Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Comment by Steve on April 26, 2017 at 6:28am

Dear Marsha,

Thank you for your very wise words of encouragement.  Loosing Mark brought into focus all of my pent up emotions and notions of all those past hurts.  I suddenly found myself needing all of my family, both alive and those gone on.  Bella and I made several trips to home in Florida and I had a lot of time to reflect on all aspects of my life.  I had to come to terms with the fact that all the "bad" things in my life were gentle turning points pushing me along to a much better life.  I can now look back and see all of those things were necessary for me to become the "me" that I am today.

Our eternal Father has been watching over me and guiding me along, kicking and resisting, every inch of everyday; that alone humbles me in such a way I find it difficult to put words around.  I am so grateful to have found friends, brothers and sisters on this site such as never before in my life.  For this alone, I count myself blessed beyond my wildest dreams.  Mark was my beginning point and my voice of reason, he knew all along that he would be with me as I grow older and yet he is still guiding me along thru this life.

I know I am on rambling on so I will stop for now, today is a much better day than yesterday and tomorrow will bring more days that I can claim as "better".  Our Father is watching over all of us and He is still not finished with us.  Thank you dear sister for reminding me of His eternal love for ALL of His children.

Much Love to all

Comment by Marsha H on April 26, 2017 at 3:52am

Rolland ...  Thank you for those very wise Latin term and although tough to do it can be done.  I've come to a point in my life no one is going to control me whether it be family or friends.  Thank heavens there people like yourself on Legacy and all the other angels because we all do know the terrible misery of the loss of our beloved mates.  I feel we're all heroes in our own right by rising up each day and just getting through the day.  It doesn't get easier as time goes on, but there are pitfalls, but that's normal in every day life too.

Best Wishes Rolland and have a great day.  My chin is up, head held high and eyes forward.


Comment by Rolland Wood on April 26, 2017 at 12:33am
Marsha, keep your chin up and your powder dry, there's a favorite saying of mine from the days of a Ancient Rome, in the original Latin it went "Illegitimati Non Carbarundem." Which roughly translates into English as"Don't let the Bastards get you Down." I Live by it, it's hard to practice that task, but harder not to follow it when dealing with the uninformed and often callous people that have never suffered through the terrible misery that was the loss of our beloved mates. Best Wishes, Rolland.✌
Comment by Marsha H on April 25, 2017 at 11:36pm

Dear Big Brother Chuck ...

Thank you from my heart of hearts for your lovely, encouraging post.  Everyone here has been so supportive and I am forever grateful.  I am sure many of us have suffered the pain and anguish of unkind words that hurt the heart.  Oh yes, I cry, feel my heart is breaking, but then get mad and get back up and start all over again.  They will never win with me!  I do no harm and respect all, but disrespect me and cause problems then watch out!  I love my family even though they are dysfunctional and I realize no one is perfect.  I would love to see the scene where you have it out with my nephew.  Oh, by the way Chuck. he's 6' 4" tall and 230 lbs.  Have you changed your mind?  LOL

I love each one of you and it's just not empty words.  I worry about all of you and keep counting my chicks and I'm just grateful I have all of you.

Much love my big brother


Comment by Marsha H on April 25, 2017 at 11:30pm

Dear Rolland ...  Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.  I have grown to know that it's family that can hurt us the most and yet make us feel good sometimes. 

I blame my brother and his wife for not teaching my nephews proper manners or, even at their ages in their 30's not saying anything to let them know they over-stepped their boundaries.  Children are born innocent and from there it's what the parents teach or don't teach them.  I don't think my nephew will be doing that again, but my unfortunately, my sister-in-law feels I'm being sensitive.  I won't tell you what I had to say to her!  LOL 

I feel a little better today thanks to you and all the other angels on Legacy and at times I wish with all my heart there was a place we could all meet.  It would be fantastic! 

Thank you once again my friend and I hope you are having better days of peace and joy.



Comment by Marsha H on April 25, 2017 at 11:25pm

Dear Steve ...  Thank you so much for posting and I had tears in my eyes and all the horrific things you have been through.  Yes, promises that are empty hurt all of us as we need family and friends more when in grief.  At any funerals I have been to for years I give my condolences, but no promises because I save the best for last ...  I'm there when they need me the most when reality sets in.

Unfortunately, Steve, when your aunts found out you were gay there was a different reaction in those days of complete secrecy for the family's name, but I know without a doubt because I've had the privilege of knowing you that your aunts loved you as much as they ever did and your cousin just didn't know enough about what a gay person felt.  I can understand why you pulled away, but back then it was just out of ignorance that people kept the fact someone gay or an unmarried girl was pregnant and it was hidden.  Now, thank God, things have changed a great deal and it's more acceptable.

Steve, your dad loved you without a doubt because he was aware you were bringing your partner, but, when at work it was simply easier to mention his daughter because back then gays were ridiculed more than accepted.  It didn't make your dad any less proud of you.  However, he could never know or understand how shocked and hurt you were.  The true fact is, he introduced you with pride so let that be the legacy from your father and don't let your mind play tricks on you.  It is extremely difficult for father's to accept their son is gay, but your dad has to be quite a man to accept you as you are.

I believe God has a plan for us or call it destiny, but all that you went through led you to Mark and he brought the best out in you and you brought the best out in him.  Call it 'divine intervention' if you must, but Mark was sent to you just at the right time and you were meant to be.  I am a Christian myself and go to Bible Study each week and one thing I know is WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN.  Not one place in the Bible does it say gays are excluded.  There is a psalm in there which is misconstrued because it was regarding Sodom and Gomorrah, but God made us and he loves us ALL.  NEVER let that ever bother you and reach for the stars my dear brother and dance to the music.  You have been given another chance which is a blessing.

