Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:25pm
THanks, Beard and Marsha...yes I like coming to this group. People say platitudes hoping they r saying the correct thing, but we all "get it" here.
Something NEW hit me yesterday. I haven,t been here for about a week, as I,ve been sick..but I feel ok now, and yesterday was ok..but a NEW thing hit me.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I spent the previous year kind of bouncing around, doing normal things, with an occasional breakdown, while in my head I was thinking: why am I acting like this? Shouldn't,t I be screaming, crying, etc...after nearly 49 years together?
Ok, yesterday i finally felt SAD, and a DEEP SENSE OF LOSS. It wasn,t was like I'd been asleep for a very long time, and was slowly waking up...and this was for real. Bob is really dead.
He is not going to walk in and say "HI, I'm home" like he used to. Maybe this is "Delayed grief?" Oddly, it isn't as bad as you would think. Maybe it's an aceptence of sort? And I have to get my "Suff" together, and get on with a life that doesn,t include him. I just feel so tired...but there's also a sense of peace. Weird, huh? Thanks for listening.
Comment by Chicago Beard on April 14, 2017 at 6:44pm

Great post. This group helped me more with my grief than anything I tried including therapy and grief groups. I am a psychotherapist myself and when my Rose passed I learned that I had known nothing about grief in spite of all my years of experience and training. When Godsend is looked up in the dictionary the definition will have nothing but the URL for this group.

Comment by Marsha H on April 14, 2017 at 2:21pm

Mary.Jane ...

Haven't forgotten you at all, but have had my hands full with my little dog.  She's a howler in the kennel and so I bring her out often, but have to watch her like a hawk so she doesn't jump up/down on furniture.

I did get your message and will get an email off to you tonight. 

Sleeping until 11 AM is often due to part of the grieving process and some people suffer from insomnia.  You NEVER go backwards in grief although it may seem that way.  Each day you hit the floor and go through that day is a day closer to handling the grief.  We will always miss our spouses, but we can have a life after grief.  I wish you the best Easter you can have filled with peace and some joy. 

Yes, that song was from Bob and you will see or hear other signs from him too.  It's been told that our deceased loved ones contact us the most through dreams and for sure electricity; lights flickering, songs on the radio, etc.  I am so glad you now know he's around and watching over you.



Comment by Marsha H on April 14, 2017 at 2:13pm

Up-date on my little dog Tootsie ...

Tootsie had her surgery this past Tuesday and the vet said everything went very well.  This is not a cure and the tumor will come back eventually, but it give my fur-baby some months of quality life and if lucky a year or more.  She deserves that chance.  She detests the large wire kennel I have to put her so she doesn't jump up and down and she 'hoots' rather than bark, but lately I get a sharp bark at displeasure of being there.  Wow!  LOL  It's like looking after a child and I have medications to give her, sits baths and you name it.  She had a huge plastic cone on her head and was bumping into things so I bought her a 'Zen' blow-up donut shaped collar which she likes much better and it gives her more freedom.  No walks for another 10 days.  Oh my.  My other little male Cockapoo Booker is in a funk because of the 'no walks', but he does love his sister and he is always consoling her and close by protecting her. 

The topper to all this is my small immediate family thought they were doing me a favor by having Easter at my home because I can't leave Tootsie and the only reason I agreed was I hadn't seen my great-niece (16 months old) in a long while.  I have an Easter gift for her and it just wouldn't be the same anyway not having family around 'the Motley Crew'  LOL to remember what matters during the Easter holidays ... family, friends of our religious beliefs.

Comment by Marsha H on April 14, 2017 at 2:06pm

Chuck ...  What a beautifully written post.  You said it so well and no one could have said it better!

I find in this distant society of conversing through technology with cell phones, ear phones, etc., that no one is listening; almost robotic in nature as if they have forgotten how to be human with empathy, loyalty, contact or just a plain old good hug and 'how are you.'  I come here to help others where I can, but also each one of you fills my heart with not only feeling your sadness and grief, but feeling like a family where we can come and vent without judgment. 

I wish all of you peace, as much joy as your heart can handle this Easter and Passover. 

I generally come on here in the mornings and later in the evening to see if anyone needs some help and hopefully I can let them know they are not alone in their grief.

Much love big brother


Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:20am
CHUCK, that was beautifully written and your words well chosen and touching. Thank you.
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 14, 2017 at 8:59am

                              Part 2

Dear Family,


Many of our family here are celebrating Easter, while others of us celebrate Passover. The profound significance of these two most holy of times brings me to a place of contemplation of our own experiences with our losses, and the ways in which they alter our course through life. The very season of Spring itself is a time of rebirth, renewal, and reawakening.


Passover celebrates the liberation of Jews from oppression and slavery.  Easter celebrates the liberation of Christians from sin. In each case this salvation comes at a terrible and sad price – death. It required the death of the first-born sons of the Egyptian oppressors. It required the death of the Christians’ Savior, the Son of God. These sacrifices, bring with them their requisite loss and pain, were needed for the liberation and salvation to occur, although for those who bore the heartache of these losses the price was awful and brought forth the question ‘Why?”


We all know that question – have shrieked it to the empty nighttime sky, have wept it into our lonely pillows. Answers come and go, offered by pastors, books, psychics, and well-meaning friends and family. But we know those do not relieve our grieving.


When I found Legacy, and in particular Steve Cain’s group “Bereaved Spouses”, I was numb and only half-heartedly researching counseling at the insistence of a worried friend. I expected nothing that would relieve my sorrow, or provide comfort in my loneliness. I was wrong.


Here I was accepted and welcomed into a family of caring souls who understood my feelings. Our vast differences – age, faith, location, and circumstance – were not barriers, but conduits into understanding the commonality of our grief. We are invited to examine our own experiences through the candid and generous sharing offered of our stories, our pain, and our first halting steps into a world alone without our loved one.


This place has been for almost 18 months many things – refuge, safe harbor, confessional, infirmary…and classroom. It is here my healing began and continues. My rehabilitation spiritually, mentally, and even physically are directly the result of all the loving and supportive friends I have made here.


As I reflect on this, and my wonderment at this miracle, I see the correlation to the miracles that enabled the salvation  provided through sacrifice and death at Easter and Passover. I am left feeling humbled, and bewildered…and very very grateful. Oh that the world could witness and benefit from the lessons we learn here, especially that in our humanity at times of absolute despair and grieving, our differences vanish as we hold out our hands in love and compassion to all those who are truly our brothers and sisters.


A Happy Easter, and a Happy Passover to all – I wish you all blessed peace this season and always.

With Love and gratitude,


Comment by Marsha H on April 12, 2017 at 4:35am

Steve ...  What a beautiful poem and I'm going to print it out.  Thank you for that little brother.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Sara Murphy on April 11, 2017 at 2:01pm

Steve.....I haven't seen that poem before.  I absolutely love it and have printed it out.  Thanks for posting it.

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 11, 2017 at 12:55pm
I think I had a sign from Bob this morning whe I woke up..when I went to bed last night, When I see you again" was running thru my head..but when I woke, a song I would NEVER think of, let alone hear it in my head..was playing loudly: FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. Why of all the songs in the world? Was that from Bob? I want so badly to think it was.
STEVE that was beautiful, I will print it out..MARSHA I sent u a message TRINA & SARA thank you...maybe someday we will all get affirmations..I must b feeling a bit better cuz I haven,t caved at all the lovely poems and songs yet today...I DIDN,t get up till maybe I am going into remission again from the Epstein Barr.

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