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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Latest Conversations: 17 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 17 hours ago. 25 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Harold McKinstry on April 3, 2017 at 9:42am

Hi Chuck

I liked your comment about being a grieving widow or widower doesn't have to define our total existence. I have of course heard that before but never really stopped to think about it. Sometimes it's easy to fall into that rut, it's one of the few things that seem real anymore our pain. Diane's dying has taught me a lot of things, mostly bad but also that Life is fragile and death can happen when you least expect it. I hate being alone without Diane but it's the reality I face. I have two Step Daughters that have lost both of their parents, two Grandsons that their Fathers aren't in their life much, and a Father in Law that is 92 and misses his Daughter. At times when I find it hard to go on for myself I go on for them, by trying to be there for them it has helped heal myself too. Everybody has there own things to help heal, the trick is you have to be willing to acknowledge the thought of healing and finding a Life without your Loved one. I recently went to San Francisco to visit my son. It felt weird and sometimes wrong without Diane. I had a talk with myself and when I saw something I knew Diane would like I would think to myself, you would Love this I hope you can experience it through me Dear. It made it feel a little bit more okay. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 3, 2017 at 8:08am

Dear Mary Clough,

Like everyone else here, I relate to your feelings of depression, and has been said several times already, no apologies necessary ever here with this family - we all know this pain as Roland so well expressed.

Yesterday Steve and I entered a garage where Larry stored so much of the inventory for his antique/collectible business - facing the overwhelmingly daunting (at least for me until now) task of disposing of the contents before listing the home for sale. Within minutes I knew I just couldn't stay in there one more second - everywhere I looked brought back such a flood of feelings that I physically felt the weight bearing down on me.

I walked out, and sat on a bench facing the woods trying to analyze why I was still so affected by seeing "a bunch of junk" as I usually referred to it. I came to the understanding that those were things Larry had planned to repair/restore and take to shows or put into shops - plans that were not to be, and here sat before me the concrete evidence of his absence. So many unfulfilled dreams...so much unrealized potential. So much pain.

Mary, this will be with me, and with us all, for the rest of our lives, but it need not be the defining characteristic of ourselves forever - a grieving widow/widower.

Allow the sadness, the tears, and sometimes the anger to be, and when you want to share with us those feelings, we are always here, and as Marsha says - without any judgement ever.

Wishing you peace today -

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Steve on April 3, 2017 at 6:43am

Dear Mary Clough,

It is quite normal for us to fall into depression no matter how long we have dealt with our loss.  As we face each new tomorrow the weight of our loss comes and goes just like the tides of the ocean.  Sometimes I find myself so far removed from where I was 2 and a half years ago to waking up feeling exhausted and alone such as today.  Last night I dreamed of having a memorial service for my Mark, something I didn't do after he had passed.  It was his request that I donate his body to science, which I did.  The program takes care of the details and they can keep your loved one for up to one year before they are finished.  Mark was kept for 4 months; I was still reeling from deep depression and loneliness.  Fortunately for me I had found Legacy and received plenty of support.  Mark and I had no close friends at the time of his passing and I was at a loss as to what to do with his cremains.  With the help I found here and with the help of a very close friend of mine from work I settled on placing his cremains in a lamp that I found.  (one of my hobbies is finding discarded lamps and re-purposing them into something better).

Since then a lot of changes have happened to my life and more changes are going to happen which involves moving back to Dallas which is where I was when Mark passed.  When I left Dallas, I had found a church and made new friends, plus I had also made a very special and new friend and I found myself moving to New Jersey.  Talking and making plans for our future I now feel it necessary to plan a small memorial service and complete Mark's last request.  He wanted to be returned to the earth and a tree planted over his cremains.  Just seems the natural thing to do once we get settled into our new home in Dallas.  I was not expecting this to weigh in on me as did last night, my mind was playing out each and every word, detail and events leading up to it.  So today I feel exhausted in a good way, as if another weight has been lifted.  The urgency, guilt and overwhelming feeling of sadness and apprehension (for today at least) has subsided.  Not sure when I will follow thru with the plans of Mark's memorial, I just know that it will take place and that I will be ok because I have so many brothers and sisters on this site supporting me in ways that still amaze me.

So please come back here often and post, when you do you help yourself and your post will help someone else, this I know for sure.  Thank you Mary I am sending you hugs, cause you need them, take care dear sister.

