Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on April 5, 2017 at 3:27am

Steve ...  You are such a sweetheart and thank you so much for the invitation (be careful what you wish for.  :)  I know you both care and thank you for that.

Moving sure isn't fun and I can well imagine you're busy.  I was surprised that you used wallpaper in your bathroom because I did as well (waterproof) and it is the type that you put up and can paint any color so I painted it a light 'Sea Foam' and it's fantastic looking.  Put tiles behind the countertop and Ernie had made framed doors in white and I put the tiny iridescent tiles inside the cupboards and everyone that comes over marvels at it because it's so different. 

I know the invitation you gave me comes from both your hearts and I appreciate it and you never know.  I'll have to fly my broom during the day to try and find where you moved to.  :)

Your love and warmth means a lot to me coming from both of you and the same back many times over.

Love you both big brother Chuck and little brother Steve


Comment by Marsha H on April 5, 2017 at 3:20am

Mary.Jane ...  Seems our little secret of our bad habit of smoking is coming out on the forum.  I am proud of you for attempting to quit and pray you succeed.  I think once spring is really here and then summertime I am much busier and I will try to quit smoking then.  It's one hard habit to quit.

Although smoking isn't good for you it is not the bane of all ills.  I had 2 dogs one that had to be put to sleep at age 21 and the other at 20 and one cat before my Molly that was 22 and had to be put to sleep.  Ernie quit 3 years before he became ill (such a kicker to him) and I would smoke outside as well. 

Comment by Marsha H on April 5, 2017 at 3:15am

Mary.Jane ...  You are so sweet to post and wish me the best for my little Tootsie.  I also use to have a cat Molly and it was so strange, she passed away at the age of 10 just 5 months after my Ernie passed on.  Animals do feel grief and they give us such loyalty and support and miss those they were once close too.  Your story of your baby kitty made brought tears to my eyes.  It was so sad Bob couldn't see well because of the radiation, but, he could feel his fur baby next to him.  When Ernie was in hospital and before he got too bad with pancreatic cancer I was allowed to bring both dogs up to see him and they'd cuddle with him and then by the 3rd week Ernie told me he didn't want me to bring them anymore and that's when I knew just how hard it was for Ernie to leave me and our babies.  My heart felt as if it had been pulled out of my chest.  I know your kitty is such a rock to you and it's amazing what peace they can give us just by laying still, cuddling up to us and feeling their warm little bodies.  I was researching anal glands and surprised that so many cats have the same thing, but generally for some reason cats don't have get tumors or too many issues with their anal glands like dogs can.  You poor baby going to the vets so stressed out and I know it's best to give kitty a sedative.  My two little babies shake so hard, but I just pet them and try to calm them down as best I can.

The anesthetics they use today are much better than the previous ones and tomorrow I will take Tootsie in and she'll be given a light sedation.  Tonight I could only give her dinner and nothing else, not even water.  It was difficult later because I love to have tea and toast and you guessed it, share it with my two fur babies, but couldn't this time and oh boy, the looks I got from both of them.  LOL  I am really nervous about tomorrow, said prayers, called on Ernie to be with us and hope my little girl doesn't have a cancerous tumor. 

Thank you so my hon for your prayers and I deeply appreciate them knowing just how much grief you are going through yet you take the time to wish many of us better days or much encouragement for strength.



Comment by Mary. Jane on April 4, 2017 at 10:41pm
Oh Marsha...I hope with all my heart your little dog is ok. My baby is a kitty, and when Bob was in the hospital, he really missed I took a video of him to play for Bob. What Bob never told us, was his eyesight had been destroyed by the brain was then I realized he couldn,t see very well. When he came home to die in hospice, Rudy jumped up on the hospital bed, cuddled with him for a few minutes..and never jumped up with him again. After Bob died, he.S been my Little Rock! He sleeps with me every night we cry together...don,t think "he.s just a cat...they are very tuned into our emotions. Now he,S developed an anal gland problem...which would b no big deal except I DON!T DRIVE! And Rudy hates the vet so much, he has to be drugged up just for the Dr to LOOK at him. Anesticizing any animal,is full,of danger...but I have been able to manage this medical problem with a lot of OTC items, and constant servailance...cuz if anything happens to him, it will b the end of my world. Seriously. So I am sending up prayers for your pets..may they be healthy and happy.
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 4, 2017 at 9:35pm
Ok, here comes my big confession. I smoke. I have smoked lightly for years..maybe a pack every 3-4 days...after Bob died I started smoking a pack a day. I never tried to guit, I know how bad I must smell to others, yet that still doesn,t stop me. I AM down to 3 packs a week...and my attitude is getting in, if I get up at night to use the restroom, I don,t go out to the garage and light up any more. My daughter HATES my smoking, she's so afraid I am going to die..Bob quit in 2008 and never looked back, but I have never even tried..until now...I am not consciously trying to guit,, but I am mindful each time I light a cigarette. I light one, puff a few times and put it out for later. One cigarette can last me three visits to the garage. I know that can't be good, relighting old cigarettes, And yes, I worry about my cats lungs...he is my baby, and yet I smoke where his litter box is.
Comment by Steve on April 4, 2017 at 8:44pm

Dearest Marsha,

Please have your broom tuned up and add a side car for your pups, you will always have a place with Chuck and I no matter where we end up. 

