Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on April 1, 2017 at 11:34am
MARSHA!! Ok this may sound weird, but I was thinking about you last night...and this is meant as the highest're like our MOM here. You always comment on our posts, and some of these posts are difficult to write, but YOU always respond to what we write and I'd like to thank you. I know I am new here, but I wanted you to know that I have noticed that, and am very appreciative.
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 1, 2017 at 11:28am
OMG Grtecehen, THANK YOU so much!!! I had no idea HOW I was going to make this quilt, as I've never done one b4, and since the tshirts are stretchy, I got several negative responses from "quilters"? You have just given me a perfect gift. Thank you so much.
Comment by Gretchen G on April 1, 2017 at 8:26am
Thanks Marsha, Chuck, & Mary Jane!

Mary Jane - I actually have two tshirt quilts I had gotten made from Paul's shirts. One was his "work" shirts - some button down ones he always wore to work and also tshirts from different shows he was one - and the other was just random tshirts... I swear he lived in tshirts! He had so many!

For awhile I would either sit in the glider or on the floor in Ethan's room and we'd read books with one of the blankets on top of us. But Ethan being the overly independent 2 year old he is, doesn't want to do that anymore. So we read in my bed now. Now that I think of it, I should bring that blanket in here!

But I digress... if you're interested in getting one made, I got mine done through Project Repat. You basically go online, order the size of blanket you want, and send them the shirts. Few weeks later they send the blanket back to you. I'm sure there are other places that make them also, but this one was recommended from a friend.
Comment by Mary. Jane on March 31, 2017 at 2:44pm don,t know me, I,m sort of new here, but your post about giving away your husbands items really touched me, as I will have to be moving too, in about a year...and it's SO HARD to decide if/what to keep, and what to save. Sooo, DON'T get rid of them...not until you're ready. Pack them and take them with you! Why not? It,S been 13 months since Bob died, and I was able to donate lots of things he didn't like, or wear, but it's the drawers full of little things he collected or saved that I just can't seem to go through. I start to do it, then something small, like eyeglass cleaner (of all things) will set me off, and I break down and cry. Sometimes I will get Bobs robe, and just smell it...hoping his scent hasn't faded from it. Another idea I had was to make a quilt from his Tshirts...each one he had was special, a logo, or cartoon, or something...but that will be a long time from I am just going to box up his clothes and take them with will probably b comforting to you to do that. No one told us partners, how frequently the world seems to want us to erase our loved if they never existed...everything from government papers, to return address labels..and more. just one more little piece of your loved one disappearing from this world. YOU do what you want with his possession matter how long it takes. I wish you well.
Comment by Marsha H on March 30, 2017 at 3:31pm

Dear Charles ...  You know I'm not going to let up on your fantastic writings.  LOL  Do I have to swing by on my broom! 

Love ya brother


Comment by Marsha H on March 30, 2017 at 3:30pm

Gretchen ...  What a beautiful photograph and thanks for sharing.

It's very normal to feel that Paul may not want you to give away his clothing and most of us have gone through it.  In fact, I found the opposite and felt if I was giving Ernie's clothing away and a few other things I would feel like he never existed in my life.  I slowly gave some things away and when you feel the time is right you will.

Ernie passed April 27, 2011.  Yesterday I had my nephews come up and go through countless fishing rods and reels as Ernie loved to fish and we often did go away fishing.  Although memories of the good old days of fishing together came back just like Chuck, I didn't cry like I did when I had to sell Ernie's truck/camper and his boat.  My nephews took one each of the fishing rods and the others are going to a young man at Bible Study who is a wonderful young person and I know Ernie would be pleased I chose this young man because he will appreciate and look after the fishing rods.  After my nephews left and I bundled up the fishing rods and reels I talked out loud to Ernie and told him how I missed those amazing days of sitting in the boat, rods out and just relaxing enjoying the beautiful scenery around us, but now these fishing rods needed to be used.  I realized after 3 years of his passing that these were all material things and should be put to good use so I have no doubt Ernie would want his clothing to warm someone less fortunate and give please to others with his boat, truck/camper and fishing rods.  You just take it easy as to what you feel you would want to give away.  As far as your son walking around in his daddy's shoes perhaps find something else of Paul's to give him in memory of his father. 

Making a decision to uproot your whole life and move back to where family lives is a big step and it's normal again to just tell your dad of what you are contemplating because you aren't quite comfortable with the move and I feel you are just trying to be careful and if you decide not to move where family is you won't be disappointing the whole family.  Just take one day at a time and I promise you that when the time is right for you, you'll make the right decision.



Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 30, 2017 at 2:43pm

Hello Harold,

My friend, I'm so glad your trip went well, and at the risk of repeating myself - I am so happy and proud at the way you are finding life worth living once more. You are amazing, and an inspiration to us all here...well done big guy!



Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 30, 2017 at 2:40pm

Hello Marsha,

You are always one of my enthusiastic cheerleaders - thank you for always encouraging me to express myself - I feel as though I have a purpose and future because of you my sweet sister, and because of all my family here who make me feel cared for and useful. God bless you all -



Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 30, 2017 at 2:27pm

Hello Gretchen,

Your photo most definitely brightens my day - thank you! I think Paul may be already telling you, through your daily thoughts about moving back to Ohio, that your dispersing his belongings however and whenever it feels right is what he expects you to do.

This week Steve helped me put a very large collection of parcels out for a charity to collect - with it are the last of Larry's clothing I still had. This morning I folded and carefully wrapped Larry's dress top coat and London Fog rain coat. I didn't cry, which truly surprised me...I just felt a deep sadness that we would never be grabbing our coats and adjusting each others ties as we head out to some wedding or play in NYC. Oh, to have just one more look at him all dressed up, smiling because he knows he looks very handsome and debonair. I think, Gretchen, that you have reached the same place I have, and are finding the closeness and contact we long for within our hearts, allowing us to turn loose of material goods we have been clutching for their memories.

I believe that for some of us this comes sooner, for others later - and for some never. All are only important in line with what is right for us, not outside opinions and suggestions from family, friends, and counselors. You have so much of Paul with you always in Ethan, and turning a page does not in any way mean you are closing the book.

Find peace my friend in your thoughts of travel, and if it is right, you will know in your heart.

Love to you and Ethan,


Comment by Gretchen G on March 30, 2017 at 11:58am

A nice view to hopefully brighten everyone's day a bit.  


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