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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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A family of one

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Sara Murphy yesterday. 5 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by Marsha H yesterday. 11 Replies

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Brad Block Apr 30. 6 Replies

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Comment by Tiffany Phillips on March 14, 2017 at 11:13am

This weekend was the first weekend I stayed back at 'our' house after 2 months.  First night was ok, I had people there with me, but the next couple nights got harder as less people were there, until Monday when I was alone.  I miss him so much, not having him in the house, or on the couch w/ me, or even just knowing he won't be home later.  I have his clothes in my closet still, those will stay there for a while.  I was looking through them this weekend and straightening them up some, only to break down because I realized that the shirts I'd gotten him for Christmas, some if not most, he hadn't even worn yet.  I would have loved to see him in them.  His mother wanted most everything back, but I was lucky to be able to keep the shirts.
I had just gotten over the fact that after 3 years, his car wouldn't be in our drive way anymore.. His mother sold his car to my neighbor.  Now I see it driving all over town all the time.  I know they needed the car and she needed the money, but God does it sting.  It's like I had just gotten over not having it there only to have to see it everyday, and know it's not his anymore.

Comment by Steve Cain on March 13, 2017 at 8:31am

As far as how you choose to move in your life (dating or remarrying or not) do not let anyone pressure you one way or another. I know that can be very difficult to do as there can be immense pressure from all sides. Just examine your own heart and decide how you want to proceed.

Jay, as far as dating sites go, if you go that route yes there is bad, but there also is good as I found out in my case. If you wish to do that and want some help and advice please feel free to message or email me. Having done this I can give you good pointers on how to present yourself, what to watch for, and what to watch out for.

Comment by Jay Zimmermann on March 13, 2017 at 5:42am

Pete, at first I so desperately wanted someone to fill that hole in my heart.  Now I am OK to go on as I am.  The further seems uncertain to me, as I never thought I would be alone in it as I am.  But, I do know that I am a lot stronger then I realized at first, and it will be OK.  

i hope you Pete have some peace with your journey now too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story with me. I am finally getting to a place of acceptance.  It all had seemed so unreal to me as my husband died too young and so sudden.

We were together so much of the time as both of us being disabled as you and you say your wife were.  It is good to know that my experience is not unique on here and thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.

Comment by Pete Bronson on March 13, 2017 at 3:50am

Hi Jay,

I know how you feel, I lost my Rose almost 6 and a half years ago, she and I were together 31 plus years and lived together for over 30. Her and I were inseparable from 8 days after my 18th birthday.She passed away in my arms, her and I were both victimized by cancer.

I just do not see myself with anyone else. I was not quite 49 when she passed. I get very lonely, the nights are extremely difficult, the mornings waking alone are worse. I know she is with me in my heart, soul, and memories but it is no substitute for her physical presence, but it will have to do. Now I am disabled and have way too much unoccupied time it makes coping even more difficult. Some how I manage to get through each day though. Waiting for my turn to be with her again.

Time passes slowly when we are awake but goes by to quickly when we sleep and dream of better days.

This is the price we pay for love and life partners, the cost is high, but still worth it. Think of those that never experience what we have had for so long.

May you all find some peace and joy each day, life is short, we must all make the best of our time here.

Regards,

Pete

Comment by Jay Zimmermann on March 13, 2017 at 1:42am

At 59 I am unsure about finding anyone else to be in my life on a romantic level.  I was with my husband 31 years, and I never dated as such before we got together.  Dating sites seem so, I don't know, unreal to me.  I am not interested in just hooking up with someone.

I have gotten so I can now stand to be alone.  I feel better about me and the further.  I take things pretty much as they come.  It does get lonely, but I don't really ever feel alone.

I do get down, but remind myself that others have far less in life and far less to look forward to.  It keeps me going to know that I have a strong faith and knowledge of my Creator. 

I find something to do everyday, and still have fairly good health. Even though I lost my husband, I am learning I am blessed to still be here.  I couldn't even say that a month ago.  

Yes, things do get better with the passing of time, but it will always be difficult too.  I know this.  I was told that I had been through so much in my life that I would make it through this too, and that has proven to be the case.  Blessings all.

