Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10. 3 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

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Comment by Marsha H on May 2, 2017 at 4:01am

My Dear Sara ...   am so very sorry to hear of your friend Steve and yes, I understand it must bring back memories of your Ken and not an easy task to go through.  I am so proud of you for putting your own grief aside and be by your friend Sara's side and take this difficult journey with her.  You are wonderful friend to have and anyone of us here will attest to that.  I am sure you were strong for her, but saddened inside.

Three weeks after Ernie passed away my neighbor had a friend pass away and just couldn't go alone and asked me to go.  I was still in shock at that time, but I went and I can remember the wave of heartbreak wash over me being at the Celebration of Life, but I managed and as if by some miracle I saw a woman standing alone by the doorway and I went over to talk to her and she had just had her husband pass away. 

I can't answer why God decides to take the young.  All I know is death knows no age.  I am fighting my own faith over this one and trying to understand why.  I don't think we will ever get an answer until we pass ourselves. 

Many hugs to you hon and we're here for you.


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 1, 2017 at 6:17pm

Dear Sara,

I'm very sorry about your loss of your friend's Steve. Tonight will certainly be quite difficult emotionally, and you will be a great comfort to your friend Sara. Indeed those questions surrounding such losses can challenge our resolve and our faith - I think that is natural even for the most steadfast of us. Last night, while Steve slept in a chair, I watched a movie on TV called "Moonlight and Valentino". It was about a young wife losing her husband suddenly in a tragic accident, and how her family and friends gathered to try helping her through the first week, then the ensuing months. There was much honesty in the writing, especially in the way the woman said small comments or did certain things that convinced me the writer must have experienced loss and grief to get it so right. I had a few truly rough moments during commercial breaks when I had to walk around quietly and try to keep from going to pieces. There were no easy answers to why this happened, but near the end she said something to the effect that this thing changed her and was permanently part of her life now, but now she believed could survive and move toward new and different things as a new and different version of herself.

I will be thinking of you tonight, and send my prayers to you and your friend. Dear friend, your sensitivity and compassion will be a great gift to her in the times ahead.



Comment by Sara Murphy on May 1, 2017 at 11:19am

Tonight I'll go to the wake for the spouse of an old high school friend.  He was only 48 yrs old.  I feel like I'm re-living the early days of losing Ken.  My friend Sara lost her husband Steve last Thursday.  He had first gone to the hospital maybe 6 weeks ago and was in for almost a month while determining what his issue was.  It turns out Steve's liver was failing which then caused his kidneys' to fail and he required dialysis.  It's very reminiscent of Ken as he had the kidney transplant which went fine but then the infection was killing his liver.  I was praying so hard for Steve to improve and when he was finally released from the hospital, I was so happy for Sara.  That was short lived.  Less than a week later they were back at the ER and a couple days after that, he entered hospice.  I don't understand why so many good young people are being taken.  I try to keep my faith but it gets really hard at times like this.

Comment by Marsha H on April 27, 2017 at 4:55am

Sara ...  It's so wonderful to hear from you and here you are throughout your own grief and hard times comforting me and I certainly appreciate it.  As much as my family is dysfunctional I do love them, but hope before my time comes they grow up and enjoy who I am and enjoy the memories we've had together.  I don't feel so bad for myself as I do them.  Yup, that Karma is a kicker!

I hope your days are fill with peace and joy my dear friend.



Comment by Marsha H on April 27, 2017 at 4:52am

Harold ...  You sure made me laugh over 'swift kick in the nuts.'  I'm surprised your post went through and glad it did.  LOL They say the bigger you are the harder you fall.

Thank you so much for the nice compliment and I do feel safe and comforted by all of you.  I don't often complain, but every so often it's more than I can bare and there you all are in your own grief comforting me and we all so blessed because of it.  We cover each other's backs!



Comment by Marsha H on April 27, 2017 at 4:50am

Dear Steve ... 

I am so pleased I could help you little brother in some small way.  Yes, the Eternal Father has led you and many down different paths until you get on the right road and you seem to be there now so as I said, reach for the stars and dance!  Bella was meant to be and part of your journey.  When we reflect back on our lives we missed a lot of the reasoning of life because we were too busy living.  Now I know grief as much as we dislike it is a part of our lives where we are forced to reflect deeper into ourselves, count our blessings, realize we had gone through all those things to end up being stronger, more tolerant of others and more loving.  Now you are blessed with another so enjoy my dear friend.

You do have a wonderful family here and always will.  I don't think I would have made it without Legacy and all the family past and present helping me along.  I admire their grace through grief, their strength, their compassion and how open and honest they are about how they feel which is quite difficult for some.  We are all truly blessed.

Big Hugs

Your Sis


Comment by Sara Murphy on April 26, 2017 at 9:15am

Marsha....I'm just stunned that your nephew said that to you.  There is absolutely no excuse for being so inconsiderate.  His parents should be ashamed of him (and he should be ashamed of himself).  I'm sorry that your small family can't be there for you in the way family should.  The day will come when they walk in your shoes.  Karma has a way of evening things out so while they think it's funny now, they won't be laughing when it's their turn. 

Comment by Steve on April 26, 2017 at 8:53am

Thank you Harold, I can see better days ahead of me; no matter what may come my way.  Looking back sometimes helps us to see where we have been, just so we can understand where we are today.  Does not mean that everyday will be good or bad or better, all we can do is find our way from one day to the next as best we can.

I was dreading turning 70 this past month on the 20th, now that it has come and gone, the stigma has left me.  I do not feel any older than I did before my birthday, I feel good, I feel healthy and I am at peace with my past.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on April 26, 2017 at 8:40am


I agree with what everyone says that family hurts most of all. If someone I barely know says something stupid, I brush it off I don't care what they think. When someone says something stupid like that I try to tell myself there just an idiot why do I care what they think. I would still like a chance with your nephew, considering his size nobody said I have to fight fair, a swift kick in the nuts will bring down the biggest guy then kick him when he is down. You know and we know the warm and loving person you are, don't let someone who is an idiot change that in your mind. You are muched Loved and Valued by everyone on this site.  


Comment by Harold McKinstry on April 26, 2017 at 8:29am


Sorry for all the crap you have gone through being gay. I had a favorite Uncle that was gay, my parents bought only Neapolitan Ice Cream. My uncle was from New York, the first thing he did when he visited was go to Mooneys and get us 2 half gallons of Ice Cream. I remember saying I want to be like my Uncle when I grow up, my parents were probably cringing at that.  I'm glad you have found some peace and hope you have better days ahead.


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