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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 17 hours ago. 25 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Harold McKinstry on April 5, 2017 at 4:59pm

Marsha

Ill be thinking of you and your Dog, I would have have a harder time without my 2 little spoiled rotten dogs by my side. I have had head cold since I got back from California, whenever I sneeze Sadie comes running over to see if I'm okay. I have to tell her i'm okay, then she will give me a kiss and walk away. 

Comment by Jay Zimmermann on April 5, 2017 at 3:26pm

I'm approaching my 2 year and 32 year anniversarys.   Let me explain.  Stephen passed the 15th of October last year.  We would of been legally married for 2 years the 25th of April, and we would have been together 32 years April 28th.

I have so many emotions going through me as this time approaches and this month has proven to be a busy one for me, maybe that is a good thing.

I find that I seem to be having more health issues, as I am no longer a young man and well into middle age.

I seem to have progressed with my grief past the point of denial, to the point of acceptance.  I get angry with myself that I was not at time the best support I could of been for Stephen.  I know I did the best I could.

People comment on how well I seem to be doing.  Yes and no, I still have fits of sobbing and overwhelming emotion, less so now then I did, but yes even now.  I am told this is normal and to be expected.

I am grateful for the love and support I have found since Stephen has passed.  People truly try to be supportive.  I am grateful for the stories and comments that have been shared here.  

I am grateful for the doctors, nurses and others in the professional field that I have dealt with concerning Stephen's passing and my emotional well being, as well as the support I have received from my church family.

I will conclude these remarks with something I was told by my pastor. " You have been through so much in your life.  It will be OK, and you will get through this too.  Believe in yourself."

These words have meant more to be to help me get through this than anything anyone else has said to me because they are so true.  

Trust yourself and believe in yourself.  It will be OK.  It won't be the same, but it will be OK.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 5, 2017 at 2:35pm

Hello Family,

This is a rather poignant anniversary of sorts for me. Two years ago today Larry rushed me to the hospital where I was admitted to e ICU. It was questionable whether I would live. Seventeen days later I lost my sweet man, who passed just a few floors below me in the same hospital.

Last evening, as we sat discussing those times, Steve looked at me very tenderly, and as a tear rolled down his cheek he quietly called me a living miracle.

In the long confusion of days and emotions that make up those two years, I have been shown compassion and mercy from so many sources I wondered if I hadn't succumbed after all and was still dreaming all this. But the fact is that my miracle came not only from doctors and nurses, but from a website I stumbled onto frightened and desperate to make some form of sense out of the nightmare in which I had found myself.

It was here that I began to breathe again, and here that I have found the miracle that has lifted and sustained me ever since joining. I have found a family, a life, and yes, even someone to love.

Without you all, I would be spoken of in terms of "memory" rather than "miracle", and I will be eternally grateful to you and love you from the bottom of my heart.

Your friend always,

Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on April 5, 2017 at 11:15am

Hi Marsha......I want you to know I'm thinking of you and Tootsie to day.  I'm praying all goes well with this visit.  Please let us know.

Sara

Comment by Marsha H on April 5, 2017 at 3:27am

Steve ...  You are such a sweetheart and thank you so much for the invitation (be careful what you wish for.  :)  I know you both care and thank you for that.

Moving sure isn't fun and I can well imagine you're busy.  I was surprised that you used wallpaper in your bathroom because I did as well (waterproof) and it is the type that you put up and can paint any color so I painted it a light 'Sea Foam' and it's fantastic looking.  Put tiles behind the countertop and Ernie had made framed doors in white and I put the tiny iridescent tiles inside the cupboards and everyone that comes over marvels at it because it's so different. 

I know the invitation you gave me comes from both your hearts and I appreciate it and you never know.  I'll have to fly my broom during the day to try and find where you moved to.  :)

Your love and warmth means a lot to me coming from both of you and the same back many times over.

Love you both big brother Chuck and little brother Steve

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on April 5, 2017 at 3:20am

Mary.Jane ...  Seems our little secret of our bad habit of smoking is coming out on the forum.  I am proud of you for attempting to quit and pray you succeed.  I think once spring is really here and then summertime I am much busier and I will try to quit smoking then.  It's one hard habit to quit.

Although smoking isn't good for you it is not the bane of all ills.  I had 2 dogs one that had to be put to sleep at age 21 and the other at 20 and one cat before my Molly that was 22 and had to be put to sleep.  Ernie quit 3 years before he became ill (such a kicker to him) and I would smoke outside as well. 

