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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Diamond Mar 29. 5 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on April 18, 2017 at 2:49pm

Harold ....  What a wonderful up-beat post and thank you so much for sharing.

I wish I was more involved with my small immediate family and I try as I've always been the glue in both sides of the family, but since Ernie passed away everyone went on with their lives.  I am a part to an extent, but not as much as I would like to be.  A little is better than nothing. 

Much resonated with me about 'regrets' after our spouses passed away and I certainly went through it myself and felt guilt, wished I'd said more of 'I love you' to Ernie.  You put things into perspective and made me rethink how our marriage was.  I'd known him 45 years and married to him almost 40 years and yes, there were bumps in the road, but we always sat down and talked about it or, if we felt we were losing our tempers we'd walk outside or into another room, but the few times we had it out over something we always ended up apologizing.  I remember Ernie telling me often how lucky he was to have me because I was such a good listener and really could understand when he hurt over something in his life or when he was ill I was there fighting like a mother grizzly and almost always won to get him the best care.  He always talked highly to others about me and I him. I was very ill shortly after we were married and he was there 100%.  I learned a lot from my dear Ernie. His love, patience and wisdom and I reminded him of those traits many times and that's why I'd fallen in love with him.  At times I'd leave funny little love notes in his lunch box and when he came home he'd have a big smile on his face.  I'd forgotten all about that.  The most endearing things he did for me were the simple things in life such as Ernie being out in the garden and he'd come in with a fistful of flowers, a grin on his face like a little boy and love in his eyes and hold out the flowers for me.  That meant more to me than any expensive gift he could have bought me.  

When Ernie became ill with pancreatic cancer we would talk, I'd research and call doctors, etc., and unfortunately, the medications they had him on changed his personality to a degree.  The stress for both of us was almost unbearable at times and there were times I'd break down and get angry and those were the times I felt that guilt.  I never cried in front of him, but hugged him, tried to keep a regular routine going and always give him hope even though both of us knew the initial outcome of his illness.  Sometimes I'd be stern with him to get him up and moving and keeping in touch with his sister and family and some of our friends, but then came a time when he was just too ill.  I look back and wonder if I pushed him too far.  Because of the medications I wondered if he still felt that love for me as he once did and because of the side effects of some of the medications.  Now I know nothing is perfect in any marriage and I was there never wavering.  Our saying always to each other was 'I've got your back.'   

You are so right about having to blame someone and at first it was the doctors, then God and finally it came down to me.  Like you mentioned I finally realized Ernie must have known how much I loved him and did the very best I could.  I had put myself 'up there' thinking I could control the issue as I had with a previous health problem he had and I had to let go of that idea and realize not everything is under our control.  All this comes in time throughout our grief and we realize we are human and did the very best we could and our spouses knew it.  We are all so very lucky to have had them in our lives.

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 18, 2017 at 1:14pm
That was so lovely, and beautifully said. I am kinda having a bad physical day with my knee, in a lot of pain, but reading your post, HAROLD, actually made some of the pain INSTANLY go away, as I read your words, and thanked God, yes, I was loved, and still am, and always will be.
Comment by Harold McKinstry on April 17, 2017 at 7:08pm

Marsha and Everyone

I am doing better, I have a good relationship with my Stepdaughters, and my Grandsons and Father in Law. They have told me how much they appreciate keeping them in my Life. It helps me and them to get through Diane's loss, we all share a connection to her. I like most people have gone through a list of I wish I would have done this or not said that, regrets. I finally realized no matter how perfect the Marriage is you always can find regrets. The best advice I can give anyone is to stop beating yourself up over regrets, it's easy to do we all want someone to blame why not yourself. The most important question I have found is did your spouse know they were Loved, Wanted and Needed in your Life. I know Diane felt those things and I did too, if so I did everything I could. I'm far from perfect but Diane knew I Loved, Cared, and did my best, results varied from time to time, but not for lack of trying. Diane was the first Women I didn't have to question in my mind did she really Love Me. Diane would say she felt guilty because of the cost of her problems I had to work, had to do extra work she couldn't, and I couldn't do some of the things I would like to do. I would always tell her you didn't ask for the problems, they're not your fault I Love You of course I don't hold it against you. Those were her regrets and disadvantage for me. All those added up to nothing compared to the fact that I was Loved and knew she would always be there for me. If you can say that about your spouse then it goes both ways all the regrets you are beating yourself up over meant very little to your spouse they just knew they were Loved and could count on you to be there for them, That's what mattered to me the most and likewise for your spouse. 

Comment by Marsha H on April 17, 2017 at 4:32pm

Dear Harold ...  Thank you so much for thinking of my little Tootsie.  I know in the scheme of things with grief a little dog may not mean much to some, but when they are part of the life you had with your spouse they are all you have connecting you to the deceased spouse.  It's just another grieving process. 

I know you and Diane made the right choice to do the surgery on your beloved pet.  They deserve a chance if there is even a slim hope.  I've owned dogs all my life and would never consider keeping a pet alive just for my benefit.  It was just that Tootsie was like a puppy on Metacam for sore joints and had a good quality of life and I just couldn't have her put to sleep.  I had no idea after the surgery how much work it is.  I have a kennel for her, but let her roam free in the house during the day when I'm home and then back to the kennel at bedtime.  She also has 4 medications to take and she's such a good girl.  The problem is she's 25 lbs., of heavy weight and I have to lift her up and down a few stairs, into the car, out to do her business and I don't know how long my back can take it.  She will get her stitches out a week this Tuesday so hope I can hang in there. 