Comment by Deb S on March 12, 2017 at 8:09am

Marsha, Thanks for my morning laugh. Life will certainly be different for us in 30 years and we might not remember anything. Then again, everyone our age will likely be in the same boat.

I did have an angel watching over me. My friend, the waitress, kept an eye on me all evening. We even had a special code if I needed help.

I do wish you great luck. There are men looking for the same thing you are looking for and I hope you locate someone you enjoy hanging out with soon. You GO girl! Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on March 11, 2017 at 6:28pm

Deb S ...

There is nothing wrong with being private at all.  I was teasing you.  LOL 

You certainly had an angel watching over you when that waitress you knew was there for support and encouragement.  You have had quite the life my friend and so proud of you.  If you could do all that in the past I know you will hang in there and reinvent yourself throughout your grief period.  It's hard you bet, but we're all doing it in one way of the other.

It sure is a new world for me too.  I am amazed at how the world of society has changed so rapidly and I guess we never saw that when we had our spouses by our side.  I preferred the good old way of dating, but one cant have everything.  I've had so much time with 'me' I don't want to know anymore!  LOL  However, I do agree if you feel you need to spend more time on yourself you certainly know best.  We each march to a different drummer.

Thank you for giving me some luck because I feel I'm going to need it.  This should be a fun journey for all of us as I'll have stories to tell you about my dating experiences if I'm lucky to get any.

I wish you all the luck as well in whatever you endeavor and I'm sure your wishes will come true.  Sometimes miracles just come for all of us and I hope they come soon.

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on March 11, 2017 at 5:31pm

Deb S ...  Just couldn't resist this one ...  I have about 30 years too (God willing), but by then I won't know my name or recognize my friends.  Just plaster a note on my jacket!  LOL

Unfortunately, couldn't have children so I'm really on my own.  I've had a very interesting life working up North on a dam. also a pipeline company in Vancouver and I loved to get up for work in the morning to go to work.  Can't beat that.  Now retired it's difficult to find something I'm interested in.  I do have my volunteering which helps, but as you know doesn't help coming home to an empty house.  One baby step at a time.

Comment by Deb S on March 11, 2017 at 4:38pm

Harold, It isn't an easy call. On the one hand, I have a life expectancy of more than 30 years if I consider the longevity of my parents, their siblings, and my cousins. That is a long time. On the other hand, I've lived a busy life. I went to college at 16, graduated at 19, married at 20, attended law school, had 3 children, practiced law, divorced at 34, remarried at 34 and was widowed at 58. I've been married the vast majority of my adult life :).

I don't want to be lonely but I also am not ready for a significant other. Spending time on me, doing what I want to do, pursuing some hobbies, stopping to smell the roses, spending time with my children and grandchild . . . these are the things that interest me now. I never say never but will take my time.

I am excited that you are taking care of yourself and pursuing new interests. That is huge. It is awesome that you will visit your son soon.

Thanks for your comments. It helps to hear what my friends here are going through.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on March 11, 2017 at 3:53pm

Harold ...  Thanks so much for your vote of confidence and if I should get a date through a dating site I may well just run the other way.  LOL  I'm not sure if I'm ready or not, but believe in putting both feet in the water and not my toe.  I've always been like that.  If it works great and if not then I guess I just have to accept I'm on my own and hope for a miracle.

I know in my heart I'll always love Ernie and nothing will stop that, but I know he would want me to be happy too.  I would wish the same for him if it was myself that had passed away.  It's been almost 6 years for me and I just want someone to share parts of my life with and if I get lucky will just take it slow and easy and there is always an exit if I feel uncomfortable about my feelings towards that person.  Everyone gets lonely and some people enjoy being alone after the spouse passes while others just have to wait until the time feels right. 

You are so lucky your sister is taking your spoiled fur-babies while you go to California.  I have a huge problem with my two fur-babies and not one of my family would look after them while I go on a short vacation and I refuse to put them in a kennel because it would break their hearts.  The 3 days  I managed to get away for with my girlfriend my neighbors came over and would feed, sit with the dogs and let them out to do their business, but at night they were alone and it was obvious when I got back it was so hard on them.  I'll never do that again.  They have been so loyal to me since Ernie passed and I feel I owe them better than that.  Call me, 'the dog lady.'  LOL

 

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