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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on April 21, 2017 at 7:14pm
STEVE...was Marks death unexpected? I don,t understand why they called the police when u called the ambulance..oh, wait, I just "got it". Bob died at home too...but hospice told me NOT to call an ambulance, but to call THEM when he died...now I see why.if I had called the ambulance first, they would have called the police. I am sorry that happened to you...but You and I got what others DIDN'T get...a short time alone with our partner with just us after they died. Although most of it was horrid, we both got a few private moments with them. I knew it was going to be a very short time until Bob died, but I DIDN,t realize it would be that short. I had left his side for just a moment...when I realized I couldn,t hear his breathing on the baby monitor I always carried...and ran into the room he was in, and he was gone. I got to hold him, and kiss him, I even tried to resesitate him...so I covered him with his blanket, but left his nose and mouth uncovered, in case he "came back" he could breathe. There was no ambulance...just a hospice nurse, and then a hearse, and they asked me if I had clothes I wanted him creamated in, so I gave them some clothes, and they wheeled him away. I had them remove the t-shirt he died in...it was clean, hospice had been there that morning...and I folded that shirt and kept it. I keep it inside a plastic bag in the backpack I have with anything I wish to keep in case there is a tornado...and a few times I have opened it, and it still has his good smell...and that was it. He was gone and he is never coming back.
Comment by Harold McKinstry on April 21, 2017 at 6:31pm

Chuck 

Nice Letter to Larry, you said what a lot of feels but have a hard time putting into words. Diane knew the way to look through my different faces for different situations and see the real me also. My Sister is a going through a Divorce, she had a simple medical procedure done and I went to the Hospital for her. She told me not to worry she would be there for me too. Hang in there my Friend. You help all of us a lot. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 21, 2017 at 6:18pm

Dear Chuck,

I just read your post on the 2nd anniversary of Larry's passing, and I can't stop the tears from flowing. Your letter to Larry voices so many of the things that I would tell Joseph if I were writing to him--how much I miss him and how I will never stop loving him for as long as I live.

You show courage when you say some of the more difficult things personal things about your life together with Larry. But your courage and frankness are a tribute to Larry's memory. Larry knows how much you love him and what you did or didn't do was out of your deep love for him.

On this day of remembrance and introspection, I send you much love. Please know that I am holding you close and sending you prayers for healing and peace.

With love and deep empathy, Trina

Comment by Sara Murphy on April 21, 2017 at 5:52pm

Chuck......thinking of you on this sad anniversary.  That was a beautifully written letter to Larry.  I wish I could take the pain away.  Know I'm giving you a cyber hug.

Love, Sara

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 21, 2017 at 3:14pm
For Rolland, Sara and Marsha, thank you...but for Steve and Charles, I don,t know what to say..only that I wish I could wrap my arms around you, and let you both cry on my shoulders, and take away some of your painful agony.
Comment by Sheri Dettman on April 21, 2017 at 10:07am

Apologies if this posts twice. I was also afraid for my two kitties, that I wouldn't be able to take care of them after Bill died. After all, I couldn't save him, so what made me think I could take care of the cats? Of course, they are fine and now that I removed Bill's clothes and shoes from where they could smell them, I think they are doing better. I know they still wonder where he is as they go into his office like they used to and it's like they are waiting for him. Thank goodness that I have them as there are days that they are the only reason I get up in the morning.

Comment by Sheri Dettman on April 21, 2017 at 9:54am

I haven't been here in a while but I still think of all of you. I'm coming up on 8 months since Bill died and all of your comments ring true. I was very scared in the beginning of being alone at night. That has gone away and I set my "stay" alarm at night. The rest of the fears and concerns are the same. I still talk to Bill every day, several times a day and ask him to look out after me and to help me make good decisions. I still cannot believe that this is my life and that he was taken from me. Charles, your piece below was beautiful. We just try to keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other and do the best that we can. I finished reading Healing After Loss and have started it from the beginning again. I have a girlfriend that I have become very close to as she lost her husband 3 months before Bill died. We went on a trip to St. Martin together and are going to Maui in a month. It's good to get out of the area to see that there's life going on outside of our bubbles. It's helpful to have someone who has been thru it to talk to and do things with. But mainly they understand when you are having a hard day or week or month. It doesn't get any easier, we just learn how to adapt. I pray for all of you what I want for myself. Peace. I had it with Bill and I hope to one day have it again.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 21, 2017 at 9:32am