Your post has helps me so much and I know you would do anything to take away my tears.  I cry, but then I get angry and get back up fighting mad.  That's the Irish/Scottish in me.  LOL  Just today my sister-in-law was snippy with me and I just said, 'Gotta go, another call is coming in.'  No sense starting a family war.  Yes, my family is dysfunctional, but no one is perfect and I'm just taking a break from them right now.  I always worry about saying something I may regret later and should something ever happen to one of them those words can never be taken back.

Your Aunt and Uncle are amazing people and so wise.  At their ages (even my age) we know good people gay or not are to be cherished and loved and we just don't walk away from that as it's a blessing. 

I hope my little brother you are having a better day.  I treated myself to getting my hair done and relaxed for 3 hours while doing it and my hairdresser loves to have me come in because I make her laugh so hard and that gives me great pleasure.  I can cry forever or make someone laugh if even a little.

Much Love, your sister


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 25, 2017 at 7:44am

Dear Marsha,

I don't have words to express my shock and disgust at the comments made by your nephew - actually, I do, but they would be censored here.

As you always know, and can see form all of our posts, you are loved and appreciated here by us all. I am generally a non-confrontational person, but I swear I would love a few minutes with this guy to quietly explain to him that, as Roland said, what goes around comes around...he will one day reap the results of his cruelty and insensitivity.

Thank you for your lovely supportive words about the recent 2 year anniversary of Larry's passing, and as your own anniversary approaches on the 27th you know we will be surrounding you with our prayers and love, and Ernie will be holding you and keeping his lovely girl safe from all harm - try to avoid any contact with your thoughtless family members if at all possible, and as Mary Jane says, love your furry angels as they love you, and let the beautiful youthful lady that is Marsha radiate out to the world as she does here to all your Legacy Family.

Much love and 1000 hugs,

Your big brother Chuck

Comment by Rolland Wood on April 25, 2017 at 7:14am
Marsha, it's sad that your nephew is behaving like the rude overgrown 'Punk' that he has shown himself to be, Often we are beleaguered with people that are blood relatives that we wouldn't have chosen to associate with in the first place. That being said, As they say "Karma is a B*tch" and your nephew will meet it one day, hopefully he'll grow up in the meantime. Best Wishes for your happiness. Rolland
Comment by Steve on April 25, 2017 at 6:55am

My Dearest Marsha,

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how I look at it, I am all too familiar with how a family can tell you to your face how much they love me, how much I am loved, we have your back, please let us know if we can help you.  And yet, my entire life has been filled with empty promises, phones that seem to work one way and no one calling me unless they needed something from me.

My grandmother was my mother because my mom died when I was a baby.  My Aunts were always there for me while growing up.  Things changed when the family found out I was different, I was treated with tolerance (maybe I was seeing this from clouded glasses and then again maybe not).  The result was I pulled away, I protected myself by building a wall around myself, having less and less to do with my family and only going to family functions that I picked and choose by myself.  Me and my first partner did attend one such function together, however when confronted by one of my cousin's daughter with a question "which one is the mommy ?" I pulled back further.

In the background was my relationship with my own sister and father.  I was visiting my father at his request to bring my partner with me for a visit.  He and my step mother lived in Orlando FL and be lived 3 hours north in Jacksonville.  On the last day of our visit, he insisted we attend church with them and we did.  After the service my Dad introduces me to a man he claimed to be his best friend.  They worked together at NASA for over  years, I was introduced as his son from Jacksonville; the man's face drained from a smile to one of complete confusion, he looked at my dad and stated: "Jimmy, you never told me you had a son, you told me about your daughter".  I held it together until I got in our car to head back to Jacksonville, I cried the entire 3 hours it took to get home and I fell into a deep depression that would surface later in my life.

My life proceeded in a different direction, one that did not depend on any attachment to family, yet I felt like someone sitting on the side and looking in, wanting something I knew I could never have again, until Mark stepped into my life.  He was my family, he was my protector, he was my everything and he was able to pull me out from behind the walls I had built.  Mark helped me to find the courage to leave Jacksonville and never look back.  Oh, I still have a relationship with my one Aunt that has always tried to rise above all the drama of me being gay, and trying to deal with her faith and me.  I still my Aunt Betty and always will, she at least tried and still does to make me feel wanted and most of all loved.  Love from your family can be the most wonderful and most hurting at the same time. 

Today, I still communicate with my family, but only thru Facebook, with one exception, I call my Aunt and Uncle, both of whom are in their 80"s and both of them adored Mark and were as equally torn by my loss and grieved with me.

I have no answers for my sweet Marsha, just know that I know I love you and wish I was there to take away your tears...

Comment by Marsha H on April 25, 2017 at 4:19am

Dear Trina ...  Thank you so much for your lovely post and encouragement.  I forgot to say in my main post that my nephews went out on the side patio of my house and toked up and Marijuana makes them giggle uncontrollably and mindless twits.  As I said to Deb and Mary.Jane, I'm going to have my cell phone ready the next time and tape them so they can see what asses they can be.  What got me was their parents were sitting there like a deer caught in headlight.  Believe me, if I had young adults who said something like that they would have gotten it but good.  I'm already unsure of myself now that I feel I can date again and when someone insults me about my age it just makes me feel old and discarded and I try my best to keep taking one step ahead of each other. 

Thank you my dear friend for answering my post and I hope you are doing much better.  Please post and let us know how you are doing.  Miss you!

Big hugs back



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