Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: on Tuesday
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16.
Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018.
I don't have words to express my shock and disgust at the comments made by your nephew - actually, I do, but they would be censored here.
As you always know, and can see form all of our posts, you are loved and appreciated here by us all. I am generally a non-confrontational person, but I swear I would love a few minutes with this guy to quietly explain to him that, as Roland said, what goes around comes around...he will one day reap the results of his cruelty and insensitivity.
Thank you for your lovely supportive words about the recent 2 year anniversary of Larry's passing, and as your own anniversary approaches on the 27th you know we will be surrounding you with our prayers and love, and Ernie will be holding you and keeping his lovely girl safe from all harm - try to avoid any contact with your thoughtless family members if at all possible, and as Mary Jane says, love your furry angels as they love you, and let the beautiful youthful lady that is Marsha radiate out to the world as she does here to all your Legacy Family.
Much love and 1000 hugs,
Your big brother Chuck
My Dearest Marsha,
Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how I look at it, I am all too familiar with how a family can tell you to your face how much they love me, how much I am loved, we have your back, please let us know if we can help you. And yet, my entire life has been filled with empty promises, phones that seem to work one way and no one calling me unless they needed something from me.
My grandmother was my mother because my mom died when I was a baby. My Aunts were always there for me while growing up. Things changed when the family found out I was different, I was treated with tolerance (maybe I was seeing this from clouded glasses and then again maybe not). The result was I pulled away, I protected myself by building a wall around myself, having less and less to do with my family and only going to family functions that I picked and choose by myself. Me and my first partner did attend one such function together, however when confronted by one of my cousin's daughter with a question "which one is the mommy ?" I pulled back further.
In the background was my relationship with my own sister and father. I was visiting my father at his request to bring my partner with me for a visit. He and my step mother lived in Orlando FL and be lived 3 hours north in Jacksonville. On the last day of our visit, he insisted we attend church with them and we did. After the service my Dad introduces me to a man he claimed to be his best friend. They worked together at NASA for over years, I was introduced as his son from Jacksonville; the man's face drained from a smile to one of complete confusion, he looked at my dad and stated: "Jimmy, you never told me you had a son, you told me about your daughter". I held it together until I got in our car to head back to Jacksonville, I cried the entire 3 hours it took to get home and I fell into a deep depression that would surface later in my life.
My life proceeded in a different direction, one that did not depend on any attachment to family, yet I felt like someone sitting on the side and looking in, wanting something I knew I could never have again, until Mark stepped into my life. He was my family, he was my protector, he was my everything and he was able to pull me out from behind the walls I had built. Mark helped me to find the courage to leave Jacksonville and never look back. Oh, I still have a relationship with my one Aunt that has always tried to rise above all the drama of me being gay, and trying to deal with her faith and me. I still my Aunt Betty and always will, she at least tried and still does to make me feel wanted and most of all loved. Love from your family can be the most wonderful and most hurting at the same time.
Today, I still communicate with my family, but only thru Facebook, with one exception, I call my Aunt and Uncle, both of whom are in their 80"s and both of them adored Mark and were as equally torn by my loss and grieved with me.
I have no answers for my sweet Marsha, just know that I know I love you and wish I was there to take away your tears...
Dear Trina ... Thank you so much for your lovely post and encouragement. I forgot to say in my main post that my nephews went out on the side patio of my house and toked up and Marijuana makes them giggle uncontrollably and mindless twits. As I said to Deb and Mary.Jane, I'm going to have my cell phone ready the next time and tape them so they can see what asses they can be. What got me was their parents were sitting there like a deer caught in headlight. Believe me, if I had young adults who said something like that they would have gotten it but good. I'm already unsure of myself now that I feel I can date again and when someone insults me about my age it just makes me feel old and discarded and I try my best to keep taking one step ahead of each other.
Thank you my dear friend for answering my post and I hope you are doing much better. Please post and let us know how you are doing. Miss you!
Big hugs back
Dear Mary.Jane ... Thank you so much for your post and knowing my Legacy family is here to push me ahead certainly isn't insignificant. I cherish each one of you. I don't often complain about things in my life, but this topped it for me. My nephew is 35 years old and no kid! As I told Deb they had a toke out on the side patio and it makes them plain stupid and constantly laughing at everything. I am going to tape them off my phone the next time and when they are head-straight I'm going to play it back to them.
I can understand why you would have trust issues and often I am very disappointed in my small immediate family and old friends. I shake my head wondering how all of this came about and would never have dreamed in a million years they would dump me simply because they don't know what to do with me now since Ernie passed away. I don't go around crying, but smile and have a good sense of humor so I don't understand why they can't just accept 'me.'
I know how very difficult it must be when you can't drive. Yes, I am lucky to be able to drive, but generally just go grocery shopping or drive to the dyke to walk the dogs and of course drive to Bible Study, etc.
I love working with the animals, but as much as I do I'm also a people person. I've done well in the past working because of my out-going personality and it's never going to change only now no one is listening. LOL I sure hope you are right my friend and it get's better. It's been 6 years this April 27th since my Ernie passed away and not too much has changed. I want to live life as much as possible before my own health fails. Time is certainly going by fast.
