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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Started by denise. Last reply by Sara Murphy Oct 10. 3 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on May 5, 2017 at 3:51pm

Mary.Jane ...  I'm truly sorry that you had that terrible reaction to cortisone and became deeply depressed.  I can still the odd time get deeply depressed and all one can do is rest and either come on Legacy or, for some keep to oneself.  You are tough girl, so hope you are feeling much better.

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 5, 2017 at 11:22am
TIFFANY!!!! I am going to say ONE word...NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Ok, now I am going to give u some straight talk. I will not sugar coat it. First off, I am guessing you are pretty young...you were the first person I ever responded to on Legacy, about your MIL..and it was only 2 weeks after your fellow had died. Now it's 4 months, and someone wants to have a relationship with you??? You listen to what everyone here said to you! OMG! girl, NO! Honey, I know you are lonely and scared, but anyone who would want anything but friendship at this stage I would hesitate to trust. He might b the nicest guy in the world, but if he is decent, he wouldn,t be doing this "soft pressure" like it sounds. Tiffany, it!s a BIG BAD WORLD out there, full of people waiting to take advantage of others, that prey on the weak. TRUST NO ONE?..at least for a year! Maybe more. After Bob died, I hesitated to tell people, because I was, and still am, distrusting of everyone. It is a safely mechanism...you are still in the SHOCK stages of your grief, who you are now isn,t who you will b a year from now. I m BEGGING you to do one small thing...BUY A JOURNAL and write down you feelings, what is happening to you, anything you feel like writing. It will really help u. Also, I am guessing you live alone? Do you have any pets? If not, consider getting one. Since you work, I wouldn,t suggest a dog...maybe a cat? This is kitten time, and thousands of kittens will need a home, and you need something to CARE FOR!! Think of it as saving TWO lives...yours and the animals.
Tiffany, I know you are scared, confused, and a Miriam of other emotions, but embrace them. That might b the only way to get through this...and it might get worse, before it gets better, but you can do it. And BE CAREFUL!!!!! For now, don,t trust anyone..you were smart to come here and tell us. Follow your instincts and it's k to sit in your closet and cry all you want...4 months is NOTHING!
Right after Bob died, I wanted to run down and get a memorial tattoo! But someone told me to wait at least a year b4 making any decisions. I still haven,t done it...it's on my "to do" list..but I am NOT the same person I was a year ago, and I am just BEGINNING to realize that Bobs death isn,t one bad dream..I am waking up and you need to wait until the shock is over. Again, don,t trust ANYONE who urges you to do ANYTHING you are not ready to do, and follow your instincts.in fact, not trusting anyone at all might b a good idea until you r ready. It is Gods way of protecting us..untill we are ready to make decisions for ourselves.
Comment by Mary. Jane on May 5, 2017 at 10:31am
Hey everyone! Miss me? LOL? I haven,t been here in two weeks..I had a HORRIBLE mental depressing reaction to a shot of cortisone...I was so depressed I even thought about "the subject we must not contemplate"..but I am better now. It was worse than the day Bob died...but I am going to be ok. I did read everyone's post, but couldn,t bring myself to respond to anything. So, thanks for being here..and now I am going to start a new post for TIFFANY.
Comment by Sheri Dettman on May 5, 2017 at 9:28am

To follow up on Option B, I've now finished it and discovered that there is a huge online support group on Facebook. Just put in Option B and it will take you there. One of the most inspirational blogs is from Patton Oswald whose wife died a year ago in her sleep at 40 something years old. He's a really good writer and I think that most of you would like reading not only his words, but what others have commented on.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on May 4, 2017 at 3:05pm
Sara
Sorry to hear about your friend Steve, I haven't had to go to a Funeral yet but sure it will bring back a flood of Memories. I have been in Hospital a couple of times, it brings stuff back to me. That's a nice way to look at it that Ken has a buddy to hang out with. Hope your doing reasonably well.
Comment by Marsha H on May 4, 2017 at 3:40am

Gretchen ...  So good to hear from you.  Not much going on just outside of Vancouver, B.C. where I live with the exception that we have a lot of cold, rainy days and the very few days we get with a little sun it torments us by going behind clouds and the weather can turn nasty in a Nano second.  Planting will be late, but I managed to get out in my gardens one day and really worked up a fever doing as much as I could.

