Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Mary. Jane on Sunday. 15 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 15, 2017 at 1:14pm

page 2

Here, we are all struggling with the worst loss of our lives, and connect by offering listening ears, open arms, and no judgments or expectations – our purpose is simply to help each other survive one more day. There is nothing we desire from this family but acceptance and understanding. Sadly, my words fell on deaf ears. Since finding a well-off man and finalizing her divorce, in that order, I haven’t seen or heard from her.


So what is my point? Just that we all walk a path that will forever have an empty space beside us – at least in the physical sense. Larry has been with me every day since that awful day almost two years ago. He calms me, protects me, and guides me when I am so turned around that I can’t see straight. In my heart I believe that is so for all of us in this uncommon family – just as I believe that no matter what we feel and say now, the events ahead for us - the twists and turns our paths may take - will be right for us if we only keep true to our love for our spouses, patient with ourselves, and always honest with the world, whether they like it or not.


As for me, this way of making my way along this lonely path has brought something I never would have dreamed possible. Now when I look to one side, I am still alone, but when I turn my head and look to my other side, I find someone there, walking with me, sharing the tears and the smiles, and always understanding what I am feeling, because he himself is on the same path with those same feelings. “Why I am so blessed?” I ask every day, with only a quiet whisper in my ear answering “because you needed each other”.


I may soon write about the first face to face meeting, with all the funny and tortuous things we both went through leading up to that moment. For now, I only want to say to you all that your support, your encouragement, and especially your friendship is the only thing that has brought me through to this point, and continues to do so whenever I start to get shaky and uncertain. I wish for everyone here only that you stay strong, believe in yourself and your absolute right to grieve and eventually start healing in the way that is uniquely correct for you, and keep others from impeding or derailing that process, whomsoever they may be, or however noble their intentions.


Peace to you all today,




Comment by Mary. Jane on March 14, 2017 at 3:59pm
Hi Tiffany. My name is MaryJane, and I have basically lurking here for a few weeks, reading the posts, and getting up the courage to post. After I read YOUR post, I just HAD to comment. I don.t know the circumstances of your husbands death, nor is it my business as to why you haven,t been at your home...but the idea your MIL wanted his Christmas gifts back, but let you keep some of his shirts just STUNNED me! It you want to take his shirts off the hangers, and sleep on top of them..THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS!! However you choose to grieve is up to YOU not your MIL!. You don,t have to do anything with his items that YOU don,t want to do..even if it takes 50 years!! My husband died at home,a year ago, and I find my home to be comforting to me, because I still feel him there..and part of me enjoys being alone and I tend to talk to him all day...but this is about YOU, and everyone's circumstances are different. You grieve in your own time, in your own way, and don,t let anyone else tell you different. For myself, with Bobs clothes, I find it comforting to cuddle his robe, as it still has his smell...and I have no intention of emptying out his clothes anytime soon. (I did toss a few items he never wore, or that he DIDN,t care about, and even THAT took me about 6 months. I also TALK to him all day, sometimes I breakdown, but the important thing is you take as much time as you need for yourself. There is no expiration date on grief or love. Please remember this is about YOU,and possibly any children you may have not your MIL.
Comment by Harold McKinstry on March 14, 2017 at 3:36pm


Two months isn't very long sorry for your loss and the pain of it. I have staid in our house, lots of reminders of Diane, not quite as painful as it used to be. It's been over a year I haven't done anything with her clothes, no hurry I guess. I have sold her 3 sewing machines and donated some of her craft stuff. We never got the chance to exchange Christmas Gifts either. Things have got somewhat better after a Year, I still hurt and miss her everyday but I also have some good days and smile about something that reminded me of something about her. I'm sure you will to eventually too. Try to hang in there.

Comment by Marsha H on March 14, 2017 at 3:35pm

Tiffany ...  I do understand how you must be feeling.  When Ernie passed away and we had his Celebration of Life, I had a few people over, but after they left there was just silence in the house.  Thankfully, I was not only in denial, but exhausted and slept for a good part of the time. 

It has been almost 6 years since Ernie passed and I still miss him so much.  I miss him hugging and teasing me and those conversations of how our day went every evening he came home from work.  I keep a radio on or the TV just to hear a human voice.  In these 6 years the feelings of loss are not so intense, but not for once instance do I forget my dear Ernie.  He grew up in this town and everywhere I look there are reminders of him.  I think I told you I had to sell his truck/camper and also his boat and I sure choked up even though the people that bought them would put them to good use and I needed the money.  I finally convinced myself they were 'just things' and the 'things' I'd give away in a Nano second if I could only see Ernie one more time.

When I finally cleaned out his side of closet I came across some clothes I bought him he'd never worn and a few Christmas gifts he hadn't even used. 

I don't understand how his mother ended up with almost everything your sweetheart had as you were together and most should have been yours and a few things to sentimental value to his mother just to be kind to her as she lost a son.

