Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Deb S on April 15, 2017 at 7:20am

Sweet - that worked!

Please know that each of you remain in my heart and prayers. I agree with everyone who credits this group as being a Godsend. Like others, I stumbled upon this group late one night when searching for a lifeline. I joined and began to read posts. I quickly discovered that every member "gets it". I found a group of caring and loving friends who soon became family . . . how miraculous is this?

I remain smoke free at 7 weeks. I took Chantix and utilized a mentor provided by the American Cancer Society. My personality is the type where I need to maintain focus and choose not to smoke. The cravings are gone. I'm just sharing this for anyone considering quitting. You can do it too if you desire . . . I promise!

I've been a bit absorbed over the past few weeks dealing with the sale of my last remaining rental property. My son is an awesome realtor and sold it quickly. He has been dealing with the details and insuring that everything proceeds smoothly. We settle on the 28th of this month. Meanwhile, I've contracted with an estate sale company to hold a sale at the house starting Thursday of this week. Bob and I had what I refer to as a purposely complicated life. 5 years ago we owned 6 properties including turn key rentals. Selling this last rental is so freeing. Deciding to sell many of the furnishings, artwork, lamps, etc. is also significantly freeing. At the same time, it is often emotionally draining to actually make this happen. You know I will be happy dancing, big time, 2 weeks from today.  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on April 15, 2017 at 6:56am

Good morning friends, I am sorry that I have been MIA. I tried to post again and again it went into cyberspace. I just read Mary Jane's note that posts seem to disappear when not posted on page 1. I'm going to try this now and see what happens.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on April 15, 2017 at 4:03am

Mary.Jane ...  Ernie had pancreatic cancer and I was so busy researching, finding a good specialist, Ernie and I honestly talked about it, but death was never in one sentence, but just hope even though I knew down deep pancreatic cancer is fatal.  We had some time at home and we were both stressed to the max and both of us slept a lot.  I tried to keep a our usual routine up until he was too much into a weakened state.  When he finally went into hospital hopefully having Whipple surgery to remove the tip of his pancreas (giving him 5 years more of life hopefully) the doctors found the cancer had spread to other parts of his body.  Ernie was full of painkillers and seeing things and I did tell every day, 3 times a day how much I loved him and he would parrot the same back to me, but not sure he understood what I was saying.  Then he got so bad he was transferred to Hospice and I met him there explaining where he was because he was so disorientated.  I was going to sleep over-night as they had a cot there and his breathing was labored, but he refused oxygen and didn't want me to stay that night.  I asked if I could come back in the morning and stay the whole day and sleep over-night with him and he weakly smiled and said yes.  I came home and sat up all night having this dreaded feeling he wasn't going to make it much longer and sure enough I got a phone call from Hospice telling me to hurry as Ernie was dying.  I was in shock and it took me a good 15 minutes to let my brain process what I'd heard.  I then phoned my girlfriend to drive me because I was in no shape to drive and just as we were leaving the house Hospice phoned and said Ernie had passed away.  I laid with him for awhile and when the doctor came in I held Ernie's hand.  I felt it was all a nasty joke and Ernie was a tease and I expected him to open his eyes and laugh, but he never did.  Did I feel I had said everything I wanted to say to him?  No!  Between heavy painkillers and his weakened state along with hallucinations I'm not sure he heard me, but one thing I know that he's around and he knows how much I loved him as I always had his best interests at heart.  For those that sadly didn't have a chance to say goodbye because of a sudden death far too quickly, they too know how much their wife or husband loved them because they were there! 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 15, 2017 at 3:53am

Chuck, you so eloquently describe this time of year to be a time of renewal, rebirth, and reawakening, so may peace visit us all during this special time.

Steve, thank you for posting the beautiful poem, very touching.

Marsha, so glad to hear that your fur baby is better now and has a new lease on life. What a relief it must be for you!

Mary Jane, like you, I consider myself blessed that Joseph and I had nine months to process, talk, and share our thoughts and feelings with each other after we got Joseph's "death sentence," his terminal lung cancer diagnosis. Even though the nine months sped by in the blink of an eye, I feel grateful that we had time to say what we wanted to say to each other. We held hands and said good-bye as Joseph took his last breath. He was only 49 years old. I realize that even in the darkest of circumstances, even in tragic circumstances, there is room for feeling grateful...

Wishing everyone here peace at Easter and Passover, especially to those who observe. On a side note, 14th April is Bengali New Year (1424); I am of Bangladeshi origin. So this indeed is a special time of year for many religions and cultures. May all the good in the universe converge and bring us all peace and healing also to the rest of suffering humanity all over the world.

Love, Trina

Comment by Marsha H on April 15, 2017 at 3:50am

Mary.Jane ...  Dreams of our spouses good or bad is part of grief.  It's a shock to realize we are alone without our beloved spouse. 

When Ernie first passed away I had one terrible dream where I was my age and he was 23 years old, the same age when I met him.  We were in a Hippy shop and I was looking in a back room at some things and when I came out he had his arm around a very pretty girl dressed Hippie-Style.  I asked what was going on and he looked me directly into my eyes and said, 'I don't love you anymore.'  I woke up with a start and felt nauseated and began to doubt if he ever loved me, but as time went on I knew he did and it was just the shock of losing him.  We dream every 1/2 hour and if we didn't we'd virtually go insane (I studied the brain and dreams) several years ago.  Our nightmares are within seconds of us just wakening from REM sleep and that's why we can remember most nightmares or, at time some pleasant dreams as if they were right there with you.  I had a few more dreams of Ernie and one I had my head on his lap (a habit we had together) and his hands were cupping my face, but when I started to look up at his face he disappeared.  I've never had a dream where I've actually seen his face.  I wouldn't get too upset over your dream and I myself believe it's caused by a feeling of being abandoned from someone we loved for years or in some cases just a short time. 