I also can relate to how you felt about Diane in the hospital and I too was in shock and actually void of all feelings of the possibility Ernie was going to die and I'm sure that's the way the brain works ... tucks it away so we can be strong for them.  No matter how we prepare ourselves for the worst we are not prepared at all.  I know Diane knew how much you loved her just as Ernie knew. 

I truly hope you are having better days Harold and I know just how tough it can be at times.  The trick is to keep busy and sometimes we can and other times we can't. 

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Harold McKinstry on April 17, 2017 at 8:31am

Marsha   Glad to hear Tootsie doing better, we did the same thing with Diane's dog paid for surgery. They couldn't do anything for her but at least we knew we did everything we could.

Debbie  Glad to hear your still smoke free, some say it's a worst habit to kick than drugs. Although part of you probably didn't want to do it glad you sold your last place at least it's one more thing of your list of things to do. 

Mary  Diane was on a Ventilator the whole time she was in Hospital. The first 12 days she was sedated, when she came to they were concerned about brain damage. She either couldn't or didn't have the strength to write, toward the end they moved ventilator to hear throat. It was very hard for her to say much of anything. When they told me the operation went bad I went into shock. I felt the same way as when she died (minus the crying). I was in a daze all the time, did things by routine, felt dead inside. Although the Doctors and Nurses Knew how bad she was, my brain didn't consider she might die. So no we never really got to say goodbye, I told her I Loved her she would smile or squeeze my hand. 

Comment by Deb S on April 17, 2017 at 5:42am

Sara, You are right. It is bittersweet. I want him physically by my side at all times. If only wishes could come true . . . Debbie

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 16, 2017 at 10:59pm
Yes, SAra..Bob and I ALWAYS said "I LOVE YOU every day several times to each other. It always surprised me when I discovered most couples DIDN'T do this! I am glad we did. I am watching Long Island Medium right now...then it,S beddy-bye for me! Goodnight kids!
Comment by Sara Murphy on April 16, 2017 at 9:48pm

Debbie.....I'm glad to hear you're maintaining your smoke free status.  I hope you're feeling better because of it.  I can imagine the weight being lifted after selling this last property but it must be bittersweet as well. 

Beard....You've validated my feelings about never seeking professional therapy for this grief.  I wouldn't ever consider it unless I knew the therapist had the personal first hand experience of losing a spouse.  Without that experience, you can't counsel someone.

Mary Jane....In regards to saying goodbye, my husband and I did not have that chance despite his illness.  He had been sick since 2008 with various serious medical issues that I won't get into right now.   He had always managed to bounce back so we had the same expectation this time.  He had been in the hospital for a month when he passed but it was only those last 3 days that I was really concerned that it wasn't going to end well.  Prior to that, I really thought he'd be coming home so we never talked about him not or said goodbye.   I will forever regret that we were not given the chance.  We were the couple who said I Love You to each other every day several times a day for the 30 years we were together so there's no doubt in my mind that he knew how loved he was but even still, I wanted an actual goodbye.  I always thought I'd be able to hold him in my arms as he passed so I feel cheated.  Unfortunately, nothing will ever take that feeling away.

Good night all.  Whether you celebrate Easter, Passover or Trina....the Bengali New Year, I hope your celebrations were peaceful and joyous.

Sara

Comment by Deb S on April 15, 2017 at 7:35am

I've read with particular interest recent posts about dreams and signs. I dream about my husband every night. It brings me great comfort. I believe that I dream of him so my subconscious can help my conscious self deal with the reality of his death. At the moment I wake, when I am still between dream-state and wakefulness, my mind has an internal debate. I briefly think that he is still with me only to immediately accept that he is gone.

Mary Jane asked if my husband's death was sudden or if we had time to say goodbyes. It was sudden. He was hospitalized for a seizure and released to rehab for what was to be a few days. We were joking and having fun on Saturday. I asked if I should spend the night with him that night. He told me to go home. When I returned the next morning he was unresponsive. Despite heroic medical intervention, he passed away 89 hours without recovering consciousness. I stayed by his side and talked to him and felt him talking to me even though he was not awake and did not say any words.

I hope sharing helps those of you who have questions concerning dreams or signals. I have signals too but will save those for a later post.

I hope everyone has a better day today than yesterday. HUGS!  Debbie

Comment by Deb S on April 15, 2017 at 7:20am

Sweet - that worked!

Please know that each of you remain in my heart and prayers. I agree with everyone who credits this group as being a Godsend. Like others, I stumbled upon this group late one night when searching for a lifeline. I joined and began to read posts. I quickly discovered that every member "gets it". I found a group of caring and loving friends who soon became family . . . how miraculous is this?

I remain smoke free at 7 weeks. I took Chantix and utilized a mentor provided by the American Cancer Society. My personality is the type where I need to maintain focus and choose not to smoke. The cravings are gone. I'm just sharing this for anyone considering quitting. You can do it too if you desire . . . I promise!

I've been a bit absorbed over the past few weeks dealing with the sale of my last remaining rental property. My son is an awesome realtor and sold it quickly. He has been dealing with the details and insuring that everything proceeds smoothly. We settle on the 28th of this month. Meanwhile, I've contracted with an estate sale company to hold a sale at the house starting Thursday of this week. Bob and I had what I refer to as a purposely complicated life. 5 years ago we owned 6 properties including turn key rentals. Selling this last rental is so freeing. Deciding to sell many of the furnishings, artwork, lamps, etc. is also significantly freeing. At the same time, it is often emotionally draining to actually make this happen. You know I will be happy dancing, big time, 2 weeks from today.  Debbie

 

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