 

I’m here more than I am not…

 

Dear Larry,

 

            Tomorrow it will be two years since you disappeared. Two years ago I too disappeared. I don’t know to this day exactly where we both went, only that we didn’t go to the same place. I was frightened being alone without you. You were always the one who knew how to calm me down, and how to talk me down when I got too close to the edge. You saw me…me – not the face I wore for the world, or even sometimes for you. You recognized the me beneath it all, and for reasons I’ll never truly know, you loved me.

 

            I loved you too. Did you know that? Do you know it now? I‘ve been away for what seems an eternity, and during that time I have been missing you more than I imagined a person could miss another. The silence has pounded in my ears until I thought I’d go mad. The emptiness of the house reflects the emptiness inside me. Every now and then I thought I caught a glimpse of you – in the birds, in the trees…in the sunsets I watched alone from the porch sitting next to your empty chair.

 

            Then I began to catch glimpses of myself – in the music playing on the stereo, in the daylilies growing by the garage – in the reflection seen in the glass over the sink in the kitchen, vague and transparent,  but there. I started to hear myself sometimes, to feel my body moving, and to realize that I was starting to think again. Sometimes anyway. Mostly I still wasn’t here, just like you weren’t here.

 

            I talk to you, and more and more I tell you things I’ve been afraid to say. Today I want to say them…

 

            I don’t know why I’m still here – why I lived and you did not. I’m sorry for that – it should have been the other way around.

 

               I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you at the end – I should have been, but I thought it would make it worse for everyone else. I don’t talk to your children, because I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t talk to your sister for the same reason. I see your friends, and I try to let them know how much you loved them, but in their faces I see how much they miss you still. You were more loved than you knew. I hope you know now.

 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 21, 2017 at 9:29am

Part 2

I’m sorry I didn’t do more to make you see the doctor when it all started – I’m sorry I wasn’t more there. I was frightened right from the first day you asked me to look at the sore on your ear, as if I knew it was already killing you. I wish I had fought harder.

 

            Mostly, I’m sorry I said no when you wanted us to have a wedding – I was afraid you would be too weak, and the treatments would make you sick, so I said not now…later. I wish there was a later. I started disappearing even then.

 

            Now there are times I seem more like my old self my friends say – but those closest to me know it is only when I’m here. I am not always here. I don’t know where I go still, but it doesn’t frighten me anymore like it did at first. I know I’ll be back, and my friends will be here waiting. My life will be waiting. I stopped asking why of everything. Mostly anyway. I don’t fear the future like I did, because whatever it brings can’t be worse than two years ago. I survived…and that still leaves me quietly wondering if there is a reason.

 

            I will never stop loving you. I will never stop missing you. I will never stop wishing it was all a bad dream. But I guess there is this on the positive side:

  

These days, I’m here more than I am not…

Comment by Sara Murphy on April 21, 2017 at 9:28am

Mary Jane......Yes, fear is normal but knowing that doesn't make it easier.  When we lost our spouses, we lost a huge part of ourselves, we lost our support system, we lost the one person on the planet that we knew would always be there.  Now that one person is no longer there for us to call and talk to.  For me, I now see how scary life is.  I never noticed before because I always had Ken by my side and together, we could get through anything.  Honestly, we had so many more good times than bad times so life didn't seem so scary. Now, I no longer feel normal and no longer look at the world in the same way.  Marsha mentioned all the big fears such as home invasion and dying alone.  Then there are the other fears such as things going wrong with my house or what do I do when I need to buy a new car.   These are things I always had Ken for but now I'm on my own.  For now I just push these fears aside.....I don't want to focus on what I don't need to right now.   You can keep coming here for support which will hopefully help dull your fears.  I've also heard meditation is helpful for stress relief but I don't meditate so I can say for sure.

Steve...Wishing you a belated happy birthday.  I hope you and Chuck celebrated.  Maybe he baked you a cake :)

 

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