alone and miss going over to the Island or just a quick trip somewhere.  You made me laugh when you said you would have to train a man.  You just never know Diane, miracles happen and here is hoping.

 

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