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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Latest Conversations: 17 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 17 hours ago. 25 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:54pm
I am sorry to ask this, but to those of you who've
had realistic dreams about your loved one, or "seen" them while you were awake..did your partner die suddenly, as in you had no time to say goodbye? I have wondered if that fact was prevalent in the ones whomHAVE had dream visits, etc. Bob had 4 months, from initial diagnosis, to death. That is a very short time, but we got to say all the things we wanted to say to each other...and a few weeks b4'he died, my daughter spent 10 days here with her Dad, saying everything they needed or wanted or say. She is so greatful they had that time together. Does not getting to say goodbye cause our loved ones to want some sort of closure? I know I am blessed to have had the short time we did, and it wasn,t instantly. I feel so bad for those of you who DIDN,t get that chance.
I also feel so badly for those of you who are younger..and have lost your love. Bob lived a good life, and he was 73 when he died. That is sortof the way it should be.."circle of life" kind of thing..and it seems kinder than loosing someone too soon. God bless all of you, and thanks for this place to vent.
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:38pm
Last night I dreamt of Bob...but this time we were sort of relating to each other..it was NOT a dream visit..in a nutshell, he had contacted real estate people, and got an apartment, without me..he wa talking to the real estate people, not to me, and I kept asking "what about me." I can't live here...how will I get to work? Where does the Bus run? I kept asking what about me? I can,t live here"...why did you lease this place without me? The real estate people were nice, but condescending, it was clear I wasn!t welcome there...I couldn,t be with him, I was dismissed. Bob had a three year lease on this apartment in Silicon Valley...Then I woke up. I wrote the dream down in my journal, and when I told my daughter, she got very upset, thinking it was maybe a fortelling that I only had 3 years to live, and then I would be with him.this is the first time I had ever dreamt of Bob where I had indirect contact. All the others he was just "In the group". There's a part two coming,,sorry for boring y'All.
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:25pm
THanks, Beard and Marsha...yes I like coming to this group. People say platitudes hoping they r saying the correct thing, but we all "get it" here.
Something NEW hit me yesterday. I haven,t been here for about a week, as I,ve been sick..but I feel ok now, and yesterday was ok..but a NEW thing hit me.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I spent the previous year kind of bouncing around, doing normal things, with an occasional breakdown, while in my head I was thinking: why am I acting like this? Shouldn't,t I be screaming, crying, etc...after nearly 49 years together?
Ok, yesterday i finally felt SAD, and a DEEP SENSE OF LOSS. It wasn,t depression...it was like I'd been asleep for a very long time, and was slowly waking up...and this was for real. Bob is really dead.
He is not going to walk in and say "HI, I'm home" like he used to. Maybe this is "Delayed grief?" Oddly, it isn't as bad as you would think. Maybe it's an aceptence of sort? And I have to get my "Suff" together, and get on with a life that doesn,t include him. I just feel so tired...but there's also a sense of peace. Weird, huh? Thanks for listening.
Comment by Chicago Beard on April 14, 2017 at 6:44pm

Charles
Great post. This group helped me more with my grief than anything I tried including therapy and grief groups. I am a psychotherapist myself and when my Rose passed I learned that I had known nothing about grief in spite of all my years of experience and training. When Godsend is looked up in the dictionary the definition will have nothing but the URL for this group.

Comment by Marsha H on April 14, 2017 at 2:21pm

Mary.Jane ...

Haven't forgotten you at all, but have had my hands full with my little dog.  She's a howler in the kennel and so I bring her out often, but have to watch her like a hawk so she doesn't jump up/down on furniture.

I did get your message and will get an email off to you tonight. 

Sleeping until 11 AM is often due to part of the grieving process and some people suffer from insomnia.  You NEVER go backwards in grief although it may seem that way.  Each day you hit the floor and go through that day is a day closer to handling the grief.  We will always miss our spouses, but we can have a life after grief.  I wish you the best Easter you can have filled with peace and some joy. 

Yes, that song was from Bob and you will see or hear other signs from him too.  It's been told that our deceased loved ones contact us the most through dreams and for sure electricity; lights flickering, songs on the radio, etc.  I am so glad you now know he's around and watching over you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on April 14, 2017 at 2:13pm

Up-date on my little dog Tootsie ...