Comment by Marsha H on April 15, 2017 at 3:43am

Mary.Jane ...  Time does slowly take away the gut-wrenching feeling we went through, but, the first year is the toughest and slowly we get our own routine going, but, we never forget our spouses.  The brain helps in dealing with intense grief; often making us sleep more, crying more after the recent loss until everything seems to flow right out of us leaving us exhausted and no place to go, but acceptance.  However, we must be careful too because grief can be a sneaky thing; it leads us to believe at times we are swiftly moving forward and we are moving forward as each day passes, but, not as fast as we think.  Our brain sends out chemicals (if you want to get scientific) to help us through the intensity of that grief.  I personally felt I had been sleeping for just over a year.  I walked around like a zombie, not my usual out-going self and felt dead inside.  I detested having to talk to people to a degree (not like me at all) and I had learned the inability of not laughing or enjoying myself as family and friends did.  This is not a setback at all and it is good to accept the fact we have to recreate ourselves.  It's not an easy journey by far.

Some people who have lost their spouse can pass away fairly quickly as well; others just go through life waiting to pass away to join their loved one.  We are all different.  I feel if we have a soul mate that life isn't correct in our minds and nothing appeases some people.  It's 'the waiting game' to join them, but some live robotic in nature until their time comes.  Others can forge forward rather quicker and others can find another spouse (not replacing their true loves) while yet others don't want to have another relationship.  It just depends on the person.

I would say (and this is my opinion) you have accepted the fact Bob is deceased and not coming home.  You are tired because you've run the gauntlet of intense grief and felt so alone without him and well as missing him. Now, you know you have to strive for a new life for yourself.  I wish you luck my friend.


Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:54pm
I am sorry to ask this, but to those of you who've
had realistic dreams about your loved one, or "seen" them while you were awake..did your partner die suddenly, as in you had no time to say goodbye? I have wondered if that fact was prevalent in the ones whomHAVE had dream visits, etc. Bob had 4 months, from initial diagnosis, to death. That is a very short time, but we got to say all the things we wanted to say to each other...and a few weeks b4'he died, my daughter spent 10 days here with her Dad, saying everything they needed or wanted or say. She is so greatful they had that time together. Does not getting to say goodbye cause our loved ones to want some sort of closure? I know I am blessed to have had the short time we did, and it wasn,t instantly. I feel so bad for those of you who DIDN,t get that chance.
I also feel so badly for those of you who are younger..and have lost your love. Bob lived a good life, and he was 73 when he died. That is sortof the way it should be.."circle of life" kind of thing..and it seems kinder than loosing someone too soon. God bless all of you, and thanks for this place to vent.
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:38pm
Last night I dreamt of Bob...but this time we were sort of relating to each was NOT a dream a nutshell, he had contacted real estate people, and got an apartment, without me..he wa talking to the real estate people, not to me, and I kept asking "what about me." I can't live will I get to work? Where does the Bus run? I kept asking what about me? I can,t live here"...why did you lease this place without me? The real estate people were nice, but condescending, it was clear I wasn!t welcome there...I couldn,t be with him, I was dismissed. Bob had a three year lease on this apartment in Silicon Valley...Then I woke up. I wrote the dream down in my journal, and when I told my daughter, she got very upset, thinking it was maybe a fortelling that I only had 3 years to live, and then I would be with him.this is the first time I had ever dreamt of Bob where I had indirect contact. All the others he was just "In the group". There's a part two coming,,sorry for boring y'All.
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:25pm
THanks, Beard and Marsha...yes I like coming to this group. People say platitudes hoping they r saying the correct thing, but we all "get it" here.
Something NEW hit me yesterday. I haven,t been here for about a week, as I,ve been sick..but I feel ok now, and yesterday was ok..but a NEW thing hit me.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I spent the previous year kind of bouncing around, doing normal things, with an occasional breakdown, while in my head I was thinking: why am I acting like this? Shouldn't,t I be screaming, crying, etc...after nearly 49 years together?
Ok, yesterday i finally felt SAD, and a DEEP SENSE OF LOSS. It wasn,t was like I'd been asleep for a very long time, and was slowly waking up...and this was for real. Bob is really dead.
He is not going to walk in and say "HI, I'm home" like he used to. Maybe this is "Delayed grief?" Oddly, it isn't as bad as you would think. Maybe it's an aceptence of sort? And I have to get my "Suff" together, and get on with a life that doesn,t include him. I just feel so tired...but there's also a sense of peace. Weird, huh? Thanks for listening.
Comment by Chicago Beard on April 14, 2017 at 6:44pm

Great post. This group helped me more with my grief than anything I tried including therapy and grief groups. I am a psychotherapist myself and when my Rose passed I learned that I had known nothing about grief in spite of all my years of experience and training. When Godsend is looked up in the dictionary the definition will have nothing but the URL for this group.


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