This week we have started the task of clean and fix up so that we can get the house ready for listing.  Today we found a used cooktop to replace the worn out one and I found some inexpensive wall paper to spruce up one of the bathrooms. 

We both are ready to get this done and to move on no matter where we are led to.  Our invitation is genuine and the possibilities for all of us are numerous.

Things have a way of working for our own good when we cannot see it or even see any glimmer of hope.  All of us have gone thru so much and have come so far, I refuse to believe that we have gone through this path of grief for naught.  Our beloved spouses are ever present pushing and coaxing us to far better things than we can see or realize.

So keep your broom warmed up, keep your chin up and know that we love you and are here for you.

Hugs from your big brother (Chuck) and your little brother (me)

Comment by Marsha H on April 4, 2017 at 7:40pm

Dearest Chuck ...  Just got back from the vets and the look on his face wasn't good.  I have to bring her in at 9 AM tomorrow morning for him to do an aspiration (needle biopsy.)  Of course she will be put under a mild anesthetic.  I felt sick, my legs almost gave out on me and I cried all the way home and I'm still crying.  Some people may not realize this, but when my two fur-babies have to leave me that will be the last connection I had with Ernie because we both loved dogs.  I know you and Steve know what I mean because of Bella. 

I am hoping that my Financial Advisor can come up with some good numbers so I can keep my home.  I would have to go into a condo (which I refer to as chicken coops) because I love to garden and walk around my property.  Also townhouses aren't much better and my other little dog Booker is very vocal so I have no doubt if I was forced to live in either that the Strata Counsel would make me get rid of him and I'll sleep in a tent in a park before that ever happens.  He has licked away my tears, cuddled while I cried after losing Ernie and this small little dog has taken on the responsibility of keeping Tootsie and I safe and sound and he does mean business!  LOL 

I know smoking isn't good and I may give it a good when I can feel I'm getting a little ahead because right now I'm going backwards with so many problems.  I'm strong, but soul weary and a few breaks would sure be appreciated on my part. 

I do understand it's not easy to leave everything and move somewhere else, but remember my friend, 'a house is not a home if the right people aren't in it.'  You just grab for the stars and look forward to a new beginning. 

Love you big brother


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 4, 2017 at 7:00pm

Dear Debbie,

Larry and I were both confirmed smokers - I was since age 17, and was up to three packs a day when he came home from the doctor 20+ years ago and dropped a box of nicotine patches on the kitchen table. He had gone for treatment of his "annual" bout of bronchitis, about which I always badgered him regarding his smoking. Larry looked directly into my eyes and said "You do NOT have to do this, but I have to quit - I have pneumonia, and my lungs can't keep going if I don't quit." Just as calm as you please -  no hesitation or doubt - he was going to quit.

I knew instantly that it would be 1000 times harder for him to quit if I continued smoking, so I just said "OK, I'll call and get the prescription for the patch and we start today." We did, and we never lit up again.

I say this to you because I too was hyper-sensitive to the aroma of cigarettes, and could smell them on other people from 10 feet away. I gained 15 LBS, which I eventually made peace with after facing the ugly reality that they were my new permanent companions, unwelcome though they be.

Keep the faith, dear friend, do it for yourself. and simply take the dollars you would have spent on the nasty things and put them toward your new wardrobe - hopefully not larger in size, but if that's the case, then don't waste one minute of this precious life feeling sorry for your larger waist, when your lungs and heart are healing and getting stronger each blessed day!

Congratulations Debbie, on a positive step that reflects your continued growing  strength and healing.

Much Love,


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 4, 2017 at 6:41pm

Dear Marsha,

I so hope that Tootsie's problem is easily treated, and you and she are in my prayers. Also I pray that your advisor finds some place to coax more funds for you - being "forced" to sell your home is never easy, but for us in this family, for whom our lives with our loved ones are inexorably intertwined with our homes, it is nearly unbearable to consider leaving. That said, you have shown us all through your wisdom, your experience, and your plain old stubbornness that your are not a woman easily defeated. We're all behind you always, and wait to hear of the developments in your current challenges. By the way, little sister - for me and all who love you...please do quit smoking. Nagging accomplished.

Much Love,


Comment by Marsha H on April 4, 2017 at 3:13pm

Deb S ...  Thanks so much for being my cheerleader.  I know I need to quit smoking and will admit I'm a stress smoker.  Right now have two serious things to get over before I dare try.  My little 14 year old dog Tootsie has a lump in her anal gland and taking her in today to see if it's just impacted or a tumor and my two little dogs are the last link to my Ernie so this is not going to be fun.  I see the vet at 5 PM.  The other issue is money is going out of my accounts faster than coming in and I have to see my Financial Advisor to see if they have any tricks up their sleeve or I will have no option, but to sell my house.  I sure hope the latter isn't true and my small rancher was and still is the love of Ernie's and my life.  I try, but everyone has their hand out to be paid for the slightest of things.  Will keep you informed.


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