Comment by Marsha H on April 5, 2017 at 3:15am

Mary.Jane ...  You are so sweet to post and wish me the best for my little Tootsie.  I also use to have a cat Molly and it was so strange, she passed away at the age of 10 just 5 months after my Ernie passed on.  Animals do feel grief and they give us such loyalty and support and miss those they were once close too.  Your story of your baby kitty made brought tears to my eyes.  It was so sad Bob couldn't see well because of the radiation, but, he could feel his fur baby next to him.  When Ernie was in hospital and before he got too bad with pancreatic cancer I was allowed to bring both dogs up to see him and they'd cuddle with him and then by the 3rd week Ernie told me he didn't want me to bring them anymore and that's when I knew just how hard it was for Ernie to leave me and our babies.  My heart felt as if it had been pulled out of my chest.  I know your kitty is such a rock to you and it's amazing what peace they can give us just by laying still, cuddling up to us and feeling their warm little bodies.  I was researching anal glands and surprised that so many cats have the same thing, but generally for some reason cats don't have get tumors or too many issues with their anal glands like dogs can.  You poor baby going to the vets so stressed out and I know it's best to give kitty a sedative.  My two little babies shake so hard, but I just pet them and try to calm them down as best I can.

The anesthetics they use today are much better than the previous ones and tomorrow I will take Tootsie in and she'll be given a light sedation.  Tonight I could only give her dinner and nothing else, not even water.  It was difficult later because I love to have tea and toast and you guessed it, share it with my two fur babies, but couldn't this time and oh boy, the looks I got from both of them.  LOL  I am really nervous about tomorrow, said prayers, called on Ernie to be with us and hope my little girl doesn't have a cancerous tumor. 

Thank you so my hon for your prayers and I deeply appreciate them knowing just how much grief you are going through yet you take the time to wish many of us better days or much encouragement for strength.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 4, 2017 at 10:41pm
Oh Marsha...I hope with all my heart your little dog is ok. My baby is a kitty, and when Bob was in the hospital, he really missed him...so I took a video of him to play for Bob. What Bob never told us, was his eyesight had been destroyed by the brain radiation...it was then I realized he couldn,t see very well. When he came home to die in hospice, Rudy jumped up on the hospital bed, cuddled with him for a few minutes..and never jumped up with him again. After Bob died, he.S been my Little Rock! He sleeps with me every night we cry together...don,t think "he.s just a cat...they are very tuned into our emotions. Now he,S developed an anal gland problem...which would b no big deal except I DON!T DRIVE! And Rudy hates the vet so much, he has to be drugged up just for the Dr to LOOK at him. Anesticizing any animal,is full,of danger...but I have been able to manage this medical problem with a lot of OTC items, and constant servailance...cuz if anything happens to him, it will b the end of my world. Seriously. So I am sending up prayers for your pets..may they be healthy and happy.
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 4, 2017 at 9:35pm
Ok, here comes my big confession. I smoke. I have smoked lightly for years..maybe a pack every 3-4 days...after Bob died I started smoking a pack a day. I never tried to guit, I know how bad I must smell to others, yet that still doesn,t stop me. I AM down to 3 packs a week...and my attitude is getting better...as in, if I get up at night to use the restroom, I don,t go out to the garage and light up any more. My daughter HATES my smoking, she's so afraid I am going to die..Bob quit in 2008 and never looked back, but I have never even tried..until now...I am not consciously trying to guit,, but I am mindful each time I light a cigarette. I light one, puff a few times and put it out for later. One cigarette can last me three visits to the garage. I know that can't be good, relighting old cigarettes, And yes, I worry about my cats lungs...he is my baby, and yet I smoke where his litter box is.
Comment by Steve on April 4, 2017 at 8:44pm

Dearest Marsha,

Please have your broom tuned up and add a side car for your pups, you will always have a place with Chuck and I no matter where we end up. 

This week we have started the task of clean and fix up so that we can get the house ready for listing.  Today we found a used cooktop to replace the worn out one and I found some inexpensive wall paper to spruce up one of the bathrooms. 

We both are ready to get this done and to move on no matter where we are led to.  Our invitation is genuine and the possibilities for all of us are numerous.

Things have a way of working for our own good when we cannot see it or even see any glimmer of hope.  All of us have gone thru so much and have come so far, I refuse to believe that we have gone through this path of grief for naught.  Our beloved spouses are ever present pushing and coaxing us to far better things than we can see or realize.

So keep your broom warmed up, keep your chin up and know that we love you and are here for you.

Hugs from your big brother (Chuck) and your little brother (me)

 

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