Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 15 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Corey. Last reply by Diamond Mar 29.
Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27.
Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12.
Good morning friends, I am sorry that I have been MIA. I tried to post again and again it went into cyberspace. I just read Mary Jane's note that posts seem to disappear when not posted on page 1. I'm going to try this now and see what happens. Debbie
Mary.Jane ... Ernie had pancreatic cancer and I was so busy researching, finding a good specialist, Ernie and I honestly talked about it, but death was never in one sentence, but just hope even though I knew down deep pancreatic cancer is fatal. We had some time at home and we were both stressed to the max and both of us slept a lot. I tried to keep a our usual routine up until he was too much into a weakened state. When he finally went into hospital hopefully having Whipple surgery to remove the tip of his pancreas (giving him 5 years more of life hopefully) the doctors found the cancer had spread to other parts of his body. Ernie was full of painkillers and seeing things and I did tell every day, 3 times a day how much I loved him and he would parrot the same back to me, but not sure he understood what I was saying. Then he got so bad he was transferred to Hospice and I met him there explaining where he was because he was so disorientated. I was going to sleep over-night as they had a cot there and his breathing was labored, but he refused oxygen and didn't want me to stay that night. I asked if I could come back in the morning and stay the whole day and sleep over-night with him and he weakly smiled and said yes. I came home and sat up all night having this dreaded feeling he wasn't going to make it much longer and sure enough I got a phone call from Hospice telling me to hurry as Ernie was dying. I was in shock and it took me a good 15 minutes to let my brain process what I'd heard. I then phoned my girlfriend to drive me because I was in no shape to drive and just as we were leaving the house Hospice phoned and said Ernie had passed away. I laid with him for awhile and when the doctor came in I held Ernie's hand. I felt it was all a nasty joke and Ernie was a tease and I expected him to open his eyes and laugh, but he never did. Did I feel I had said everything I wanted to say to him? No! Between heavy painkillers and his weakened state along with hallucinations I'm not sure he heard me, but one thing I know that he's around and he knows how much I loved him as I always had his best interests at heart. For those that sadly didn't have a chance to say goodbye because of a sudden death far too quickly, they too know how much their wife or husband loved them because they were there!
Chuck, you so eloquently describe this time of year to be a time of renewal, rebirth, and reawakening, so may peace visit us all during this special time.
Steve, thank you for posting the beautiful poem, very touching.
Marsha, so glad to hear that your fur baby is better now and has a new lease on life. What a relief it must be for you!
Mary Jane, like you, I consider myself blessed that Joseph and I had nine months to process, talk, and share our thoughts and feelings with each other after we got Joseph's "death sentence," his terminal lung cancer diagnosis. Even though the nine months sped by in the blink of an eye, I feel grateful that we had time to say what we wanted to say to each other. We held hands and said good-bye as Joseph took his last breath. He was only 49 years old. I realize that even in the darkest of circumstances, even in tragic circumstances, there is room for feeling grateful...
Wishing everyone here peace at Easter and Passover, especially to those who observe. On a side note, 14th April is Bengali New Year (1424); I am of Bangladeshi origin. So this indeed is a special time of year for many religions and cultures. May all the good in the universe converge and bring us all peace and healing also to the rest of suffering humanity all over the world.
Mary.Jane ... Dreams of our spouses good or bad is part of grief. It's a shock to realize we are alone without our beloved spouse.
When Ernie first passed away I had one terrible dream where I was my age and he was 23 years old, the same age when I met him. We were in a Hippy shop and I was looking in a back room at some things and when I came out he had his arm around a very pretty girl dressed Hippie-Style. I asked what was going on and he looked me directly into my eyes and said, 'I don't love you anymore.' I woke up with a start and felt nauseated and began to doubt if he ever loved me, but as time went on I knew he did and it was just the shock of losing him. We dream every 1/2 hour and if we didn't we'd virtually go insane (I studied the brain and dreams) several years ago. Our nightmares are within seconds of us just wakening from REM sleep and that's why we can remember most nightmares or, at time some pleasant dreams as if they were right there with you. I had a few more dreams of Ernie and one I had my head on his lap (a habit we had together) and his hands were cupping my face, but when I started to look up at his face he disappeared. I've never had a dream where I've actually seen his face. I wouldn't get too upset over your dream and I myself believe it's caused by a feeling of being abandoned from someone we loved for years or in some cases just a short time.
Mary.Jane ... Time does slowly take away the gut-wrenching feeling we went through, but, the first year is the toughest and slowly we get our own routine going, but, we never forget our spouses. The brain helps in dealing with intense grief; often making us sleep more, crying more after the recent loss until everything seems to flow right out of us leaving us exhausted and no place to go, but acceptance. However, we must be careful too because grief can be a sneaky thing; it leads us to believe at times we are swiftly moving forward and we are moving forward as each day passes, but, not as fast as we think. Our brain sends out chemicals (if you want to get scientific) to help us through the intensity of that grief. I personally felt I had been sleeping for just over a year. I walked around like a zombie, not my usual out-going self and felt dead inside. I detested having to talk to people to a degree (not like me at all) and I had learned the inability of not laughing or enjoying myself as family and friends did. This is not a setback at all and it is good to accept the fact we have to recreate ourselves. It's not an easy journey by far.
Some people who have lost their spouse can pass away fairly quickly as well; others just go through life waiting to pass away to join their loved one. We are all different. I feel if we have a soul mate that life isn't correct in our minds and nothing appeases some people. It's 'the waiting game' to join them, but some live robotic in nature until their time comes. Others can forge forward rather quicker and others can find another spouse (not replacing their true loves) while yet others don't want to have another relationship. It just depends on the person.
I would say (and this is my opinion) you have accepted the fact Bob is deceased and not coming home. You are tired because you've run the gauntlet of intense grief and felt so alone without him and well as missing him. Now, you know you have to strive for a new life for yourself. I wish you luck my friend.
Charles Great post. This group helped me more with my grief than anything I tried including therapy and grief groups. I am a psychotherapist myself and when my Rose passed I learned that I had known nothing about grief in spite of all my years of experience and training. When Godsend is looked up in the dictionary the definition will have nothing but the URL for this group.
Haven't forgotten you at all, but have had my hands full with my little dog. She's a howler in the kennel and so I bring her out often, but have to watch her like a hawk so she doesn't jump up/down on furniture.
I did get your message and will get an email off to you tonight.
Sleeping until 11 AM is often due to part of the grieving process and some people suffer from insomnia. You NEVER go backwards in grief although it may seem that way. Each day you hit the floor and go through that day is a day closer to handling the grief. We will always miss our spouses, but we can have a life after grief. I wish you the best Easter you can have filled with peace and some joy.
Yes, that song was from Bob and you will see or hear other signs from him too. It's been told that our deceased loved ones contact us the most through dreams and for sure electricity; lights flickering, songs on the radio, etc. I am so glad you now know he's around and watching over you.
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