Tootsie had her surgery this past Tuesday and the vet said everything went very well.  This is not a cure and the tumor will come back eventually, but it give my fur-baby some months of quality life and if lucky a year or more.  She deserves that chance.  She detests the large wire kennel I have to put her so she doesn't jump up and down and she 'hoots' rather than bark, but lately I get a sharp bark at displeasure of being there.  Wow!  LOL  It's like looking after a child and I have medications to give her, sits baths and you name it.  She had a huge plastic cone on her head and was bumping into things so I bought her a 'Zen' blow-up donut shaped collar which she likes much better and it gives her more freedom.  No walks for another 10 days.  Oh my.  My other little male Cockapoo Booker is in a funk because of the 'no walks', but he does love his sister and he is always consoling her and close by protecting her. 

The topper to all this is my small immediate family thought they were doing me a favor by having Easter at my home because I can't leave Tootsie and the only reason I agreed was I hadn't seen my great-niece (16 months old) in a long while.  I have an Easter gift for her and it just wouldn't be the same anyway not having family around 'the Motley Crew'  LOL to remember what matters during the Easter holidays ... family, friends of our religious beliefs.

Comment by Marsha H on April 14, 2017 at 2:06pm

Chuck ...  What a beautifully written post.  You said it so well and no one could have said it better!

I find in this distant society of conversing through technology with cell phones, ear phones, etc., that no one is listening; almost robotic in nature as if they have forgotten how to be human with empathy, loyalty, contact or just a plain old good hug and 'how are you.'  I come here to help others where I can, but also each one of you fills my heart with not only feeling your sadness and grief, but feeling like a family where we can come and vent without judgment. 

I wish all of you peace, as much joy as your heart can handle this Easter and Passover. 

I generally come on here in the mornings and later in the evening to see if anyone needs some help and hopefully I can let them know they are not alone in their grief.

Much love big brother

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 14, 2017 at 10:20am
CHUCK, that was beautifully written and your words well chosen and touching. Thank you.
Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 14, 2017 at 8:59am

                              Part 2

Dear Family,

 

Many of our family here are celebrating Easter, while others of us celebrate Passover. The profound significance of these two most holy of times brings me to a place of contemplation of our own experiences with our losses, and the ways in which they alter our course through life. The very season of Spring itself is a time of rebirth, renewal, and reawakening.

 

Passover celebrates the liberation of Jews from oppression and slavery.  Easter celebrates the liberation of Christians from sin. In each case this salvation comes at a terrible and sad price – death. It required the death of the first-born sons of the Egyptian oppressors. It required the death of the Christians’ Savior, the Son of God. These sacrifices, bring with them their requisite loss and pain, were needed for the liberation and salvation to occur, although for those who bore the heartache of these losses the price was awful and brought forth the question ‘Why?”

 

We all know that question – have shrieked it to the empty nighttime sky, have wept it into our lonely pillows. Answers come and go, offered by pastors, books, psychics, and well-meaning friends and family. But we know those do not relieve our grieving.

 

When I found Legacy, and in particular Steve Cain’s group “Bereaved Spouses”, I was numb and only half-heartedly researching counseling at the insistence of a worried friend. I expected nothing that would relieve my sorrow, or provide comfort in my loneliness. I was wrong.

 

Here I was accepted and welcomed into a family of caring souls who understood my feelings. Our vast differences – age, faith, location, and circumstance – were not barriers, but conduits into understanding the commonality of our grief. We are invited to examine our own experiences through the candid and generous sharing offered of our stories, our pain, and our first halting steps into a world alone without our loved one.

 

This place has been for almost 18 months many things – refuge, safe harbor, confessional, infirmary…and classroom. It is here my healing began and continues. My rehabilitation spiritually, mentally, and even physically are directly the result of all the loving and supportive friends I have made here.

 

As I reflect on this, and my wonderment at this miracle, I see the correlation to the miracles that enabled the salvation  provided through sacrifice and death at Easter and Passover. I am left feeling humbled, and bewildered…and very very grateful. Oh that the world could witness and benefit from the lessons we learn here, especially that in our humanity at times of absolute despair and grieving, our differences vanish as we hold out our hands in love and compassion to all those who are truly our brothers and sisters.

 

A Happy Easter, and a Happy Passover to all – I wish you all blessed peace this season and always.

With Love and gratitude,

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H on April 12, 2017 at 4:35am

Steve ...  What a beautiful poem and I'm going to print it out.  Thank you for that little brother.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

 

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