It stings when you see the same vehicle all over town and thankfully I don't have to put up with that.  The people who bought the truck/camper and boat don't live near me at all so I can breath some relief.

Tiffany each day that goes by you get a little stronger even if you don't believe you are.  I know just getting out of bed some mornings takes all the energy one has to face another day without our spouses.  Oh yes, I still have a few cries here and there missing my spouse like crazy, but found keeping busy or going for walks with a friend or just my dogs helped me a great deal. 

I pray that today is a much better day for you and please keep coming back to Legacy as we're here for you.

Comment by Tiffany Phillips on March 14, 2017 at 11:13am

This weekend was the first weekend I stayed back at 'our' house after 2 months.  First night was ok, I had people there with me, but the next couple nights got harder as less people were there, until Monday when I was alone.  I miss him so much, not having him in the house, or on the couch w/ me, or even just knowing he won't be home later.  I have his clothes in my closet still, those will stay there for a while.  I was looking through them this weekend and straightening them up some, only to break down because I realized that the shirts I'd gotten him for Christmas, some if not most, he hadn't even worn yet.  I would have loved to see him in them.  His mother wanted most everything back, but I was lucky to be able to keep the shirts.
I had just gotten over the fact that after 3 years, his car wouldn't be in our drive way anymore.. His mother sold his car to my neighbor.  Now I see it driving all over town all the time.  I know they needed the car and she needed the money, but God does it sting.  It's like I had just gotten over not having it there only to have to see it everyday, and know it's not his anymore.

Comment by Steve Cain on March 13, 2017 at 8:31am

As far as how you choose to move in your life (dating or remarrying or not) do not let anyone pressure you one way or another. I know that can be very difficult to do as there can be immense pressure from all sides. Just examine your own heart and decide how you want to proceed.

Jay, as far as dating sites go, if you go that route yes there is bad, but there also is good as I found out in my case. If you wish to do that and want some help and advice please feel free to message or email me. Having done this I can give you good pointers on how to present yourself, what to watch for, and what to watch out for.

Comment by Jay Zimmermann on March 13, 2017 at 5:42am

Pete, at first I so desperately wanted someone to fill that hole in my heart.  Now I am OK to go on as I am.  The further seems uncertain to me, as I never thought I would be alone in it as I am.  But, I do know that I am a lot stronger then I realized at first, and it will be OK.  

i hope you Pete have some peace with your journey now too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story with me. I am finally getting to a place of acceptance.  It all had seemed so unreal to me as my husband died too young and so sudden.

We were together so much of the time as both of us being disabled as you and you say your wife were.  It is good to know that my experience is not unique on here and thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.

Comment by Pete Bronson on March 13, 2017 at 3:50am

Hi Jay,

I know how you feel, I lost my Rose almost 6 and a half years ago, she and I were together 31 plus years and lived together for over 30. Her and I were inseparable from 8 days after my 18th birthday.She passed away in my arms, her and I were both victimized by cancer.

I just do not see myself with anyone else. I was not quite 49 when she passed. I get very lonely, the nights are extremely difficult, the mornings waking alone are worse. I know she is with me in my heart, soul, and memories but it is no substitute for her physical presence, but it will have to do. Now I am disabled and have way too much unoccupied time it makes coping even more difficult. Some how I manage to get through each day though. Waiting for my turn to be with her again.

Time passes slowly when we are awake but goes by to quickly when we sleep and dream of better days.

This is the price we pay for love and life partners, the cost is high, but still worth it. Think of those that never experience what we have had for so long.

May you all find some peace and joy each day, life is short, we must all make the best of our time here.



Comment by Jay Zimmermann on March 13, 2017 at 1:42am

At 59 I am unsure about finding anyone else to be in my life on a romantic level.  I was with my husband 31 years, and I never dated as such before we got together.  Dating sites seem so, I don't know, unreal to me.  I am not interested in just hooking up with someone.

I have gotten so I can now stand to be alone.  I feel better about me and the further.  I take things pretty much as they come.  It does get lonely, but I don't really ever feel alone.

I do get down, but remind myself that others have far less in life and far less to look forward to.  It keeps me going to know that I have a strong faith and knowledge of my Creator. 

I find something to do everyday, and still have fairly good health. Even though I lost my husband, I am learning I am blessed to still be here.  I couldn't even say that a month ago.  

Yes, things do get better with the passing of time, but it will always be difficult too.  I know this.  I was told that I had been through so much in my life that I would make it through this too, and that has proven to be the case.  Blessings all.

Comment by Deb S on March 12, 2017 at 8:09am

Marsha, Thanks for my morning laugh. Life will certainly be different for us in 30 years and we might not remember anything. Then again, everyone our age will likely be in the same boat.

I did have an angel watching over me. My friend, the waitress, kept an eye on me all evening. We even had a special code if I needed help.

I do wish you great luck. There are men looking for the same thing you are looking for and I hope you locate someone you enjoy hanging out with soon. You GO girl! Debbie


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