I so appreciate your kind concern and of course you are part of our wonderful family here and you will never feel alone when you come onto Legacy. We're all here for each other.
Oh, my family as dysfunctional as they are they are all I have and I do love them even though I could choke them sometimes, but I suppose each of us has one of those in our lives. I'm very outspoken and like to get things out into the open so they don't get away with much with me. I guess being 75 makes you feel free to say what you want and to heck with it.
Get well my friend and I hope you have a great day.
Dear Deb ... Always here when I need you and I knew if I came on Legacy the angels would be here and they are!
My nephews aren't kids and in their 30's. They went out to have a toke (smoke Marijuana) on my side patio and all I can say is it makes them into idiots and laughing like hyenas over everything. I may just tape them one day and play it back so they can hear what they say.
Deb, I'm in the position now where I would like to find a nice gentleman to do a few things such as dinners, perhaps dancing, walks on the beach (you get the idea.) As you know grief leaves you fragile and it doesn't take much to sting us and it hurts.
I am so happy you found someone, but it saddens me that he Is not well at the present time and pray that he gets better very soon. It does sadden me you are alone as well, but gives me some strength in knowing I'm not the only one alone.
Thank you my dear friend and hope things get better for you very soon.
I am shocked beyond words to hear what your nephew said to you! Even though the younger generation is much more self-centered and narcissistic than people who are now over 50, his words were extremely hurtful and callous. Maybe he is just downright stupid (excuse me for using this word) and thought it was some kind of joke. He is not thinking and saying things that are utterly ridiculous, mean, and inconsiderate. I am very sorry! Some people are oblivious of other people's feelings, and your nephew certainly takes the cake.
Sending you a big hug, Trina
Dear Marsha, So sorry that your nephew said such an awful thing to you that hurt your feelings. Please try not to take it heart. Seems family and friends are just too self centered to care about anyone else besides themselves. I only have one sister in the area and have been living out of the US for more than 20 years so don't have any friends left here--Spend most of my time completely alone...Believe me, I know what you're going through. Just know that you're not alone with your feelings, Hold on tight to the memories that you have of your dear Ernie. My Dean passed just over 3 years ago and would be turning 75 on April 29th...I was blessed to find a new partner and we were very happy but last November he had a stroke and is stuck in the UK recovering. Life just isn't fair! I rarely post but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and know how you feel. Love, Deb
Hi everyone ... I've been having very rough days and deeply depressed and trying so hard to snap out of it. I will try describe it as best I can.
As you all know I'm 75, but people say I don't look over 60 and I have good energy and a good sense humor. I am well liked wherever I go, but still having a difficult time with my small immediate family and problems with friends as well as trying to make new friends.
Firstly, on Easter I was taking pictures and no one else was; these occasions have always meant a lot to me and Ernie and I were always the 'picture takers.' Memories! Now that Ernie is gone no one thinks to take a picture of me so I asked one nephew if he would take a picture of his mom and I and he was taking the picture when his brother said, 'Auntie Marsha, cross your arms over your chest.' HUH? I asked him why and he giggled and said, 'So it looks like you're in a coffin!' I was so shocked and hurt and blasted him for saying something so stupid as that. He said he was just joking, but I felt it was an odd thing to say or perhaps I'm just over sensitive. I have had pot shots from 'dear, elderly, etc.,' a lot lately and I have to say it really bugs the heck out of me. It makes me think of what other people see when they look at me. I always dress nice, look pretty presentable and am extroverted. What's missing? Apparently anyone over the age of 60 has had a lobotomy. LOL
My family isn't the closest family and it's small, so I feel quite lonely and seldom see my Great-niece. I have been open and honest as to how I feel and figure seeing my Great-niece every couple of weeks isn't stepping on anyone's personal space and I get from my nephew that he'll ask me down, but it never happens. I'm tired of practically begging for this or for getting help around the outside of my home. It shouldn't be this way as Ernie and I were always there for our friends. That's another problem; friends promise to have me over (would be great to get out of my house every once in awhile) and when it never happens it's such a disappointment. No invitations to see old friends since Ernie passed away yet some have no problem coming and plunking their butts at my house or a 'quick visit.' I have tried very hard to get out there and volunteer and make friends and the lady that runs the dog shelter and I are close friends, but she's super busy, lives a long ways from me so we don't get together for a coffee or lunch. I got to Bible Study and the people are really fantastic, but they don't engage in a coffee or lunch even though some promise, but it never happens. I don't know what else to do and when each weekend comes I dread the thought. One girlfriend does come on Fridays, but she is now seeing more of her family and I do understand that. I feel our relationship is dissipating because of it and I will just have to roll with the punches. To me the world has gone crazy and everything is so different where people aren't as friendly or wary of others. All this has been very depressing for me and I love having people around me or doing things with friends. I feel like I'm nothing but a ghost at times. I know if I could make new friends, my old friends were more vigilant in inviting me over the odd time I would be fine. My grief has subsided after 6 years although I still talk to Ernie and miss him with all my heart, but how do you reinvent yourself when others are so restrained from doing so.
Thanks for letting me vent my dear family.
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