Comment by Marsha H on April 3, 2017 at 4:37am

Dear Trina ...  Thank you for the lovely things you said about me.  It honestly hurts my heart when I see members of my extended family suffer so through such painful grief.  I know so well how hurtful it can be and how sneaky grief can be; we can be doing fairly well for a day or more and suddenly out of nowhere the grief blind-sides us and I still can get that way, but not as often.  I believe in time we simply get tired of grief dragging us down, turn to our deceased loved one and also for some, religion and decide to carry the torch for our beloved spouses and pass on their wisdom which we learned from them with a mixture of who we are.  That's quite a gift they left behind for us so as miserable as I can feel at times I think of that and want to do the best I can to honor Ernie.  It takes time and it doesn't come easy, but I'm so proud of each and every person on here because grief is the toughest journey we will ever take, but it's not the end of a beautiful life in the future.

Sending hugs your way

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on April 3, 2017 at 4:07am

Dear Mary Clough ... 

Mary, there is absolutely no reason why you should EVER ask for forgiveness.  Some are in fresh grief like you while some of us are ahead in our grief, but grief is grief and we do understand how you feel.

Hon, the secret to peace just for a little while is when you feel at your worst and no matter how tired you are sit down and post how you feel from your heart.  You are never judged by any of us here.

Grief takes a great deal of energy out of us so with you working no wonder all you want to do is sleep, but sleep is the #1 healer of all time.  Get as much sleep as you need and don't worry about what should be done or not done.  You have had the love of your life pass away so it's very normal to feel depression, cry, have no energy and possibly even aches and pains or simply not feeling well, but it's all normal hon.  You are a true dear heart asking how we are all doing when you are feeling so down and depressed and you know something, that means you are healing slowly, but surely.  We will never forget our spouses by any stretch of the imagination, but honestly Mary, as time passes we get stronger every day.  Don't beat yourself up because just getting out of bed each morning to go to work is a great effort and you're doing that so know that you are stronger than you think.  I also believe that our loved ones are right there next to us to give us the strength to move forward in life.  I also believe one day when it's our time we'll see them again. 

My husband Ernie passed April 27, 2017 of pancreatic cancer and I still can have days of crying and I talk to him each and every day and even say goodnight to him.  Although I have given most of his clothing away and some other items I can't part with his work clothes which are hanging up in the hallway and trick my mind sometimes that he'll be coming home, but of course I know that isn't going to happen.  We all have tricks to get through life so please lean on us so we can guide you through your grief and make you realize you aren't alone.  You can say absolutely anything that is on your mind and no one judges you and the members (your extended family now) are here for you like angels.  You are not alone in your grief and we're here for you!  So my dear, cry it all out, sleep as long as you want and know once again by getting up each morning to go to work takes strength and endurance yet you're doing it and I know your beloved is so proud of you because we sure are!

Mary, use this link to post  http://connect.legacy.com/group/bereavedspouses

Big hugs

Marsha   



Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 3, 2017 at 2:29am

Dear Mary Clough,

It broke my heart to read your post. There's absolutely no need to apologize. Life without our spouse/partner is absolutely agonizing, and we on this site are all familiar with, and understand, the feelings of despair and depression you are facing right now. Take one day at a time, and just try to keep your head above the water. 

My wonderful husband Joseph passed more than two and a half years ago, and I still find it exceedingly difficult; life for me is not worth living, but what can I do? Like everyone else here, I try my best and just take one day a time.  I find that quite not as overwhelming as trying to envisage the rest of my life.

Hang in there. Sending you love and thoughts of peace.

Trina

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 2, 2017 at 9:53pm
Thanks Rolland
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 2, 2017 at 9:53pm
Thanks Rolland
Comment by Rolland Wood on April 2, 2017 at 8:28pm
Mary Jane, There is no need to ask for 'Forgiveness' from anybody in this sad club, we're all in the same boat without a paddle at times, sometimes we have to revert to the old dog paddle to keep our heads above water, often our life savers are the friends on this site that can truly understand our pain like nobody else that hasn't suffered the loss of a soul mate can. Sending love your way dear lady, and wishing you peace. Rolland.
Comment by Marsha H on April 2, 2017 at 3:23pm

Soooo brother Chuck are you typing out some of those wise and wonderful words of wisdom and contemplating writing that book?  Thought I forgot didn't you?  LOL

Big hugs,

Love

Your sis Marsha

 

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