April 27 was the 6th anniversary of Ernie's passing and I found this year that I just didn't want to celebrate it.  Of course I do love him, miss him with all my heart, but the reality is he isn't coming back so no reason to celebrate.  I only celebrate our wedding anniversary and Christmas.

Like most of us have ups and downs and little by little things are getting a wee bit better.  I find after one has gotten over the intense grief (each person is different) I have certainly faced reality and tried to reinvent my life as best I can.  It's sure not easy though.

Hope you are doing well and don't be a stranger.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Sheri Dettman on May 3, 2017 at 4:18pm

Don't know if any of you have read it yet, but I highly recommend Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. I'm about 3/4 of the way thru and find it very helpful. She addresses pretty much everything that we all have gone thru, are going thru or will go thru.

Comment by Marsha H on May 3, 2017 at 4:14pm

Dear Tiffany ...  I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away all your grief, but unfortunately we have all come to realize grief is part of life whether we like it or not.  I truly feel your pain because you boyfriend and you didn't even have time together as a couple, getting married, etc.  Death doesn't make sense to any of us when the person is so young.

Your grief is far too raw yet and when I went to counseling they said not to make any important decisions for a year or until YOU feel ready.   Grief is a process where we cry our eyes out, having problems sleeping or perhaps either eating too much to fill that pain or don't have an appetite.  We tend you bury ourselves in our work to shut out the pain, but we all know once home we have the reality of grief shoved in our face.  It can seem for some of us that Grim Reaper has parked at our door when all we hear is bad news and I went through that myself.  Two friends passed away for me, then my Ernie's youngest brother and now his oldest brother has heart issues and it doesn't sound good. 

The young man that is interested in you seems to care enough about you to wait until you feel the time is right.  He's doing the only thing he knows and that's to keep the conversation light because there are no words of wisdom from those who have not lost someone close to them. If you need to talk and you feel he's understanding then be honest with him about your feelings.  Apparently, he's wise enough to give you some space, but that doesn't mean you can't keep him in your life as a friend for the time being.  It is strictly up to you.

Guilt is one phase we all go through with questions such as, 'Did I do enough?'  'What did I miss.'  'I should have paid more attention.'  Perhaps an small argument ensued or you didn't let your boyfriend know how much you loved him close to the time of his death.  We all go through this.  It's very normal and you did nothing wrong.  Your boyfriend knew you loved him without even saying a word. 

You are not crazy and your posts are not too long.  Often posting about your feelings alleviates pressure and knowing the angels on Legacy know exactly how you feel brings one peace.  My Ernie passed away in 2011 and April 27th was the anniversary of his death.  I was able to face reality that he was never coming back, but do believe they are around us guiding us through our grief and wanting us to be happy.  I talk t Ernie in the car or at home and I don't care if anyone feels that's crazy or not.  We were married for almost 40 years.  No matter what the age or how long you've known the person who passed away grief is grief and hurts just as much.  Just keep coming back to Legacy as we're here for you Tiffany and will always lead you down the right path from our own experiences.

Big hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 3, 2017 at 2:41pm

Tiffany,

PS : grief is indeed a bitch...and sometimes when a bitch tries to knock you  down, all you can do is be a bitch right back at her!

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 3, 2017 at 2:38pm

Dear Tiffany,

I wish to concur with Sara's opinion regarding the fact that your grief is much too raw and fresh to feel comfortable allowing anyone, no matter how well meaning, to rush you toward anything for which you are not ready. We all here realize from our sharing with one another that unless a person has experienced for themselves the devastation of losing their most most beloved soulmate, they cannot fathom the vulnerable state in which we exist.

A true friend will try to understand and allow you as much time and space as you need to get through this early period of guilt, sadness, and confusion after your terrible loss. It is probably good that he is honest in expressing his growing attachment, but it is even better that you let him know you are dealing with all you can handle right now.

A favorite phrase I picked up somewhere has been my response countless times over the past two years whenever someone asks when I will be ready for "fill-in-the-blank". I look into their eyes and quietly say "I'm dancing as fast as I can." Often this is met with a confused silence and quick glances toward the door, but some intuitive friends simply get it and say "OK - I don't mean to pressure you - I'm sorry."

I know you will have mixed feelings about relationships, love, and guilt and also know that you will get through this...just give yourself what you are asking of your friend - time.

Wishing you a peaceful day and week,

Love, Chuck 

 

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